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Original poster

So gutted about interview feedback - WWYD?

52 replies

NightandViolets · 20/05/2023 12:47

I’m on maternity leave atm but have been looking at alternatives to going back as my job is really pressurised and a long commute and I just don’t know how I can make it work with two kids.

Im in a small town so there aren’t many really local jobs, but a role in my field came up at a place just down the road that’s been on my radar for years. It was slightly more junior but ticked so many boxes and I’d just convinced myself it was perfect.

I worked really hard on the application, got through one round of interviews and then spent ages doing a written task ahead of round two. I felt the second round went really well so I was so gutted when I found out they’d gone for the other candidate.

I asked for feedback and they said it was v close and I did well but the main thing was they didn’t feel I was very confident, especially when I’m more senior to the role they were recruiting for. TBH this has knocked my confidence a lot more! I’ve been on mat leave nearly a year and not had an interview for years, but I thought I’d got the better of nerves and sold myself well. It’s actually made me feel really upset and worried about going back to my current job, where there are high expectations of me. Have you been through similar before, and what advice would you give? And am I right in thinking it was quite shitty feedback to give when they knew my situation?

OP posts:
swanling · 20/05/2023 12:54

They don't know you.

They could have just been scraping for something bland to say. You have no idea what the real reasoning was.

They don't necessarily have competence to be making those judgements anyway.

Don't let one comment direct how you view yourself.

Read this thread and put it back in perspective - being an interviewer doesn't mean someone is credible or competent: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/work/4807967-what-is-the-strangest-feedback-youve-had-from-an-interview?

What is the strangest feedback you've had from an interview? | Mumsnet

Hi All, This one has got me interested today. I had a job interview last week, set up via a recruitment agent, at a big posh relatively newly buil...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/work/4807967-what-is-the-strangest-feedback-youve-had-from-an-interview

Ariela · 20/05/2023 13:07

I suspect there wasn't much to choose between the two however the underlying reason was they were worried you'd pop out another and be back on ML before long, but of course they had to offer a 'real' reason.

Original poster
NightandViolets · 20/05/2023 13:10

Definitely not planning another. I did ask about compressed hours though and they seemed a bit put off. Obviously they wouldn’t feed that back though!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 20/05/2023 13:10

Probably because you have just had a baby the first few years are full of absences due to child sickness so they went with the other one (who I'm assuming doesn't have a young baby)

It's bland feedback because they can't say that

Aprilx · 20/05/2023 13:12

You asked for feedback and you got it, so no I don’t think it was shitty of them!

If you don’t want feedback then don’t ask and I am not saying that facetiously. More likely than not you will get something bland about “better fit” or whatever, nothing that is going to ever help you. Or you will get some truthful feedback as you did here and obviously feedback on why you didn’t get a job might be hard to hear. So yes, if you don’t think you are up to any negative feedback, don’t ask!

And by the way, your feedback wasn’t that bad anyway.

Original poster
NightandViolets · 20/05/2023 13:12

I hadn’t thought of that. They’re a kids charity so you’d hope they’d be understanding, but I don’t think there were many people there who had kids/young kids. Means I can’t win though!

OP posts:
Connect3 · 20/05/2023 13:13

Being asked for feedback is horrible as a recruiter because there's rarely anything the interviewee could have done differently, it's all about them/their experience and how they'll fit into the business, which is all a bit personal.

And sometimes it is for a reason you can't say, like they've just had a baby and in a close contest the other candidate comes with less risk.

Original poster
NightandViolets · 20/05/2023 13:14

I can take bad feedback and have had worse. Just think if I were on the other side as an interviewer I’d frame it in a nicer way if I thought someone lacked confidence, so they didn’t feel even worse.

OP posts:
SuperSange · 20/05/2023 13:16

So you asked, they've answered, and you're not happy? What do you expect them to do?

Babyroobs · 20/05/2023 13:16

It is upsetting. I had an interview last year ( NHS ) for a job I was overqualified for but had loads of relevant experience. They offered it to someone else, never even let me know that I hadn't been successful and I only discovered I clearly hadn't been successful when I saw it re-advertised on the NHS jobs site. I was really cross being treated like that after working in the NHS for 30 years. When I asked the recruiting person why they had not even let me know she bullshitted something along the lines of me seeming overconfident and thought I would overstep what they wanted. I was so upset, but moved on quickly and found a role which was a much better fit. I strongly believe that if employers can't have anything nice to say then they are not worth working for and you've had a lucky escape. It does sound like they said some positive things to you though and that it was close so I would take that as a positive and keep trying as something that is a good fit will come along. but please don't lose confidence and don't take it too personally. Interviews are nerve wracking and you perhaps showed you were nervous.

Babyroobs · 20/05/2023 13:20

Theunamedcat · 20/05/2023 13:10

Probably because you have just had a baby the first few years are full of absences due to child sickness so they went with the other one (who I'm assuming doesn't have a young baby)

It's bland feedback because they can't say that

Yes this too. They likely know you'd probably be off for another years mat leave in a couple of years time as most people have a 2/3 year gap. It shouldn't matter but unfortunately does in reality and there's not really any way that it can be challenged as employers will just find a different excuse as to why they didn't give you the post.

FinallyHere · 20/05/2023 13:20

And am I right in thinking it was quite shitty feedback to give when they knew my situation?

Feedback is a gift, which usually says more about the person giving it than the person receiving it.

