Coworker told my business to everyone

[FlowGirl22]

Yesterday, I had a small moment out of the blue at my desk. I was so stressed, a tear went down my face from the anxiety. I was very quiet, so it wasn’t very noticeable unless you were watching. It rarely happens but it did because I was under a heightened level of stress (work related).

A coworker saw me and as I was rushing to the bathroom, they followed me. I spoke told them it’s just about if stress, nothing to be worried about. Next thing I know, 10 minutes later this coworker went and told the people in my team and my manager about this after I had specifically told this person NOT to mention it to anyone. They blew up the whole thing out of proportions.

My manager rang me in panic and saw I was fine afterwards. I was just having a personal moment which is what I told the manager and asked for it not to be blown out of proportions.

This came right after the announcement that I was put on the track to move up to the next level of seniority.

I’m really frustrated now because I told this coworker not to tell anyone about this because it wasn’t worth escalating or running their mouth over. I know myself and this was nothing to be making a fuss over. They did the polar opposite of what I told them thus breaching a boundary of mine.

Now, I’m worried this may affect their decision to put me on the track for the next level because I’m afraid the manager will think I’m not ready.

What to do?

I think you're worrying too much. Just say on Monday that you feel much better now and that if your colleague hadn't got involved on Friday you would've been OK within a few minutes anyway.

And yes, I would ask for a different mentor. She's betrayed your trust.

FlowGirl22 in that case, I'd complain to my boss.

She's a dick. Gossiping about you is so inappropriate. When you're back, have a discussion with your line manager, say that you're concerned that she took an incredibly minor matter, then blew it out of all proportion by gossiping about it to other colleagues who had no need to know about it at all. You don't need to say anything else, but I'd be very wary of her going forwards.

My manager rang me on Friday and I just said I was just having a moment and I needed to take a few minutes. I also said that I didn’t want this to be blown out of proportions.

She then called this coworker and told her I’m fine.

I don’t know if I can change mentor without creating friction.

If she had a genuine concern for your well-being then yes tell your manager but your manager only. She would not be going around telling others it’s so unprofessional and I’d speak to your manager about this and how it’s made you feel.

I forgot to add the worst part of it all.

She rang my manager and this other coworker and said that she started getting upset because she saw me upset.

While I appreciate the empathy, she may need to check on herself first.

Exactly.

When I realized she spoke to another colleague, my heart sank and my anxiety kicked in again.

I’ve been anxious since Friday because she blew this whole thing way out of proportions.

It's not a big deal but you're considering going on extended sick leave?

@Fallenangelofthenorth ... you beat me to it! Was just reading all comments before asking the same question.

As I said, the sick leave is to remove myself from this team that has no boundaries until I find a new role.

I feel like your response is a little disproportionate. When someone cries at work, it does naturally attract some commentary. You may not like it, but you can't really control what other people say about you.

I have an unfortunate tendency to cry when I get frustrated, especially with one particular boss. (Which is awful for her, because she isn't doing anything wrong) By now, the whole staff team has seen it happen and a couple of times coworkers have involuntarily teared up in response. But it's not a big deal because I'm open about it, so it's a bit of a running joke instead.

That’s fair enough but again, no one asked her to tell another coworker who wasn’t present on the day. This is where my problem lies because I can appreciate she tried to empathize and escalated to the manager out of concern despite my request not to tell anyone. However, she had no business mentioning this incident to another coworker.

Some people shed a tear as a way to cope with heightened stress. It happens. She’s the one whose attitude was disproportionate by telling the whole team, not me for telling her to keep this private.

I really think you're minimising this OP. It's not normal to 'shed a tear as a way to cope with heightened stress'. And now you're lashing out at this woman and assuming the worst when quite probably she was concerned about you and sought advice from someone she trusted. Your reactions are not normal here, and your latest reaction to take sick leave demonstrates this even further.

You don't say what the source of this 'stress' really is - and you don't need to - but I think you would be better off trying to understand what the real problem is that's upsetting you so much and getting some help / support with that.

Massive massive over reaction on your part . I think absolutely correct to report your stress related crying to your manager. Gossip unfortunate - but the others will have noticed you crying and going to the toilet

I truly don’t think she was seeking advice from this other coworker. She reached out to my manager and that should have been the end of the story. I’m not lashing out. I’m frustrated this private situation was shared with someone who shouldn’t have been privy to it.

I’m not being unreasonable at all in regards to the above.

This woman has no boundaries to the extent where she feels it’s OK to hug me while I’m on a Zoom call or answer personal questions that are directed at me in a call on a repeated basis. She lacks boundaries and this incident makes it evident.

The office was pretty much empty that day. No one would have noticed if she hadn’t chased after me as I was headed to the bathroom.

I think her behaviour has been appallingly unprofessional. I would not want her mentoring me, and whether she meant to or not she will have raised questions about your capacity for handling the job. Whatever you do, do not take sick leave. That just plays into her whole narrative.

Speak to her calmly and professionally next time you are in explaining your concerns about her sharing your private business with others when you had expressly asked her not to. If she comes back with the duty of care bollocks, ask her what the reason is for sharing with the other colleagues. And make it clear that if you can’t trust her not to spend her time idly gossiping you don’t want her mentorship.

I’d be annoyed by this but just keep my distance from the woman. People do gossip. I think part of advancing is learning how to handle people like this. Don’t ruminate on it. If you have to take sick leave it’s going to look like you can’t handle increased responsibility.

Are any of you doing any work between rushing to the bathroom, following other people to the bathroom, hugging people and messaging the people not in the office to tell them who's having a moment?

It all sounds very childish.

First rule of work op. Keep it zipped, keep it tight. Never, ever tell anyone work has made you cry, except your actual manager and only then if appropriate. Head up, chin out, back straight. "I needed five, something private upset me". That isn't a lie, that's keeping your stress private.

That’s a bit rude.

I rushed to the bathroom because I had a personal moment.

All the other behaviors you mentioned (following one to the bathroom, unsolicited hugging and messaging other people) aren’t behaviors I engaged in at all. I don’t hug people (hate physical contact with strangers), nor do I have time to follow people to the bathroom.

I’d have told her my eyes were watering and I needed to splash cold water on my face no way I’d have told her I was stressed. Speak to your manager tell her you had a moment and asked other colleague to not tell anyone else as it was nothing. Or just put on your game face and get on with it, if you feel you need extended sick leave maybe they are right to be concerned?…

That’s my thought process, but she got involved and blew it out of proportion.

@FlowGirl22 only because you over shared. She was wrong, but you broke the boundary. I'm sorry if that's hard to hear but you have learnt a lesson the hard way.