Working mums; How do YOU cope with being away from your pre schoolers?

[lucyellensmum]

My DD is 2.5 and i am a SAHM, but lots of things are meaning that i think i should really go back to work, part time preferably. Money, the fact that i am actually a bit bored now and i really think DD would benifit from nursery school as she is bored too.

The thing is, i have just re opened some infor re childcare i was sent last year, and just burst into tears at the thought of leaving her. I KNOW she will be OK, its ME!! I just cannot bear the thought of saying good bye to her in the morning and not seeing her until the afternoon or even tea time. But i know lots of people do this, and i know their children are happy.

How do you cope? Help me get past this, its holding me back and putting a great financial strain on our family.

Oh, I think - and talk - about my children frequently at work. I have pics by and of them up on the wall - and that's when I'm not working from the Inferiority Complex. I don't feel I'm compartmentalising, I feel that I am doing the different bits of my life which all matter.

until i saw this question i had never considered it

i just do it!

i have been working fulltime since DS was 6 months old, and he is now 20 months

it is just what we all do as a family

i must admit, i have loads of pictures of him on my desk

i guess if there is one thing which helps me cope, now i think about it, is that he is very happy and settled in nursery, so i never have to worry on that score

DD started nursery at 10 months and for the first few weeks it was tough. She is now 2.4 and skips into nursery . I have phases where I hate it, for example when she's fallen over and hurt herself at nursery and I know she would have been crying for me. However, I think the secret is to find a nursery with staff you really trust. I absolutely love DDs nursery and have never had to question my trust in them. I am about to have DC2 and will probably have longer off work this time (possibly 18-24 months) but will send the next DC to the same nursery. I know DD loves it and I really think good childcare is great for children. I really noticed DD getting alot out of it from just before she turned 2 and onwards. She was fine before that but it was from there on that she could tell me about her day and name her little friends.

If you can afford it and have the time you could consider half sessions to start with which will ease your DD in gradually and give you time to job hunt. Be prepared for tears. DD went through a tearful stage when she moved units at about 18 months. Much more so than when she had started. It took about 3 weeks to settle down. The nursery were fab and just slowly introduced her to the new unit. I was really upset and asked the manager to leave her where she was but the manager persuaded me to stick it out and give her a few weeks. It was hard turning up and hearing how upset she had been but all I did was keep talking about nursery and the new unit in a really positive way.

Sorry - this has gone on much longer than expected!

it took me a while to realize that the best way to 'deal' with it is to decide to be focues on your work while at work and focues on your kids while with them, that way you don't spend any time guilt-tripping yourself and can be far more productive.

i actually feel i spend a lot of quality time with my girls even though i work full time.

and as much as it may seem lovely to be the only person caring for your child, my dds seem to really enjoy and benefit from a diverse range of influences ( not the same as 'raising' them which of course only dh and myself do).

finally - i do love my job very much, and feeling satisfied with my achievements at work gives me lots of energy to share with my girls.

I do love my job and have always worked in the pre-school years, but I couldn't honestly say I like the idea or the reality of leaving the children.

Having said that, I don't really like the tyranny of looking after them 24/7 either, so I just accept that life isn't perfect. DH did the drop offs for the first year, while I did the pick ups. That made it a lot easier.

In retrospect although it has been hard at times, I feel completely at ease with my decision to do it. The children have loved nursery and they don't seem to have been damaged by the experience.

In fact they have made very strong bonds with the nursery nurses and they are better for it than being with a stroppy, tense mother all the time!

i do it cos it keeps me sane! we need the money too, so i guess that helps. My DT's have been going since they were 5 months old, I was right on the edge of loosing my grip on reality when they started and on that first day as I left them I had never felt so free! I actually started to panic as we got close to home time and I was going to have to pick them up!

They are 3 now and its just part of life....they love weekends cos it means they get mummy and daddy for two whole days, but they also accept mummy and daddy have to work. I take mine into my office occasionally, and it helps them kinda picture where mummy spends her day.

Now they are older, i would like to go part time, but thats not an option financially, plus it'll not be long before they at school anyway!

Ds(4) has always loved nursery and told me that he would like to go more often !!!
I never did get upset about ds going to nursery. I think it speaks volumes that the thought of it upsets you. Maybe you are just not ready yet.
Do you think dd would like to be with a cm or nursery ? Does she enjoy playgroup ?
Maybe if you thought she was enjoying it, it would make it easier for yuo ?

I rather enjoy getting away from my preschoolers. Even when they were babies I found it very pleasant leaving them to go into a job I enjoy doing with colleagues who are friends. And I do love the pick-up too, the pleasure of seeing your child after a few hours away and being able to positively enjoy the evening with them because you've had a break from the toddler world.

But it makes all the difference if you are confident your child is happy in their childcare situation - we did briefly use a mediocre nursery and I wasn't happy with that. And I think we've been lucky that all 3 of my children seem to enjoy childcare and we haven't had any real problems settling them.

Try to think of it like this (which only really fully helps if you have a job you like)-
My DS started nursery at 6 months, not my choice, finances ruled. But he loved it. Hes an only child and benefited so much from the company and is I'm sure much more confident than he would have been - as a totally shy child on starting school whose mother never left her with anyone but gran this seems a massive bonus to me. On rainy days when otherwise I would have been forced to mix housework and amusing him hes had people totally there to amuse him, lots of friends,messy things I might never do at home often, etc. I love the adult company and the stimulation of work although its hell getting up at 6.30 to be at nursery at 8. When he gets older and begins to need me around less, has his own definate peer group and interests I will still have mine. I can spend money without feeling too guilty cos I earn it, I know I shouldn't feel this way as housewives work hardest of all, but who gets credit for it really? Some mums I've met without working for a long time find their life totally taken over by their children, and their conversation shows it. We really make special days on the days I don't work, the beach in summer, etc, lots of country walks and ice-creams and we look forward to it all week. Its my time just with him. But I trust the nursery and I know I couldn't be a good mum 7 days a week every hour of the day - I'd go mad. Husband and I have more to talk about and he values what I do - again men should value us whatever we choose to do but it is easier to share conversations on getting home this way. He doesn't take me for granted. But you will still find it very hard at first, so will they but thats normal, only in this last generation have we seen it as desirable to spend all day with our children, our mums might have done but they spent loads of time doing housework, shopping, etc, and used relatives as childcare. Nursery is also great for helping their development, sharing, eating at table, toileting, etc.

My 2 DDs ADORE their childminder, and she loves them. So I know it is just like an extension of home for them - except that she does more messy play with them than i can bear!! I think the key is that the kids are happy and you trust the person/people looking after them. I don;t think i could do it if I didn't have that. So, if you go to a nursery and don't get a warm glow, then try somewhere else... have to say childminder has worked perfectly for me as I wanted them to be in an enviro as close to home as pos

DS is 18 months and he goes to a cm 2 days a week so that I can work (went back at 11 months). I have a choice, I don't have to work financially as we can just about manage on DH's salary.

I work because I'm good at what I do, because I enjoy the challenge and communicating with other adults. It gives me a sense of achievement in a different way.

I didn't enjoy leaving DS to start with, he cried and I felt guilty, especially as I didn't 'have' to work. But now he is happy and settled with the cm, and I am feeling the benefits of having grown-up time. I really appreciate the time I spend with him now. It is wonderful to pick him up at the end of the day and talk to his cm about all the things they've been doing.

Good luck with what you decide