Ds become unhappy at childminder - advice needed please

[percy]

Wondering if anyone out there has some words of wisdom. I am going to try and condense a complicated situation into as few words as poss...

Ds (2.5 yrs) has been with current childminder for 5 months for 2 days each week (was previously with another, but moved house, plus one short disaster with nanny in between). He is a very lively and independent chap - never got upset about separation etc. Has also recently started playgroup 3 mornings where he is really happy.

Anyway, the childminder and I share a mutual acquantaince who recently was saying to me that she felt the childminder was too disciplinarian. I got upset at the time, but trusted my instincts that ds was happy etc. More recently however he has become really distressed at being left there and sometimes says it is because the childminder shouts at him.

Plus, I hardly dare say it, it came to light about 2 months ago that the childminder had smacked ds on one occasion - I confronted her about this and she admitted it - but I am sure this has not happened again.

I guess almost as I am writing this I am realising that she is not the right person. But having said that up till recently ds was very happy there. Plus I wonder how destabilising it will be to change childcare AGAIN. PLUS new baby due in April so may need to review childcare again at the end of the summer. Aaargh!!!!!

Nursery/ playgroup cannot increase his hours. I could cut my total childcare hours a little but not too much as am working part time (although self employed).

Any advice/ other similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for length of this post.

Blimey, sounds a pain. She absolutely should NOT smack your son or shout at him IMO, that's your perogative (JOKE!). I think you need to talk to her about this and establish some new rules maybe? Mmmm. could you look at some others and see how you think they compare?

You know the truth, she's not the right person. Frankly, I don't think she's the right person for any child and I would report her for the smacking. It's just not on. The fact that a mere acquaintance is concerned about your son is a huge red light. It would be much worse IMO to leave him with a woman he's frightened of than to move him. I'm not saying he's in physical danger or anything, but you should move him. he's clearly a lovely, adaptable little chap if he's taken to nursery so well, so the benefits of moving him to a nice, loving, cheerful minder will far outweigh any possibly non-existent problems of chopping and changing. Could you have another word with the playgroup/nursery? Personally, I would do this sooner rather than later and take a week or so off work if you have to while you find an alternative arrangements. Either give her whatever notice you agreed ASAP - like today or just say that you don't want him there any more because she hit him and if she tries to get any more money out of you you will report her to the council! I do have a personal experience that mirrors yours. My ds was with a childminder and it was great at first, but after some months I could see she had gone off childminding because her youngest was going to school. She just stopped taking him out and playing with him and I suspect ignored him quite a bit. She loved the last little boy she looked after and I think found my ds pretty lacking compared to him (!!) I too worried about the impact of change, but he didn't miss her at all. In fact, he's so much happier since we changed his arrangements and so am I. I wish I'd changed his arrangements sooner.

Or, mindful of the row going on on the Gina thread, I ought to suggest in a non-sexist manner that either you or your dh take some holiday if necc while you sort out an alternative for your ds. good luck and go with your heart.

Childminders should not smack and would be aware of their local authority policy on smacking. Despite Ofsteds ruling, childminders unaminously are anti smacking, even if a parent gives you permission to smack their child the childminder should refuse.

As a childminder I never have to raise my voice to the children I look after, a look , '"excuse me ?" and maybe tone of voice is all that is needed.

I am not making excuses for the childminder, but is she under some sort of stress or worry, this can make people short tempered or irritable. It sounds as though you need to have a good talk with her, ask her if there are any problems and hopefully she'll open up to you.
Ask to see her behaviour policy, say that you want to be consistent between home and childminder, so would like to know how she disiplines the children. ( It should be about positive praise and reinforcement of good behaviour, not highlight undesireable or unwanted behaviour)

I would sincerely hope that the smack is an isolated occurance, but if it occurs again I would be concerned.

Feel free to contact me, I am a mentor for Childminders and have trained over 400!

Many have seen it but my website is here

I think Alibubbles is very knowledgable and understanding but I would still change. I think sometimes these things are signs that the vital relationship between you has broken down. In my case, my childminder had gone off minding, was frustrated at home and clearly didn't feel very affectionate towards my son. Frightening and upsetting him is just beyond sorting out IMO. You have to to have 100% trust, and if that's gone, then I don't think you'll ever feel happy with her again.

Thanks for all these replies. I think my instinct up till now has been that things are fine, primarily fuelled by my ds being happy to go there. But now, I feel the thing to do is to find alternative arrangements - he is 3 in March and thus able to tell me what he feels - I think I should listen to him.

I rang the nursery, and whilst they cannot take ds on permanently for more hours, they have said that they will help me out for a couple of weeks or so till I find alternative arrangements.

Unfortunately, I am not very good with the whole employee/ employer relationship thing, and so have always been very friendly with the childminder. I am finding it quite difficult to work out what to say without causing a whole scene - she is very forceful - far more than me. The smacking incident was over 2 months ago, so I would find it hard to use that as a reason. Oh, I'm such a wimp - I hate these situations.

Thanks again for all replies - really appreciated.

Sounds like you have made your mind up Percy anyway which is the hardest part. Good luck in sorting out some alternative care.

I think there should be a club for parents who have a pathetic inability to deal with childcarers!. Any issue, however slight that I need to raise with our Nanny reduces me to a wreck. And any simple request is always prefaced with a simpering "If you wouldn't possibly mind/ only if you have a moment" etc etc. Drives me mad that I can be so in control at work and so ridiculous at home. No doubt its because of residual guilt but I'd rather not go there.....

