I've recently been participating in a series of performance review conversations with my manager. For context, we both are relatively new in role, I have never experienced a performance review in this organisation (they have explicit guidance), nor have I with this manager.
The other day, while discussing my performance, he told me he has received several complaints about me "speaking loudly" in meetings and "talking over people" in discussion, conversations, and in meetings both face to face and online. I apparently act like I'm "trying too hard."
I found this news surprising and upsetting, especially to be told that my colleagues essentially find me annoying and I haven't been aware of it. I fully intend to reflect on that and have made plans to moderate my behaviour going forward, as I don't want to be "that" colleague at work who wangs on about things and loves the sound of their own voice.
The day after this conversation was our work Xmas do, so I made a strong effort to keep a low energy in the group settings (we ran a workshop on conscious leadership skills before the do). When we were assigned breakout rooms, I was in a group with my manager's boss. I made a small reference to uncomfortable conversations at work, e.g., my performance review the day before, and how important it was for me to reflect before reacting, etc. It was an appropriate example for the conversation topic, and tbh, it was all I could think of at the time - up until this point I have had zero indication of any tension between me and my colleagues at work since the day I started.
The big boss obviously cottoned on to this, and he went and had a word with my manager later in the session. He was also noticeably nice and inclusive during the party, and ensured I felt part of the crowd during games and conversations. I remained friendly but subdued (to the point that several people noticed and checked in with me, but I assured them I was ok).
Fast forward a few hours and a few more drinks later, and I finally mentioned what was bothering me to my colleagues who have the same manager, who have also been having performance review conversations of course. They told me he said similar things to them, that people had been complaining about their behaviour, or that their work was being used as a showcase to others of "what not to do."
I now feel like what I've been told about people complaining about me isn't true? And that our manager is attempting some kind of divide and conquer tactic? Later in the evening he also said some sort of sexist remark to another colleague and when called out on it he doubled down and said it again. (I didn't witness this.)
I feel like I'm in a weird situation that I can't get a handle on. I don't know what to do next, apart from detach emotionally and never confide in him, never show him he could upset me. And keep more open lines of communication with my colleagues, because if we had all spoken to each other after our performance reviews, I certainly wouldn't have been so upset.
What would be best to do??