Low level bullying in new job escelated today.

NotSoSureFace · 2021-10-28T19:20:01+00:00

Name changed for this one. I started a new job 3 weeks ago. Lots of transferable skills but ultimately new to the organisation and the role. It's a small team, 1 person has worked in the office for a good few years, sees herself as “mum” her words, not mine and then I'm new. Long term lady is behaving oddly, leaving important info put of training, silent treatment all very strange but today it all blew up over an email from a manager which she took offence to. Tears, doors slamming, accusations that I'm trying to steal her job, I'm not at all. Accumulated in her leaving at lunch time as sick and apparently not coming in tomorrow so I'm on my own. I've let our line manager know, they don't work at our site, they are supportive. Ultimately I need to know how to move forward on Monday so we can just get on with working together without all the one sided drama?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 28/10/2021 20:22

She sounds threatened by you, documents every, with dates and times. Keep it factual - ask your line manager how they would like you to proceed. Ask for someone else to show you the ropes.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 28/10/2021 20:23

Document everything*

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 28/10/2021 20:26

I do need someone to train me, I'm just working out by myself at the moment.

Sadly, I have noted down dates and things said, I'm 2 weeks in, it shouldn't be like this should it?

It's bizarre, I've said nothing to warrant feeling threatened by me at all.

Ultimately I want to stick with this job.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 28/10/2021 20:43

no it shouldn't b like this. sadly its probably got some history to it - this story and is little to do with you.

Stay professional and contact hr to ask advice

ManifestingWisdom · 28/10/2021 20:52

FACE it head on. This happened to me and I just kept rising above it, hoping for the best. It got worse.

Look at them all with your head held high and say ''I feel like you have been determined to show me how unhappy you all are that I work here now, is this your intention?''. (or whatever you like. It has to start with ''I feel like.... '' and end with ''is that your intention?''.

They will probably be shocked and say ''no'' (but if they say it is their intention I'll get to that).

If they are shocked in to saying '''oh no,no, no!'' then take them at their word even if it rings false, and this bit is crucial. Smile and say ''I'm so relieved''.

And then staple gun on a smile and get through the day. They may be even frostier to you but they'll have noted that you have more backbone than they thought you had.

If they say ''yeh, it was our intention to be unfriendly'' then say ''ok, i can see that, can you be professional and try and disguise your dislike of me? thank you.''.

And then again, smile like you've been plugged in. It puts them on notice that you're not to be fucked with afterall, cos omg, they were planning on fucking with you.

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 28/10/2021 20:53

@ivykaty44

no it shouldn't b like this. sadly its probably got some history to it - this story and is little to do with you.

Stay professional and contact hr to ask advice

Thank you, it's such a shame as it could have easily worked, I'm more than happy to be the newbie and learn everything over the next 6 months.

I won't be bullied out, I know I can do the job it's just the atmosphere and silent treatment that I find hard. I'm actually looking forward to working on my own tomorrow even if I have to wing it some what.

OP posts:

User983590521 · 28/10/2021 21:00

I'm glad your manager is supportive. Make sure you keep them informed and ask for help in getting to know your rôle, if the woman keeps being obstructive.

(Even if you were trying to steal her job, she's being weird.)

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 28/10/2021 21:21

@ManifestingWisdom

FACE it head on. This happened to me and I just kept rising above it, hoping for the best. It got worse.

Look at them all with your head held high and say ''I feel like you have been determined to show me how unhappy you all are that I work here now, is this your intention?''. (or whatever you like. It has to start with ''I feel like.... '' and end with ''is that your intention?''.

They will probably be shocked and say ''no'' (but if they say it is their intention I'll get to that).

If they are shocked in to saying '''oh no,no, no!'' then take them at their word even if it rings false, and this bit is crucial. Smile and say ''I'm so relieved''.

And then staple gun on a smile and get through the day. They may be even frostier to you but they'll have noted that you have more backbone than they thought you had.

If they say ''yeh, it was our intention to be unfriendly'' then say ''ok, i can see that, can you be professional and try and disguise your dislike of me? thank you.''.

And then again, smile like you've been plugged in. It puts them on notice that you're not to be fucked with afterall, cos omg, they were planning on fucking with you.

Thank you. I'm a natural introvert - I'm happy with this.

I will try your advice next time because it's what I imagined happened on my way home every day for the last 2 weeks

OP posts:

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 28/10/2021 21:23

@User983590521

I'm glad your manager is supportive. Make sure you keep them informed and ask for help in getting to know your rôle, if the woman keeps being obstructive.

