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Original poster

Derogatory comments about my weight

54 replies

Toobusyeatingcake · 08/09/2022 08:35

Hi everyone

Have been put in a pretty unpleasant situation at work and would appreciate some guidance on what I can reasonably expect to happen going forwards.

Essentially as part of my role, I act at the go between support/relationship manger between an over-arching umbrella company and the smaller partners that make up the membership of said umbrella company.

One of the partners i directly support on behalf of the umbrella company meet regularly to discuss strategy and escalate any issues they have. Usually for this meeting, I stay for the whole thing via Microsoft teams, but as we are so short staffed in my team this week, it was agreed I’d hop on the meeting to give my update specifically and then I would touch base later to pick up any additional bits that got brought up later during the course of the meeting.

As the person who usually takes minutes for this meeting was on leave, it was recorded via Microsoft teams so she could listen later and take minutes. As I wasn’t able to stay for the whole thing and the recording was available on teams, I skimmed the transcript to see if anything relating to actions for me/discussion points to pick up were mentioned this evening.

In the course of doing so, I saw my name mentioned in the transcript, but the transcript itself was a little garbled, so I listened to that potion on the recording instead. Clearly the partners didn’t realise the meeting recording would be made available to all, because amongst the disparaging comments they made about our organisation my team mates, they also made very derogatory comments regarding my weight.

The person making those comments was the director of the partner organisation and also a board member of our umbrella company.

I feel that I know even if I escalate this, nothing really will happen - at best he will get a ‘this so bad, don’t do it again’ type slap on the wrist. Is there anything Else I can reasonably do to take this to anything meaningful?

I moved into this role internally about 6 months ago (I reach 2 years with the org in general in Nov) and have been on the fence about if it was a good fit for me. This seems like the straw that’s broken the camels back in terms of wanting to stay.

On the flip side, i have a 3 1/2 year old DS and DH and I were talking about starting trying for another baby this month, so I’m equally worried about being pushed out of a totally new job if I announce I’m pregnant.

I have asked my boss for a chat today about what has been said. Feeling really sick to my stomach about the whole thing and lots of tears. I feel really humiliated. The way he spat the word ‘fat’ and the way everyone else in the room was giggling keeps revolving round in my head.

OP posts:
PaulaTrilloe · 10/09/2022 12:30

Isn't this misogyny and a form of sexual harassment as well as bullying?

It would be tempting to leave the voiceclip anonymously on his voicemail

Hope he gets the sack OP, it's not OK

Original poster
Toobusyeatingcake · 10/09/2022 21:59

Hi all

As ever, thank you all for the very lovely posts and support - it really does mean so much.

As an update, I took the day off to process through my own emotions. I really did feel like someone had hit me with a sledgehammer at both my professional confidence and the feelings I already have about my own body. The comments he made are not just a general observation like ‘oh she’s a big girl’. It was along the lines of ‘she is pointless, utterly pointless. No wonder she is so fat. She can’t possibly get any work done if she’s stuffing food in that face all the time’.

My manger called him and absolutely laid into him. The feedback was that he was ‘mortified’, he admitted he had no justification or explanation for what he said etc. He said he would give me a written or verbal apology if I would accept it. He has written a statement admitting his actions.

I have responded to say that I do no want an apology - I don’t think its sincere and I think he is ashamed he got caught as opposed to anything else.

The CCO And my manager have informed the CEO as they felt he needed to be aware of what had happened since this man in question is a board member. The CEO is going to meet with him next week.

They have recognised something needs to be done, but as this situation has not come up before and we are a young company, there is no set precedent that in place as of yet. HR are writing to him to let him know this has been logged and they are looking into courses for him to go on (I have told them I think this is just tick boxing - this man is a doctor and standards of conduct on these matters are very obvious!)

For me, I am speaking with HR next week as I’ve had some time to collate my thoughts and can now reflect on the situation without bursting into tears!

I have told my manager that I want this investigated fully and put on record. I have made it clear I spoke to some members of my team when I first heard what he said (for moral support) and that even if I swept it under the rug now, they now have the same questions as I do regarding protection from this type of thing at work.

Still working out the next steps, but I have decided that even though this situation is shit and so humiliating, if we are serious about making a stand against this behaviour, then I may have to have this laid bare in front of more people to get some action.

I will hopefully be able to update again next week once various conversations have been had.

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 10/09/2022 22:10

Bloody hell, OP. This is dreadful.

