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Original poster

New job embarrassment following cancer

38 replies

jellybeanJ · 05/04/2023 18:14

Hi all, last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I recovered fully and started a new job this year. My manager knows my health history, I’ve known her for a while now. I also now work with someone who I know from years ago, her sister died a couple of years ago. I think this was from breast cancer as I remember a Facebook post. She was my age. I’ve noticed this person seems uncomfortable around me, and I think this is most likely to be because I remind her of this tragic event in her life.

I had a night out with my new team last week. During the evening, I asked my manager if she knew of the situation with this person’s sister. I explained that I wanted to be sensitive and didn’t want to to upset her. That I was aware I was potentially a trigger for her. My manager said she didn’t know and also that she felt uncomfortable talking about this. I apologised several times and explained that I was just trying to protect this persons feelings as best I could. We didn’t talk about it any further.

I’ve come away feeling awful. So guilty for mentioning it and like I have really embarrassed myself. Also though I’m a tiny bit annoyed as all of this is so raw, my intentions were good and I’ve been made to feel like a real baddy. My manager, knowing Ive so recently come through this, could perhaps have tried to be a bit more understanding of where I’d come from? Any thoughts? I don’t really know what to do now. I feel I shouldn’t bring it up again, but I also feel like I just want to quit now.

OP posts:

mildlydispeptic · 06/04/2023 08:22

OP, I think you're really overthinking all this, and doing a lot of "mind reading" about your colleague with no hard evidence. Who knows what's going on in her life? It may have nothing to do with you.

The best thing now is to try to dial the self-recriminations and anxiety back, just bring your "work self to work", and focus hard on doing the best job you can.

Gazelda · 06/04/2023 08:22

I think you are massively over reacting. Don't quit. Don't give it another thought.

Fortheloveofus · 06/04/2023 08:23

You're massively overreacting wanting to quit. You tried to have a gossipy (tipsy?) chat with your manager (who you said you've known for a long time and maybe consider a friend too?) And she quite rightly told you it wasn't something she could discuss with you. It doesn't matter if she isnt the colleague's manager, she is A manager. End of story.
Would you be happy to discover that other managers have been going around the company telling people you've had cancer?
How exactly has your colleague been behaving uncomfortably towards you? And if you're that curious, wouldn't a simple 'you look familiar, do I know you from somewhere?' suffice?

Suetcrust · 06/04/2023 08:23

I’m glad that you’re in recovery OP and embarking on a new life chapter. You have probably been to hell and back,

But ….
Is there a little bit of attention seeking going on here?
A little bit of “shall I quit” drama?

As others have advised, put it behind you and be more careful in future what you talk to managers about in social settings. Your manager was perfectly correct to shut down the conversation.

Furthermore, if the colleague seems awkward or cool towards you it might be nothing to do with triggering (in connection with the tragic loss of her sister) perhaps it’s just that the chemistry is not great and she simply can’t take to you. Be circumspect and concentrate on getting on with your new job.

Gazelda · 06/04/2023 08:24

Apologies, my last post was a bit abrupt and unfeeling.

I'm pleased you've come through your treatment successfully, and appreciate it has possibly taken a toll on your confidence.

What I'm trying to say is that I think this is about you and your current feelings around cancer. Is there someone in RL you can talk this through with? (Not a work colleague)

Milkandrain · 06/04/2023 08:25

It does sound like your cancer has had a massive impact on you, which is understandable - it’s a biggie - but it is going to make people uncomfortable if their own close relatives have died from it. That’s not me trying to sound like an arse but from the timeline - the colleagues sister died a couple of years ago while your diagnosis and recovery was last year - and the fact you tried to bring it up on a night out suggests it might be something that has been brought up a lot.

It might be best to think about other avenues of talking about it. Best for the future.

Original poster

jellybeanJ · 06/04/2023 08:37

Ok. I agree my manager did the right thing. I acted inappropriately, even though I had good worth. I will try and move on, but it is occupying my every thought at the moment.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 06/04/2023 08:47

You don't need to quit, you just need to move past it in your head which will take time. Your manager responded in a very professional manner, so will more than likely to be professional with you going forward.

I think it's really important to remember that very few working relationships actually turn into genuine friendships, and those that do should have very clear boundaries regarding discussion about work, colleagues and clients, especially where one is higher up in the organisation.

Just give it a few weeks and it won't be occupying your mind.

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/04/2023 08:55

jellybeanJ · 06/04/2023 08:11

So tell me - shall I quit? I am still in my probation period and could do this. Maybe this is a sign that I’m not ready.

This is being silly.

You need to shake this off. You are overthinking and blowing this out of proportion. Draw a line and move one.

custardbear · 06/04/2023 08:58

You were coming from a good place to do what you felt was the right thing.
Manager should have handled it differently, sorry I can't talk about it, maybe approach her and test the waters would be a good approach.

Really pleased you managed to fight it, but it's not your fault her sister died

lljkk · 06/04/2023 09:08

yeah, I think you're projecting & assuming too much, OP. Stop trying to get in everyone's head. Do your work well & be supportive when someone asks you to be.

watcherintherye · 06/04/2023 09:33

jellybeanJ · 06/04/2023 08:37

Ok. I agree my manager did the right thing. I acted inappropriately, even though I had good worth. I will try and move on, but it is occupying my every thought at the moment.

It may be occupying your every thought, op, but in all honesty, it won’t be occupying the thoughts of anyone else! I think this says a lot about your own state of mind at the moment. Understandably, you have been affected by your diagnosis and process of recovery, and it sounds like there’s a lot of projection going on here. You probably could do with discussing it with a counsellor, if it is as all consuming for you as it sounds.

Butchyrestingface · 07/04/2023 12:09

A night out when you were probably drunk was definitely not the time to raise this. There seems to be a lot of conjecture on your part. My sibling died from cancer. Whether I like someone who themselves has had cancer has sod all to do with my sibling's early death. .

I would just draw a line under this one and put it behind you.

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