Handed in my notice due to anxiety, manager wants to support me in staying

[4567x]

I've been in my job 9 months. It's a graduate role and ever since starting my mental health has really struggled. I'm good at some aspects of the role (marketing) but struggle with the meetings, presentations, events side of things. I don't feel like I fit in with my colleagues/the company culture and I hate going into the office.

It reached a point a couple of months ago where I was crying constantly, struggling to concentrate and feeling completely overwhelmed. I contacted my GP and was signed off work, since then I've had a few more extensions to that and I have now been signed off for 2 months.

On sick leave I have started medication, but it hasn't helped. My mental health has been very unstable; I tend to feel ok at the start of my sick leave but as it gets closer to needing to return to work or ask for a sick note extension it plummets again and I can't get out of bed and cry a lot. Work has offered me support but as I don't think the job is right for me I decided to hand in my notice. I immediately felt relieved after sending the email.

My manager then replied saying he was sorry to hear that and wanted to arrange a meeting to discuss whether they can make any changes to my role to support me in staying. Since reading that email I've been in tears again. I don't know what to do or say in reply. I feel really ashamed and embarrassed and I cycle through thinking I need to leave to thinking I'm going to regret leaving in such sad circumstances.

Does anyone have any advice?

Don't worry about what to say, they have asked for the meeting so they will lead it so it will be mostly answering rather than instigating the talk. Obviously unless you want to raise things yourself. Don't rush to answer, take your time, and it's also okay to not know or not be sure. I was off from last April until September when I had a phased return but it's honestly only been the last month or so that I've managed to have any sort of meeting (on phone/video) when I've not been upset and cried when talking about it. It takes time to get better but that doesn't mean you can't work at all. Being able to contribute helps my self esteem. When I was saying to my boss that I was feeling bad at taking twice as long to do something and feeling guilty about my colleagues etc. he said that if I wasn't there it wouldn't have been done at all and someone else would have then had to pick it up and complete even later so it was great that I'd managed to complete it and not to worry as that was his job not mine.

Thank you, I'm hoping that my manager will be suggesting ideas as I'm not really sure what accommodations they can make and what kind of things are appropriate to ask for. I've reread the email and it does sound quite positive, my manager included in the email that they have been impressed with my work so far and I have a lot to offer still, so I'm leaning towards them being sincere in wanting a meeting rather than it being a HR formality.

I think my biggest concern is not knowing when I'll feel ready to go back. When I first got signed off sick I naively thought I'd only need a couple of weeks off to recover.

I wrote a huge post and lost it so I'll try to be brief and maybe post in parts!

You are sounding more positive about the meeting, that's good. It sounds like they appreciate and want things to work.

Possible accommodations: reduced responsibilities, reduced hours, working from home, daily/weekly 121s so you feel supported and don't let stuff build up, starting later in the day if mornings are an issue, access to a mental health first aider to discuss things not via your reporting line, a workplace buddy for day to day support.

Other support: a referral to Occupation Health who can then guide you and your employer about suitable accommodations/timelines. They may be able to offer free counselling or access to self help resources.

As for how long you need to be off, that's between you and your health care provider, but bear in mind it can be not an all or nothing situation. You can get a sick note that would cover you for phased return when the time is right. So for example, I started back doing 4 hours every 2nd day and built up from there and the sick note covered the hours I wasn't working so say on a 35 hour week, initially I'd be working say 12 hours and off sick on sick pay for 23 hours.

When I returned "full time" i used accrued holidays to work a shorter week but have now taken a pay cut to drop a day and have reduced responsibilities. I'm hoping this will allow me to carry on for a few years until I can afford to retire. I appreciate you are at the beginning of your working life though so it's important that you get this right and if it doesn't work for you then you can be confident that leaving and doing something else is right for you.

Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

Glad you’ve chosen the meeting - when you’re in two minds it’s always best to choose whatever keeps your options open.

I think you posted the other day about this situation?

You don’t need to have a plan for the meeting. You say there’s aspects of the job you don’t like, so you could be open about what you find difficult and anxiety provoking and see what options they’d be happy with - maybe there are short term options like doing a phased return, building up your hours and focusing on the aspects you find easier and build up to the more difficult bits. Or longer term options like a sideways move into a more suitable role or getting some training to help you feel more confident.

Does your work have an Employee Assist Programme which could offer you some counselling, or is paying for counselling an option? It feels like you have a lot of beliefs that are keeping you stuck, which is such a shame as you’re obviously a valued employee and capable person.

A few months off for anxiety really isn’t long at all - I think you’re working yourself into a tizz about it looking bad when really you’ve not had long, especially if you’ve not had any support that will actually help you get better (E.g. counselling).

Have you had any thoughts about what kind of job would suit you better if you leave?

Thank you, the advice is really helpful.

I know we have an employee assistance programme who can offer counselling so I'll mention that to my manager. They are quite invested in employee mental health so I think there is a lot of help I could receive.

I think a phased return could be really helpful, or even dropping my hours to part-time even just temporarily. I think my issue is at the moment I feel very emotionally vulnerable and raw, and I don't really understand why I feel like that as I've never been through something like this before. I thought signing off sick would help as it would remove the biggest stressor but I feel damaged and have had to strip back on lots of other sources of stress in my life and almost baby myself. I wish I understood on more of a psychological or neurobiological level what is going on

The counselling via the EAP really helped me. I had six sessions fairly near the beginning of being off and that just stopped me spiralling and having panic attacks. It was like having a brick in your chest that stopped me even being able to swallow sometimes. I then had a few months longer off and to be fair, i don't think I was actually ready to come back when I did and I don't think my phasing was long enough or supported enough due to other stuff going on within my department. I have just had a further 8 sessions of counselling via the company that is used for the critical illness cover in work. They offer this to basically try to intervene to stop people being off long term. The longer you are off the more difficult it is to get back. Those really helped me to stop blaming myself for being ill and to focus better. It's taught me to stop the spiralling about stuff that isn't happening/probably wont happen and to bring myself back to the present when that starts. I'm definitely better for having had both sets.

