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Original poster

Bullying? What to do

43 replies

Bruegelsmom · 17/07/2022 08:05

Name changed.

I work for a large organisation and for a while we have had a toxic culture. Factions, cliques, unfairness. I hate it but finding it hard to find another job at my level anywhere.

last week we had our usual work development away day. Traditionally we’ve all gone out after, pub, restaurant etc. it’s never really been a formal arrangement we just end up in the pub across the road.

this year…went to the event and afterwards it became clear that a restaurant had been booked. I hadn’t been included in arrangements along with 2 of my colleagues. Everyone else knew about it! I have an idea who made the arrangements. She’s someone who has the ear of management and always arranges social events. I’ve long accepted I won’t be invited to the ‘in group’ nights out but this was different. It was a work related event in working hours. And it was arranged to exclude 3 people.

I have no idea how or why this happened. I don’t know what to do about it. I would leave if I could. This feels very horrible and actually exclusion for social events is in the dignity at work policy,

no good reporting to my manager. She’s complicit in this. Just looking for ideas on how to handle it.

OP posts:
CrapBag39 · 17/07/2022 08:12

I’m bolshy and would outright ask why three are not included, preferably in front of the whole group.
“Cuntface is there any reason why myself and 2 others are not invited? (Big passagg smile on face.) Fuck tip-toeing around that bullshit.

Original poster
Bruegelsmom · 17/07/2022 08:19

I would love to but I’m not very bolshy! Plus we’re seldom all in. Lots of remote working. I could e mail around but have no doubt my manager would call me out for inappropriate use of e mail.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 17/07/2022 19:19

Why not speak to a few colleagues in person then? Do they know who was invited and why? Or why others were not? If it’s been held, hasn’t anyone wondered where you were?

RandomMess · 17/07/2022 19:31

Go to HR.

Original poster
Bruegelsmom · 17/07/2022 22:32

Yes I suppose I can ask colleagues when I see them. They’ll fudge it though.

is HR an option? Would they not laugh this out the room?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/07/2022 22:56

Well tbf you would be better noting down all this behaviour to prove their is ongoing exclusion and bullying going on.

Are you in a union?

Original poster
Bruegelsmom · 18/07/2022 00:05

yes I’m in a union

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 18/07/2022 00:05

@Bruegelsmom
Why would ones you know pretty well fudge it? Is there a department wide vendetta against you three? Is no one you work with your friend? Are the other colleagues all friends outside work snd you are not in that loop? I’m wondering if it was a get together for friends? What do the others think who were not invited? Do your own dinner in future maybe?

Original poster
Bruegelsmom · 18/07/2022 05:57

There’s no vendetta but it was deliberate exclusion. It wasn’t a ”get together for friends. Yes those happen but this one included others outside of the usual clique. I have no idea why it happened. I don’t want my own dinner. I just don’t want to feel excluded in my own work place.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 18/07/2022 08:05

@Bruegelsmom
I do sympathize with your position. However you won’t get to the bottom of this unless you ask. Didn’t anyone ask where you were? I guess you cannot stop people organising something out of office hours and not including everyone. I’m not sure how it can be stopped. They were not, presumably, at work during the dinner and it was in their own time. If this is true, then it’s a friendship issue. I’m not sure what you or your employer can do.

abigailsnan · 18/07/2022 08:17

If it was in work time I think it could be mentioned to HR if it was just a group of friends I think you just have to put up with it really,its a horrible thing to have to experience when 3 of you are excluded what do the other 2 people think of this ? or are they not bothered ?

TizerorFizz · 18/07/2022 11:07

I asked that question earlier. Not everyone is sociable.

Original poster
Bruegelsmom · 19/07/2022 04:54

I thought I had explained it but it wasn’t really out of office hours. It was tagged in to the end of our work conference. Traditionally we’ve all gone from there to the pub. This year, instead of doing that, someone decided to arrange a meal instead and failed to invite some people.

it wasn’t a group of friends. It was the whole team except the excluded ones.

I suppose that’s partly social. However it’s fully related to a work event. Also the fact that our dignity at work policy mentions exclusion from social events makes me think it is a HR issue.

so much for the team work they espouse.

