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Original poster

I think I've just done something really awful.

43 replies

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 12:12

One of the lads in the computer room has been sending round e-mails with jokes, funny pictures and the like. Usually they are harmless. But recently they have been getting more raunchy, and one yesterday actually made me really uncomfortable. I'm the only female in the department and over the years I've got pretty thick-skinned (believe me I've had to after 17 years in a mainly male environment) but some things are simply beyond the pale. And worst of all I opened it up just as someone came to talk to me so he saw this thing over my shoulder before I had a chance to close it down. It was mortifying .

I don?t want to get all Andrea Dworkin about this but I?m not sure it's acceptable in a workplace environment. I just had my appraisal and after the main discussion my manager asked me if there was anything I wanted to bring up. So I did. These e-mails. Now I feel really bad. If he gets into trouble. Was this a really crappy thing to do

OP posts:

Threadworm · 13/02/2008 12:14

No it was NOT a crappy thing to do. You've been v tolerant -- but there are limits!

hanaflower · 13/02/2008 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 12:21

Not really scary hanaflower. I just said 'and about these e-mails that has been sending out' and he looked shocked and said 'He isn't sending them to you too is he?'

OP posts:

redadmiral · 13/02/2008 12:21

I was in similar situation re male workplace, but they never sent them to me. That was a bit weird too somehow. Preferred it, but also felt that I was left out of the gang somewhat.

Any time I complained about sexist stuff it wasn't taken too seriously at line manager level, but it showed them where I drew the line. I'm sure it will be fine.

(When I see some of the payouts women get for workplace comments though I think I was an idiot not to cash in )

choccypig · 13/02/2008 12:24

You've done the right thing. If they get a bit of a ticking off now, you'll have done everyone a favour. Better to get it stopped before it goes to far and they all end up on final warnings or worse.

Mercy · 13/02/2008 12:25

You did the right thing imo.

Pre-kids I worked in the public sector and this type of thing was considered a disciplinary matter.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 12:25

"but also felt that I was left out of the gang somewhat."

Well precisely redadmiral. I think you have to tread a fine line between being set apart and being one of the lads. There are times when I've felt like an honorary man TBH. I just don't think that stuff such as this has any place in the workplace.

OP posts:

unknownrebelbang · 13/02/2008 12:39

Have you asked the person who's sending them to stop?

It can be a disciplinary matter in our place too.

redadmiral · 13/02/2008 12:40

Me too, OrmIrian, but they LOVE it. {hmm]

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 12:43

No, I didn't, unknownrebelbang. TBH it's only in the last few days that it's been getting really bad. And I just happened to be having an appraisal today. I would normally have said something directly but TBH I did feel so uncomfortable about it that I didn't quite know what to do.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 13/02/2008 12:45

I used to work in an all male environment and tbh I think I would have handled it a bit different. I would have gone directly to the bloke in question and said loudly that although it was nice to be considered one of the lads, that i wasn't actually one of the lads and would he mind desisting in sending me misogynistic shite. I found that foul language and a matey type of approach worked most of the time.
getting offended tends to bring out the worst in packs of unreconstructed men iyswim.

redadmiral · 13/02/2008 12:46

There are real pros and cons to working mainly with men. On balance I preferred it, but then my DP thinks I'm a bit of a bloke myself, and I do have a 'mind like an open sewer' apparently.

WiiMii · 13/02/2008 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 12:49

" I found that foul language and a matey type of approach worked most of the time"

Oh I know. I've managed exactly that way for years carmenere. I attribute my generaly foul mouth to years of working with male ITers! Unfortunately he isn't on this site and I rarely see him face to face. And making some sort of comment like this via e-mail would probably just added to his amusement (and that of the computer room in general). And sometimes I just get tired of it all.

Hoping he doesn't get into big trouble. Don't think so as our manager is definitely a softly softly kind of chap.

OP posts:

redadmiral · 13/02/2008 12:50

Agree Carmenere, but there were times when I just felt so nobbled by the sexism that I had to go to someone a little bit outside the pack, so to speak.I think men do operate a no snitching policy generally, but our bosses were still part of the team, not the overall management, so that was still ok I think.

Carmenere · 13/02/2008 12:52

How about dropping him an email to say that you did mention it but that you didn't intend to get him into trouble? TBH I really do think that you should have emailed him directly and have given him the chance to behave decently before officially complaining. That said I do know how wearing it can be to put up with that crap.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 12:59

I may well do that carmenere.

OP posts:

GrapefruitMoon · 13/02/2008 13:06

I'm actually a bit surprised that you manager knew this was going on and had a turned a blind eye to it - where I used to work this would have been a disciplinary matter too (and again it was a very male-dominated industry...)

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 13:08

grapefruitmoon - yes as I say he's very 'softly-softly'. He just said that he deleted them unopened when he received them. Which isn't the point. I think he will just have a quiet word. I hope so anyway.

Beginning to think I shouldn't have said anything.

OP posts:

scatterbrain · 13/02/2008 13:09

Sounds to me as though your boss gets them too though - and tbh as a manager it is HIS responsibility to tell the chap they are inappropriate. Hopefully he will do so now and relaises that he should have done so before !

I think you were absolutely right to raise this when and with who you did.

I work in the public sector and recently a bunch of guys who I work with came very very close to sacking for doing just this - as it is they have been financially chastised !

GrapefruitMoon · 13/02/2008 13:10

But isn't it best if your manager can have a quiet word and get it stopped rather than it going on (with the risk that higher management will eventually find out and take more serious steps?)

redadmiral · 13/02/2008 13:21

I'm not sure about apologising. It might be the right thing to do morally, but it might undermine your position as a lone female. I would only apologise to someone at work in this situation if they were my friend.

Could you ask your boss not to mention your name. He should really anyway.

redadmiral · 13/02/2008 13:22

I mean 'shouldn't' of course.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 13:23

I am sure he won't mention my name. But if he starts off by saying something along the lines of 'there have been complaints' it will be fairly clear who the miserable bugger is doing the complaining...

OP posts:

oops · 13/02/2008 13:24

Message withdrawn

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