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Original poster

Touchy-feely female colleague

45 replies

Tisthedamnseason · 25/03/2022 20:08

We have a new woman in our team at work. She joined about 6 weeks ago, and in general I find her very annoying. Which is fine, I know that I’m not going to necessarily like everyone I work with, and I don’t need to.
But she is very touchy feely. If we’re sitting next to each other she’ll put her hand on my arm or thigh if she talks to me (this involves moving her chair closer to me to reach), if she stands up and is asking if anyone wants a coffee etc she’ll put her hand on my back to ask me. She stands and sits so so close all the time. We were in a meeting room today and when we left, I got to the door slightly before her so opened it, and she came up right behind me, and reached over my head to grab the edge of the door to help(?) me open it. She’s not taller than me, so to do this she was right up against me, and it was totally unnecessary - it was a regular door, not heavy, and I wasn’t carrying anything that might have made it difficult. Her face was right in my hair and her front was up against my back. She has no sense of personal space at all.
We’re in the same team, and she doesn’t work more closely with me than anyone else but she seems to have slightly “latched” on to me. We have a hot desk set up and when she arrived this morning she asked the person sitting next to me to switch seats “so I can be closer to you, tisthedamnseason!!” I was not happy as I’d been so relieved when someone sat next to me before she arrived as I thought it would give me a break. We’re only in the office 2/3 days a week, and I tried to just quietly choose my days for when she wouldn’t be in, but she always asks when I’m coming in and then comes in as well even if she wasn’t originally planning to.

I cannot bear it. She’s just constantly touching and coming close and in my face. My body language could not be anymore fuck off, I always yank my hand/arm/leg away when she touches me but she doesn’t seem to notice or care. I have said to her before that I don’t really like being touched but she just laughed and said touching was just how she was Hmm

What’s the best way to approach it? Tell her again in a friendly way to back off? Or just be very blunt? If she was male, I’d probably be complaining to my manager about the repeated thigh touching. But I do think she’s just overly friendly so don’t want to make too much of a fuss about it I guess. I’d guess she’s late 30s/early 40s so she’s not new to working, I just don’t know why she thinks it’s ok. Am I overreacting? Under-reacting? I probably sound a bit pathetic, I should just say something. But I did try!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tisthedamnseason · 25/03/2022 20:09

Oh god, that’s long! I’m sorry.

Short version - how to get a female colleague to stop touching my arm/thigh/back all the time, when I’ve tried asking nicely?

OP posts:
MrsPear · 25/03/2022 20:11

Please stop - on repeat. If she doesn’t after 2 strikes do what you would if she was a he.

ProudThrilledHappy · 25/03/2022 20:12

Oh no no no no I couldn’t cope with this. You do not need to swallow your discomfort to avoid offending.

Next time she moves close I would have to bluntly state “can you move back please, you are invading my personal space”

NuffSaidSam · 25/03/2022 20:12

She sounds like a nightmare!

I'd ask her again not to touch you, politely, but firmly and stick with it if she tries to change the subject/excuse it.

I'd also start lying about what days you'll be in the office!

If that doesn't work, I'd speak to a manager.

TooManyPJs · 25/03/2022 20:14

I do think you need to speak to a manager. It's really not ok for her to continue touching you all the time when you've asked her not to.

PeacefulPrune · 25/03/2022 20:15

I'd tell her again, directly but keep it light if you can. Like when she touches your back you could just say look at her seriously and say I'd prefer it if you didn't do that please. Then if she does anything again that's too close just say it again.

Otherwise it will boil up inside you.

Good luck Flowers

Brideandprejudice · 25/03/2022 20:18

I'd give her one more chance of being asked to stop, then I'd speak to your manager.

saraclara · 25/03/2022 20:19

You're just going to have to be really blunt.

"I'm sorry but I've already told you that I don't like being touched. Please stop doing it". And if she laughs it off "I've asked you twice now. I'll be taking it further if you don't stop doing it"

Seriously, what have you got to lose? Surely her falling out with you over it would give you the space you need from her.

SpacePotato · 25/03/2022 20:27

Tell her if she touches you again you'll take it further as it is no different to sexual harassment.

Tell your manager asap that you have asked her to stop touching you and she keeps doing it so they need to deal with it.

Stop being nice.

UserLibra78 · 25/03/2022 20:43

That is sexual harassment. OP you do not have to tolerate that.

Original poster
Tisthedamnseason · 25/03/2022 21:01

I know, you are all right. I think I’ve been more hesitant to say something because it doesn’t feel predatory or flirty/sexual, I do think she is just overly friendly. She’s the same when you talk to her. Alec Baldwin’s character in friends is what I said to DH to describe her, if anyone recalls that. She’s just a lot. But I don’t think she has any negative intent.
But yes, I know I need to say something again and I will the next time she does it.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/03/2022 21:02

No no no no no.
Stop it, on repeat.

