Is it possible to have it all?

[Justthelifeofamum]

Hi all,

I’m a mum to a 3 year old and 8 month old…the dreaded return to work is looming.

To say I had a bad time returning from my previous maternity leave is an understatement. It was a sh*t show. I was trying to get a promotion so refused to work part time but instead condensed my hours to have a day off with my DC.

It was unworkable, I completely burnt out which honestly led to the decision to get pregnant again.

Now I feel like I have to make a decision to either take a significant step back in my career or barely see the kids mid week.

In my industry going part time holds a significant stigma, it’ll set my career back about 5 years, the pay cut is significant and I doubt I’ll get any promotions whilst part time. It’s a very male dominated sector.

Has anyone found anyway to balance both progressing a career and actually seeing your kids mid week without completely losing their mind?

TIA x

No you can't have it all

I do feel I have a balance now after 5 years of working incredibly hard… I now run my own business and get paid well for less work.
I think as others have said can you put in the work now to get to a level where you can work from home/charge more for less hours?

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves how lovely to read that you managed to make it work 🙂

Personally speaking - I currently work 3 days per week and if I want to take the next step up my career ladder I would need to be working full time plus. Even a sideways move would realistically need to be full time (roles at my level are rarely if ever advertised on a part time basis, I only have this role because I was already established in a ft role pre-children and dropped my hours after maternity leave). Fair enough, it's hard to have a senior leadership role if you aren't there half the time.

So if I want to progress my career I would need to see less of my children.

Thank you @Hedonism. I know I have been very lucky. I'm sorry that you feel like you have to put your career progression on hold in order to have time with your kids. I was always very clear that dd was my first priority so I don't blame you. I do hope it works out for you in the end.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves thank you. To be honest, I feel very fortunate to be in the position that I am in - I have a great work life balance in a well paid and rewarding job. If I didn't have DC then I know I would have gone further in my career by now... but I would rather have the DC than the career so that's also fine!

I completely burnt out after my third child. Kids are now 10,13,15 and I'm just about back to full time. Construction industry, but public sector so managed to get a lovely boss who is flexible with kid stuff. But the thing I needed to make it work was a husband who picks up his fair share - without that, I couldn't do it.

Just had a phone call from school to say come and collect one of them - husband has gone as my car needs work. Otherwise it would have been up to school on the bus and then bus back - with one bus an hour...

You've got to shift your thinking in regards to your partner, he shouldn't be 'helping out' he should be doing 50% of everything when you're both working.

Our senior manager has two primary age kids. She works really hard with her partner so they can both maintain their career, they alternate drop offs and pick ups by week (so week one she'll start work at 6am and do the pick up and then do less work between 3 and 5 and week 2 she'll start at 9 after drop off and work until 5 or 6). It works because they work together and it isn't automatically assumes that him having a penis makes his work more important.

Personally I work part time and now work school hours. Luckily that's fine in my sector. We still share the childcare when the children are off and share the holiday childcare.

I couldn't make it work, but I had 4, so I think possibly it is different if you have 1 or 2. One of my colleagues said "oh, career suicide" when I said I was having my third.

I went back to work FT after my first and then PT after my second and third, had a nanny, a very supportive and helpful husband, but I just found I wasn't doing anything well and compromising on everything. I was commuting by then which was also stressful as any issue with the trains meant I had to pay the nanny overtime...

I also echo a poster upthread who said that I've found the teen years harder than the primary and preschool years (which are exhausting!) and I have been very grateful to have had a flexible part time job that has fitted around their needs, allowing me to be here when they have needed parental support.

I think it was Helena Kennedy who said in the Telegraph this weekend "I have found the secret to having it all...a SAH husband" 😉

What if they can't? My husband has chronic life limiting illness. He can't do those things you've listed. That's a privileged position to be in to have a husband who can.

Those of us without still manage. I earn £80k+ and still pick my kids up most days.

My manager is doing it, by dumping all her work and mistakes on me and taking credit for everything I do whenever she can get away with it. Frankly I'm utterly sick of it, and have zero sympathy for her anymore.

Exactly this. If you are thinking of part time work it needs to be from 11-14 as this is when they need you most.

