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Original poster

Working mums; How do YOU cope with being away from your pre schoolers?

36 replies

lucyellensmum · 21/02/2008 11:19

My DD is 2.5 and i am a SAHM, but lots of things are meaning that i think i should really go back to work, part time preferably. Money, the fact that i am actually a bit bored now and i really think DD would benifit from nursery school as she is bored too.

The thing is, i have just re opened some infor re childcare i was sent last year, and just burst into tears at the thought of leaving her. I KNOW she will be OK, its ME!! I just cannot bear the thought of saying good bye to her in the morning and not seeing her until the afternoon or even tea time. But i know lots of people do this, and i know their children are happy.

How do you cope? Help me get past this, its holding me back and putting a great financial strain on our family.

OP posts:

hercules1 · 21/02/2008 11:21

Needs must. I dont have a choice. But I also love my job.

mishymoo · 21/02/2008 11:23

I must admit I felt really guilty at first (was SAHM for 14 months) especially when Ds cried and cried for the first couple of weeks. However, I knew he settled down within 5-10 minutes of me leaving him. It wasn't long after that he started enjoying it and used to run down the corridor to his room!

alfiesbabe · 21/02/2008 11:26

LEM - I think you're thinking about it too much! Going back to work is one of those things where if you over-analyse, and try to predict exactly how it's going to feel, then you'll end up stressed out. The reality will be far easier! You know in your heart it's the right thing to do - your DD will benefit from building up new relationships, and you admit yourself that you're bored.
As hercules says, a lot of people don't have a choice - so the agonising doesnt really come into it- you just get on with it. Also, the longer you've been at home, the harder it will feel to go back - so I would definitely go for it now! Good luck

motherinferior · 21/02/2008 11:27

I'm afraid I'm not much use to you because I really, really like my work much more than I prefer doing full-time childcare. I love my daughters more than anything else in my life, but I do like working too.

Volkl · 21/02/2008 11:30

some days it gets to me, but i realise that DS is learning so many more skills than i could provide at home. My DS has been in nursery full time since he was 5.5mo - i didnt want to do it, but the mortgage needs to be paid.

The most important thing to me now is making the most of evenings/weekends and doing as much as we can with him.

My DS loves nursery, and has his own little group of friends which we try to meet up with at weekends.

TigerFeet · 21/02/2008 11:31

Hi LEM

I will be honest and say that I have really struggled with leaving dd, especially at first, but I think this was in part because she was 6 months old and parlty I went back to work full time. SHe was the first child in the nursery in the morning and the last one out at the end of the day some days. It was absolutely horrendous.

I cried like a baby the first couple of times I left her ; the staff at the nursery and my colleagues at work were really sympathetic though.

Now dd is 3.7 and is still there every day Mon-Fri but thankfully I was in a position a few months back to cut my hours so her days (and mine!) are now a bit shorter.

DD has coped amazingly well; she has off days when she doesn't want to go but then again we all have off days don't we? It is harder for her now she is in preschool and her days are pretty full on but if you are going to work part time then this shouldn't be so much of a problem.

I think 2.5 is a good age to go for a few hours, I know others may well disagree, but dd loves nursery, she does things I could never do at home (like draw on the floor with chalk or paint the garden!!) and she has a very active social life around nursery. I know you can also get these things at toddler groups but I really do think that part time nursery care doesn't do any harm - although of course this is largely dependant on the nursery and the child. I have always said that if I were a SAHM and money were no object I would have sent her for a couple of mornings a week from about 2½ or so.

As for me - well I cope better now although I do have the odd wobble. I would love to be in a position for her just to go for her funded sessions and be with me the rest of the time. THat would put our family under some fairly difficult financial strain though and I am undecided as to what to do.

The biggest advantage to having a nursery place, from a purely selfish perspective of course, is that if I am ever ill or need a day off work to get something done, dd can still go to nursery and have fun whilst I am flaked out or doing boring bank stuff or whatever.

A bit rambly, but hope it helps a bit.

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 21/02/2008 11:34

alfie, that is one of my big problems, everyone says i think to much - shame i can't be productive with it

Will start to look around though, see whats out there. I looked at a day nursery last year and it totally put me off, all the little ones looked so lost - but that probably was just that place, the manager was WEIRD!

OP posts:

marina · 21/02/2008 11:35

Focus firmly on the fact that you both feel a little bit bored with life at the mo and use that to get past your anxiety at leaving her. Think about how much fun she will have with other children, because she will. Dd, like ds a daycare veteran as I had no choice about returning full-time when they were both babies, is still in close and affectionate contact with her little nursery gang, some of whom she has known since they were babes in arms.
The fact that you do not have to return to paid work for pressing financial reasons gives you the luxury of being able to size up daycare options and take a bit of time over finding one that you feel comfortable with.
Why not get her settled in daycare first and then job seek. You will feel less anxious about her if this is an option

motherinferior · 21/02/2008 11:38

Marina, I think I love you

Kewcumber · 21/02/2008 11:41

my DS is 2.3 and yes it is very hard at first - as you say he was fine but I was a wreck! It's surprising how you do get into the swing of it and I do love to see what my CM's children have taught him (currently its high fives and football!)

