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Original poster

Colleague's house party

40 replies

plantcastle · 20/05/2023 14:30

Name changed for this in case it’s outing.

I work in an office with a small team of about 12 people. There generally is a friendly rapport and sometimes a bit of a laugh. They are genuinely nice people and I enjoy going to the occasional post-work social event, however I am of the opinion that there is a boundary between colleagues and friends/ what is work life and what is (intruding into) personal life.

It has become clear that one of them uses work/colleagues as the entirety of her social life. She’s become a bit of a pest with intrusive questions, constant requests to go for drinks after work, and is also in general very very loud and a lot to take all day.

She has now arranged an office house party, in her house, on a weekend evening (we work weekdays) next week. Attendance has been assumed rather than requested. She’s as excited as a child and has bought special things for it. I believe her life has been difficult over the last few years, I feel sorry for her, and there is no harm in her but I don’t want forced to give up my personal time for a work social event and I think it being in her house is really inappropriate. I think most of the others are going. I’m planning to lie and say I’m away, but I resent having to account for/lie about my personal time like this, and I’m worried that saying no will make an atmosphere.

Has anyone been in these circumstances before and how best to handle it?

OP posts:

RabbitRabbitRabbitHouse · 20/05/2023 14:34

Just say you can't go and leave her to it! If she wants to throw a party and invite her colleagues I don't see the issue ?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/05/2023 14:35

She runs her social/work life balance one way, you run yours a different way. I don't think either is wrong.

Don't lie. You can simply say, "No thanks".

WhatWouldHopperDo · 20/05/2023 14:35

It’s fine for you to set that boundary but there’s nothing wrong with it for anyone who is happy to socialise in this way.

You don’t need to outright lie. Just say you have other plans. If she pushes be vague and say family stuff.

Its only a problem if she then won’t let it go or if she’s off with you.

Lamelie · 20/05/2023 14:36

She’s doing absolutely wrong, you’re free to decline.

AnxiousShep · 20/05/2023 14:40

I can’t see how it is inappropriate or why you can’t just politely decline?

Doingmybest12 · 20/05/2023 14:44

This makes me feel sad. Good for you if you have different groups of friends and don't need work friendships. Just let her do her thing without judging.

VisionsOfSplendour · 20/05/2023 14:45

Why can't she be friends with and invite colleagues to a party? I think you may be the outlier here, no one is expected to be able to attend every social event, make a polite excuse. The others enjoy the party, you enjoy whatever you are doing and all's good

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/05/2023 14:46

Hi OP I think you just choose not to do things the same way. I think saying you are away is a good way of not attending without hurting her feelings. I don't think people start a job to look for friends but 2 of my best friends now of 20yrs standing are both from my first job after Uni and I pick up others along the way. If you don't pick up friends from school and work where are you going to get them from?

Babymamamama · 20/05/2023 14:48

Oh I never get involved in that kind of thing. You’re under no obligation. Just tell her you hope everyone has a lovely time but you can’t make it. Don’t spin a convoluted story. Less is more. You can’t go and that’s it.

Bunnichick · 20/05/2023 14:50

Just say no thank you and repeat any time she invited you to something you don't want to go to.

AMuser · 20/05/2023 14:50

It’s really straightforward. Don’t go. Just decline don’t lie.

I get your point but having colleagues in your home is hardly “inappropriate” 😂. It’s not schoolkids in a teacher’s house.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/05/2023 14:51

If all the rest of the colleagues are happy to go, maybe you are the unusual one! Just done go if you don’t want to, though. It’s not in any way inappropriate though, to go a colleagues house for the evening!

TheMoops · 20/05/2023 14:54

It's not inappropriate. She's allowed to be friends with her colleagues.

Just decline if it's not for you.

Mythril · 20/05/2023 14:55

There is nothing wrong with her arranging something, and there is nothing wrong with you declining it.

