Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

If I leave this job I will have literally burned down my life won't I?

27 replies

LaurieFairyCake · 26/02/2023 09:06

I'm in a job that comes with compulsory funded government training at a university for one year.

I'm 2 months in and I'm fine with the course but the job part where I actually work I HATE it.

I basically work for someone who doesn't trust me at all - questions my decision making, questions my time (I work really hard Sad and think about work all the time)

I don't think I can leave as it leaves them completely up shit creek as part of the course is supervising trainees who are at the same uni. I also don't think I'd get another job in this sector as all of my bosses know all the other bosses in this sector.

But I'm massively struggling to stay in post, 10 months to go

I just cannot cope with not being trusted.

The worst part of this is that my boss and I used to be very close friends - we've literally been friends for 20 years. I've only been in the job 9 months, she asked me to come and work there. Our relationship has completely deteriorated.

I was upset about this before Christmas and would have chosen the friendship over the job (and not started this training course) but now I'm actually furious at not being trusted after all our years together. I would now leave the job AND the friendship Sad

Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 26/02/2023 09:07

As it's only 10 months i think it is doable to hang in if you possibly can

MiddleParking · 26/02/2023 09:09

What’s the setup, is it part of the week at work and part learning, or is it working full time and fully self-directed learning? I would honestly stick it out, out of long-term self interest. It sounds absolutely horrendous but in the context of your remaining working life I think you might regret burning other bridges for the sake of 10 more months. Would definitely be leaving the friendship though, what a cow!

Timeforabiscuit · 26/02/2023 09:14

Oh that's really crap - in your position I'm not sure I could cope with 10 months more, it'll shred your mental health.

Have you got an exit plan? 3 months savings, a partner who could support you? Is there a financial penalty on not finishing the course?

Is the only issue the micromanagement, if so, I'd be tempted to just over compensate on that and work with it BUT if it's the friendship, overall lack of trust and undermining you - that's far more problematic.

growinggreyer · 26/02/2023 09:14

You could have a developmental conversation with your friend/manager. Ask them if they want you to make decisions or if you should refer everything to them. Ask them if they are happy with the decisions you made - make a list and check it with them. Ask them if they want you to log your time or if they have any advice for how you use your time. It might be that you are working in a way that isn't efficient or that you are taking things on yourself that you should seek advice about. Basically, give her the chance to explain why she is doing this and try to see it from her point of view. If you can phrase this as 'help me learn about this' and view yourself as being on work placement you will get through it.

Rinders · 26/02/2023 09:20

I would look at what’s going on between you and your boss/(former) friend. Is this something that could be mediated and repaired as it seems like you’ll be giving up so much if you do walk away?

10 months doesn’t seem like a long time to sit with it, but it is provoking a huge response in you. What might that be about? How is she showing you that she doesn’t trust you? That clearly matters a lot to you (understandably), but it feels that it’s hitting you especially hard.

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/02/2023 09:26

Good bosses ask good questions to help drive people's development and critical thinking.
How did you get to this decision / how are you prioritising your time etc.

Maybe you don't like being challenged by anyone.

Youainttheonlyone · 26/02/2023 09:31

was it a secret that you and her were friends? Did she interview and select you? Does she manage other people in the same fashion and it’s just her way or is it just you?

I’m thinking a possibility if it’s just you I’d that someone above or sideways of her maybe intentionally or not aware of your connection and making out she’s made a really shit hiring choice to put pressure on her and undermine her so she’s kinda overcompensating to prove that’s not true but obviously as shit rolls downhill it’s coming out as a crappy attitude to you?

can you Not just talk to her and ask what the heck is going on?

dudsville · 26/02/2023 09:34

Stick it out, get your qualification, move on. I very rarely am unable to get on with someone at work. I see the professional relationship as a basic life skill and i work hard at diplomacy. So it's within that context that i can say I once had a two yr course under the supervision of someone i didn't get on with at all. Prior to this the relationship was fine, peer to peer and polite, so i didn't expect any trouble, but once she had a role over me she became unbearable. It was awful, but i got my qualification and moved on. I initially trued speaking with her about it but that feel flat so i instead worked hard at keeping my feelings in check and jumping through the hoops.

GoodChat · 26/02/2023 09:42

Your long term friend doesn't trust you? I'd ask her why.

Soozikinzii · 26/02/2023 09:45

I would discuss it - confidentially - with someone at the college where your course is . If nothing else because then others don't get the same treatment. They might be able to offer the work part somewhere else so you can finish the qualification ? If not at least you can off load on them ? Then stick it out for the 10 months and leave .

redspottedmug · 26/02/2023 09:52

Consider your relative positions and ask yourself if it's work or personal. You have a mere 2 months as a trainee, and you manager is hugely experienced to the point where they are supervising a university course. So, yes she will be asking questions etc. would you feel differently about her if it was a purely professional relationship?

Sunriseinwonderland · 26/02/2023 09:55

Just hang on in there. I worked for a micro manager for 15 years. After the first 18 months I didn't hear her any more I just heard blah, blah, blah in the background.
Dealing with shit managers is a real skill to learn. This won't be forever and you can't leave every job because your line manager is an idiot.

wildseas · 26/02/2023 10:08

I think that there is probably some middle ground here.