SuperSocks · 25/03/2022 21:52

Take to wearing period costume - I recommend a Victorian hoop skirt!

GoIntoTheLight · 25/03/2022 22:53

You need to tell her straight. If she says “that’s just how I am” say “you need to respect who I am and what I feel comfortable with.”

HellToTheNope · 25/03/2022 22:59

I probably sound a bit pathetic

You are not pathetic, she is an insufferable nightmare. I would be extremely direct and firm with her, just one more time, and then I would be going straight to a manager. This is fucking ridiculous.

HollowTalk · 25/03/2022 23:03

Didn't Covid mean anything to her anyway? She shouldn't be so close to anybody she's working with. She sounds incredibly annoying though. Can you fix it with someone else that they sit next to you instead?

Selkiesarereal · 25/03/2022 23:11

I always start with a jokey, oh I hate being touched, keeping the tone lighthearted but if they were to continue after that, they would get a very blunt response. Never had to use the blunt version in all my working years.

ChazzaGirl · 25/03/2022 23:29

@Tisthedamnseason

I know, you are all right. I think I’ve been more hesitant to say something because it doesn’t feel predatory or flirty/sexual, I do think she is just overly friendly. She’s the same when you talk to her. Alec Baldwin’s character in friends is what I said to DH to describe her, if anyone recalls that. She’s just a lot. But I don’t think she has any negative intent. But yes, I know I need to say something again and I will the next time she does it.
You just need to be direct and say you don’t like being touched or having your personal space invaded. I’ve worked with several people like this in the past, and like you say, it’s not a sexual or flirting thing, but it really is inappropriate. Some people just don’t have the social skills or awareness to know when they’re crossing a line. I suppose in some way it’s nice that she feels comfortable with you, but that doesn’t mean her feelings override yours!
saraclara · 26/03/2022 00:01

If she says “that’s just how I am” say “you need to respect who I am and what I feel comfortable with.”

That's a good line too.

AlwaysLatte · 26/03/2022 00:09

Use Covid! Just say 'I'd rather keep a distance - damn Covid!' or something light.

Polyanthus2 · 26/03/2022 00:17

I'm surprised everyone says it's not sexual -- reaching over you to hold the door whilst pressing up against your back ??? Seems sexual to me. And coming in especially on the days you are there. ??? She has a crush on you.

EveryCloudIsGrey · 26/03/2022 00:36

I have said to her before that I don’t really like being touched but she just laughed and said touching was just how she was

You need to tell her again, very clearly. There is no need to be rude at all.

"I've got something to ask you. I don't know if you realize it but you touch me a lot and you often come very close to me in my personal,space. It's something that I really dislike and I'd like you to stop. Thank you"
You can water it down if you want but don't apologise. Personally, I would deliver something along what I've suggested and then I wouldn't say anything further, let her fill in the silence. If she makes excuses or a joke then just repeat that you don't like it and you want her to stop. Keep the message simple.

Weightscales · 26/03/2022 01:11

Is she from the UK?

I've worked with a couple of people like this - all female and I'm female. One was Greek, one was Italian and one was from somewhere near Greece. Can't remember the name place.

All touchy feely. The Greek girl was the worse, she would literally stroke my thighs during a catch up! Haha.

None of them grew up in the UK. They use to say it was a cultural thing - one of them told me someone had, had a word with them about it - so she quizzed me and explained it was just normal back home and she genuinely needed guidance on what was OK and what wasn't. To which being a brit I was like - handshake (this was pre-covid) and that's it. She was bemused but accepted it.

I can see how it might make other people uncomfortable but I work for a big international company with every nationality and you just have to accept some of the differences. Nothing like having a Vietnamese colleague approach you and say - hey you got so fat recently! To put cultural differences into perspective.

I once had a colleague from Russia say to me - why you wear those clothes, so baggy, you look bad, why you not make effort? I'd just walked in with my coffee and responded 'alright, morning to you too' lol.

I do laugh it off Grin but if you don't feel comfortable you should say something.

P.s Its not an insult in Vietnam to call someone fat!

Graphista · 26/03/2022 01:29

Bluntly!

It's the only language people like this understand

You've tried a more subtle approach and you need to try a more clear one - before you explode

That it's a woman is irrelevant unwanted touching is never acceptable or appropriate I hate it as I think most do

And yes take it higher if she won't pack it in!

I'm rewatching friends (again!) now and absolutely remember Alec baldwins character - I've met people like it in real life too one was at the ww group I used to go to and the leader had to intervene after a number of complaints! It's intrusive and offensive

And it's not necessarily not sexual anyway just as you're both women

I think it's highly likely you're not the only one annoyed by her/her behaviour

Midlifemusings · 26/03/2022 01:39

Just say hey can you give me some space. Tell her you don't want to be touched and to please give you space at the office. If she doesn't respect that - go to HR.