Handed in my notice due to anxiety, manager wants to support me in staying

[4567x]

I've been in my job 9 months. It's a graduate role and ever since starting my mental health has really struggled. I'm good at some aspects of the role (marketing) but struggle with the meetings, presentations, events side of things. I don't feel like I fit in with my colleagues/the company culture and I hate going into the office.

It reached a point a couple of months ago where I was crying constantly, struggling to concentrate and feeling completely overwhelmed. I contacted my GP and was signed off work, since then I've had a few more extensions to that and I have now been signed off for 2 months.

On sick leave I have started medication, but it hasn't helped. My mental health has been very unstable; I tend to feel ok at the start of my sick leave but as it gets closer to needing to return to work or ask for a sick note extension it plummets again and I can't get out of bed and cry a lot. Work has offered me support but as I don't think the job is right for me I decided to hand in my notice. I immediately felt relieved after sending the email.

My manager then replied saying he was sorry to hear that and wanted to arrange a meeting to discuss whether they can make any changes to my role to support me in staying. Since reading that email I've been in tears again. I don't know what to do or say in reply. I feel really ashamed and embarrassed and I cycle through thinking I need to leave to thinking I'm going to regret leaving in such sad circumstances.

Does anyone have any advice?

Why would the Manager's email make you sad? To be honest they are probably obliged to try and offer support in these circumstances but if you are having so much time off it doesn't sound like the job is right for you and they probably want to just tick this "support " box so they can crack on and recruit your replacement.

Sorry my advice is attend the meeting tell the truth thank them for their time and support but don't withdraw your notice.

Life is too short to do a job that makes you feel like that. Plenty more jobs out there. Find one that suits you better.

as I don't think the job is right for me I decided to hand in my notice. I immediately felt relieved after sending the email.

Don't doubt yourself . You could thank your manager for their offer of help but you want to stand by your resignation as it's not the job for you.

I think it's really positive that they'd like to continue to work with you, that really does say a lot about how they perceive you for the time you have been able to be at work. That being said, just politely decline if you are comfortable that you are making the right decision for you.

Good luck OP, you'll find the right job when you're mind isn't worried about this job.

I remember the feeling of utter relief I felt when I quit a job on the spot several years ago. One of the best things I ever did. Hated that job.

However, maybe in this case it'd be a good idea to attend the meeting, if you think that changes could be made to make it a better place to work?

It sounds like you are along way from recovering yet in terms of working full time. Medication may need a bit more time, or go back to doctor and ask to try something else…you clearly need some hope and can’t fix yourself on your own.
i would try to listen out to what work says if you can. One of the things is to discuss a phased return to work. Slowly increasing your hours over quite a few weeks- if you discuss with your GP they can even specific this as an adjustment needed for you to return to work on the “sick” note which is actually a wellness note now.
IMHO getting back into work even for a few hours a week helps recovery and a sense of normality. Mental illness is very isolating and it is well known that interacting with people and having a purpose is actually beneficial for recovery rather than isolating yourself…it will also be even more difficult to return to work if you first have to summon up all the stress of looking for a new role.

but you do need to be in a certain place to even contemplate that. If you are crying at the thought it really doesn’t sound like you ready to even think about it and probably need a few more weeks off. Fwiw 3 months is pretty average for time off with anxiety/stress/depression even with supportive employers in my experience (I was a manager too and it is sadly quite common to have people off with mental health problems).
do discuss with gp about meds, take their advice to go out for a short walk each day even if it is a struggle. Rest and try to work on good quality sleep.
hang in there it will get better. 💐

As a PP said, they are just doing this to tick all the boxes and protect themselves from a potential tribunal or grievance. You said that you felt better as soon as you had resigned so just stick with it and politely decline the meeting

Do you think if they are doing it for a tick box exercise to show that they have offered me support they will be relieved if I decline the meeting? I did make sure to write in my letter of resignation thank you for the support the company has offered me to try so that they had in writing that I acknowledged I received support from them.

I'd say that's a definite aspect OP. I've had someone in my team with similar issues and was advised by HR to make the offer of a final meeting to make sure we've done everything possible to accommodate the employee.

As a PP said, they are just doing this to tick all the boxes and protect themselves from a potential tribunal or grievance.
I disagree, I’d say they recognise that the OP is a good employee and want to keep her on.

Whether you want to stay or not is entirely up to you though OP.

What, realistically would make the job worth it to you? Working part time? Working from home? Changing your job description to having only duties you enjoy? If so, be honest and tell them those things. They may not be able to accommodate in which case that’s the matter solved. But they may be able to and you might end up with a ‘new’ job with them that you like and thrive in.

Or, if leaving completely is the best thing for your mental health then tell them you appreciate their support, will look out for a role within the company in the (far) future when you are back to yourself, but regret to say you will be leaving.

If you’re struggling with work right now and need a clean break while you work on your meds etc then that’s ok.

That sounds like a good manager and a good company. Take them up on it and hopefully it'll help out things in a better place for you.

Having worked in HR and in graduate recruitment I'm sorry to say that it is almost certainly a tick box exercise.

From what you say, I think you have reached the point of no return and should leave. It's not like you're just a bit fed up where the meeting will change anything. As others have suggested, no harm in going to the meeting as you might get some good feedback too. As long as attending the meeting in itself won't affect your MH.

But make sure you do not waver or commit to anything in the meeting as any promises are likely to be hollow and short lived. Always say you'll consider it and be in touch.

