Snr Manager ghosting on work trip

[HalfMumHalfBiccit]

On a work trip with 4 colleagues including X and Z.
X is board level. I have been brought in to take over some of Xs responsibilities including contracts and client relationships.

X has blanked me for much of the trip. Walked ahead. Pretended I wasn’t there and talked to others. Talked over me in client meetings. Stopped me from doing my part of a presentation to clients by changing agenda once we were in the meeting. Got upset when I talked about an agreement I’m working on that he’s not involved in.

Z noticed and commented to me about it being weird.

I am upset by how X has been. I am here to help the company and I feel like he doesn’t want to hand things over. The behaviour is unprofessional and detrimental to the company.

I am female others are male.
I have 20 years in the industry with major experience. The rest of the mgrs/board are super happy I’m at the Co.

I have flagged what happened to my director. I doubt much will happen as this is a very senior person and what happened all seems a bit intangible/gaslighty.

im thinking this behaviour won’t stop and either I have to cope with the pettiness or leave.
Def do not want to go on a trip with him again.
I did have cry at one point (in private). Being ignored is awful.

Sounds as though his performance is being managed and they're aware of the issues. He resents you because he's been told he's not up to the part of the job you've been brought in to do instead. Good that others noticed. I hope you told your director exactly what he did in the meeting because he's going against the agreed strategy.

Hi
he changed role to a new section which is why I was brought in.

I came from another company 1 yr ago.

@MotherOfGodWeeFella Im wondering if I should tell more people of the behaviour or not.

my director said we can discuss next week and maybe talk to MD. But I am worried that it will be seen as me moaning and me being unprofessional.

I have googled ghosting at work and the signs aren’t good. The person doing it is unlikely to change. They are in a v senior position and if I am supposed to take on their work I don’t know how we can do this transition. It makes it very challenging for me.

I can do it but I will have to increase my wine consumption. 😂

You were brought in by somebody to do your job. It is that somebody you need to speak with. Your later post does sound more positive that they want to speak about it next week with the MD and you should see what happens there.

Address it from the point of view that you are being prevented from doing what you were brought in to do rather than specifically saying he is ignoring you. Just add examples of his behaviour to explain why bit prevents you doing your job.

If no joy then raise a grievance

Oh dear, how petty of him! Is your director also board level/same level as X? (Director sounds like it but obviously job titles don't always work like that!)

I agree with Giveituphq that trying to build a relationship via coffee etc is a practical way to try and get through this. Sickening as it may feel, could you try asking X for advice, based on his past experience of the role, and see if that calms his ego down? If that doesn't work, getting it settled with the MD sounds totally reasonable.

Used to come across this sort of man a lot when I was younger, they can't deal with women as people, so they blank you. Still happens occasionally in very male-dominated situations.

Also been used in the past to manage up incompetent men.

It's you that will suffer, needs fixing, probably by moving him or you. He won't even give it headspace, can't fix what's not acknowledged.

I had a very testy relationship with a senior chap at work earlier this year. It was flipped a bit as he was the noob at the company, though I’ve been there <5 years.

I complained to my director about some behaviour at an exec presentation which landed me in a little hot water (my director is a jerk), but ultimately resulted in me and this chap developing a good working relationship. I wouldn’t say we are besties now but by being firm about not tolerating his behaviour and forcing the organisation to accept that the dynamic was unhealthy for me as the lone female has resulted in a stronger position overall.

I am now in the position where other senior men seek out my opinion as my position is better understood and valued.

Thanks all. The bizarre thing is that we chatted while travelling and all was fine. Seemed to change overnight.
I found it shocking and upsetting tbh.
I will chat to my director (who is same level asX) about it. I think I’m scared of repercussions.

@Peekingovertheparapet That’s good to hear. Hoping we can get to a solution like that.

What I did with similar- Don’t let it squash you. Network and build relationships around you. Thrive everywhere else and name his rudeness. Privately at first and more openly if no change. Start with a meeting and pre script what you want to say. I confirm her to try and build connections with him but challenged every time he was difficult. Whether it was a - oh I see the agenda had changed so my piece is less relevant - i think we will leave this for today in The circumstances - gosh Bob I can’t help but notice you seem a bit subdued around me - Bob sorry you must be so busy so rather than reply to those emails from this week let’s have a face to csa e catch up to go through it all.
I left it so for him to carry on it would be misconduct and make him look like an arse.

Sounds more like he tried to throw you under the bus.

I think the advice to flag up why you couldn't do your role is excellent. Don't concentrate on his treatment of you, they already probably know him well enough. Unless it's been all male before?

Nice clear analysis of the situation when you discuss it...

OP, I’m afraid it sounds like he’s got to you - you are posting how he’s very very senior, you are new, you are worried about getting a decent handover and looking for ways to get someone else to deal with him.

Recognise his game and beat him at it. Find your balls confidence back. Draft a plan of action tonight and execute it ruthlessly starting Monday.

I’d play the politics if I were you, whilst covering my backside -e.g. talk to your seniors how “you are currently not getting what you need to enable you to do your job”, “X seem very busy and unable to dedicate the time needed to complete handover - you need options how to get what you need to succeed” etc

@Enthusedeggplant Your approach is helpful. I’ve done a bit of ‘we need to go back to blah, are you happy to do it now as you are busy today? Or are you happy for me to do it?’

really he should be handing it all to me. I think the other directors are frustrated with him.

I have to sort a contact out with him on Monday. Dreading it but will make a plan of action.

I’m one rung below. Although the whole setup is pretty woolly. Maybe half a rung. There are the managers, there are the directors and there is me. I’m a head. I was previously at a very corporate company. This whole place is a bit of a shock. Im supposed to help them.

Why are you deferring to him if it’s your remit now? Be more assertive, just say “Excellent, I’ll be sending the documents to the client, if you’d like to add anything send it to me by mid-day Tuesday. Thank you”

@Giveituphq He’s been hot and cold. Sometimes nice as pie sometimes blanking. This was the worst so far. Has me questioning whether this job is a good fit for me.

I work in this field (HR/disputes). I'd go to your director, but don't make it sound like a grievance. Don't show you are upset (you can vent with friends/us afterwards). Instead go armed with a plan of action and ask for his blessing. Explain you and others have noticed resistance and some conflict from the guy and that you intend to speak to him about it head-on, albeit in a nice way/over coffee or whatever as a first step to building a relationship.

On the face of it you're letting the director know in case he feels differently or had other suggestions, but it also puts him on notice of the issue in a way that doesn't make you look weak or whiny and doesn't require him to escalate it. Then keep him updated.

When you sit with problem guy, frame it as an an amicable chat, but at some point look him directly in the eye and say you have noticed an issue between you and you want to resolve it. Don't sugar coat that part. He may deny it but he'll know you're onto him and that you're not someone to let it go. Afterwards make a point of having regular catch ups so the problem doesn't linger.

Good luck!

@7Worfs yep I’m prob being too nice. Initially was hard to know where I stood with things. He wants to be involved in everything. Not just my stuff.
I can go into full efficient business mode. Which is how I deal with him normally. If he doesn’t respond/react it’s him that looks bad.