Hard to believe in this day and age, that people would think it ok to behave like this.

Good for you calling him out on it.

Original poster
Toobusyeatingcake · 10/09/2022 22:11

I also just wanted to add that in homage to the typical MN crisis response advice, I actually DID go for a spa day today and it was brilliant.

OP posts:
EnormousStuffedMarrow · 10/09/2022 22:27

Haha that's brilliant @Toobusyeatingcake glad you had a nice day.

What a horrible experience but I'm glad that your manager was so supportive.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2022 22:43

I'd ask that he steps down, is formally asked to resign/removed from the Mental Health rep with immediate effect with him stating very clearly that it was due to his appalling abusive and misogynistic comments towards you. With this fully minuted for the record. So it is always there.

Speaking to the governance professional/clerk could give some very good pointers about the required standards of conduct expected and required for the members (bear in mind that many people are not 'just there to take the minutes', it's a professional role in itself). You could find that there is a lot that can be done to at least have people know his behaviour has been totally unacceptable.

bloodyunicorns · 10/09/2022 22:49

Well done, op!

I agree with taking this further. Everyone in the meeting who giggled should also be talked to.

The guy should not be the MH representative either.

NoPrivateSpy · 11/09/2022 11:20

Well done, Op. Great update. You got this. Please don't let him knock your confidence anymore. I hope the response from your other colleagues had helped you realise he is an outlier in his horrible attitude.

PassMeThePineapple · 11/09/2022 11:54

Toobusyeatingcake · 10/09/2022 21:59

Hi all

As ever, thank you all for the very lovely posts and support - it really does mean so much.

As an update, I took the day off to process through my own emotions. I really did feel like someone had hit me with a sledgehammer at both my professional confidence and the feelings I already have about my own body. The comments he made are not just a general observation like ‘oh she’s a big girl’. It was along the lines of ‘she is pointless, utterly pointless. No wonder she is so fat. She can’t possibly get any work done if she’s stuffing food in that face all the time’.

My manger called him and absolutely laid into him. The feedback was that he was ‘mortified’, he admitted he had no justification or explanation for what he said etc. He said he would give me a written or verbal apology if I would accept it. He has written a statement admitting his actions.

I have responded to say that I do no want an apology - I don’t think its sincere and I think he is ashamed he got caught as opposed to anything else.

The CCO And my manager have informed the CEO as they felt he needed to be aware of what had happened since this man in question is a board member. The CEO is going to meet with him next week.

They have recognised something needs to be done, but as this situation has not come up before and we are a young company, there is no set precedent that in place as of yet. HR are writing to him to let him know this has been logged and they are looking into courses for him to go on (I have told them I think this is just tick boxing - this man is a doctor and standards of conduct on these matters are very obvious!)

For me, I am speaking with HR next week as I’ve had some time to collate my thoughts and can now reflect on the situation without bursting into tears!

I have told my manager that I want this investigated fully and put on record. I have made it clear I spoke to some members of my team when I first heard what he said (for moral support) and that even if I swept it under the rug now, they now have the same questions as I do regarding protection from this type of thing at work.

Still working out the next steps, but I have decided that even though this situation is shit and so humiliating, if we are serious about making a stand against this behaviour, then I may have to have this laid bare in front of more people to get some action.

I will hopefully be able to update again next week once various conversations have been had.

Well done op. He sounds like an arsehole

PassMeThePineapple · 11/09/2022 11:56

Once you realise men can be bitchy too you see it a lot. It's just it only tends to be labelled bitchiness if it's a woman!

N0tfinished · 11/09/2022 12:16

Sorry this happened to you op. I agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup above. He should be forced to drop the MH rep position. These types will only be hurt when it affects their prestige. In the current climate he could even be forced off the board. He has nowhere to go with this - 'Sorry guv, but I didn't know I was being recorded'. I'd also wonder if everyone on the call should be required to do an anti bullying workshop. Did they all sit there and say nothing?

LadyLolaRuben · 11/09/2022 12:30

Sorry this happened. I have to say though, your organisation sounds like it is doing everything it can which is good to read

CanYouStop · 11/09/2022 12:36

Just adding another voice to say I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I admire you for speaking up in such an assertive manner.

CaptainBarbosa · 11/09/2022 12:38

Similar happened to me during the pandemic, the meeting was recorded and I had to leave early due to clashing meetings.

I was referred to as "that dosey Welsh bird" in the recording after I left.

