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Back at work and missing my baby...anyone else dealing with separation and how?

36 replies

RoRoMommy · 07/01/2008 10:33

Hello all,

I've been back at work and miss my DS terribly! It just doesn't get easier, does it? How do you deal with missing your LOs, and has anything helped you feel more attached whilst away? I call a few times a day and my mum, who cares for him, lets him play with the phone while it's on speaker, which is funny as he puts me on hold pretty regularly; that is, when he's not throwing me on the floor!

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Octo · 07/01/2008 10:38

Video link?? You are lucky to have your mum to look after him tbh - be comforted that he is well looked after and look forward to the time you do have with him.

Padds · 07/01/2008 21:38

RoRo, I'm going back to work v v shortly (am a lawyer at an American firm in London so expecting the hours to be quite hellish and feeling a bit miserable about it tbh - DH is studying atm so I am the breadwinner and have to deal but its making me sad). I was hoping to find some nice make-me-feel better responses, but none!! I have a 6 month old DS and already know that I'll miss him so much it hurts. But what to do??? I get paid a nice salary, which matters loads now DH not earning. Bugger bugger bugger, why can I not win the lottery or something???

lennygrrl · 07/01/2008 21:45

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lennygrrl · 07/01/2008 21:46

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alfiesbabe · 07/01/2008 22:02

i agree with lennygrrl - when my kids were little I would have found it a lot harder if I'd kept phoning. Tbh as a teacher my day is always so busy that when I'm at school i totally focus on work. Then I come home and totally focus on that. I think it's true that in many ways separating the two areas of life is really important and may make it easier for you to enjoy both work and home.

Padds · 07/01/2008 22:03

lennygrrl - I think I'll absolutely be the same - was never one for any family pictures on my desk nor have I ever introduced my DH at any work event as like to keep my two worlds separate. I work when I'm at work and I would rather go home to the real thing as quickly as possible than sit at my desk with a photo/screensaver reminder. And I see what you're saying about being taken seriously. Having said that, for me the phoning out is an entirely different thing than having your desk a shrine of photos and all you can talk about being your LO. I think - you're phoning to check, and be part of where you're not and can't be but would like to be, and that need not encroach on your work environment the way a million photos would. IYSWIM?

lennygrrl · 07/01/2008 22:15

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Padds · 07/01/2008 22:35

Ah - I'm a couple of weeks yet from going back and now you've said the kick in the guts feeling I can feel it already and I didn't yet have a name to put to it. Brilliant for you that your CM is so great. I have gone for a nursery that we've been to see and seems nice but how do I know until it happens?? Is it OK to phone a lot at first? Did you manage to be so sorted right from the start lennygrrl or did you start out phoning all the time? Am not wanting the nursery to peg me as one of those paranoid ones but at the same time I don't know at all how to manage the transition from being with my baby 24 hours a day to being back at work. This must sound really trite and people must have been here a million times before, but I've breastfed so been with him all the time, and the only time I've properly been away so far has been my auntie's funeral. I'm a bit worried tbh. Should I have been introducing a bit more time apart stuff??

lennygrrl · 07/01/2008 22:54

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Padds · 07/01/2008 23:11

Massive apologies for the hi-jack, RoRo - which was entirely my fault (lennygrrl was MUCH better mannered than me in saying sorry on my behalf)

lennygrrl, yes nursery is doing staggered entry but only a couple of days before he starts up for good. I sit in the lounge bit for the first day and then the next day I'm a bit further away and then he's there for good. Once I'm back at work, you are so right about the being busy bit - I really do think that'll help. I'm hoping to carry on with a morning feed, and, depending on work, the occassional evening feed. Am so unpredicatable about when I finish work tho. Did plan on expressing, but I have to be honest with myself that its never going to work when I'm back at work. Once I get busy I'll be lucky to get lunch for myself never mind go and find a quiet place to express. And I am blessed that DS is a grubber and eats EVERYTHING (by which I mean everything that HIPP and Plum has to offer. I am AWFUL!!). And the few times I've given him a bottle when he's seemed extra hungry at night, he's taken it fine. So, its not as bad as it could be. Just, I'll miss him like hell. And I have no interest at all in going back to work, but I have to. Do you think any Dads feel this bad?

RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 09:53

No worries on the hijacking, I really love hearing what other people think of this kind of thing so I am happy to see a little back-and-forth.

Padds, good luck to you! I've just gone through what you're about to so if you need any support just look me up. I am a lawyer at an American law firm myself. I came back part-time (I am on 85% time), so I am committed to being in the office from 9am to 5pm M-F, though I often work outside of those hours at home after DS has gone to sleep. I don't mind those hours, but full-time would have been impossible for me.

Check out my thread when I was back three months and over it and looking at other options here. Talk about overwhelming support!

As for bf, it sounds like you've got that sorted, but just to give you some support should you reconsider the possibility of expressing at work, my boss has been very supportive, I do it twice a day and get more than enough for my DS, and I have a little fridge in my office so I don't have to worry about other people messing with/(tbh) looking at my milk.