Could you ask to go part time or condense your hours so that you are in the office less?

Could you request to work from home one day a week?

Could you request a couple of weeks secondment to a different part of the organisation for “learning purposes “

Can you make sure that all of your annual leave is on different days to hers?

Does the organisation offer the opportunity to buy extra annual leave?

Does it offer any volunteer or study days or training opportunities? Take them!

Can you set up a fixed regular meeting with your boss, she can micromanage as much as she wants in the meeting, but you bat all other attempts back to the meeting.

Can you try and run more in terms of actions and hours past her to reduce her raising it?

Im sure there are other things like that but basically see if you can stay in post but reduce the impact a bit ….

BessieSurtees · 26/02/2023 10:16

I think @Sunriseinwonderland has a fair point about learning to deal with shit managers.

Friendships and micromanaging apart will completing this put you in good stead for the future, will leaving genuinely mean the end of the road, would a different placement be an option?

10 months will pass sooner than you think in the grand scheme of things, however that could depend on your resilience. Is it affecting your health and confidence or just pissing you off?

I do wonder if these compulsory government funded places are a double edge sword for employees and employer as both are tied.

My friends son did something similar, it was for a chef and he struggled so much with the boss / set up in the kitchen that he couldn’t complete the course, it was making him ill. He had to leave and that meant he had to leave the course and he not only lost that route of career progression but he can’t face going back in a working kitchen.

lljkk · 26/02/2023 10:17

Can you give some specific examples, OP?
So 1st we wonder if yabu.
2ndly, if you can't have a honest convo with your old friend how you want her to trust you more, how will you cope in other workplaces where you have no initial rapport to build on? Is this clinical where avoiding serious incidents is imperative?

Is it really impossible to just be diffident about the whole thing? so it turns out your old friend is a control freak at work. It's only 10m and you won't work with her again, right?

Doliveira · 26/02/2023 10:26

Ooof I’m sorry, Op, this sounds really hard. There are lots of great ideas here for clarifying this with your friend.
if it were me, I’d clarify and also flag “ we need to remember why we were friends” if the friendship has disintegrated. I’d also be doing tons of self care and nurturing, one week at a time, strategies to still feel ok, even though friend is Having a (prolonged) Moment.

MessyJ · 26/02/2023 10:41

Have you ask your boss why they don’t trust you?

PonkyPonky · 26/02/2023 10:52

There are shit managers everywhere you go. It’s a life skill to learn how to put up with them so you can further your career and find a job without a shit manager. It’s 10 months not 10 years. Just put up with it then move on once you’ve got your qualification

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 11:03

You need to speak to her, see if you can get to the bottom of it and resolve the situation

Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 26/02/2023 12:36

Ok to answer a few questions

I've been qualified in what I'm training for for 13 years - this 'training course' is just a very expensive way to qualify me to work with 'trainees' in this particular thing rather than supervising people already qualified which I've been doing for all this time

When she's not here I make clinical decisions she doesn't agree with - that's fine according to her, I'm responsible. And she says that it's not that I did it 'wrong' but that she would do it differently

You're all asking me why it's so hard and I can just honestly say I find it unbearable not to be trusted

I need to go back and look at the questions now cos I think I've missed some Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 26/02/2023 12:41

I have never not been able to get on with anyone - I've worked 37 years without ever having this happen

We had a difficult meeting a couple of months ago and I think she interpreted the decisions I took then as unsound/cavalier/as if I didn't care or think things through

  • ever since then it's like she's looking for evidence I can't be trusted

I also think she's communicating this to the higher ups as there's a 'tone' behind some of the emails

My confidence is SHATTERED working with her - I can easily give up this job and manage financially if I have to

But I COULDNT fuck over the organisation or the trainees I'm responsible for for the next 10 months - if they weren't allowed to replace me it would be such a bad thing to do

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 26/02/2023 12:42

I may be misremembering past posts but aren’t you some kind of psychotherapist? I’d talk to my clinical supervisor about it (and my own personal therapist). If she weren’t your friend would you be having the same strong reaction to her seeming lack of trust?

tinselandjoy · 26/02/2023 12:44

I've worked with two people so far in my career who have made my life miserable so I sympathise.

One was just a shit manager, the other so overwhelmed that he blames everyone else but himself when things go wrong. If you can, ask for another line manager.

If you can't, then given that you are friends, I think you need to have a really honest conversation with each other about what is going on. Presumably she liked you as a person up until this point so it's something stressful about the job of training you that is bothering her?

Is any of it coming from your side, eg stress about the bourse, or regret that this is impacting on your friendship? You need to break down where the issue is coming from and have a proper chat to her but it is awkward and unpleasant to go though.

tinselandjoy · 26/02/2023 12:46

*course not bourse!

Greentree1 · 26/02/2023 14:04

Sounds like you have different ways of doing things, unfortunately she is the boss and some bosses are my way or the highway. For ten months tough it out, by Chistmas you will be able to celebrate.

You could try making it a learning experience, comparing the way she does things (wants things done) to the way you do (or would do things) perhaps you will learn some alternative methods that might come in useful later. Silver linings and all that.