I don’t think it’s ADHD… but something’s wrong

[Brieeeeeeeee]

Been at my job for 3 and a half years, with 7 months of mat leave in the middle of that. On paper it’s my dream job, something I have plenty of skills and experience in, a thriving industry, a large (household name) company.

But I’m not getting better at my job - I’m getting worse. I can’t cope with deadlines or time management very well. I feel like my brain is full, my to-do list is never ending and I don’t know what “achievement” looks like any more, even compared to colleagues in the same role as me. I can’t do the simplest of things sometimes, and put off minor tasks until the bitter end or sometimes hope it just goes away or someone else picks it up. I can’t articulate any of this to anyone up the chain or in HR. I am terrified I’m going to be dismissed soon as I’m in a regulated industry and have come so close to serious deadlines that it’s been raised as a concern.

I have tried and tried to learn better management techniques, go on training courses, learn from mentors, complete processes and measurable tasks, practice good work hygiene like compartmentalising time, writing up meeting notes immediately, only checking email twice a day, etc. But none of it goes in for longer than a few days and I am back at square one all the time with more work. I always say I’ll catch up on evenings and weekends but I never can. I had counselling for a few sessions shortly after returning from mat leave as I found it difficult to get back into the swing of a busy role, but it feels like that was wasted too as I can’t remember anything that was said or what I should do. I feel like I want to run away.

Bump 🫤

I had a telephone appointment with the GP yesterday and I’ve been signed off for a week. Work is still a mess and I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I have also been prescribed antidepressants.

We'll you've clearly had a baby in the middle of all of this, so that's unlikely to help.

Assuming all of this can't be explained by being a new parent:

Are you bored? If you found the work fascinating would you be more motivated and organised? If yes, maybe consider a new role?

Do you actually like the type of work you're doing? Sitting at a computer 40+hours a week isn't a very natural way to live.

Are you WFH a lot? If yes, would you benefit from more social interaction? Sometimes being in an office, feeling your part of a team and feeling the 'buzz' of all working together is a good thing.

Lots of possible reasons that don't necessary means there's something wrong with you.

Are you sure you are in the right job? You say on paper it is but it doesnt sound like it in reality. Which is totally OK. Can you look to make a change? Are you also juggling looking after little children as well? I know its so much easier said than done switching jobs. You sound a lot like me although im not quite at my limit yet. But not getting any better, not really able to put simple organizing methods in place for longer than a few days, i can double and triple check things but that doesnt ever rule out all the mistakes and for some reason i just dont seem to catch them. I have been pulled up on the quality of my work a fair few times. My focus and concentration are mediocre on a good day. I lean towards it also being some form of ADHD but also fully believe i am not even a slightly good fit for the role that i have. Nor do i have any motivation for it at all. I cannot wait to change jobs as i know what i am good at and it isnt what i currently do. But financially i need my job. I very much hope the week off helps, i think you do need to somehow reduce all the pressure thats being put upon you. Had you requested antidepressants. My sister took these for a while but i dont particularly think they did her any favours.

Why do you say not ADHD? It sounds pretty similar to my ADHD symptoms.

Is this something new? It could be a vitamin deficiency or thyroid problems or perimenopause. See your GP for the standard load of "lack of concentration" blood tests.

Is it because you're not hyperactive? Adults, and females, (presuming you are both) rarely display the kinds of hyperactive symptoms which are associated with the stereotypes of ADHD, but that doesn't mean all ADHD needs those symptoms. It's just a specific better-known type (it is roughly equivalent to assuming that somebody can't be autistic if they don't present like Rainman).

@Squashpocket the baby (he’s 2) is probably the biggest measurable change and I do find juggling work and parenting stressful but surely everyone does? I am lucky to have a flexible job and I’m happy with my childcare arrangements. There’s people in far worse situations.

I’m not bored and I do like the work. I’m good at it. For the last few months I cannot focus for longer than a few minutes sometimes, doesn’t matter whether it’s responding to an email or developing a 6-month strategy. I can’t explain it other than I get this panicky feeling and have to zone out for a moment.

I never enjoyed working from home and I am in the office around twice a week, which are my best days. My team are geographically spread about though and will never all be in the office at the same time. Lots of them dislike being in the office.

Is it because you're not hyperactive? Adults, and females, (presuming you are both) rarely display the kinds of hyperactive symptoms which are associated with the stereotypes of ADHD, but that doesn't mean all ADHD needs those symptoms.

