Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Being open with your manager about plans to have children (or more children)

135 replies

barcelona87 · 27/08/2023 17:14

I'm asking in the context of thinking of ideas for an MSc Occupational Psychology research project and want to test whether there is something interesting to say about this.

My hunch is people generally don't feel comfortable openly discussing it and this could impact career planning / the support your manager can give you.

Similarly, for all the managers out there - would you feel comfortable discussing this if an employee raised it in the context of their career?

Would love to know what others think! At this stage I'm just brainstorming ideas...

Thanks!

OP posts:
indigopenguin · 27/08/2023 19:57

I worked through a miscarriage and a cycle of IVF without telling my manager out of all of the fears others have outlined above.

However, my challenges continued and I did tell my manager which was a huge weight off my shoulders. She was incredible supportive through two further losses, and I have confidence that this won't impact my career.

I actually think it would be useful if people felt comfortable talking about plans for children with their manager. How many women haven't applied for new roles out of fear "what if I fall pregnant soon"? How many have worried about what having children would mean for their career?

If you work for a supportive organisation then having this conversation would hopefully mean you'd have someone who can put your fears to rest and support you to develop your career around your plans. That's certainly how I'd respond if someone I managed shared this information with me.

sadaboutmycat · 27/08/2023 19:57

Would you think a man thinking of having more children should discuss all these things with their manager?

Stopsnowing · 27/08/2023 19:59

This is ridiculous. There are good legal reasons why employers don’t have these conversations with employees and frankly it is pointless trying to career
plan in the way you suggest given that anything can happen fertility wise.

EggOverEasy · 27/08/2023 20:01

titchy · 27/08/2023 17:43

I didn't suggest it would only be female employees having these discussions - the points certainly apply to all employees thinking about children.

Lol. As if becoming a parent was ever something that affected a father's career prospects to the extent that he needed career and anxiety counselling with his line managerHmm

This. Men don't have the same barriers once they have children in the way women do.

In companies that have leave for IVF there may be some discussion before and during treatment to get time off but I can't imagine it would be very in depth.

aspirationalflamingo · 27/08/2023 20:10

I'm not sure the level of hostility in some of these responses is warranted.

The question of support for employees going through IVF (or dealing with infertility) would be potentially valuable. It can be extremely difficult for employees to manage for many of the reasons posters have given above for avoiding these conversations.

I can't remember where but I'm sure I read some research into the number of women who leave the workforce entirely due to the difficulties of navigating employment and infertility/IVF - physically, emotionally and with the whole culture of secrecy around TTC as well as stigma in talking about losses or infertility.

It's not the role of line managers to provide counselling to employees, but even if you adopt a harsh capitalist stance it is still in an employer's interests to support staff dealing with infertility and loss.

Welcomer · 27/08/2023 20:10

I'd be fine with it if my employees brought it up, and would support them in any way I can. I have employees of childbearing age, have had two mat leaves and one paternity leave in my group in the past three years. I'm aware anyone could need parental leave at any time and that's always completely fine, we just arrange the work accordingly.

aspirationalflamingo · 27/08/2023 20:12

indigopenguin · 27/08/2023 19:57

I worked through a miscarriage and a cycle of IVF without telling my manager out of all of the fears others have outlined above.

However, my challenges continued and I did tell my manager which was a huge weight off my shoulders. She was incredible supportive through two further losses, and I have confidence that this won't impact my career.

I actually think it would be useful if people felt comfortable talking about plans for children with their manager. How many women haven't applied for new roles out of fear "what if I fall pregnant soon"? How many have worried about what having children would mean for their career?

If you work for a supportive organisation then having this conversation would hopefully mean you'd have someone who can put your fears to rest and support you to develop your career around your plans. That's certainly how I'd respond if someone I managed shared this information with me.

How many women haven't applied for new roles out of fear "what if I fall pregnant soon"?

Exactly. It's a fairly regular question posted on here.

Ma12 · 27/08/2023 20:17

I didn’t mention it when I was first ttc but then I had a miscarriage (that took around 6 weeks from knowing something was wrong and I was very unwell). Obviously after this they knew I was ttc. In this time they put another job out internally and very long story short I was definitely discriminated against.

I’ve recently returned from mat leave and have decided to stay in my current job until we’ve finished having babies. I vaguely mentioned I wanted more children in my last performance review because I have no plans to progress with my current employer and no plans to do anything above or beyond exactly what I’m paid for because of how I was treated, if I did I wouldn’t have mentioned it.

WWYDIYWMRN · 27/08/2023 20:24

Going against the grain but yes I've had members of my team talking about TTC etc with me, and I've always been supportive of losses, IVF, Flexible working requests etc. We work for the NHS and are a female dominated team though, so maybe different to others

Neverseenbefore · 27/08/2023 20:24

Truly terrible idea.

indigopenguin · 27/08/2023 20:24

aspirationalflamingo · 27/08/2023 20:10

I'm not sure the level of hostility in some of these responses is warranted.

The question of support for employees going through IVF (or dealing with infertility) would be potentially valuable. It can be extremely difficult for employees to manage for many of the reasons posters have given above for avoiding these conversations.

I can't remember where but I'm sure I read some research into the number of women who leave the workforce entirely due to the difficulties of navigating employment and infertility/IVF - physically, emotionally and with the whole culture of secrecy around TTC as well as stigma in talking about losses or infertility.

It's not the role of line managers to provide counselling to employees, but even if you adopt a harsh capitalist stance it is still in an employer's interests to support staff dealing with infertility and loss.

Yes, you're right. I think the statistic was something like 35-40% consider leaving their job if they don't have support when going through infertility, and 70% take sick leave going through treatment.

