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Original poster

New job embarrassment following cancer

38 replies

jellybeanJ · 05/04/2023 18:14

Hi all, last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I recovered fully and started a new job this year. My manager knows my health history, I’ve known her for a while now. I also now work with someone who I know from years ago, her sister died a couple of years ago. I think this was from breast cancer as I remember a Facebook post. She was my age. I’ve noticed this person seems uncomfortable around me, and I think this is most likely to be because I remind her of this tragic event in her life.

I had a night out with my new team last week. During the evening, I asked my manager if she knew of the situation with this person’s sister. I explained that I wanted to be sensitive and didn’t want to to upset her. That I was aware I was potentially a trigger for her. My manager said she didn’t know and also that she felt uncomfortable talking about this. I apologised several times and explained that I was just trying to protect this persons feelings as best I could. We didn’t talk about it any further.

I’ve come away feeling awful. So guilty for mentioning it and like I have really embarrassed myself. Also though I’m a tiny bit annoyed as all of this is so raw, my intentions were good and I’ve been made to feel like a real baddy. My manager, knowing Ive so recently come through this, could perhaps have tried to be a bit more understanding of where I’d come from? Any thoughts? I don’t really know what to do now. I feel I shouldn’t bring it up again, but I also feel like I just want to quit now.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 05/04/2023 18:19

I don't think as a manager that you get to choose what the people you manage do and don't talk to you about (within the bounds of what's appropriate in a work context). I'm sorry for what you've been through and how you've come away from the interaction feeling but I think it sounds like you were trying to do the right thing and your manager handled it badly.

LIZS · 05/04/2023 18:24

Surely it would be professionally inappropriate for your manager to discuss the other employee with you even if they do know. They cannot break such a confidence either way.

Notanothernewname · 05/04/2023 18:24

You shouldn't be talking about someone else's personal life, your manager probably wasn't comfortable with you talking about it because it is unprofessional. Regardless of your situation and your intentions.

HatchedInALaboratory · 05/04/2023 18:27

You put your manager in a bit of a difficult situation. If your colleague had spoken to her about her sister, she couldn’t very well discuss it with you. It’s done now though, there’s not much you can do other than learn from it.

Buggysleeper · 05/04/2023 18:27

Your manager handled that badly, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about. You were being really empathetic, and your manager absolutely wasn’t. I think maybe she just didn’t know what to say, so said the wrong thing. Not your fault at all.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 05/04/2023 18:28

Your manager handled this correctly. They are not able to give you information about your colleagues health (and that includes the effect on them of their sisters cancer). You were asking them to gossip/give you personal info, and that is not OK, regardless of your reason for wanting to know.

You feel a bit embarrassed by her response, but don't seem to recognise you were overstepping.

Drop it.

Tellmethespoiler · 05/04/2023 18:35

Yes, I think there are a couple of problems here. One, you’re projecting and making assumptions about your colleague and her feelings. Two, while you can talk about how it is affecting you, your manager can’t discuss your colleague. However, a cancer diagnosis will no doubt affect you deeply and make you hyper aware and anxious in some situations. Your manager should be aware of that and keep an eye out for your welfare too.

grayhairdontcare · 05/04/2023 18:39

It was a night out and not a work meeting.
You should not of discussed this when you did.
Your manager handled this correctly

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 05/04/2023 18:41

A night out wasn't the place for this discussion, if it needed to be had at all.

Tromso · 05/04/2023 18:43

I'm sorry you have had to go through cancer but very pleased you're recovered.

As other posters have said, although I'm sure you didn't mean to you've definitely overstepped here. Your manager did handle it as best they could.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 05/04/2023 18:47

Thank you. Yes I do realise the situation and regret asking. I was asking though with the best of intentions and feel a slightly more understanding approach might have been better - even if it was I don’t know but understand how you feel. To be clear, my manager is not her manager. I was asking her more as a friend, I suppose.

How do I feel less awful about this? I feel dreadful right now.

OP posts:
grayhairdontcare · 05/04/2023 18:49

Honestly op just put a line under it and move on.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 05/04/2023 18:50

Sorry, but I've been in your manager's shoes and she did the correct thing. Not really any other way she could handle the situation.

But don't dwell on it! You made a small mistake, you apologized...no need to even think about it anymore. Not a big deal at all and your manager has likely forgotten all about it.

partypompoms · 05/04/2023 19:00

Time will help. Try and country yourself and stop thinking of it every minute now. In time you'll have put it behind you.

itsgettingweird · 05/04/2023 19:34

Imagine being the other person in this.

