Coworker told my business to everyone

[FlowGirl22]

Yesterday, I had a small moment out of the blue at my desk. I was so stressed, a tear went down my face from the anxiety. I was very quiet, so it wasn’t very noticeable unless you were watching. It rarely happens but it did because I was under a heightened level of stress (work related).

A coworker saw me and as I was rushing to the bathroom, they followed me. I spoke told them it’s just about if stress, nothing to be worried about. Next thing I know, 10 minutes later this coworker went and told the people in my team and my manager about this after I had specifically told this person NOT to mention it to anyone. They blew up the whole thing out of proportions.

My manager rang me in panic and saw I was fine afterwards. I was just having a personal moment which is what I told the manager and asked for it not to be blown out of proportions.

This came right after the announcement that I was put on the track to move up to the next level of seniority.

I’m really frustrated now because I told this coworker not to tell anyone about this because it wasn’t worth escalating or running their mouth over. I know myself and this was nothing to be making a fuss over. They did the polar opposite of what I told them thus breaching a boundary of mine.

Now, I’m worried this may affect their decision to put me on the track for the next level because I’m afraid the manager will think I’m not ready.

What to do?

What did I over share exactly?

I can’t help if she noticed me right as about to leave my desk.

I would take your week off, try & put it out of your mind. Going on sick leave will only play into her hands. However I would be having a serious word with your immediate boss on your return, to explain that you have no wish to be mentored by this person as she has proven, more than once by the sounds of it, that she is a gossip & that doesn't respect boundaries. Then keep well clear of her.

Oh come on @FlowGirl22 you have said you told her you were stressed. I think you are also going on sick leave to get over the drama of it but I may have got that wrong.

You need to pull up your big girl pants and get yourself to work. If you are throwing sickies over this, you most certainly aren't ready for a promotion.

Learn from it and shape up. If it has really pushed you over the edge then get yourself to the Dr and sort out some therapy. Your manager will have to formally record work related stress.

You need to keep your head down and get on with your work. No doubt you are Gen Z and it's all about "me".

I’m actually not a Gen Z at all. A bit condescending if you to assume it is the case and make sure generalization.

I haven’t thrown any ‘sickie’, I said I was contemplating it. My manager doesn’t have to record this as ‘stress’ since we spoke on Zoom and said I Iooked fine. Without a doctor’s note or formal evidence, you can’t do that where I live.

Me saying I’m having a moment, I’m abut but stressed isn’t over sharing. The amount of times I’ve heard the word ‘stress’ on routine basis at work.. at this rate, everybody would have a stress note in their files.

Whether I overshared or not, it doesn’t justify her disclosing this to the whole planet.

I agree with this.

You aren't in the UK then? If I were your manager I'd have a very dim view of you taking a sickie over this. In the UK, a reason for self certified sickness needs to be given. Fit note on the 8th day.

Once you tell something others will always repeat it regardless of being asked not to. So don't tell in future

Oh, and she's told the whole planet now. Everyone on earth: the Chinese, the Africans, the Australasians, all the Brits, the Europeans.

@FlowGirl22 can you not see the drama you are bringing to this. You really need to get some help.

Style it out. Tell everyone you had had very good news and it was a tear if joy/excitement.

Figure of speech - does that ring a bell? You need to calm down and check your tone especially as you know it was a figure of speech. Ridiculing someone is immature.

I’m not in the UK. Over here, employers should not know the reason for the sick note. It doesn’t matter if it’s a self-certification of a few days or a doctor’s note. The condition remains private.

It's not normal to 'shed a tear as a way to cope with heightened stress'.
Yes it is, for a lot of people. Or are you clumsily trying to say it’s unprofessional to cry at work? What other emotions should we banish from the workplace? What else can we do to become robots with no emotions or humanity?

And now you're lashing out at this woman and assuming the worst when quite probably she was concerned about you and sought advice from someone she trusted.
The only person this woman should be seeking advice from us HR or possibly her manager. She doesn’t need to tell randoms in the office she saw OP crying. The fact so many think this kind of childish, gossipy behaviour is normal is shocking. It’s more like high schoolers than professional adults.

I disagree with this, you tell it to the lead/line manager maybe but it's totally inappropriate to tell people that don't need to know, colleagues working from home that aren't team leads, why would anyone think that's appropriate? If I was the team lead I would be getting the mentor in the office about their inappropriate behaviour.

Your comment is needlessly rude. Why does op need 'to get help'?

Op you're human, it happens sometimes.