He does say "nooo" sometimes when I say we're going to CM which is hard for me but I know (from other parents) thats he isn't miserable within a few minutes of me leaving.

Like many others I don't actually have a choice so don't spend long worrying about it. If I felt he was unhappy then it would be really miserable and I would have to change to a different CM or nursery but he isn't which makes it much easier for me.

hercules1 · 21/02/2008 11:42

DD goes to a montessori nursery full time even though dh doesn't work. It costs a lot but she loves it and would be bored otherwise.She is a little older though at 4.

margoandjerry · 21/02/2008 11:43

With glee actually

Like motherinferior, I love my DD more than anything in the world but I am not good at doing full time child care. I'm a better mother to her because the childcare doesn't overwhelm me and I can read Diggers with joy in the evening 4 times in a row but I might be less joyful if I had already read it to her 72 times that day

Also, I think she learns more from being with other people than from just being with me. Plus I love my job and work (outside the home) is important to me and it is important to me that she knows that work is an important part of life.

Kewcumber · 21/02/2008 11:50

funnily enough DS whinges if I say he is going to CM but if I say "mummy has to go to work" he accepts it quite happily. I wonder if he thinks I swan off enjoying myself without him unless I specifically say I am going to work

TigerFeet · 21/02/2008 11:51

Marina you are so right about the nursery gang!

DD has two particular friends she has known since they were all 6-8 months old or so - they will go their separate ways to school in Sept and all the parents are really sad about it. They are a little gang, all have very similar names, one of the carers calls them his witches coven

We will all keep in touch once they are at school and so hopefully dd will have friends she will have known all her life. I moved around a lot as a child and never had that.

motherinferior · 21/02/2008 11:52

I do genuinely think that working makes me a generally slightly less inferior mother than I would be otherwise.

spokette · 21/02/2008 11:52

I had no problems putting my DTS into nursery when they were 7 months old. It saved my sanity. I work 3 days a week and they have benefitted enormously from their time at nursery. They are now 3yo and continue to thrive. The nursery is like a second home to them and they love it as well as adore their key workers.

motherinferior · 21/02/2008 11:54

And there are lots of different childcare options out there. You might choose a nursery, or a childminder, or a nanny-share. I know that having childcare (in my case a childminder) in which I had total trust made all the difference to me.

TigerFeet · 21/02/2008 11:55

lol Kewcumber, dd asks why I have to go to work so I say "I need to earn some pennies so we can go swimming at the weekend" and off she trots, quite happily, safe in the knowledge that me working means that money will be spent on her

FairyMum · 21/02/2008 11:58

I know DS2 is happy in his nursery and that I will see him once I return from work. Hopefully going out to work doesn't mean you won't see her at all. IMO its really important to feel happy and confident in the childcare you choose.

Kewcumber · 21/02/2008 11:59

MI - yes having a fab and very kind Cm who assured me that she would cuddle DS as much as he needed and he could sit on her lap all day if necessary was a great help. I managed not to ask if I could sit on her lap all day as I thought I was far more in need.

morningpaper · 21/02/2008 12:01

I find it really enjoyable - I actually don't think about dd's when I'm at work.

I couldn't look at a picture on a desk though - I don't know how some of my colleagues can do that!!!

Kewcumber · 21/02/2008 12:03

DS is my computer wallpaper! Though tbh you fail to notice after seeing it everyday for a year

TigerFeet · 21/02/2008 12:08

Does anyone else enjoy the pick-up times? I love it that dd comes running up to me, flings herself at me and gives me the biggest kiss and cuddle. She has a great time playing with her friends, eats well and gets cuddles all day from her carers but she is still delighted when I am there. Helps me remember that I am the most important person in her life, even though she gets lots of love from other people

Kewcumber · 21/02/2008 12:15

me too Tiger - I even bizarrely like it when DS gets a bit grumpy about going to Cm (whom he loves) - however much he likes her, he still prefers me!

BirdyArms · 21/02/2008 12:24

Like MP I find that I can compartmentalise - I don't think about them very much at work. I only find it difficult if one of them is poorly and sometimes I worry about how ds1 gets on with our nanny. Having said that i am about to give up work to be a SAHM but that's because I have a very full on job which I don't feel I'm doing properly rather than becuase I miss the dc.

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