(Even if you were trying to steal her job, she's being weird.)

I do need help, I also know asking for anything outside of her remit/our office will just cause more tantrums though.

It's a shame because there are so many departments that I'm sure would like to show me the ropes.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2021 21:25

What was the email from the manager that caused the trigger?

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 28/10/2021 21:38

@Bluntness100

What was the email from the manager that caused the trigger?

Generic, please make sure newbie knows where to find xyz in your absence and authorise IT access to all shared drives so newbie can complete process from beginning to end.

Basics weren't authorised, shared email and drive etc everything I need to get on with things.

First day she told me she was “mum” in the office. I'm nearly 50.

OP posts:

ManifestingWisdom · 28/10/2021 22:02

Interesting that you're nearly 50.

When I was bullied at work I was 46 and this trio of women in their 60s heading for retirement were like bitchy teenagers with one obvious ringleader and 2 just trying to keep her sweet.

Everybody there was either ''old'' or young and I was in the middle, but nearer old!

I suppose I threatened them in some way (even though also, paradoxically, they acted out on their insecurity precisely because I was very accommodating and obliging by nature. So it's like they were aware on the one hand that I had the maturity to read them and read situations better than the younger employees, but they also felt emboldened to be arseholes to me because I was such a bend with the wind type (well, especially in a new job)

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 28/10/2021 22:06

@ManifestingWisdom

Interesting that you're nearly 50.

When I was bullied at work I was 46 and this trio of women in their 60s heading for retirement were like bitchy teenagers with one obvious ringleader and 2 just trying to keep her sweet.

Everybody there was either ''old'' or young and I was in the middle, but nearer old!

I suppose I threatened them in some way (even though also, paradoxically, they acted out on their insecurity precisely because I was very accommodating and obliging by nature. So it's like they were aware on the one hand that I had the maturity to read them and read situations better than the younger employees, but they also felt emboldened to be arseholes to me because I was such a bend with the wind type (well, especially in a new job)

Just hit the nail on the head, it's exactly this scenario, what an earth did you do about it? Did you end up sticking it out?

OP posts:

User983590521 · 28/10/2021 22:13

I do need help, I also know asking for anything outside of her remit/our office will just cause more tantrums though.

That's her problem, if she makes herself look ridiculous.
Surely your manager is in overall charge of the work of both of you and needs to know how things are going.

You're going to try out the suggestion of a PP. Great stuff!

ManifestingWisdom · 28/10/2021 22:52

Unfortunately they let me go. The manager saw everything i did and everything about me through a negative lens because the 60 something who took a dislike to me said negative things about me.

I was pushing water uphill trying to make it work and i regret not walking out after five weeks when they blamed me again for something they'd blamed me for in week 3. I hadnt done it again. Anyway, now i think i shoukd have walked out the door and signed on while i looked around, but i let them sack me.

I should have said, im a hardworking happy straight foward person and this office is not a good fit for me.

I was still cut up to be sacked by them though! The injustice of it. But sometimes, what doesnt work out for you really works out for you!

I have a better job now and the people are so much nicer.

I did use the "shine a light on it" technique on my boss for one issue though and it did stop him in his tracks a bit. Might have been awkward for half an hour. Its fine now! Im a bit braver now.

I realise now that my life long terror of slight awkwardness stopped me from shining lights on people erodingvmy boundaries.

BeggarsMeddle · 29/10/2021 07:55

I've found a straightforward 'Have I done something to upset or offend you?' has worked in the past. There's no accusation in it but it alerts the person with the problem that you know there's an 'issue'. It's short. It's not apologetic.

I used this because I have ADHD and am aware I am capable of inadvertently causing offence and it's the quickest way ime to shut off the behaviour.

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 29/10/2021 18:01

I arrived to an email from HR asking for a statement and a time to review it with my manager next week.

I also had a phone call apologise with a but attached to the end so I cut her off and said, whilst I appreciate the apology I'm to busy to go in to the ins and outs of it over the phone especially while im doing the work of two people on my own!

She was sething down the phone, hey ho.

Today went really well, I enjoyed being on my own and have a little routine set up, dreading Monday morning though.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 29/10/2021 18:33

@ManifestingWisdom

Unfortunately they let me go. The manager saw everything i did and everything about me through a negative lens because the 60 something who took a dislike to me said negative things about me.