They may have not confided such personal details to your manger. They wouldn't thank you for doing so and your mama her doesn't want you breaking other peoples confidences and telling her others personal information.

Right now I'd forget what happened and make an absolute promise to myself not to do it again.

Season0fTheWitch · 05/04/2023 20:05

Your manager was right to drop the conversation, you meant well but it's so inappropriate and unfair to your colleague. Move on, speak to the colleague if you want but really I think it's best to just carry on.

Aprilx · 06/04/2023 07:20

Buggysleeper · 05/04/2023 18:27

Your manager handled that badly, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about. You were being really empathetic, and your manager absolutely wasn’t. I think maybe she just didn’t know what to say, so said the wrong thing. Not your fault at all.

The manager handled it badly? It was a night out and OP cornered her manager into a conversation about a colleagues sister’s health and the manager shut it down quite rightly.

OP, I think you are imagining this anyway, most people have been touched by cancer in some way

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 06/04/2023 07:34

Thats a whole lot of projection on your part op.

Someone seems uncomfortable with you and you immediately leap to the fact you had cancer and you think her sister may have died from the same type.

Merely going by the fact you've discussed it with your manager in an inappropriate way/setting, I'm going to ask if you speak about it at work?

If you do then I can see why she would feel uncomfortable. If not then she maybe just doesn't like you, sometimes that happens for no real reason.

thegrain · 06/04/2023 07:42

You massively overstepped and on a night out too! So what if she seems uncomfortable around you. How are you going to change that by speaking to your manager and gossiping about your colleague's sister?

You've recently started so just take a breath and let your relationship with colleague form organically. If there are any problems then discuss them.

As for what to do now. Do nothing. Just carry on with your job.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/04/2023 07:43

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 05/04/2023 18:28

Your manager handled this correctly. They are not able to give you information about your colleagues health (and that includes the effect on them of their sisters cancer). You were asking them to gossip/give you personal info, and that is not OK, regardless of your reason for wanting to know.

You feel a bit embarrassed by her response, but don't seem to recognise you were overstepping.

Drop it.

I agree,I'm surprised you think this is appropriate at all,there's no way your manager should talk about your colleagues private life.

RichardHeed · 06/04/2023 07:47

my intentions were good and I’ve been made to feel like a real baddy
The only person who has made you feel like a baddy is you. You’re projecting. She simply shut down the highly inappropriate conversation in a way a decent manager should. The fact you said you apologised several times and your manager had to tell you how uncomfortable she was discussing it leads to me think you were drunk and being over the top, combined with the anxiety and clear embarrassment you’re feeling. She might have handled this more empathetically in a different setting. Not on a work night out.

To be clear, my manager is not her manager. I was asking her more as a friend, I suppose.
Your manager isn’t your friend. This is the problem when managers socialise with juniors, lines become blurred and then feelings get hurt. At the end of the day she is there is manage her team, and part of that is to shut down inappropriate conversations, especially when you’re discussing colleagues, regardless if they’re her direct line management or not.

How do I feel less awful about this? I feel dreadful right now.
Forget about it. Move on and don’t try to approach it again. Understand you have been inappropriate and learn from it.

sorrynotathome · 06/04/2023 07:50

This woman who “seems uncomfortable” around you probably has no idea you had cancer. Chalk this one up to experience and put it behind you. Most people won’t know how you feel (I’m speaking as someone who has had cancer) and won’t really care, so as others have said try to stop projecting.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 06/04/2023 08:11

So tell me - shall I quit? I am still in my probation period and could do this. Maybe this is a sign that I’m not ready.

OP posts:
Xrays · 06/04/2023 08:17

Why would you quit over this? Just be like a goldfish (short memory) and move on. Try to forget about it.

I don’t think your manager could have handled it any differently to be honest. They had to make it clear they wouldn’t discuss personal things about another employee- that should be reassuring if anything as it means they also wouldn’t do that about you to anyone else.

I wouldn’t assume the reason the other employee is weird around you is the breast cancer link. It may not be that at all, they’ve probably come into contact with lots of people who have survived cancer, they might have other things going on in their life or they might just not like you, it happens, don’t leave your job over it.

Floribundaflummery · 06/04/2023 08:18

Why would you leave a job simply because you made a mistake like this? It’s an extreme reaction. Just gain some wisdom and insight from the mistake and behave more professionally at work. Don’t encroach on personal issues and work on gaining lots of skills and maturity in your interactions, being more other focussed. Onwards and upwards.