Why not just say that with the new baby on the way, you are taking some time out of work and won't need childcare. Or that your mum has offered to look after your ds for free? Or even that the nursery has offered more time and you think your ds would really benefit from time with other children etc etc. I think most of us know what it is like - I think partly it's that you don't want to atagonise the person looking after your child in case they take it out on them - plus the guilt thing. You never know, once your son is in the nursery they might find a permanent place for him. If not, and you live in or near London the Simply Childcare register is good for finding temporary childcare - maybe even a mother's help type person who can care for him in your home while you sort out something more permanent. I have my ds at home with me one day a week with a nanny and she takes him to music and swimming so I hardly see him!

I second what everyone else says, go with your feelings, things will never be the same with this at the back of your mind. The trust has been broken and you must do the best for your son.

I hope that you get things sorted out soon, whilst your childminder might want to know why you are moving him, you don't have to tell her. You can just give your notice, and say that it's for personal reasons. I know it won't be easy, good luck!

I was in a similar position with a childminder ( not smacking, a safety issue). My advice would be to get him out of there ASAP. Feign an illness for the first week, then say your PT work has dried up a little, or that you are feeling too tired to do as many hours. If you're feeling brave enough, then tell her the truth. I would suggest that you report her, but don't hold out too much hope that action will be taken, as it wasn't in my case. Don't linger because of niceties with your relationship with her - if she's 'strict' in front of a third party, imagine what she's like in private.

My son was unhappy at his childminders when he was the same age (about 2.5) - cried, didn't want to go. We didn't have any option as we had just moved house (job moved and we had to move with it) and she was the only person we could find, and I just had to work for financial reasons. Very fortunately she decided after about 5 months that she couldn't take him any longer at a time when her mother (who was a much better childminder) could.

But the point is, my son (who is now 8) still talks about how unhappy he was there. Her husband used to swear at him, he wasn't allowed to play with her own child's toys, and he felt really unwanted and unhappy. We didn't know anything about any of this. It was only 5 months at a very young age, and it still upsets him. Huge guilt trip for us and very unhappy experience for him

Copper, I feel so sad about what happened to your son, I think that is really awful. The childminder should have been reported to Ofsted or the local authority under 8's officer as that is totally unacceptable.

I appreciate that it may be difficult for people to report 'sub standard' childminders, but as long as no one does, these childminders will carry on looking after children when clearly they shouldn't and damaging children emotionally in the process.

Please please, if you are unhappy with your childminders, do something about it, I'd hate for a child in my care to be unhappy for any reason. A child's happiness is of the utmost importance.

Coppers - maybe it is because i am feeling a little emotional at the moment (all this happening plus pregnancy hormones) but your post has caused a few tears in my study.

My mind is definately made up now. Also spoke to MIL yesterday who said that when she had spoken to ds the other day on the phone after he had been to childminders - the first thing he said was that he had been naughty. She thought that this was sad that this was the only thing he could remember about the day.

Am going to call her this weekend. Bells2 - ridiciculous isn't it - so scared to ring.

Good luck Percy, came late to this and can't add much to the advice you've already been given and decided to take. But I have been there myself, and dreaded the inevitable conversation so much that I was sick the entire weekend beforehand. I too did not see eye to eye with my childminder, and although ds was not talking then (aged only 10 months) his distress at being left with her suddenly started growing. After being lectured by her on why my continuing to breastfeed him was preventing him bonding with her, I decided enough was enough. Nursery was our solution - everyone's is different - but PLEASE remember opting to change childcare arrangements shows what a good mum you are, not a bad one for it having gone wrong this time round. I felt such a failure at the time but as soon as ds was a different little babe at nursery, I felt much better - and I hope you will too.

I just wanted to say good luck too and, also, do it as soon as possible so that you don't keep worrying about it. Like others on thread I would still consider reporting her about the smacking.

Yes good luck and get it over with. You won't look back!

What a horrible situation Percy. I am so sorry that your childminder has not worked out. Ours is an absolute gem and has been a source of huge support with my amature child rearing efforts.
I heartily concur with whoever suggested giving another reason for removing your ds, if you are cacking your pants about telling the childminder. I would mentally rehearse what you are going to say a number of times before you actually go in to bat. In fact, I would even practice out loud or on your husband. I find that if I feel confident about exactly what I'm going to say then I can say it with more certainty and assertiveness.
Good luck.

Just to reiterate percy, you won't look back and you'll feel so much better for doing it. It'll only take 2 mins. I had to encounter my ex-minder for a while socially and even so, the relief I felt for having removed him sharpish was immense. I was on a high, even though I had no-one lined up to step into the breech for some months.
Incidentally, I had some horrible minders when I was little. I won't horrify you with what they did - don't want to make you cry again, percy, but even though I was 3, I didn't tell my mum - just thought it was another piece of normal adult behaviour. I just whinged more when she left me. The point I'm making is, (not to you percy, just everyone in general) don't always rely on children to tell you everything that goes on - very often, they just keep quiet.

Just thought I'd update you all. Rang childminder yesterday - and she took it all quite well actually. She said that she had been worried about it too etc, and that ultimately she understood my decision. I was quite honest with her and said that I felt her method of discipliing just obviously wasn't appropriate for my son. She was very understanding etc - made me wonder whether I'd made the right decision etc. I guess ultimately I'll never know, but just have to go with my instinct.

So, feeling much better now. Just the mammoth and daunting task of trying to find someone else now and coping in the meantime.

Percy

Well done, I think your instinct is the best thing you can follow and I'm sure you have done the right thing.
Good luck in finding a new childminder

Well done Percy.
How easy is it to find a childminder?

Good for you Percy. Our local Early Years Agency maintains a list of all childminders registered in the borough and can run off a list of everyone with a current vacancy in a specific postcode area. I hopw your council can be as helpful and that you find the right person soon. It sounds as though she was also aware that all was not well and may have been relieved that you took the initiative.