Top of career ladder before kids and now feel like a failure

[koalabearboombox]

I have always been a success at work - lots of achievements then given a leadership role at 29. Very impressive to colleagues / clients / peers and always great feedback.

Came back to work after mat leave with my confidence absolutely destroyed and my brain seemingly no longer functioning. Zero self esteem, massive memory issues (e.g. I'd have conversations and simply can't remember the contents of them unless documented). Tried to fake-it-till-i-made-it for 18 months until it just became too hard and all-consuming, and I decided to throw in the towel and quit with nothing to go to. I keep getting asked my clients "what's next for you?", they expect to hear about an amazing job, and when I say I'm taking a bit of time out they look super awkward.

I feel like I've completely f*cked up my career by leaving such a senior job and high salary that others at my age could only dream of. There were many other reasons that I left, but ultimately I just couldn't cope with the pressure of it along with the pressure of parenthood. It was a lot of responsibility, with little to no support.

How do I deal with having such enourmous feelings of failure? How do I pick myself back up again? Will I ever have the confidence to do a big job again?

It's hard, I quit my much worked for job after dc1. I agonised over it for months but the juggle was too much. Having said that I had no remote, flexi or p/t option & today the landscape is different

I fell into another career, started very slowly. But I now earn double what I started on 4 yrs ago. Yes it's not as much as before but it's solid, I enjoy it & I work p/t & have lots of holiday so I have a really good balance.

I have a final salary pension scheme so this is a big bonus.

That scheme doesn't exist any more does it @PurpleWhirple? annoying.

I agree with PP who say you have to reframe what you think of as failure. Success in life isn’t all about having a senior job. I used to be very career focused, falling over myself to be a success in sales and working all hours - looking back I wasn’t very happy. Now I have kids I know I have the balance just right, I’m not in a particularly senior role, I know I could have worked up to a senior role if I’d really busted a gut…however, my role is very flexible, I have time to be present for my kids, I’m not stressed and don’t bring work home with me, and I have enough money to do everything inwantb( obv could always have more). I see this set up as more of a ‘success’ than people in senior positions who live for their work and are very stressed etc. and having to a lick people who are idiots haha. So as I say maybe reframe success - it isn’t all about money and being in a senior position!

What's your support network like? The women I know who manage career and family with minimal impact on mental health have a husband who pulls his weight. Grandparents or a solid childcare structure in place. Cleaner, dog walker etc.

There are not enough hours in the day to manage a full time job, young children, house and mental load, Don't beat your self up try to figure how it can work for you.

For example my sil and bil both work full time in successful careers. They have one child. There are two sets of grandparents who provide full child care around school. They also help on weekends so sil and bil can get some down time. One grandparent does some cleaning for them and another does gardening/odd jobs.

Me dh and I have three kids , 1 with Sen. We have no external support. We tried both working full time using paid childcare but the impact on our mh, the lack of spare money after bills paid we decided I would go part time. Dh continues to work hard at his career and I have a job I love plus deal with the family stuff and I am there for my Sen child who needs lots of support and structure.

It's closed to new entrants but continues for those of us already in.

New entrants to CS still get defined benefit pensions, just based on career average salaries rather than final

Flip it. It can be good to have an opportunity to reinvent yourself, change your focus, try something new. And ironically it can be easy for women to this with the change of direction happening when you have kids than it is for men - wrongly or rightly it doesn't stand out as unusual on a CV. Every 10-15 years a lot of people welcome a bit of a change to keep things stimulating, stop a rut etc

@PurpleWhirple sorry that's what I meant.

Annoying for younger people

Similar position to yours - had a great job and was very respected in my field, then post baby I just couldn’t hack it with the sleep deprivation, the constant guilt, being compared to mums who didn’t have to work 14 hour days… i used to be so tough but became a ball of mental health mess.

I was so unwell that my husband found me a therapist (I did t even have the energy to look for one) and she helped me so much that even thinking of her now makes me emotional.

I ended up quitting my job and have had two other jobs since, both a complete compromise and a big “wth” on my CV. still in the same industry but nothing like what I did previously. I have felt like a failure because people who I used to manage are now higher up than me. My current place is so disorganised and toxic that it has become very stressful in other ways in addition.

I understand the “reframing success” advice, however at my core, to me, success means also professional success and it is very important to me - I can’t lie that something isn’t important to me if it just is… my daughter is now in primary school and I’m looking for a new job, I really try to think positively and hope someone will give me a chance to return to where I left off. A few years have gone and I feel like I could hack it again.

BUT I couldn’t have got this energy to fight back sooner to be honest, I’ve only just come out the other side and have got my self belief back. Someone said life isn’t linear and that really resonated with me - I genuinely couldn’t keep up before and it sounds like you couldn’t either. No point comparing yourself to people who could - maybe they didn’t have kids, maybe they had more help, maybe they had more supportive work environments.

also - I recently found an old MN thread that went something like “Did having children ruin your career” - it’s a sad but sobering read and it will show you that it is genuinely a crazy struggle and you’re not a failure, just in a really tough spot!

It's important to figure out if you genuinely want a career break and other people are making you feel bad - or if you've worked too hard and are approaching burnout. It sounds like the latter.

In which case it's hugely important to take the rest from work, including if you're able to keep your kid at least a few hours in childcare to get complete rest.

I'd also see a therapist or coach to dig deeper into your challenges at work. If your kid doesn't sleep its genuinely debilitating and you simply lose function at a certain level of sleep deprivation and then you need more help with nights. If you're trying to work like you don't have a kid, or parent like you don't work - this isn't possible and you maybe need to unpick why you expect that (perfectionism or workaholism or anything else that might underly that).

I'm on the 'Mom' track btw, partly because my DH was ill. None of us can control life ultimately and if I get to be old, I know I won't regret spending time with my little people.

Youre a huge SUCCESS.

You can try it part time or get back there if you want.

But your health is more important!

@JamSandle This!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. There were so many which have really reassured me that this is simply a season of life, a loving thing I'm doing for my so, which I really was not expecting - so thank you. The comment telling me I have fucked up was not helpful.

To clarify, I am going to use my skills to freelance - currently toying with how big / small to go - it is still a tough climate right now but

The main thing that has worried me was how differently I've been treated since telling professional contacts I'm giving up the job. Mostly I'm met with putting looks and lots of people no longer giving me the time of day. I have probably always placed a large amount of importance of career, but also status, so I need to work on reducing the impact this has on my self-esteem.

My partner has been fab, he too has been on a similar career journey, so that has helped.

I was always determined to stay "at the top" after having kids and I guess I've been frustrated at how impossible it's been to do that, while also being the kind of parent I want to be.

Good luck. (I did some freelancing. Just enough to give me extra cash for treats and holidays. Not too much to stress. Great idea.)

Leaving for freelancing is a great idea! I sounded more cautious above as I thought you were leaving to stop work completely and that is a bigger risk/challenge to MH I think.

This sounds like a wonderful new start with more balance. Wishing you all the best!