It's an employee's job market at the moment so don't worry about the future. Leave, recover, then think about a new job. Good luck.

Yes, this is an example of a good company with good policies in place. That they would give the option (and that's all they're kindly offering you) to discuss how they might be able to support you, does help protect them should you wish to look to try to claim against them at a later point, but there are also slightly different routes they could take, which would accomplish the same thing. So it sounds like you showed value while working, and you should take that on board.

Just thank them kindly for the offer and let them know that at the moment, for your mental health, it's better than you have some down time and start afresh when ready.

Thank you for sharing all of your opinions. It's difficult to know what the right thing to do is.

I originally declined my interview with my current employer and HR contacted me to say that they had been told to chase me up to try and convince me to interview. I have also received lots of good feedback from my manager and was told by him that I'm working above the level expected for a recent graduate. I do feel like I'm throwing all of that away and leaving with nothing to show for it.

I think I'll feel embarrassed if I agree to a meeting to hear how he may be able to support me in staying if it is just a tick boxing exercise that he is hoping I'll decline.

It might be tick box or it might be that they genuinely want you to stay. I would think it's leaning towards the latter given your comment above. Perhaps it's a combo of the two.

You were working at above the expected level. And that's regardless of how challenging you found it. Hold your head up high. This is a real achievement.

I think you have made your mind up. But consider going to the meeting knowing that your decision is made. You do not have to go back. Hear them out. Then go knowing you did everything you could but it's just not feasible for you to continue and protect your mental health. Or they might just change your mind.

Having been in a similar situation, I would go to the meeting and listen to what is on offer, especially given your update that you have been performing above expected. When starting out in a graduate role, it is normal to feel imposter syndrome and have anxious feelings. You might want to explore what it is that makes you unhappy and to do this there may be an option for a secondment for a period of time, which would be a great opportunity to explore whether it is a specific job, the team, the culture or something else causing the problem. That way you will know what you need to work on in order to either stay or work out what job to move to next. Even if it is a tick box exercise, that exercise might do you a big favour by giving you the opportunity to work it out, or find you a mentor or coach etc. it will be an informal meeting, and what's the worst that could happen?

I had 5 months off last year with stress and anxiety re work. I'm near the end of my career though rather than at the beginning like you. I totally get the anxiety about having to renew your sick note. At times it felt that it would be easier to return than be off.

The simple fact is that you are still not well. You might get better with support work is able to give you, I've had two lots of counselling and have returned and am now on lighter responsibilities and a shorter week. I'm not 100% but hopefully getting there and I can make the decision about whether i need to just leave and do something else now that I am more mentally well. I'm not sure you are in a good place to make that decsion yet. If you can, attend the meeting, be honest about what aspects of the role cause you problems, it sounds like they want to accommodate you as best they can.

Starting a new job without trying to get some resolution will still be hard and cause different issues - it might make you struggle to get into the workplace at all.

Obviously long term it might not be for you but if you can unpack what the real problem is (for me i can no longer deal with any sort of chaos or work when starting with a blank page either) then it will help you target the type of work that is possible.

I suspect they do really want you to stay - it’s been a rough few years and employer are well aware that people have been pushed to the edge and beyond. If you’re good at it, they will want to retain.

however, you need to do what is best for you. I am also about to resign because my current job does not suit me. I love my team and they’ve been nothing but supportive, but I also feel I do not fit - and at nearly 40 I know that I’m right. On paper we’re a good match, but as they say, the devil is in the detail.

please google inattentive adhd and see if this suits you

I was also going to say that it's unlikely to be a tick box exercise. You are clearly a valued employee and they'd rather keep you than start again especially if they are able to easily make some accommodations that would help.

There is nothing to lose really, what is the worst that could happen? That when you speak to them they agree that accepting your resignation is the best thing for you?

Take time to get well before rushing into anything. For me the resigning could be giving you the same rush that getting a fresh sick note does and that will wear off in a couple of weeks when you might start to need to think about looking for jobs. It would be better to be in a more analytical rather than emotional state before taking big decisions.

I think you should meet them and see what they offer. Maybe they can restructure your role so it’s just the bits that you feel confident and happy doing (marketing) and maybe they can let you work from home more.

you have nothing to lose.

I went through the exact same thing last year. I had been in the job( community support but not personal care role), for about 10 months and my anxiety levels were through the roof. I was called to a "support" meeting but explained that although I loved the job there were certain elements involved in doing a good job that were impacting my MH. As the job could not be done without them, then I really had no choice. I felt like I was letting everybody in the team down but if I carried on then those I supported would ultimately be the ones that suffered. I have no regrets about leaving, I did the right thing for me. Sometimes in life you have to put yourself first and that was one of those times.

I have decided to accept the meeting invitation from my manager as even if they don't want me to stay, it will at least be helpful to hear what happens now going forward like returning my key fob and laptop. I also think it will be good to speak to my manager about it as I've only been communicating with him through emails whilst I've been off.

I'm nervous as I don't really know what to say or how to act, or what they are going to say

It's highly unlikely that they'll be anything other than kind and concerned. Clearly you've done very well at your job, so they've no reason to be anything other than considerate.

I'm glad you're going. It's better to leave having had a proper in person conversation.

Yes, it might be that they offer some mitigation. In a similar situation (though with a slightly lower level of anxiety) a high achieving family member was offered part time as their boss really didn't want to lose them. They decided to go for it, and it's helped enormously and enabled them to feel more positive. But if its not for you, simply say that with the medication not working, you simply can't see that you can continue.