Lots of people make friends at work, it isn't weird. I've been out at the weekend with colleagues, slept over at their houses. I've become housemates with colleagues. I've know colleagues who went on holiday together. I had a job where we were all required to live on site so knew all my colleagues personal lives pretty thoroughly there! Nothing like hearing your manager and his wife conceive their first child, ugh. Perhaps that was a step to far 😅

BendingSpoons · 20/05/2023 14:58

It's not inappropriate and many people would be happy not to go. It is fine you don't want to and she is BU if she tries to make you feel bad about it. She should accept a breezy 'I can't make it but I'm sure you'll all have a great time!' I'm guessing you think she will press for details of why you can't come.

DinaofCloud9 · 20/05/2023 14:59

Why is it inappropriate to have a house party for colleagues? Some of my good friends are people I met at work. I don't get why we need a boundary.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/05/2023 15:00

There is nothing wrong with holding a house party for colleagues. Some of my best friends were colleagues and we had many a great house party. My DD and her colleagues hold house parties all the time.

Connect3 · 20/05/2023 15:05

I don't think it's inappropriate to have colleagues in your home if that's what you want. It's not something I'd do and I probably wouldn't go, but if others enjoy socialising with colleagues that 's up to them.

I've worked Iin environments where everyone socialises together at weekends, even go on holiday together, I've worked where people enjoy after work drinks and a couple of official parties a year and I've worked where people avoid any contact outside work hours.

My favourite is the middle one, others will feel differently, none of them are "wrong", it's all about fit. I didn't stay at the very social place very long!

You don't need to lie. You just say you won't be there. That's your issue, not theirs.

1offnamechange · 20/05/2023 15:12

You've just got different views about the overlap between work and socialising, which is fine, but of the two you are the one being judgemental.

It's really not unusual to become close friends with colleagues, including inviting them to your house. If you want to maintain a distance that's fine but shes not doing anything wrong or at all weird-if anything you are the one being weird for judging her and it sounds like your the outlier if most of your colleagues are happy to attend.

Just say "sorry I'm always really busy on the weekends" "I've already got plans/something else on but have a great time!" etc. No need to lie and say you're away or "account for your time" - you are doing something else, even if your "other plans" are watching tv all day!

SpinningCloudNiteClub · 20/05/2023 15:14

Well, you’re a judgemental one, aren’t you..

Stripedbag101 · 20/05/2023 15:16

You have boundaries - that is fine. But it quite normal for people to invite colleagues to parties at their homes.

many years ago my director had an annual BBQ at his home for all staff. Very generous and not at all inappropriate.

over the last twenty years I have been to parties at about 6 colleagues homes, I have also attended personal events such as weddings, hen nights, funerals etc.

I have visited people who have been off ill (only when invited!), I have dropped off baby presents etc. a couple of colleagues have slept at my house after nights out (when we were all younger).

you don’t have to go - but it’s not inappropriate. It’s actually quite normal.

LimeCheesecake · 20/05/2023 15:19

Oh dear OP - you are coming across as the sort of person who believes there are two ways to handle every situation- your way and the wrong way.

you believe in keeping clear boundaries between work and home/friendship - your colleagues don’t feel the same. It’s not inappropriate to invite 11 colleagues to your home. It’s not inappropriate to be friends with colleagues outside of work, and indeed to remain friends with colleagues once you change jobs etc.

But your way of keeping clear separation works for you, and that’s fine for you. But try to remember there’s more than one way to approach friendship building and ruling out colleagues isn’t for everyone.

Ladybug14 · 20/05/2023 15:29

How best to handle what?

The house party? Say you can't attend

The colleague only having a work friendship group? Not your business

The work colleague asking personal questions? Be circumspect in your answers or ignore and ask her something instead

The work colleague being loud? Wear earpods

HTH

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 20/05/2023 15:41

Most of your post is quite judgey and I don't think you come across well!

You are grown adult, so why would you need to lie?

BirbFriend · 20/05/2023 15:42

I don't really see the problem.

I'm not a fan of mixing work/social life, so I don't tend to go to unofficial work socials, but it doesn't bother me if other people do. I just say no thank you.

Maybe she doesn't have many friends/family. Maybe other people at work also don't, they might like the opportunity to socialise. As long as it's not compulsory you just don't go.

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