I was pushing water uphill trying to make it work and i regret not walking out after five weeks when they blamed me again for something they'd blamed me for in week 3. I hadnt done it again. Anyway, now i think i shoukd have walked out the door and signed on while i looked around, but i let them sack me.

I should have said, im a hardworking happy straight foward person and this office is not a good fit for me.

I was still cut up to be sacked by them though! The injustice of it. But sometimes, what doesnt work out for you really works out for you!

I have a better job now and the people are so much nicer.

I did use the "shine a light on it" technique on my boss for one issue though and it did stop him in his tracks a bit. Might have been awkward for half an hour. Its fine now! Im a bit braver now.

I realise now that my life long terror of slight awkwardness stopped me from shining lights on people erodingvmy boundaries.

Ogosh, that's awful! I'm so sorry and I'm glad you found your better place and a stronger voice. It's horrible.

I'm going to look at the shine a light tech, never heard of it before. I'm fortunate that the manager is supporting me, it's ridiculous behavior and I'm inclined to let her dig her own hole.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 30/10/2021 19:46

I received a text message today as she has gone in to work, we don't work weekends.

It's a long one asking why I’ve left some case files over, asking what my thought process was around xyz.

I'd assumed we would both be in as normal on Monday and I’d talk through my first day in the office on my own but I guess not.

I haven't replied. I don't want to go in on Monday now.

OP posts:

ManifestingWisdom · 30/10/2021 19:56

Eeeek the nerve of her trying to unsettle you at the weekend. Not responding absolutely the right decision.

In her absence you did it your way.
Why would you have done things her way??
She is not your boss and you dont need to explain your thought processes to a colleague who cant work well with you.

Such an insecure power play to make you explain yourself to her!!

If you're sticking it out, stay strong, or if you think life is toooooo short, tell the manager that you're a hardworking, socially competent conscientious employee and if that's not a good fit for the current staff, then you'll move on. And then take your cup at 5.30 and say seeya to megabitch.

My megabitch was called Breda. I always hated that name and i hate it more now. 😂

HumourReplacementTherapy · 30/10/2021 20:05

Her interrupting your weekend is just additional evidence for you to put in your statement.
Good call in not responding.
She's realised she's fucked up
She is trying to justify her fuck up by uncovering some evidence to show that you're incompetent (hence going in at the weekend)
She's insecure and it sounds like she's worried you'll uncover that she's not actually that good at her job I reckon.

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 30/10/2021 20:09

In her absence you did it your way.
Why would you have done things her way??
She is not your boss and you dont need to explain your thought processes to a colleague who cant work well with you

Thank you, that is exactly what I needed to hear, it's how I feel but being so new and all that. I'm not the slightest kind of person to rock a boat or push my way forward. I followed the process she showed me and put my own method to it to survive the day on my own and she doesn't like that at all.

I'm not going to leave and I won't let her bully me - doesn't mean I like any of it though

@ Breda the megabitch

Ive never had a megabitch of my own before now

OP posts:

tribpot · 30/10/2021 20:15

It sounds like she's trying to build a story about your competence (two weeks into a new job that she's failed to train you for!) as a distraction from her behaviour. Has she texted your personal mobile? I bloody hope not.

I think I would be emailing your boss tomorrow night and I would be asking that he/she comes and spends some time in your office this week, so that this can be dealt with in person.

Original poster

NotSoSureFace · 30/10/2021 20:22

@tribpot

It sounds like she's trying to build a story about your competence (two weeks into a new job that she's failed to train you for!) as a distraction from her behaviour. Has she texted your personal mobile? I bloody hope not.

I think I would be emailing your boss tomorrow night and I would be asking that he/she comes and spends some time in your office this week, so that this can be dealt with in person.

It is my personal phone and hers.

I am incompetent - I'm now 3 weeks in with very little training!

Fortunately the management team are very supportive, I just don't want to have to deal with such nonsense, it's draining - I suppose it doesn't help that I don't know if I've done a good job or make rookie mistakes until I get in on Monday but I've always told DC that we learn by our mistakes especially so new in a carer.

OP posts:

User983590521 · 30/10/2021 20:34

Don't contact management at the weekend.
Go in on Monday and don't mention her text.
If she tries to talk about problems, or what she said in the text, tell her you don't want to discuss it as you're hoping it will be sorted out at the meeting with your manager.
Ask her to give any complaints she has to the manager, also.
With luck, she'll show herself up as completely unreasonable.