Snr Manager ghosting on work trip

[HalfMumHalfBiccit]

On a work trip with 4 colleagues including X and Z.
X is board level. I have been brought in to take over some of Xs responsibilities including contracts and client relationships.

X has blanked me for much of the trip. Walked ahead. Pretended I wasn’t there and talked to others. Talked over me in client meetings. Stopped me from doing my part of a presentation to clients by changing agenda once we were in the meeting. Got upset when I talked about an agreement I’m working on that he’s not involved in.

Z noticed and commented to me about it being weird.

I am upset by how X has been. I am here to help the company and I feel like he doesn’t want to hand things over. The behaviour is unprofessional and detrimental to the company.

I am female others are male.
I have 20 years in the industry with major experience. The rest of the mgrs/board are super happy I’m at the Co.

I have flagged what happened to my director. I doubt much will happen as this is a very senior person and what happened all seems a bit intangible/gaslighty.

im thinking this behaviour won’t stop and either I have to cope with the pettiness or leave.
Def do not want to go on a trip with him again.
I did have cry at one point (in private). Being ignored is awful.

You need to have that meeting with the MD. Don't use the term "ghosting". Tell the MD how he ignored you, talked over, disrupted your agreed presentation, etc. Give actual examples of the behaviour. I would also say the other colleague noticed and spoke to you privately about it.

@HalfMumHalfBiccit I won’t lie, it wasn’t an easy journey, and I didn’t get everything I wanted - one was a different job title to reflect the job I do to the whole organisation and not just in line with my directorate’s structure. This should have been a no-brainer as I don’t interact into my directorate but do need to be listened to by the rest of the business. I was told that this is a structural authority issue and I needed to earn respect and a job title wouldn’t help.

so it was a short slap on the wrist for him, and he actually apologised. He came to a session where he thought he was throwing me a lifeline, had already decided I was shit at my job; instead he left with a clear idea of how letting me in would make his life easier and we’ve built a relationship from there. And since then we’ve been on a few projects where a couple of times he has needed to be reminded to give me my space, but again by the end of the project he’s been telling everyone how great I am.

hang in there. Be firm, but also factual; try not to get your perspective too central as others might not see it from your pov, but you can usually leverage a point that is hard for them to deny.

if you can make it more about them ensuring you get the space to do your job than about going head to head with him that should help.

‘When you sit with problem guy, frame it as an an amicable chat, but at some point look him directly in the eye and say you have noticed an issue between you and you want to resolve it. Don't sugar coat that part. He may deny it but he'll know you're onto him and that you're not someone to let it go. Afterwards make a point of having regular catch ups so the problem doesn't linger.’

I can directly ask this but at the moment I am worried that if I confront him he will become incredibly angry / make the situation worse. He is a large very angry looking man. Other people comment on his dour mood. I think he has done the same with others and they may have left. It has been hinted at.

This feels like a “did you mean to be so rude?” discussion.

Are you still away? Could you ask him to meet you for coffee later, and then bring it up directly with him? A sort of “how do you feel the work is going?” conversation that could lead into “do you realise you’ve been blanking me?” It doesn’t have to be rude or confrontational, but direct and more assertive.

Well, if he does get angry or flounce out or whatever that's going to help you long term.

Is there somewhere onsite you can hold the meeting that is still informal, cafe or something? Do you have a friendly colleague who could just happen to be close by in case he kicks off?

I don't think that will happen btw. I think he'll deny and be annoyed you've called it out, but he'll disguise his reaction in that meeting at least.

@Giveituphq
yes had loads of ‘nice’ chats with him. Totally bizarre situ.
I actually don’t want to deal with him now. I will be it makes me feel anxious.

the only way will be to go into Mega Proffesh mode. In fact in that mode he will look shit because he is not mega proffesh and he doesn’t have my experience and knowledge.

I do have counselling so that will help me but I’m feeling pretty rubbish about it. I’m a highly experienced professional and I’m Peri Menopausal and I don’t need this shit.

Thanks all. I will speak to my director tomorrow.

I will not use the term ghosting as they will have no clue what it means lol.

@Cookie77777 Yep you are right his reaction could be helpful to sort the problem thank you.

@Russooooo am back but have to speak to him tomorrow anyway.

previously by ‘help’ I meant ‘help their company get to the next level’ give advice etc.

Frame it as making the firm look bad, not you personally

Just behave professionally and give him enough rope

@Jackydaytona Totally.

They know exactly what he's like by the sound of it.

If he kicks off, he's lost.

You sound a bit scared of him?

Ah, being peri will mean you have no bandwidth for bullshit.

Even my very lovely DH was told to adult and get on with it, I do not have any energy for shit.

Get all of the support, HRT, iron tests, your thyroid checked, everything. It can be a bit boiled frog going into menopause and I did not realise I was not ok until now when I feel a whole lot better.

@Spottywombat Yes I think I am. I find him a bit threatening. Yep I think it’s well known.

@Spottywombat
thank GOD for HRT. It’s amazing. Has made me go back to my just about normal self.
yes could be totally boiled frog!
I’m due a blood test for other stuff.

@HalfMumHalfBiccit I am snr manager and have had board members blanking me like this. Honestly in my experience it's their personality to be grumpy old farts, and they tend to be the same that are over friendly at other times. I have also found that some women tend to overdo it with their need for control once they get to leadership position (which is a shame really because they were better leaders as manager than director...).

I understand how hard it is on a small group work trip, I have found it worst at informal meetings as well like work lunches. But it is very very common I think, so you if you like the job and the company you should try and find a way to make it work.
If you trust your manager, you can ask them for advice on how to interact with that person. They might know them better and can give you tips to approach the situation. Or they can have a word with them next time they are in the pub! The informal route is usually better for things like this.
If it affects your work then it's another problem and you have to report it to your manager.

How is your HR department and the company culture? Mine actively promotes speaking up in situations like this so HR would get involved as this would be seen as bullying.

Thanks @Bearbookagainandagain HR department is very weak atm. I think there is an external advisor.

I think it's good to acknowledge you're a bit wary of him. That's your gut prompting you to take precautions. Looking back at the situation where I was managing up, it's only now I realise how unstable the bloke was. Caused me no end of distress, which I put up with at the time and didn't process correctly but he was actually properly dangerous.

You sound lovely. Problem is that you don't expect (even if you know it's possible) that someone is not nice. Take care but take no crap either.

Make sure they test your ferritin.

Thanks Spotty, advice/info appreciated.