I wouldn't worry what the nursery people think of you at all, and tbh I don't worry about what people here think of me, either. I have pictures of my DS in my office, with DH and on his own, which helps with my letdown when I express. Also, he comes in to visit once a week, which is lovely and completely necessary for me. Plus I still co-sleep, so that also keeps us close. I have not maintained a separation between work and home, as you can see, and I find that this works better for me, just to provide an alternate view to lennygrrl.

lennygrrl, I do find that it is easier when I am really busy at work, which hasn't been the case since I've come back from holidays. Compounded by all of the lovely times I spent with DS over the break and you get the resultant low at being back to work and perceived need to try to remain close to DS throughout the day even though we're physically apart. It will get easier as the work picks up.

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Padds · 08/01/2008 11:25

Thanks RoRo for the link to your earlier thread. Sounds like it is not going to be easy for me. Did you sort out your 85% agreement before going back? I am not optimistic on being able to organise any sort of part time arrangement as is a small office and v small department, and had thought that I would end up doing what needed doing in any event, and just be paid less for the same work if you see what I mean. Though might be worth thinking again on that.

How are things for you now work-wise (obv you are still missing your LO, but otherwise)?

lennygrrl · 08/01/2008 12:01

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RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 12:06

Things are a lot better work-wise. I needed at least three months to get my head about me, I didn't realize what six months out would do to my work-professional-etc. mind. And then the relationship with my boss needed some patching up/reassuring as apparently he didn't think I was coming back at all, and within the first week I completely f'ed up by not checking my bberry for twelve hours (DS had a cold, and tbh I still think my boss should have called my mobile if it was that important, but nevertheless he was pretty disappointed), but I have now impressed him on a couple of things and feel mostly back in the fold. Relationship with the other female senior associate is strained because she had a mc early on in her career and hasn't tried for kids since. She seems to work even harder around the clock just to spite me (that's probably all in my head, btw).

My relationship with DH has gone downhill since I went back to work, but we're working on that. I just don't feel like I have enough time to be really good at anything, and one suggestion I was given is to put the job last as that is the least important thing at this stage, and I agree with that.

As re: part time, I did negotiate before I came back and it was part of the understanding for my return before I went on maternity leave at all. That said, I don't think you should overlook the possibility and I think under UK employment law they have to at least consider, and I believe must make some attempt to accomodate, flex-time working for parents. I would definitely look into it. Plus most US firms have flex time policies; if you don't mind telling me who you're with, I might have insight on that.

Overall, just don't stress out about it, try to make the transition as easy as possible for you and DS (which is sounds like you're already doing), and don't have very high expectations of your job or your feelings about being there for a while.

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RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 12:08

Lennygrrl, I couldn't agree more; at the very least we should all stick together because it's tough.

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legalalien · 08/01/2008 12:13

Hi RoRo - just wanted to say that I'm glad things are getting better! Maybe we can catch up for a NY coffee some time, and bemoan the pressure that baby-induced time-starvation puts on relationships.....

RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 13:11

I would love that! Shoot me an email if/when you have a moment. [email protected]

Maybe we can even swap tips for keeping the men happy...well, let me think of some first...

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LizzyL · 08/01/2008 13:24

Hi I'm finding this thread really helpful although I'm not going back until DD is nearly 1 so another 6 months yet. I'm another city lawyer although not at an American firm thank god. Just started worrying about going back and my boss has already made it pretty clear that I will have to work full time and still do a fair bit of travelling etc.

ATM have found a good CM and have already decided I want another baby so hopefully won't go back for very long... Worrying about DD and long term career tho. Dh is also a lawyer (another city firm) so can't pick up any slack. AAArgh. I can see why it is very difficult for businesses but a bit of flexibility would be helpful!

RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 13:33

Have any of you ever thought of taking a good chunk of time off while the kids are still small and going back after? Would that really be such a huge kick in the pants of our careers? We're going for number 2 at the end of the year, and I've wondered if I should just take a couple of years off and save to plan, then leverage up the rest of the time, so that I can spent time with the babies while they're still babies and they really need their mum (before, you know, they start being annoyed if you're around so much).

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RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 13:36

I think I meant to say "plan to save" though with the current sleep-deprived brain I am working with I can't be really sure. Oh well.

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legalalien · 08/01/2008 13:59

actually no, partly because of the mortgage, and partly because I'd be bouncing off the walls if I were a full time SAHM. Also, as the prospect of proper pre-school / school approaches, I'm coming to the view that the better time to take a couple of years off might well be the early school years, given the comparative difficulty of putting wraparound childcare in place...... doubtless I'll be posting a thread on this subject in about 12 months time! If only transactional lawyering and part time working were not quite so incompatible.....

Padds · 08/01/2008 14:00

RoRo, can I use that email to let you know where I work & you can tell me if you've heard of any flexi arrangements?

RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 14:40

Absolutely, no problem.

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RoRoMommy · 08/01/2008 14:43

If I could just think of a good business to start, I think I could be happy with that as it would allow me to spend more time with DS. I couldn't be a SAHM either, I'd definitely stir crazy, but I wondered if I could work into that some kind of separate endeavor, like a business, that would give another outlet. I am with you on part-time and transactional work...

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blueberrysmoothie · 11/01/2008 17:16

V v pleased to have found this thread - returning to work as lawyer in City in a couple of months and already have a heavy heart. I love my job, but really wish I could do it 10am-4pm to have more time with my LO. Nice to know I'm not alone.

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