OP posts:
Jalisco · 19/07/2022 06:56

To be honest, whilst I get what you are saying, you aren’t likely to get anywhere by tackling this one issue. It wasn’t a work event, no matter what the timing. The work event was the away day, and then afterwards some people decided to go for a meal in their own time. Just as they used to go to the pub in their own time. That is how it will be portrayed, and HR are not going to start telling anyone who they must include, or socialise with, in their own time. If you are going to tackle the culture you need to establish and evidence a series of events in working hours. And equally, you need to be prepared for that not working too, and the consequences. If those aren’t palatable options then you have two choices – get another job, or “water off a ducks back”. Personally speaking, based on what you say, I’d be bloody relieved they didn’t invite me. I have better things to do than socialise with people I despise.

KatherineJaneway · 19/07/2022 06:58

What do you want to happen about this OP?

Original poster
Bruegelsmom · 19/07/2022 08:56

Yes after a few days mulling it over I have decided to do nothing.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 19/07/2022 09:01

Go to HR with this and cite the Dignity at Work Policy.

Do you have other examples of bullying?

I’m sorry this happened it sounds horrible.

Dreamwhisper · 19/07/2022 09:07

Bruegelsmom · 17/07/2022 08:19

I would love to but I’m not very bolshy! Plus we’re seldom all in. Lots of remote working. I could e mail around but have no doubt my manager would call me out for inappropriate use of e mail.

You're giving too much power to your manager.

It's not improper use of email as it's a work related matter. In work relationships and social dynamics (obviously to a limit, but bullying is well within that limit!) should 100% be a concern of your manager.

If your manager was directly involved in the exclusion, I would go even more out of my way to make sure I emailed her directly, with her manager copied in (blind copied if you are scared, or quick IM conversation with that manager first).

I am really shy too OP but I have learned, the hard way, that if you don't stand up to these behaviours, they just continue and escalate.

You don't need to come up with all the answers when you email. Just simply point it out as an incident that occurred during a team building exercise. It doesn't actually matter whether it was a "formal" arrangement or not. Nobody can deny that whether team member organised or management organised, purposely leaving 3 people out is at the very least a poor oversight and should be brought up.

Good luck, don't let this slide. Keep your dignity but don't let this shit go unchallenged.

Dreamwhisper · 19/07/2022 09:10

Bruegelsmom · 19/07/2022 08:56

Yes after a few days mulling it over I have decided to do nothing.

Hey, don't do nothing!! You don't deserve to be treated like this Flowers

These types of things are really bad for mental health, don't let them get away with it, bloody idiots they are.

RedWingBoots · 19/07/2022 09:25

Bruegelsmom · 19/07/2022 08:56

Yes after a few days mulling it over I have decided to do nothing.

Then start looking for another job NOW.

Also start talking to the other people who were excluded however introverted you are.

I was bullied at work I chose to fight. Others chose to leave and get another job. Either way it damaged our mental health. What helped us all was talking to each other so we realised what certain people - managers and HR - were saying was BS.

Tallisker · 19/07/2022 09:34

I'd just sit still when everyone starts to leave for the meal. Then when someone asks if you're coming, say you haven't been invited and you don't know where the venue is and you haven't had a chance to give your meal choices etc. make it obvious in public you haven't been included in the invitation

Tallisker · 19/07/2022 09:35

Ignore me, hadn't realised it happened last week. Note to self - have coffee before answering threads Grin

Original poster
Bruegelsmom · 19/07/2022 09:38

Thanks all. Lots to consider there.

OP posts:
FannnyCraddock · 19/07/2022 09:43

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that HR are there to help you. They are not. They also have no interest in fairness. They are there to protect the organisation including bullying managers.

They also make a lot of 'accidental' mistakes so that timescales are breached in official processes and everything fizzles out. Covid had been a godsend too as it's another layer of excuses.

I have seen this pattern in 3 completely separate organisations.

AlisonDonut · 19/07/2022 09:50

What do the other two that were excluded think about it?

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