Top of career ladder before kids and now feel like a failure

[koalabearboombox]

I have always been a success at work - lots of achievements then given a leadership role at 29. Very impressive to colleagues / clients / peers and always great feedback.

Came back to work after mat leave with my confidence absolutely destroyed and my brain seemingly no longer functioning. Zero self esteem, massive memory issues (e.g. I'd have conversations and simply can't remember the contents of them unless documented). Tried to fake-it-till-i-made-it for 18 months until it just became too hard and all-consuming, and I decided to throw in the towel and quit with nothing to go to. I keep getting asked my clients "what's next for you?", they expect to hear about an amazing job, and when I say I'm taking a bit of time out they look super awkward.

I feel like I've completely f*cked up my career by leaving such a senior job and high salary that others at my age could only dream of. There were many other reasons that I left, but ultimately I just couldn't cope with the pressure of it along with the pressure of parenthood. It was a lot of responsibility, with little to no support.

How do I deal with having such enourmous feelings of failure? How do I pick myself back up again? Will I ever have the confidence to do a big job again?

Could you have done it part time?

thats always the compromise of five full days is too much

Reframe what success actually means to you. Do you only value other people who have stellar work achievements? Or does that not at actually bother you in other people? Are you only friends with leaders and high flyers? I bet you aren’t.

Don’t just measure “success” on work achievements and salary levels, but maybe look at other aspects of your life.

Well yeah you have fucked up - by not adapting and adjusting to your new reality. Listen, you worked your arse off to get promoted, I know you did, plenty of us have done it. Your mistake was not to COAST once you got up there. You kept fighting and attacking your work when it was no longer needed. And most of all when you didn't have the energy any longer!

It was stupid to just quit, incredibly immature behaviour and I'm disappointed no one talked you out of it.

Re invent your professional persona.

Why?

MONEY.

More money makes life so much easier for you and potentially opens more doors for your DC in the future.

For the sake of MONEY you can learn to take detailed notes and use those instead of your memory. Which by the way tends to get shitter as you get older and that applies to everyone kids or not....!!!! No one in their right mind would bat an eyelid if you said "just bear with me while I bring up my notes" ...

Don't throw away all that hard work past you did. Honour it. Plant it. Grow it. Get that cash for you and your family.

Apply for new jobs straight away and hold onto your seniority!

My memory is seriously shot to pieces after having kids but I am at the same level and tell myself they are paying for my judgement and experience, if not my memory. I also don’t think you should throw it away. It sounds like you’re low and unemployment will make this much worse.

@koalabearboombox

Have you left the company now or are you working your notice period?

It's only a failure if you let it feel like one.
You can only do what you feel able for in each circumstance but remember that you are the person who earned the senior roles and carved out your career. Trajectories don't have to be up up up, sometimes we need a pause and sometimes a step back.

I could have written your post six years ago. I threw the towel in because I was nearly broken trying to keep on top of everything. I felt like I had no choice.
What I had none of was support.

I kept up my network and dipped in and out of work that interested me. Projects and one off things. Those allowed to focus my energy at home and to recharge. I'm now going back and whilst I've taken some financial hit, it isn't major and I can see a return to an upward trajectory that I didn't see six years ago.

So I guess what I'm saying is, don't beat yourself up for where you are now. Take the time to recharge and focus on what you are good at. Don't let your network or experience drop completely and that will help you rebuild when you want to.

Good luck

I actually disagree with some of the advice on this thread. I was in a similar position pre-kids. Extremely successful, very sought after job (the sort people dream of quitting their job to do), top of my game, took me around the world, the sky was the limit on earnings, and I worked all the way through pregnancy.

Then I had DC1 and I just couldn't work. I didn't understand why. I loved my job (or so I thought) and it was what I'd always dreamed of doing. I kept hacking at it until DC2 arrived (2 year age gap) and then I was just done. I've never gone back to it. I can't explain why but my brain just goes "nope" every time I try.

I sank into a really deep depression and ended up very ill. When DC2 was 15 months, I applied for a job in a related but different field. It was something I'd done a lot of in my previous role but it wasn't my main job, so I didn't go in at entry level by any means.

I can now see a clear career path (with the help of a couple of anonymous MN threads I've posted) and know what I need to do to exceed my previous earnings within the next 5 years.

IDK if it's burnout or what, but forcing yourself to do something after your brain has switched off just doesn't work. My advice would be to try to pivot into a new career. What transferable skills do you have and what jobs could you use them in? Does anything interest you about those jobs? What roles can you move into without having to start at the very bottom? What training would you need and what experience do you have that you could take forward?

Some slights weird responses here, not quite how I’d talk to a friend/MN… anyhow…

I honestly don’t think there’s one right answer here. I slugged my guts out to maintain my career through the baby/toddler/primary years. I was so determined to keep my client base I was finishing a project while I had a child in NICU. Probably the two biggest career opportunities I got were just before my LO joined reception and then in the pandemic/homeschooling nightmare, so perfectly worse times, but I took them.