I knew nothing would be done because of the positions the other English members of the team held.

So I decided to play on their guilt.

I sent an e-mail to all attendees saying apologies for leaving early, but I have just received a copy of the recorded team meeting and will review in full.

(I instilled fear)

Then I sent an e-mail about 2 hours later and it was 2 lines which was out of character for me.

"I have reviewed the meeting footage.

Thank you for you in-depth feedback"

(I instilled fear and guilt)

Next meeting I turned up and I could see those who made fun of my nationality wriggling in their chairs with guilty faces...

That was enough for me, it was a personal pleasure as I knew nothing would come from HR way.

Original poster
Toobusyeatingcake · 11/09/2022 12:58

N0tfinished · 11/09/2022 12:16

Sorry this happened to you op. I agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup above. He should be forced to drop the MH rep position. These types will only be hurt when it affects their prestige. In the current climate he could even be forced off the board. He has nowhere to go with this - 'Sorry guv, but I didn't know I was being recorded'. I'd also wonder if everyone on the call should be required to do an anti bullying workshop. Did they all sit there and say nothing?

He can’t even use the ‘sorry I didn’t know it was being recorded’ line either. They knew it was being recorded, because they deliberately did so in order for their admin team member to write up the minutes when she returns from her AL.

He lead the comments, but the others laugh along and then one of them makes a comment to say they better turn off the recording and then says into the camera (whilst laughing) ‘Anne, don’t put this into the minutes!’.

So not only did they know exactly what they were doing, they knew other people within their team would see it and we’re not at any odds to hide it from them.

the lady responsible for making minutes is back in office early this week. So far the recording is still on teams. Im assuming the board member in question hasn’t wanted to share he’s been caught with the rest of his team and told them to delete it.

For now I’m tempted to keep my mouth shut and see if they drop the ball and the minutes from the meeting get circulated. The admin lady doing the minutes has always struck me as quite kind, so by her becoming involved via seeing the video for the minutes write up, she will then also be required to make a statement and open a line of investigation into if something like this has happened before. She is outside their little management clique, so she’s the least likely to double down to protect the rest of them.

OP posts:
Soproudoflionesses · 11/09/2022 13:17

Op you poor thing, that sounds horrific.
He should hang his head in shame saying those things about you.
I had someone at a different site slag me off once....l had put them on hold but could still hear them. I went straight to the top so she had to phone and apologise and l took pleasure in knowing every time she spoke to me, she was cringing bit hopefully she learnt her lesson.

ICanHideButICantRun · 11/09/2022 13:28

When senior staff talk like that it encourages a toxic environment at work. He should be ashamed of himself.

OverCCCs · 11/09/2022 13:35

On the off chance this ends up in a formal dispute at a future point… can you download a screen capture software program to your PC and record the video playing back right there on your computer?

I’m so sorry this happened, OP. That man and everyone who laughed with him are vile.

Original poster
Toobusyeatingcake · 11/09/2022 13:44

OverCCCs · 11/09/2022 13:35

On the off chance this ends up in a formal dispute at a future point… can you download a screen capture software program to your PC and record the video playing back right there on your computer?

I’m so sorry this happened, OP. That man and everyone who laughed with him are vile.

I will try to do this just so I have a nice and clear copy of the recording. I did manage to film the relevant portion myself and that has been given to HR already, so hopefully that will tick most the boxes as far as evidence is concerned.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 11/09/2022 13:45

CanYouStop · 11/09/2022 12:36

Just adding another voice to say I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I admire you for speaking up in such an assertive manner.

Absolutely this.

cstaff · 11/09/2022 14:23

Omg I presumed from your initial post that they forgot that this was being recorded. The fact that they knew makes this 100 times worse. The stupidity and audacity of some people is incredible.

BTW you have been amazing op with the way you have handled this.

DeliberatelyObtuse · 11/09/2022 15:27

Well done OP, you have handled this brilliantly

You should be very proud of yourself Smile

girlmom21 · 11/09/2022 15:42

You've handled this perfectly and I'm so glad you've had a good professional response from your manager and the CEO.

LangClegsInSpace · 11/09/2022 15:54

This is good and easy to use for screen capture, and it's free -

https://obsproject.com/

Surtsey · 11/09/2022 16:46

I know you've already responded to say you don't want an apology, but I think perhaps you should ask for it to be made publicly. What he needs to do is make a full and grovelling apology in front of everyone on the next teams meeting.