What would you say to a junior colleague who came to you with this tale. Say that to yourself.

The message in the feedback has earned no space in your head nor any influence on your actions.

You have got this, an even better role for which you are even better suited is out there. Go and grab it with both hands. All the best.

fellrunner85 · 20/05/2023 13:22

In the nicest possible way, their feedback was probably right.

If you're so bothered by the very slightly negative feedback that you think it was "shitty"; then no, you don't sound very confident.
So take it as a positive. You're not very confident, and now you know that comes across in interview, so you can work on that. Allowing yourself to be really hurt by it, and thinking they're at fault for being honest, isn't very helpful.

Yes, there will have been other factors at play. Perhaps another candidate was simply a better fit, for example. But as someone who interviews people a lot, I know there's usually some truth in interview feedback. You don't just grasp words from the air. And in this case, going from your reaction, they were probably spot on?

BillyNoM8s · 20/05/2023 13:26

NightandViolets · 20/05/2023 13:14

I can take bad feedback and have had worse. Just think if I were on the other side as an interviewer I’d frame it in a nicer way if I thought someone lacked confidence, so they didn’t feel even worse.

It's not their job to make you feel better about yourself though? Based on the way you've responded to their feedback, maybe they're right and you need to work on your resilience.

GP75 · 20/05/2023 13:28

Honestly I've worked in recruitment for years and this is nothing you should let worry you, you probably were a bit wobbly. I had 3 interviews where I was honest about my situation and my 2 kids as I was coming off maternity leave and didn't get any of the jobs. In my 4th interview I didn't mention my kids or personal life/maternity leave at all, I only spoke about work and got the job 🤷‍♀️

Horsetoday · 20/05/2023 13:29

So hard to give useful feedback to candidates that they won't find upsetting and won't land you in a tribunal. So they'll steer as far away as possible from your maternity situation and they'll mention something subjective that no one can argue with. Confidence in interviews is gained through practice - you'll be fine.

BarleySugars · 20/05/2023 13:31

Just imagine what Trump would think to this. Would it stop him? Despite many obvious failings? Hellno.

That's what i do now and it's served me well.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2023 13:38

And am I right in thinking it was quite shitty feedback to give when they knew my situation?

What is it about your ‘situation’ that you think they should have been more mindful of? That you’re on maternity leave? Because, kindly meant, you cannot use that as a reason to not be as confident as possible in an interview.

I think you’re disappointed about not getting the job (totally understandable) and worried about your commute & role with 2 DC now - that’s not anything to do with the interview feedback though so try to address whatever your specific worries are about the job you’re going back to.

What exactly are the pressure points in your existing role that concern you?

CovertImage · 20/05/2023 13:39

Aprilx · 20/05/2023 13:12

You asked for feedback and you got it, so no I don’t think it was shitty of them!

If you don’t want feedback then don’t ask and I am not saying that facetiously. More likely than not you will get something bland about “better fit” or whatever, nothing that is going to ever help you. Or you will get some truthful feedback as you did here and obviously feedback on why you didn’t get a job might be hard to hear. So yes, if you don’t think you are up to any negative feedback, don’t ask!

And by the way, your feedback wasn’t that bad anyway.

I agree with this. There's no obligation to give feedback so it's good that you had it

tailinthejam · 20/05/2023 13:42

They clearly liked you because they wouldn't have taken the time to give any feedback if you were turned down flat. Maybe ask them to keep your cv on file. I did that once, and about 6 months later they contacted me and offered me the job. The person they had given the job to turned out not to be right and had left.

Badbudgeter · 20/05/2023 13:44

Theunamedcat · 20/05/2023 13:10

Probably because you have just had a baby the first few years are full of absences due to child sickness so they went with the other one (who I'm assuming doesn't have a young baby)

It's bland feedback because they can't say that

This tbh

blackpearwhitelilies · 20/05/2023 13:45

It’s very personal, of course, but I don’t think your feedback is mean. I read it as them saying you have lots to be proud of so don’t be modest and sell yourself short.

Parisj · 20/05/2023 13:47

Feedback stings, but taking it in allows personal growth. Maybe you should be even more confident of your obvious skills and abilities - you've got the package but you need to work on your sales technique. Use it.

Ladybug14 · 20/05/2023 13:50

fellrunner85 · 20/05/2023 13:22

In the nicest possible way, their feedback was probably right.

If you're so bothered by the very slightly negative feedback that you think it was "shitty"; then no, you don't sound very confident.
So take it as a positive. You're not very confident, and now you know that comes across in interview, so you can work on that. Allowing yourself to be really hurt by it, and thinking they're at fault for being honest, isn't very helpful.

Yes, there will have been other factors at play. Perhaps another candidate was simply a better fit, for example. But as someone who interviews people a lot, I know there's usually some truth in interview feedback. You don't just grasp words from the air. And in this case, going from your reaction, they were probably spot on?

This. Very thoughtful post. 👏

MuddaUdders · 20/05/2023 13:53

Take it with a pinch of salt. They felt they had to cite a reason, if they didn't give a reason you may have similarly felt a bit taken aback by not knowing why. Besides, you did a brilliant job of getting through to the latter stages! That's awesome. It's good interviewing experience for you too. They don't know that you have clung onto this throwaway remark they have made and that it has affected you this way. Don't let it annoy you. Chin up, onwards and upwards, keep up the good work with the search, you will get there! Best of luck!

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