I’ve built up a level of seniority where I have a lot of autonomy and can take the afternoon off for sports day with nobody noticing. I have, technically, done everything ’right’.
And now just as my kids start becoming more independent I am considering a career change because I am frickin EXHAUSTED.

Meanwhile I have friends who took ‘mummy track’ very part time roles when their kids weee young that didn’t utilise their skills fully, but who have spring boarded into much better roles as their kids got older. Not all - some have struggled or stayed on a less demanding track - but I can’t help think that sometimes I just burnt myself out and now just when I should in theory be pushing hardest I have least energy. Peri meno probably a factor there too.

so I guess the answer is there’s no crystal ball, you can only make the best decision at the time, don’t punish yourself.

I had a high flying career pre-kids and gave it up to be a SAHM. Then when my DC started school I went back to work in a different (but related) field. I've been back at work for 9 years now, and I still don't earn as much as I did when I first got pregnant! I don't care though. I have a good professional career that I enjoy, and more time with my kids than if I'd stuck with my old (well paid but stressful) job. I definitely don't consider myself a failure.

Good luck OP with whatever path you take. Maybe a few sessions with a career coach would be useful, to talk about your options and start getting your confidence back?

I would say.... don't panic. I've found since having kids I think of everything in blocks so it's less overwhelming. So you can make decisions that suit the current situation, knowing it might change again.

I was in a senior role in my career, just about kept it going after child 1, took a sideways step after child 2, quit with no job to go to after child 3 and set up on my own/freelanced for a couple of years, then post Covid took on a job at a more senior level than pre kids but in a smaller company.

My level of focus, ambition and headspace has fluctuated massively over the last ten years but my transferable skills and abilities haven't. I've just quit again because I'm feeling unfulfilled in my job and though my kids are older and more self sufficient I feel they need a bit more of my focus for a bit.

So I'm going to freelance again for a bit more flex and fulfilment.

So keep the faith, you have proved yourself and you'll be able to keep your career going, you won't ruin it by following your gut when something is not working. And it's ok for what you want/view as success to change as you go through life and the massive changes of having kids!

Of course you will!
It's completely normal to retreat a bit when you have kids. You're in the mum bubble now as nature intended!
It's not natural for women to be able to excel in both motherhood and career. When women say they have they're lying. You have to take some from one to give to the other and your case you didn't want to take it from your child so you made the decision to give it all to your child and that is a very loving thing to do.
Once you get past this stage of your life you will regain your confidence and get back your professional self again. Don't beat yourself up!

Immature and she fucked up?

No she's doing the most important thing she'll ever do in her life and that's look after her baby she made and take care of her mental health.
Society puts way to much pressure on women to be absolutely everything to everyone. No wonder society is crumbling when we're told being there for our children isn't enough and that somehow our self worth and success is only measured by our income .

You can do this
Where is baby s dad? Can they support more? (They should be anyway? Their life should have altered too.....)
If you are top career with good pay outsource what you can
Use strategies lists etc

You can do this
Where is baby s dad? Can they support more? (They should be anyway? Their life should have altered too.....)
If you are top career with good pay outsource what you can
Use strategies lists etc

Ignore one of the responses OP.

It's hard. Incredibly hard. We've had it shoved down our throats that 'we can have it all'. In practice it's not always that easy - it comes with great sacrifice that impacts your children, your career and your sanity.

Whatever decision you made was right the one for you. If you think about it, you wouldn't have easily walked away from the job. It'll have taken months, years even and significant toll before you reached the decision.

Your kiddies are only little for a short amount of time. You can and will be able to climb the ladder again at a time that is right for you.

Money doesn't make you happy (as you have found). Granted it will give you options. But perhaps it not being at the expense of children and well-being is not a bad thing.

I made same mistake after the birth of my DC. Now, 15y later, am totally screwed. Do not be me, please.

I don't think everything needs to be linear. Right now, the retirement age will be at least 67 by the time people in their thirties come to retire. That's a hell of a lot working years left. Plenty of time to take time out and get back in later.

Raising young children is a worthy and rewarding job in and of itself. Taking time out for a few years to concentrate on that (if you want to) is a luxury afforded to few people and is made possible only if you have money enough to do it. You're young enough to take your foot off the accelerator a little bit and enjoy more of the riches of life than just making a salary.

Go read up on some of the regrets people had at the end of their life - there have been studies done on it. (Spoiler: nearly everyone said they wished they had spent more time with their family; nobody said they wished they'd spent more time at work.)

You then can focus on getting back into a job you love when the children are a bit older. I know someone who worked part time as a lawyer for years - she managed to negotiate 3 days a week with summer holidays off. As the kids became teens she increased her hours. Two weeks ago, at 50 she accepted a partnership in another firm. Her career is firmly in the ascendant.