That was my thinking. My GP said the same thing and is willing to look into this once the anti-d’s have kicked in. It just feels like “being shit at work” is an odd symptom, I’m not panicky and unfocused in life outside of work. You’re not the only person who has mentioned that though so I’m reconsidering.

How long have you had the symptoms? They would need to have been present before age 12 and in two settings eg work AND home for a diagnosis of ADHD, it doesn't just appear in adulthood and it doesn't only appear in one area of your life. It sounds like you are saying that this only happens at work?

I have ADHD (inattentive type so not hyperactive) and I have all the problems you describe plus more!

I'll come back to that but why has your GP prescribed anti depressants? Are you depressed or anxious? That can cause problems with managing time and motivation could that be it?

The other thing it could be is perimenopause! Are you at the age this could be a possibility. It can cause symptoms very similar to ADHD as your working memory can be severely affected and you can het severe brain fog. I am in peri and for me, as I already have ADHD, it felt like ADHD on steroids, with some incontinence and rapid aging thrown in for good measure. I've recently gone in HRT and the difference is unbelievable.

Going back to ADHD. This is the webpage that was the lightbulb moment for me:

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/insights-and-news/adult-adhd-aspergers/item/adhd-in-women-why-is-it-so-undiagnosed

Does any of that resonate?

Symptoms wise they are similar to what you describe plus some others:

Chronic boredom
Can't start
Can't finish
Can't focus or hyperfocus
Can't do routine (ie can't establish routines and get very bored very quickly with anything routine)
Can't hold lots of information in my head or do things like mental arithmetic
Can't remember what I need to do, or what someone has told me etc etc so EVERYTHING has to be written down.
Procrastination
Late for my own funeral! (I was actually late for my own wedding so working up to the funeral)
Struggle with word and fact finding
Forgetful
Mislay things
Easily overwhelmed
Sensory issues - noise, smell, touch
Social skills issues
Interrupting people
Extremely impatient
Ramble and go off at tangents
Sleep procrastination
Insomnia (can't get to sleep)
Constantly trying new organisation "systems" to find one that works and can stick to
Millions of emails in inbox!! Emails are my nemesis!
Can't make decisions
Struggle to prioritise and plan and structure - I tend to just start and structure afterwards
No internal clock - so limited sense of time passing or how long things take. Caught out by this constantly. When I used to work on big projects when people asked me how long my part would take I literally had to guess unless I've done it before. Also a large contributor to the lateness.
Can't cope with background noise - I can't filter our noise I don't need so in a restaurant for example I often can't hear what anyone is saying.
A lot of hustle and bustle (eg a noisy restaurant where there kitchen noise and people noise and maybe music too) can feel really disorientating.
Can't cope with people talking to me while doing something. Too distracting. So I can't for instance cook while friends are round for dinner.

That's all I can think of for now. Obviously not all of these apply to everyone with ADHD.

Post-Covid brain fog? It sounds a bit like something I was reading about that recently.

@InattentiveADHD that link has been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me too. A lot of it makes sense. And a lot of those symptoms apply to me too.

I have always been a bit crap - badly organised at school. Loved having a brand new fresh homework planner at the start of term, but I’d rarely get past the first couple of weeks of term keeping that up. Not good at listening either, but luckily quite clever so was able to pick up easily when I did listen. Same at uni, took me a good year to get into the swing of it and was always winging it. Never handed an essay in before the deadline day, ever.

How old are you op?

I am following with interest @Brieeeeeeeee as you sound very similar to me. Although the workload in my office seems to have got more and more unmanageable for everyone over the last 2-3 years, I feel my thinking patterns and behaviours make it harder for me to cope than most people

I've just begun mat leave for my first and really doubting I'll be able to return afterwards and cope with my job and all the stress it brings on top of being a mother

Have you had a traumatic experience

OP, it could be ADHD, but it could be you have undiagnosed anxiety and/or depression because you have too much on your plate. It's common that a new baby and added responsibilities are a trigger.

I would suggest you let go of some of the responsibilities you're juggling in personal life first - share with others, take all the help you can get, outsource. Then see how you are. If nothing changes then it's possibly ADHD but you could well notice a big difference in which case it's your MH issues imitating ADHD. It happens to women a lot.

I’m 37. I did wonder about peri but it would be on the early side.

@Brieeeeeeeee

“Loved having a brand new fresh homework planner at the start of term, but I’d rarely get past the first couple of weeks of term keeping that up.”

i used that as an example in my ADHD assessment! I came across one a few months ago. Beautifully filled in for a few weeks and then…..nothing for the rest of the year!