I'm 56 and this is the first time I've ever been through this too. I've worked for 40 years and then got to the point where my body was so wracked with stress that I couldn't move/eat and couldn't think about work without crying.

I'm feeling quite nervous about the meeting with my manager and HR. I constantly doubt myself and the seriousness of my anxiety, and at times I think I'm making things up or exaggerating. As it's invisible and so context-dependent, I doubt myself. I guess I just need to remember that a doctor has listened to me describe my symptoms and has declared me unfit for work, and someone crying and struggling to concentrate is unfit for work. I feel like I need to prove to my manager and HR that I have anxiety, I know that sounds silly but I feel like they won't believe me.

I get you. On the face of things I looked like I could cope sometimes and yet at others I'd get really upset. It will be more visible than you think. I had a colleague that I didn't even know that well, call me a couple of times after zoom meetings asking if I was okay. I took some selfies as I was going through things and in some I barely recognise myself.

Deep breaths, in through the nose and slowly out by mouth. You can do this, you are ill, you aren't pretending. No need to minimise or exaggerate. They will be aware that symptoms come and go and can be triggered by some situations and not by other similar ones.

I had my meeting with my manager and HR and it went really well. They offered to amend my role slightly to remove the parts I find really anxiety-provoking which I didn't even know would be an option. It also felt like a relief that work openly know about my anxiety now, I'm quite a private person and found it hard to speak openly about before but now it's kind of forced me to lay everything on the table and be completely open.

That sounds like it went as well as it could have been. I'm also quiet and private and hadn't even told my family how bad I was feeling until i had no choice. Definitely better to get that out than worrying about it. You wouldn't try to hide a physical illness .

Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to get better and take anything offered that will help you. You are clearly valued and deserve all the help they can offer.

Hi. I'm afraid that this is the reality for many graduates. School and University just never really prepare you for the workplace. All your life you have been told what to do and have worked alongside your peers. Suddenly you are in a foreign environment surrounded by people who don't have time to guide you through the role and who have years and years of experience. It's a very unsettling experience and extremely stressful. Part of this will undoubtedly be part of the job (the meetings/presentations etc), part of it will be the whole overwhelming nature of starting out as a junior in a career where everyone else seemingly appears extremely confident or knows what they're doing) some will be, others will be bluffing). I have been in your exact same position and I quit. The relief was enormous initially. But eventually I had to start over and find a new career path and unfortunately I experienced some of the same issues (lacking in confidence/stressed out etc). Life is too short to battle through. But equally, quitting won't necessarily help as can really dent your confidence too. I would take up your managers suggestion for a chat. If they thought that you were useless, then they wouldn't be offering to assist you, especially as you have only been there for a short time. If half the job is ok, then maybe they can adapt the rest of it. Perhaps you could go back on reduced hours initially or just work there part time. When I was really stressed once, work allowed me to drop to a four day week which helped enormously because the balance of 5/2 shifted to 4/3 in terms of work/days off. I think that it would be worth at least talking to your manager, however uncomfortable that is. Also, give the anxiety meds time to work and if they're not working, return to the Dr. Definitely sign up to a yoga class/go swimming/read lots of nice books, listen to chill out music and have the calm app on your phone. Also self refer for CBT if you haven't done so already. If, after your chat, you still don't feel good about staying, then leave. I'd recommend the Civil Service as an organisation to work for as you can work your way up the ladder in small incremental steps at your own pace. They often support you/help fund education relevant to the post that you are in (my department paid for me to do a master's). The work can be dull, but I've found the staff to be very nice and the working hours are flexible. I personally found my first graduate job to be totally overwhelming, although my boss was extremely unhelpful and there was no support. It really knocked my confidence. Working for the civil service definitely helped restore some of my confidence.

Have just read your latest update! Well that's great news! Now whilst you're still feeling relatively positive, please write some of these points down.

You were genuinely unwell. You do not need to prove it to anyone.
They genuinely want you to stay.
If they wanted to get rid of you, they most definitely could have as you have only been in the post for 9 months. And you resigned which would have totally let them off the hook. They wanted you to stay because a/you are good at your job and b/they obviously like you! It sounds like you have a good manager to me!

It's important to write these points down and have them at hand because anxiety results in the brain going round and round and moods go up and down. It is perfectly reasonable and likely that you will have a few more wobbles before returning to work, as is the nature of anxiety. So you need to remind yourself of all of the above. Also, returning to work after a bout of sickness can be hard. But the moment that you are back you will most prominent feel a sense of relief. The worst is definitely getting in through the doors. After that you'll find that everyone is lovely and it will probably be nice to see some of them again. Hang on in there. Ease yourself back. Best of luck.

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice.

I'm just a little nervous about whether the meeting means my letter of resignation has been retracted as I didn't formally ask to retract it or anything - do I need to? I'm worried I've misinterpreted and they are just making accommodations for during my notice period...

Does anyone who works in HR or management know if I need to 'formally' retract the letter of resignation? I know this is my anxiety talking again 🙃

Leave and do something else. You'll be happier (or at least have a shot at it) and the company can hire someone who suits the role. It's a win-win. No guilt.

Having a history of a lot of sick leave in her first job is going to cause her problems long term. It will probably come up in a reference check. She should cap it at 2 months.

Before it starts being a big thing, I'd drop an email back and ask. Just something like "thank you for your time meeting with me yesterday and discussing the accommodations you would be able to make. Can you please confirm whether I need to formally remove my letter of resignation?"