Other people I know didn't start their training contracts until they were 40.

Life isn't a race.

OP, there are some seriously odd responses on this thread. You have to listen to your body or you will make yourself ill. You aren't a machine, you're a human and a mum.

I was in a similar situation, top of my career, good income, head of dept, then had DS.

Everything changed. I found I couldn't be in two places at once no matter what I tried. It just didn't work. I couldn't keep all the information in my head while raising, entertaining, caring for an energetic toddler to the standards I wanted.

So I gave up my big international job and took a similar UK-based job with a smaller company, where there was less politics, less pressure, no travel etc. I maintained my skills and my cv, and had a viable income (about 60% of previously).

That worked until ds went to senior school. He goes to a small independent which offers all the support I need so I can work full time. If a meeting over-runs he goes to the boarding house for tea and I collect him later. If I need to travel, he'll spend a night or two at the boarding house. He enjoys the occasional night with his mates, I can work and not worry. Baby brain has disappeared, Hormones have settled down, I enjoy my work again, my salary is going up again.

Give yourself time, allow yourself to adapt to your new reality, forget about what other people think, and consider what you and your child really NEED. In a national skills shortage and with your CV you'll be fine. When prospective employers ask just say you took a short maternity break. It's fine. It's allowed. xx

@koalabearboombox I like the idea of reframing what you think success looks like to you. I'd say you can be successful in work as before but you'll need a lot more support from your partner or family or paid help. I've seen it with a lot of the very successful women I've worked with. I also think you need to have that confidence in yourself, that you're still who you were before. Again, a common thing in my colleagues.

For me as a single parent, something has to give so I took on a slightly lower paying job in order to be able to facilitate the school runs/have that flexibility. I was fine with that.

I'm 15 years on from you OP, was in a similar position, High flying and earning then had first DC at 29.

I didn't try to go back FT, went PT initially (didn't work at all in previous role) and then a long distance house move forced me to reassess what I wanted from my life and career. I wasn't built to stay at home, I loved my time with my babies but it was HARD and I didn't want to do it 7 days a week. I also didn't want to abandon everything I'd worked so hard for.

I went to work for the civil service. I took a relatively junior management role that I knew I could deliver well in 3 days per week without it being challenging me outside and encroaching on my time on days off. I knew in the civil service there would be opportunities for me to step up when I was ready and that's what happened. I got my first chance shortly after my youngest DC started school and went back FT at that point (CS also great for flexibility so I was at home 3 days per week long before covid). In the last year (I'm 44 now) I've been promoted to a salary on a par with what I'd be earning if I'd stayed in that job I gave up after having DC1. I have a final salary pension scheme so this is a big bonus.

Obviously it's not all about the money - and even if it was I've still lost a decade of decent earnings while I was PT or lower grade - but this path gave me the right balance. I couldn't handle the thought of them in childcare 5 days a week, it just wasn't an option for me. But keeping my career alive was so important for me, both for what it gave me during those tough early years, and for the ability to revive it now when my DC are both jn secondary school.

I hope you can find something that works for you. If you haven't already left try to work something out with your current employer as a first step. I will also say that a supportive partner makes all of this so much easier. I needed him to step up so that the days I was working I could really devote myself to it.

What does your child’s father do to share the load?

I agree with PP, life isn't linear. Can you take a step back to a less senior position, either in the same or a related field, so there's less pressure? I'm not sure what support you have with childcare etc, but maintaining a senior level career when you have kids is not easy, unless you have extensive wrap-around care, a nanny or whatever - and that still doesn't resolve the issue of mum guilt, or being in such a different place mentally that motivating yourself to continue working in such a high pressure environment, long hours etc, feels impossible.

Not read everything here but....life isn't work. You are not a failure. You achieved wonderful things at work. You have a wonderful child (I'm sure). And now life is taking you on a different path. Don't see this as a bad thing.

Stop. Breathe. As long as you can afford to - take a pause.

Be mum for a while.

Find you again.

Then think about where you want your career to go. And if that's a school hour job. That's fine.

We (can) live in such a materialistic world where we are chasing the next role and the higher salary....because we have been conditioned to do this.

I stopped for years when I had mine. I had lost.my drive. BUT I had a wonderful time with the kids. We lived within our means. But I could be at every school event going and we made the most of the holidays.

I am back working in a different field. Completely different path. That's ok too. I see it as a new challenge.

You will be OK. This isn't failure it's change. Good luck.

Money isn't everything in life. I have been a SAHM sixteen years now and wouldn't want it any other way. I love being around for all the DC. I am about to start a part time degree next month. You get there just the same in life 🤷🏻

OP you are not a failure! Be kind to yourself 💐

What were your reasons to decide to have kids and leave your career in the first place? Might put things in perspective if you think about that?