The only people I know who make it work have iron clad child care. A cleaner and a gardener. Lots of family who support on top of child care. And they don't see much of their kids. But they have good holidays.

@autiebooklover has it spot on. Absolutely nailed it.

There was a thread on here a few months ago from an older poster who’d had a top notch job (partner in big law firm). And she was talking about how her kids went to boarding school and her DD hadn’t liked it and she got ripped to shreds and basically told she was an abusive parent. Whereas I know someone in that position whose kids would probably have more stability at boarding school: two parents with “huge” jobs, a nanny and a nanny to cover the nanny, a nanny on holiday etc. Yet if you ever see a thread from someone asking “should I go for this highly paid but very long hours job?”, they’re always told to go for it without hesitation and just pay for more childcare.

Ultimately, I think it boils down to how you view childcare and how much you value extra income/financial independence. Time with your kids is good; earning money is good - but it’s vanishingly unlikely that you can do both things at the same time. Work out where you sit on that spectrum given your own personal and financial circumstances (as a pp said, if you need to pay the mortgage, that’s a pretty pressing concern ) and that should answer your question.

“boomtickhouse · Today 12:06

VivienneViennetta · 04/10/2023 23:00

Do you have a partner? Having it all is not the same as doing it all. Your partner needs to step up and do half, of EVERYTHING; mental load, sorting birthday presents, washing up, dealing with the school, making breakfast, sorting the kids’ clothes when they go up a size, taking the bins out, making sure you’ve got bread and milk, reading with the children, being on the PTA…

What if they can't? My husband has chronic life limiting illness. He can't do those things you've listed. That's a privileged position to be in to have a husband who can.

Those of us without still manage. I earn £80k+ and still pick my kids up most days.”

Fair point and I’m sorry you’re in that position. You sound very strong.

However in the vast majority of households women are taking on the significant part of the physical, mental and emotional load. We shouldn’t be accepting that as the default.

@RuthW

Yep I have two in that bracket who need me a lot more than what my 8 year old does. I really thought I’d have been a lot more free by now. I am reaping the rewards though of stepping back career wise. Kids are doing very well in school etc but their emotional needs are high.

I think you need four things to make “it all” work

1. a DH who does HALF, not “helps out”, but genuinely sees child/domestic stuff as just as much his responsibility as yours
2. a flexible employer who judges/promotes based on merit not face time
3. excellent childcare/other help, and the salary to more than cover this
4. straightforward kids who don’t have any special medical social academic issues

If you are happy with a less demanding career then you can manage without 1) and less of 3). Generally less demanding careers bring more of 2) as well. But this would require accepting a “downgrade” of your current career and pay.

My advice: don’t try to do it all without these elements in place and burn out, like I did. Much better to get a sustainable set up in place from the start.

I totally agree. Young kids are adaptable (they know no better!)
and don’t get me started on the pressures of elderly parents!

Oh and 4) of course is out of your control.

Obviously everyone has a different experience, but mine was total burnout attempting to have it all. Constant stress, short fuse with the kids, very low levels of fun or relaxation, questionable levels of nutrition, general feeling of failing at everything. Demanding job with high future earning potential, but very high expectations of short timeframes and high performance outcomes. Also kids who really wanted me to be around and I wasn't there enough, and/or when I was, I was constantly trying to move them on to the next thing (activity, dinner, bath, bed, etc) rather than being actively present and engaged with them.

If we'd had a regular nanny plus housekeeper/cook I think things would have been more manageable, although still not easy. But our income really didn't stretch to that. I'm a sahm now. It's better for all of us. I'll revisit the career later.

Gosh that's an eye-openner. thanks for this advice.

Like some PP, I do think it is possible if you have a partner willing and able to step up.

I work FT in a male dominated industry, and my DC is 3.5. Went back to work when they were 4m old, and DP took shared leave. I landed a promotion within 3m of going back. Sometimes I regret not having more time with DC when they were tiny, but I do believe I did what was right for my family (I was and still am the higher earner and boosting my career was good for us financially). DC is in nursery FT but when we're together they get 100% of both me and their father. It helps that I WFH.