Having a corporate fertility policy (which is becoming more common - particularly for larger companies) makes having conversations about this so much easier.

Neverseenbefore · 27/08/2023 20:26

indigopenguin · 27/08/2023 20:24

Yes, you're right. I think the statistic was something like 35-40% consider leaving their job if they don't have support when going through infertility, and 70% take sick leave going through treatment.

Having a corporate fertility policy (which is becoming more common - particularly for larger companies) makes having conversations about this so much easier.

Show quote history

That’s different. That’s a medical issue.

Merapi · 27/08/2023 20:30

If you worked for this kind of organisation, would that make a difference?

I can't really see this as being relevant to your study, to be honest. The overwhelming majority of people will not work for an organisation like that. There is also the issue that you might think you worked for an organisation like that, but subsequently found out to your cost that they weren't.

indigopenguin · 27/08/2023 20:31

@Neverseenbefore true, but I think it's all connected. If you're worried about discussing TTC at work then you're probably also less likely to reach out for support when things go wrong.

aspirationalflamingo · 27/08/2023 20:32

Neverseenbefore · 27/08/2023 20:26

That’s different. That’s a medical issue.

Show quote history

Different but directly connected.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 27/08/2023 20:55

"To provide support around any anxiety over whether to have children and how it might impact your career, or to provide support through fertility issues"

I think this makes sense. I lead a team of 7 (4 of them are women of childbearing age). We are a very close team and I would like to think they would speak to me if they had any worries about how having children may affect their career so I could reassure them.

Apart from that I don't think any other conversations are needed!

kipperba · 27/08/2023 20:55

My gosh, people are so rude!
Op, I have a wonderful manager and work for a supportive company. I'm not sure if this is relevant but she is female and a mother. I mentioned in my interview that something that is important to me in this role is work life balance because I plan to have children in the next few years. I didn't feel at all anxious to do this because if it was an issue, I wouldn't want to work there. Since then it has come up in career discussions and she has always reassured me that having children does not impact my ability to progress in my company.

As soon as I fell pregnant I told my manager and she has had been amazing, told me to rest when I look tired or unwell, and is proceeding with my promotion in October although I'll be starting maternity leave end of November.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 27/08/2023 21:02

Merapi · 27/08/2023 18:02

The only possible outcome I could foresee from having this discussion with your manager is that your career progression would come to an immediate halt.

That's really very pessimistic! Not all companies and managers are like this.

Original poster
barcelona87 · 27/08/2023 22:28

Merapi · 27/08/2023 20:30

If you worked for this kind of organisation, would that make a difference?

I can't really see this as being relevant to your study, to be honest. The overwhelming majority of people will not work for an organisation like that. There is also the issue that you might think you worked for an organisation like that, but subsequently found out to your cost that they weren't.

As mentioned in my original post, I’m just brainstorming ideas at the moment, so nothing is or isn’t relevant. This thread is helping me to hone in on an interesting area to research.

OP posts:
Original poster
barcelona87 · 27/08/2023 22:31

kipperba · 27/08/2023 20:55

My gosh, people are so rude!
Op, I have a wonderful manager and work for a supportive company. I'm not sure if this is relevant but she is female and a mother. I mentioned in my interview that something that is important to me in this role is work life balance because I plan to have children in the next few years. I didn't feel at all anxious to do this because if it was an issue, I wouldn't want to work there. Since then it has come up in career discussions and she has always reassured me that having children does not impact my ability to progress in my company.

As soon as I fell pregnant I told my manager and she has had been amazing, told me to rest when I look tired or unwell, and is proceeding with my promotion in October although I'll be starting maternity leave end of November.

Thanks kipperba, great to hear the contrasting views and experiences on this, and that your employer has been so supportive. I’ve often wondered about disclosure to potential new employers too (even just asking about parental leave policies etc at interview).

OP posts:
Original poster
barcelona87 · 27/08/2023 22:32

Neverseenbefore · 27/08/2023 20:24

Truly terrible idea.

Being open with your manager, or the research idea? Regardless, please can you elaborate?

OP posts:
Yutes · 27/08/2023 22:45

No, I wouldn’t discuss it with my manager.

I had a miscarriage, came back to work. My manager knew and as time went on my manager put me under pressure to tell her I was pregnant (I wasn’t) but she “had other staff to support and to think about”.

I subsequently had another miscarriage and ruptured ectopic where support has not been what it should.
I now have no pressure to report anything. And I will not be sharing any plans. I am, however, expected to take on more responsibility now I am back and have not reported anything…….it maybe hasn’t changed how work view me, but it has changed how I view my work place

Yutes · 27/08/2023 22:46

The idea of being open with your manager, for me, only benefits your manager and IME gives me no privacy.

PinkPlantCase · 28/08/2023 08:04

Very few people work in an organisation you describe.

Where I work is generally a kind, flexible employer but they are a small business and they can’t even confirm if I can have part time working for a few months next summer when I return from maternity leave because it’s too far away and I’m 28 weeks pregnant.

Research into how women are supported during pregnancy and return to work as PP suggested would probably be much more helpful to the cause.

If women were better supported here then it would have a knock on effect for women TTC.

I shouldn’t need to have any of the conversations you describe with a manager before a pregnancy.

My expectation and the legal stand point should be that my career with them will be supported regardless of pregnancy and the needs of me an a new or pregnant mother should also be supported.

Peony654 · 28/08/2023 08:06

Definitely not. It’s no one business but me and my husband. Getting pregnant and having a healthy baby can be unpredictable and hard without having your work / manager involved. Definitely would not want my fertility featuring in my appraisal. It would further entrench sex related discrimination at work to - I bet you wouldn’t expect a man to discuss his family plans for his work