Colleague's house party

[plantcastle]

Name changed for this in case it’s outing.

I work in an office with a small team of about 12 people. There generally is a friendly rapport and sometimes a bit of a laugh. They are genuinely nice people and I enjoy going to the occasional post-work social event, however I am of the opinion that there is a boundary between colleagues and friends/ what is work life and what is (intruding into) personal life.

It has become clear that one of them uses work/colleagues as the entirety of her social life. She’s become a bit of a pest with intrusive questions, constant requests to go for drinks after work, and is also in general very very loud and a lot to take all day.

She has now arranged an office house party, in her house, on a weekend evening (we work weekdays) next week. Attendance has been assumed rather than requested. She’s as excited as a child and has bought special things for it. I believe her life has been difficult over the last few years, I feel sorry for her, and there is no harm in her but I don’t want forced to give up my personal time for a work social event and I think it being in her house is really inappropriate. I think most of the others are going. I’m planning to lie and say I’m away, but I resent having to account for/lie about my personal time like this, and I’m worried that saying no will make an atmosphere.

Has anyone been in these circumstances before and how best to handle it?

When I was in my 20s this was entirely normal.

Most of the friends I have made in recent years have been work colleagues. I have held parties and been invited to parties by colleague friends. I don't understand your issue, just politely decline, no need to make a meal of it!!

You come across as quite patronising, referring to her " She’s as excited as a child and has bought special things for it". Your whole post is quite sneery to be honest.

Some of my closest friends I met through work. How sad must I be in your eyes.

why are you lying just say no thanks not for me

I too can't see she's done nothing wrong. Just because it's not your thing, no need to be so sneery

There's nothing inapropriate about it. My best friend of 40 years is someone who I met at work. She was even my birth partner when I had my 2nd child

You are well within your rights to decline. Just say no and don’t attend. However, I get the feeling that out of the twelve colleagues there’s probably one (or two) that they hope don’t turn up - they’ll ruin the vibe - and I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that is you.

I don’t want forced to give up my personal time for a work social event

You aren't being.

and I think it being in her house is really inappropriate.

It's really not. That's the normal place people have parties. You are unusual in choosing to host all yours in a yurt.

I think most of the others are going.

Presumably because they want to because this person is friendly, genuine and nice. Please feel free to ask if you want clarification on any of those words.

I’m planning to lie and say I’m away,

That's weird.

but I resent having to account for/lie about my personal time like this

You don't have to do that. You are making a bizarre choice in doing so. Don't be resentful at this poor woman because you lack the social skills to say no politely.

I’m worried that saying no will make an atmosphere.

I suspect you are correct but only because your dislike for this woman seems irrational and disproportionate so you will perhaps struggle to hide your feelings.

Has anyone been in these circumstances before and how best to handle it?

Yes, more or less everyone in the entire country will have been in a comparably banal scenario before. They handled it by not going because they didn't fancy it (and saying that to the host) or by going and having fun.

This.
Just say you have plans already. That's what the rest of us do when we don't fancy a work social. It's not even a lie...we do have plans, plans to not go to the event.

As for your colleague...she can have a party with people from work if she likes. Don't know why you're so sour about it. I think you don't like her.

You don't "have to lie"- you are choosing to lie. Just say you can't attend.

It's perfectly normal for people to have friends through work and invite them into their houses. It's also perfectly normal to not get involved if you don't want to, without casting some sort of judgement on them like you are morally superior.

Weird post.

I agree OP, for some of us it is better to have a clear boundary between work life and outside work that includes socialising,social media and the hell that is a group chat.

Just say you've got a lot on at the weekend and / or are too exhausted for going out.
She will probably appreciate your honesty in letting her know you can't make it.

I agree with most. I don't see anything inappropriate about it.

Equally, I don't see any problem with you saying 'no thanks' . No reason to lie.

To be honest OP you sound a bit patronising towards your colleague.

Just say 'no thanks'. You're the one making the issue out of this. I'd put money on you being unhappy if you weren't invited at all.

You say 'sorry I can't come, hope you have fun' and the colleagues who are attending all think 'thank fuck for that'

Honestly OP you sound really sneery and like a total fun sponge.