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Original poster

How to stay calm at work? Bullying and extreme anxiety

30 replies

Sendhelp101 · 05/08/2023 12:23

Hello,

I have to be really careful here as explaining too much could be really outing. For the last year I have been being subtly bullied (not infront of people so no evidence/witnesses but very 1 to 1). I have been keeping notes of everything. Alot of it relates to problems I experience due to my health. We are a very small team and person in question is 'part of the furniture', extremely close with everyone there and managers. I know I won't be believed and if I complain I will just be tainting my name as its a small place in a small town where I live and my children go to school.

This has been causing me extreme anxiety where at one point I was borderline suicidal. I'm a nervous wreck as everything I do and any minor mistake is picked up on and I'm either shouted at or reported to higher up. Its effecting every part of my life.

I know I need to get out and I'm actively looking however I need to be careful as this job works very well around school hours and I'm a single parent with 2 kids and no outside help at all so it's hard to find something that suits (I can afford wrap around holiday care for 2-3 days max but its not a very high paying job).

Please can anyone give me advice on how to survive this time between working and looking for somewhere new? Going off sick would be a last resort. I'm an anxious person anyway and I just need tips on how to not feel tearful/shakey etc and not have it spill over into my personal life too.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2023 12:42

You're asking for tips on how to shut down your normal bodily expressions of extreme stress, fear, hurt and pain Sad

Leave

Go off sick

Raise a grievance

Tell the fucker to FUCK OFF - if she can't be heard as it's 1 to 1, neither can you. Deny it happened. Call her a cunt for good measure

FlowersFlowersFlowers your body keeps the score

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 12:45

LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2023 12:42

You're asking for tips on how to shut down your normal bodily expressions of extreme stress, fear, hurt and pain Sad

Leave

Go off sick

Raise a grievance

Tell the fucker to FUCK OFF - if she can't be heard as it's 1 to 1, neither can you. Deny it happened. Call her a cunt for good measure

FlowersFlowersFlowers your body keeps the score

Yeah this (altho not sure telling someone to fuck off is a good idea, that got me a verbal warning). You are in a stressful situation and your reactions are telling you to get out to keep yourself safe.

Do you have an HR dept?

Chowtime · 05/08/2023 12:50

LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2023 12:42

You're asking for tips on how to shut down your normal bodily expressions of extreme stress, fear, hurt and pain Sad

Leave

Go off sick

Raise a grievance

Tell the fucker to FUCK OFF - if she can't be heard as it's 1 to 1, neither can you. Deny it happened. Call her a cunt for good measure

FlowersFlowersFlowers your body keeps the score

Best advice i've seen about bullying.

I'm still waiting to bump into my bully in a place where there are no cameras so that I can punch 7 bells of shit out of her without any witness there. I've been waiting 4 years now though 😀

Original poster
Sendhelp101 · 05/08/2023 13:05

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 12:45

Yeah this (altho not sure telling someone to fuck off is a good idea, that got me a verbal warning). You are in a stressful situation and your reactions are telling you to get out to keep yourself safe.

Do you have an HR dept?

Show quote history

Thank you so much for this I didn't expect anyone to reply this means so much! I wish I could but they seem to have a secret formula for doing it in the right place and time to not get heard. I have the worst luck so I know I'd get caught 🤣

We do have HR it's a huge organisation nut when I said this person is part if the furniture I really mean it and know nothing will happen. I just want to bow out and push myself to a better place to rub it in their face because I sense a lot of it is feeling threatened! My body really has been keeping the score and horrified at the thought I genuinely got close to suicide over it and thinking of my poor babies.

OP posts:
Readingineading · 05/08/2023 13:11

Look for another job. Honestly, my situation was very similar, HR actually witnessed some of the behaviour and the lovely HR person did everything she could BUT this person was on a Watertight contract as part of aquiring another company as a condition of the takeover that upper management squashed every attempt to discipline them.
Mine only ended after they left, I had also put my notice in and that is when the reasons for letting them get away with it were disclosed. If I could go back in time I would leave after the first incident.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 13:12

We do have HR it's a huge organisation nut when I said this person is part if the furniture I really mean it and know nothing will happen

I worked where one person made a big song and dance about how he and the dept manager were mates who'd worked together for years and he got away with a lot of things that should have had him out of the door. Then a new staff member made a complaint about his behaviour (sexual harassment) and it ended up going to an employment tribunal when he challenged his dismissal (he lost).

You have the notes (well done). This is affecting your health. If you DON'T go to HR it definitely won't change so what have you got to lose? Have a word with ACAS and see what your options are.

Annalisatheantelope · 05/08/2023 13:13

Please leave this job. Nothing in the world is worth risking your mental health.
Is there no way you can temp for a bit instead?
I'm so sorry you are going through this x

Newusernameaug · 05/08/2023 13:17

Love Laurie Fairy Cakes response!

But 100% go to HR Monday morning with all your notes and evidence.

I’ve just dealt with someone who rose to the top of a company, has been there 35+ years and was an awful bully, liar and manipulator - he’s now gone!! He knew he’d been found out. Do report this person, if they’re like this, I promise you, you won’t be the only one.

Once people heard others were speaking up about our bully - many others stepped forward.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 13:38

Once people heard others were speaking up about our bully - many others stepped forward

And this. Don't assume you're the only victim, OP. HR might be waiting for a critical mass of complaints. One thing is sure, if you do nothing everything will carry on the same way.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/08/2023 13:44

Use your phone to record your interactions. Play it back to them one day and tell them to pack it in.

