So gutted about interview feedback - WWYD?

[NightandViolets]

I’m on maternity leave atm but have been looking at alternatives to going back as my job is really pressurised and a long commute and I just don’t know how I can make it work with two kids.

Im in a small town so there aren’t many really local jobs, but a role in my field came up at a place just down the road that’s been on my radar for years. It was slightly more junior but ticked so many boxes and I’d just convinced myself it was perfect.

I worked really hard on the application, got through one round of interviews and then spent ages doing a written task ahead of round two. I felt the second round went really well so I was so gutted when I found out they’d gone for the other candidate.

I asked for feedback and they said it was v close and I did well but the main thing was they didn’t feel I was very confident, especially when I’m more senior to the role they were recruiting for. TBH this has knocked my confidence a lot more! I’ve been on mat leave nearly a year and not had an interview for years, but I thought I’d got the better of nerves and sold myself well. It’s actually made me feel really upset and worried about going back to my current job, where there are high expectations of me. Have you been through similar before, and what advice would you give? And am I right in thinking it was quite shitty feedback to give when they knew my situation?

Nicer how? How do you say that somebody was very close but didn’t seem very confident in a nicer way than that? It seems like a perfectly nice way to give feedback, feedback that was requested and was always going to have some negative angle to it because it was about why you didn’t get a job.

They probably just fobbed you off with any old feedback to kill the call/email. They might simply have preferred the other candidate for some random reason… or been intending to give them the job all along because they are their sister’s tennis partner.

Don’t take it to heart!

It’s actually 50:50. It could be that you came across a bit less confident but it could be that they preferred a person without young kids. It could be that they’re worried that you were overqualified so would leave them at the first opportunity whereas they wanted some stability, because they sort of mentioned it , in a different way of course, but your previous position definitely was on their mind.

Na, they made it up, they gave it to someone without a young child.

Next time don't mention mat leave/children/compressed hours until you have the job offer. They aren't allowed to ask these questions.

Mat leave is continuous employment so there's no need to tell anyone.

Honestly when it comes to second interview stage and only a couple of candidates, it's usually such a close run thing that it has to come down to something small like this. I don't think it's shitty feedback at all and I think it's very defeatist to say it's nothing you can work on. You didn't come across as very confident, then it's a matter of presentation and working on that for future opportunities.

But this is mumsnet so any female rejected for a role, it was clearly sexism and because they're worried about you going on mat leave

In my experience recruiters don’t like employing people who are over qualified because they think the person will only be using the job as a stop gap. It really could be that simple. I got a degree after years of working mostly as a retail assistant. It seemed to make me unemployable because after that I couldn’t go back to my previous work (I tried, believe me) and I couldn’t get a better job because I had no experience! In the end I started my own business.

This is so true. When I was re-entering the workforce I dropped off all my old experience and qualifications and just kept the last 5 years (including self employment) - when I did that I got a job quickly.

How should they have framed it?

The only one of those things the OP said she mentioned was the compressed hours. I agree with you though, that this could have been off putting and would have been better to leave until there is an offer in the table and negotiations start.

I completely agree with this, sorry Op.

Good luck in your job search though - usually these things work out for the best regardless.

Honestly I take most interview feedback at 2nd stage with a pinch of salt.

You wouldn't have been invited to final stage if you hadn't been capable of doing the job.

It's usually just shorthand for 'we liked someone else more ' and they find something to justify that decision which may or may not be objectively true.

I'd never do this before you get to offer stage, if you want to maximise your chances.

Yeah, this.

The time I had a similar experience it was all unspoken - till an SAR and the panel chair's notes said the quiet bit out loud. All you can do is try not to take it personally, and look for somewhere you and your family are valued.

Totally agree!!

As an interviewer it's rare that I can actually say "this is why you didn't get the job, this is what you need to work on". Once somebody gets to interview stage, it's often down to personality and just not being quite as good as the other candidates, which are both very qualitative.