That's not especially unusual though. Most people are great at forming good intentions and shit at seeing things through - just look at new year's resolutions and all the people who join gyms in January then give up in February.

Same with professional training courses - everyone sits there nodding along, taking notes, declaring positive intentions to change... And then carries on as they were before. Seeing change through over the long term is difficult, most people don't.

And as for deadlines, that's human nature. Handing stuff in before you're required to is the exception not the norm. Most people take deadlines as the target, even in work.

I have always been a bit crap - badly organised at school. Loved having a brand new fresh homework planner at the start of term, but I’d rarely get past the first couple of weeks of term keeping that up. Not good at listening either, but luckily quite clever so was able to pick up easily when I did listen. Same at uni, took me a good year to get into the swing of it and was always winging it. Never handed an essay in before the deadline day, ever.

Yes I could have written all of that! Although for me I handed in almost every piece of work at uni late and spent a LOT of time crying in lecturer’s offices!

OK so if it’s been going on a long time sounds less like depression/anxiety/peri etc and more like it could be ADHD.

One other thing to consider is ADHD is highly heritable. Any signs/diagnoses in your close relatives? The fact that my DS has ADHD was used as a factor in my assessment. And there are loads of diagnosed NDs in my wider family (cousins and cousin’s children etc). Plus lots of undiagnosed possibles in the older generations.

I never enjoyed working from home and I am in the office around twice a week, which are my best days.

You're working in an environment that doesn't suit you - remote working is already really tough if you don't have an employer that is good at managing remote workers and maintaining trust/relationship/information-sharing. It becomes isolating and that makes it difficult to feel calm, to feel motivated, and to focus. Let alone trying to reintegrate into a team whilst working remotely during a pandemic!

Over a long period of time, after a lengthy break from the workplace, during 3 years of massive fear and disruption.

You sound burnt out and anxious. Especially losing focus because you're panicking (which you note as a recent thing).

It's useful to have the insight to recognise the things you struggle with (eg sustaining change to habits or working in isolation from other people) but that's not the same as those being the cause of your current feelings or a disorder.

You're not really describing anything that other people in similar circumstances wouldn't also experience - which means there are ways to work through it.

Yes but that’s just one example out of many many examples! They don’t diagnose you on the basis of simply not having filled out your homework diary!

Those sort of comments are very annoying and frustrating for ND people. It’s a “but aren’t we all on the spectrum” comment.

Of course, almost everyone can struggle with some of the things that people with ADHD do or perhaps they do so some of the time but not all of the time. What makes the difference is between NT and ND is the number of difficulties you have, and the impact these have on you and your life. Look at the long list posted above for example.

Op I was 38

@TockClicking I know it’s possible but unlikely. My periods are regular but heavier than they used to be - I went to docs about that and had a blood test last year with nothing amiss. It’s in the back of my mind to raise again though.

I was diagnosed with innatentive adhd when my baby was a year old after going back to work.

I struggled so badly, even replying to simple emails etc, starting things etc - ive always been rubbish with focus/starting things but it felt 10 times worse.
All my previous coping strategies pre baby I couldn’t do anymore eg I used to stay in the office 5-8pm after everyone was gone to do things as I have to pick up my daughter from nursery.

I would recommend pushing for assessment (look up right to chose referrals), I ended up going privately, currently in titration with medication and work are using occupational health to see what adjustments/support they can give me. Also had a total breakdown/burnout it’s not been great.

I was diagnosed with combined adhd and its definitely worse since having my dc. I'm the exact same as you , I currently need to send a text for my wedding next week. I should have sent it last week. I know what I want to say , it would take seconds to type but I can't do it 🙈 my brain just won't allow me to. I would be the same in a work environment or I'd hyerpfocus and get everything sorted in an hour.

I have adhd and so do my two children and I am sorry but you sound like text book inattentive adhd to me. It’s underdiagnosed in women. The H in adhd can stand for hyperactive mind not just hyperactive behaviour. It’s made worse with hormones I think. You are also likely tired and will find it harder to hyper focus which is probably how you coped with work before baby.

OMG so much of this is me. Even the millions of emails!

In Primary school I had to get extensions on projects because I’d start something way too ambitious and then just get overwhelmed and procrastinate.

My interrupting and going off tangent in conversations makes being social super difficult and stressful. Just living my everyday life is exhausting.