I've had team leads cry at work when relatives were ill, when we were under pressure during covid. It happens. The inappropriate behaviour is someone gossiping/revelling telling team members that don't need to know.

Hey @RosesAndHellebores I've just read the rest of your posts. Op is not your personal scratching post you know. Calm down or bu**er off.

I really think you're minimising this OP. It's not normal to 'shed a tear as a way to cope with heightened stress'. And now you're lashing out at this woman and assuming the worst when quite probably she was concerned about you and sought advice from someone she trust

It is perfectly normal for some of us. I might have a cry when I'm stressed, and it helps me. I'd usually try and do it away from my desk then I crack on. Funnily enough the worst, most stressful job I ever had, I never once cried in the office.

As for "lashing out", OP is quite rightly very unhappy at this woman gossiping, which led to another colleague - not even in the office - contacting OP to see if she was ok. Mention it discreetly to the boss if you think somebody Is not okay but that's completely different to telling anyone else- it's nobody else's business.

sounds like sabotage

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate the advice and kind words.

I’m thinking of addressing this with my manager. My manager has a strict policy against gossiping and this goes against it.

I would say something to the effect of: ‘I had kindly asked this colleague to keep this situation private. While I understand her reaching out to you as you are my line manager, I do not agree nor appreciate the fact she discussed this matter with another colleague who was not in the office that day and who is not part of my management chain. From my perspective, this person has crossed a boundary by disclosing confidential information to another colleague without my consent and I hope you will take this feedback onboard.’

I still cannot believe she did this. If she truly was concerned about me, she should have known that telling people other than my manager would amplify and aggravate the situation for me. In no way shape or form does it contribute to reducing my stress. If anything, it added more stress to me because this situation went from a private moment to a full blown drama. I hate scenes or drama in the workplace.

I also forgot to add that aside from
this scenario and the instances I mentioned earlier (her hugging me while I was on a Zoom call or answering questions for me), there was another instance the day before where she got called out by the manager for being intrusive.

The manager was on an open floor talking to one of their colleagues on the phone while this person was eavesdropping, then she interrupted the manager on the call by saying ‘You know you can talk about us openly on an open floor if you want. You don’t have to mumble on a Zoom call’.

The manager’s response was ‘Excuse me?’. Then they left the office altogether.

This person is like a moth to a flame. Emotionally needy and rather inappropriate most times.

I would say something but less detailed and formal. “I am still shocked that Bertha took a minor moment of me processing my workload, blew it out of proportion then gossiped about it.”

Your manager is already frustrated with her. She is obviously a big problem.

As I already said I don't think we can judge without knowing exactly what was said. Maybe they had big workload that they were about to drop on OP, so the mentor felt the need to protect her? Maybe it wasn't "Oh guess what, I just found FlowGirl in tears at her desk" and more "Look Flowgirls already feeling the pressure at the moment and had to take herself away from her desk at one point, so can XYZ project be taken on by someone else for now?"

I think deliberate. Either trying to make you look weak or trying to make herself seem super caring and worthy of mentoring role. Either way she's not cared about your feelings at all even when she sees you in distress. Have a word with her and your line manager together and say that was totally out of order and it was stress for personal not work reasons.

To be honest she was probably trying to be helpful if I saw a colleague crying at work I would also tell the other colleagues so they were a little kinder to that person that day

The thing is she said it to a colleague I don’t work with at all. I had zero contact with that other colleague she mentioned it to. Plus, it was about 4pm on a Friday, so almost finish time. There was zero point in disclosing this so close to the end of the day.

I’m pretty sure she did it for gossip purposes. That other colleague had no business knowing this.

I think so too. The worst part of it is that when she had the call with my manager to tell her, she said she was in tears too because she saw me in tears.

I’m sorry but I think her goes deeper than me having a moment at my desk. You can’t care for someone if you can’t manage your own emotions. I get the empathetic part, but by her being in tears when she rang my manager and the other colleague, she made the whole situation way more dramatic than it should have been. It’s not normal behavior.

I’m going to have to rethink her being my mentor on this promotion track. The problem is that my manager didn’t give me the choose who it is I want which is an issue for me m.

No workload was about to be dropped on me. The other colleague is not someone I work with or someone who has an impact on my workload. My workload wasn’t going to increase since I was due to go on vacation after that day. Hence my frustration because she could have just remained quiet about this!

I had 3 hours left before my leave, none of this should have been disclosed to the manager or the coworker.

It was straight up gossip.