Probably just soften it a little - say you’ve obviously got a lot of experience so we’d have liked to have seen you coming across as more confident in your ability.

I mean, either they're right and you don't always come across confident in interviews (which is possible, and maybe you could work on some body language?) - or they're not and it's an excuse, in which does it really matter how they worded it? 🤷‍♀️

It just sounds like they weren't the right fit for you.

And they did say something more or less like that. The more you post the more it sounds like they were spot on with their feedback. You sound very frail if the difference between what they said and what you think they should have said has had such a profound impact on you.

You asked for this feedback for a reason, you need to take it on a constructive fashion or, as I have already mentioned, stop asking for feedback.

Truthfully I don’t think feedback is really that helpful unless say you were just out of school. I have done a lot of interviewing in my time and I don’t want to get into post interview analysis and discussion with a candidate I have decided not to hire, so I would be bland “the other candidate had more relevant experience” something like that.

I think that's true, over-quailified can also be difficult to manage and can cause problems with team dynamics but recruiters will avoid giving you this as feedback as it can easily be turned around to suggest age discrimination. So they again look for something else to tell you - to keep them away from tribunals.

The positive is that they weren't saying you're not knowledgeable enough, or that you're terrible but that your confidence seems to have affected your interview. Most places recruit by scoring the interview, it's useful as you know next time to be confident in your answers. I'm sure you know your stuff but if it's not coming across in interview they won't know that.

I don't get why that was shitty feedback. I do a fair bit of recruiting and try to give constructive, useful feedback. If I thought somebody didn't come across as confident, I would tell them (in a gentle way, while also telling them where they had done well). Otherwise how can they improve their performance the next time? You thought you had come across as confident but you didn't to them - that's useful information.

Honestly, I wonder whether this is more to do with your return from mat leave and your worries about going back to your old job - completely understandable, we all feel wobbly at times like this.

I wouldn't ask about compressed hours unless they have already offered it you (then they want you) or informally before you even apply.

It sets off the 'she won't manage the contracted hours/ will always be off' alarm bells, even if it shouldn't.

Erm. I kind of think the intensity of your response to this feedback shows that the feedback was dead on, tbh. It's really very mild feedback. And to expect to be coddled from it because of your personal circumstances is not really realistic. Plus of course being confident, and indeed presenting as confident whether you are or not, are things that can be worked on.

Maybe you’re right, but the job was advertised as flexible and I wanted to get a sense of what that meant as it’s so variable. Plus I felt that it was better to be up front about what I was ideally looking for instead of them offering me the job and then being annoyed I hadn’t asked earlier - second interview felt like the right time as if they were keen they could think about how to work it into an offer. I know there are different schools of thought on this though.

Hopefully something better will come along op. Had something very similar happen years ago and I got the next job I sent for which was better in so many ways, salary, team, career. I think in my situation they were correct and the first team would have been a very poor fit and I would have been miserable.

They could have been truthful or making something up because someone was ring fenced anyway. If you think you aren't as confident you might be able to find tools to work on that.

I was asked my opinion on two interviewees by the hiring manager who said it was very close in interview. I felt really bad in saying that one was very confident and the other seemed quite anxious. We had established members of the team who could be awful and I felt that the first would be able to stand up to that and the second might be damaged by it. Horrible and and I may have been that person when younger. Before anyone says that we shouldn't have had awful people like that working there I know but I was in no position to do anything and others had made serious complaints and they were brushed under the carpet.

Everyone saying it’s not bad feedback and that it shows I’m not confident are probably right. I’ve just found it really hard to put myself out there again after having baby 2 and being ill recently too and I was so hopeful about this job. I think my confidence has taken a big knock while I’ve been off, as usually I’m seen as very confident, proactive and supportive in my current job. So I think it hit a nerve and had made me question whether I’ll find something else, especially as I’ve had no luck with applying for so many other jobs. I know they weren’t to know and even if they did it shouldn’t mean they owe me anything. I just worked really really hard and I’m gutted it didn’t work out.