(I may have been watching too much Gossip Girl)

DysfunctionalFamily · 05/08/2023 13:55

LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2023 12:42

You're asking for tips on how to shut down your normal bodily expressions of extreme stress, fear, hurt and pain Sad

Leave

Go off sick

Raise a grievance

Tell the fucker to FUCK OFF - if she can't be heard as it's 1 to 1, neither can you. Deny it happened. Call her a cunt for good measure

FlowersFlowersFlowers your body keeps the score

👏

swanling · 05/08/2023 14:19

You should be able to self-refer to IAPT psychotherapy/wellbeing services in your local area. You say you're an anxious person anyway plus work has had a negative impact on you, so you should seek professional support if you haven't already.

swanling · 05/08/2023 14:20

And obviously look for a new job, but I think that goes without saying.

Pinkflamingopants · 05/08/2023 14:36

First, go to your GP and tell them all of this and say you need to be signed off sick. Then, tell your HR dept everything, absolutely everything. And explain that because it’s made you suicidal you need to take some time off sick, and that you need to this about next steps. That should panic them a bit. Then decide if you want to leave (probably the best option), or stay and fight it out.

Fraaahnces · 05/08/2023 14:48

Honestly, can you set your computer up to video her? I know it’s not legal, but combined with your diarised examples, would be very powerful indeed. I imagine that if you knew she was shooting herself in the foot, then you would feel empowered. Or you could accidentally broadcast her bullying you to the entire company on teams….

LadinLee · 05/08/2023 14:59

Record on your phone without her knowing, just pretend you're looking something up.
As PP says, get signed off by GP, tell HR everything and that you are considering your next step.
Snd get another job asap as this one is ruining your health

Original poster
Sendhelp101 · 05/08/2023 16:23

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied it means so much. There are steps we are meant to follow rather than going straight to HR and when I explained to both our managers how I felt nothing was done, I was just asked if I wanted some mediation and since then I've been referred to occupational health for stress and anxiety instead 🤪 I didn't even tell occ health the reason for it as the report goes back to my manager and they are very close with each other.

It's very hard to explain why its so hard to take it further up without completely outing myself or making it easy for people to identify me and I can't risk that.

I'm desperately looking for something else but I need something that fits in around school hours and it's very hard to find that. If I go off sick how do I then ask for a reference? And what if i get an awful one from her?

Bleugh why are people like this i swear I have the worst luck I just want an easy life and thought I'd hit the jackpot with this job 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
Sendhelp101 · 05/08/2023 16:24

Also good idea about the recording, I'd have to be extremely careful though and it wouldn't be easy to do due to the nature orlf our jobs and confidentiality x

OP posts:
LadinLee · 05/08/2023 16:30

References have to be factual so they won't give you a bad reference unless they are specifically asked about aspects of your role where there is evidence you perform poorly. It can ask about number of days sickness absence but as long as it's been ok up until now you'll be able to explain it away as that's why you're needing out and looking for new job

Is it a line of work that you could sign up to an agency to do temp work, just to get you out of there and give you income until something else comes along?

whirlygirly · 05/08/2023 16:30

I've tackled something like this and against all odds it did go my way, however, what it didn't do was entirely sort the underlying issue that allowed the culture to get like that in the first place. 5 years on and it's better but I'm weary of tackling similar crap.

I'd try HR and your manager but also look for another job. You shouldn't have to but the energy needed to fight this sounds like it's taking too much of a toll on you. It's not worth your health.

If you do go, ask for an exit interview with the most senior person possible on the way out. Write to a member of the board.

swanling · 05/08/2023 16:35

Sendhelp101 · 05/08/2023 16:24

Also good idea about the recording, I'd have to be extremely careful though and it wouldn't be easy to do due to the nature orlf our jobs and confidentiality x

Making covert recordings at work might be considered misconduct by your employer - or gross misconduct, depending on policies.

GeneJeanie · 05/08/2023 16:38

I was in this position a few years ago. Things that helped me:

  • Making the decision to apply for jobs elsewhere really helped me feel a sense of control.
  • Working to rule. I had lost all goodwill by this point so just did enough.
  • Replace my inner monologue. So instead of thinking, “I’m so anxious that I’ve considered suicide” you could repeat, “I am safe and I am in control. I am taking active steps to protect myself”.
DyingDeclaration · 05/08/2023 16:41

If you are able to speak to HR, show them the long list of small subtle incidents/digs and explain how it is grinding you down and affecting you. Be clear that you do not feel psychologically safe to come to work and be alone in the presence of this person.

If this was my team I would be immediately separating you whilst I got to the bottom of what was actually going on.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 16:47

I didn't even tell occ health the reason for it as the report goes back to my manager and they are very close with each other.

Well, I found this website
https://occupationalhealthassessment.com/2023/01/16/guide-to-managing-employee-health-data/

And among other things it says

Medical information about individual workers should only be shared with managers where it is necessary to do so, so they can fulfil their management duties.
The ICO also say “…as far as possible, an occupational health advisor should hold the medical information about a worker…”.
Sharing medical information given by a worker to an occupational health practitioner is restricted by data protection law, as well as a duty of confidence. Generally, you should obtain explicit consent for the release of such information to non-medical personnel, such as managers.

So are they sharing it or you just think they're sharing it? if that's true then your company sounds really unprofessional.

Neverknowinglysensible · 05/08/2023 16:51

swanling · 05/08/2023 16:35

Making covert recordings at work might be considered misconduct by your employer - or gross misconduct, depending on policies.

Show quote history

This is absolutely true. Do not make covert recordings, I know someone who was sacked for it.
I really feel for you OP, I have been, and to a degree still are, in a similar situation with two members of staff who seem to be untouchable. Are you in a union?