Just want to vent, my boss is ... calm down... not very nice.

[ExConstance]

I work for an organisation as a manager of part of it. I'm qualified in this line of work to masters level and also have legal qualifications, I was a solicitor for over 20 years. In the sector I work in confidentiality is very important and there has been no suggestion in the 10+ years I've been here that I have ever failed to respect that rule.
I have never really got on with my boss, who is overall manager of the concern, I have thwarted her attempts to micro manage me ( she used to ask to see emails I was intending to send and change the wording in insignificant ways) She also instructed me to complain about the incorrect use of the words "who" and "whom" in a regulators report of our organisation (I did not, and made my views very clear about this)
Last week I was invited to a Zoom meeting I don't usually get invited to, and I didn't have much to contribute so was very quiet. During the course of the meeting there was discussion about some matters which were clearly linked to employees personal circumstances and were extremely confidential. As this discussion continues I get an email from her pointing out to me that there are sensitive matters being discussed and they must be kept confidential. I replied saying I considered it hurtful that she should even mention this. The implication here is that she doesn't trust me.
I really have had enough, she is well over retirement age and seems unable to let go, especially from her number one passion of making everyone's life a misery. She spends all her weekends here in her office, despite having more support staff for her role than anyone else doing her job that I have come across.
When anyone stands up to her she gets very awkward. After the incident she said she would like to come round to my office and talk to me about it, I asked her what time she was free and said I thought it would be a very good idea, she has not replied yet, 3 days later. She has also failed to reply to any of my routine emails which impinge on the welfare of our customers.
I'm just wondering if this time I should make a formal grievance to our Board, in any event I will clearly state that her comment was unacceptable when I do see her again. I have obviously not discussed the content of the meeting with anyone, but I have spoken to DH about why I was so upset, he told me, as he has before that she is just a sad person with nothing or no one in her life except work and that I should not let it get to me. I just feel totally fed up with this and need to do something. The rest of my job is OK really, the team I run is very good to work with, though they have all had their experiences with her of a similar nature to mine.

She was correct in reminding you of confidentiality. She has behaved correctly, it wasn’t personal. She was doing her job

The issue is you’re overly sensitive and can’t stand her, you resent her very presence

But this is not the hill tp die on op. You will look like a twat

You should have responded with “of course and understood”. You are not normally privy to these discussions, she is your manager, she was not implying anything, simoly ensuring confidentiality was maintained.

Good for her

I agree, she might be a pain but I see nothing wrong in her reminding you about confidentiality

I think the incident of the email was fine. She was just covering herself even if it was obvious, and I'm surprised you had to tell her you were 'hurt'. It sounds like an odd relationship for a work relationship. The other examples are mildly annoying but you've clearly never had a really bad boss! Just let her be pernickety and ignore it.

I don't think this specific example is unacceptable.

She is covering her arse by ensuring you've been reminded of your duties and responsibilities. That's perfectly professional on her part, certainly not personal. She's ensuring the integrity of the information is maintained. Seems reasonable to me.

The email is just covering her arse, she knows that confidentiall information should not have been discussed on a zoom meeting, anyone could have been listening in. She is asking that you dont discuss anything said as she would be in the shite. Who is above her, you can speak to them instead about staff confidentiality and feeling belittled.

Yes, not saying she is not an annoying boss, but this particular example is not one to get het up about. Perfectly fine for her to have noted this and reminded you. Not a biggie, this time.

I agree too.

She was making sure, probably as part of her responsibilities, that the staff she manages are aware of confidentiality clauses.

It's presumably also within her remit to check the correspondence going out and changing it as she sees fit.

Perhaps she should have started the meeting by telling everyone involved that confidential matters are being discussed which must remain confidential and not be discussed outside the meeting but I would be concerned about what she was saying about me if I wasnt at the zoom.

Responding saying you were “hurt” is really childish and unprofessional
You’re a grown up and need to behave like one. Her job is to ensure confidentiality, as said, it was not personal. Getting all upset, responding in such an immature manner and wishing to raise a grievance to the board is really concerning

If you do not like her to such an extent you cannot act professionally then you need to look for alternate employment,

So what if she works long hours , has nothing else in her life, you and your husband sitting calling her sad is totally objectionable behaviour.

You sound really hard work to be honest.

Agree it’s arse covering - my boss said the same to me before a meeting we went to last week about possible redundancies.

I hear grievances and misconduct cases on behalf of our company (which he knows) and would never pass anything on. I nodded and said I understood.

She needs to do her job

And let you do yours

Have you ever given her reasons to believe your incompetent? Did she feel the need to tell everyone that it was confidential information or was it just you?

I’m also very surprised she isn’t Managing you out. And repeating your husbands horrible belittling comment does you no favours.

I really can’t believe what you would say to th board, she told me to respect confidentiality I’m so hurt she’s out of order. Honestly she’s likely told them all about how difficult and childish you are so that grievance is simply going to prove her point.

And why should she let go. Why don’t you let go and move elsewhere?

It was not her meeting, she was not the chair, it was a meeting of our trustees and the Chair of the board was chair of the meeting. He said nothing about confidentiality, he took the line (I presume) that it went without saying, and he trusted everyone present to know this. I was the only one there who got this message, her assistant certainly wasn't given one.

I think there is probably a whole lot that's not in the OP for you to be so annoyed. The exact scenario you outline doesn't seem unreasonable, I think you might be reading too much into her intentions with the email. I don't think I'd reply to any email at work with a feeling like that "I feel hurt you would...".

She's probably a nightmare but what you describe is not bad.

@ExConstance

It was not her meeting, she was not the chair, it was a meeting of our trustees and the Chair of the board was chair of the meeting. He said nothing about confidentiality, he took the line (I presume) that it went without saying, and he trusted everyone present to know this. I was the only one there who got this message, her assistant certainly wasn't given one.

But she’s your manager and it’s her job to manage you, not the chair of th board, you were there when you normally wouldn’t be ans so her job is to remind you, she’d have been remiss had she not.

Honestly this is so petty.

I'm a little surprised at some of the replies, I'm very good at my job, have no staffing difficulties at all in my department despite the fact that our sector is on its knees in general with staffing. I have consistently obtained great reports from our regulator and near 100% customer satisfaction in QA. I get a lot of praise from the trustees too because I am very business minded and have introduced some really good IT changes.
I'm not inclined to move elsewhere as I will retire before too long. The organisation has lost a number of fairly senior people due to her behaviour over the last year and I want to leave my role ready for someone else to step into without difficulty, all up to date and at peak performance.

Maybe Chair should have stated it upfront in the meeting, or had in previous meetings, so she was just ensuring you were also aware. There seems to be resentment beyond this though. It is up to her if she works longer hours or has more support available. There may be genuine reasons of which you are unaware.

I think that what people are getting at is that while she may be a pita in lots of ways, that particular email is not the hill to die upon. It is really quite normal to remind a team member of confidentiality if they are at a meeting they're not normally invited to attend. If you lodged that as a complaint to my board, they would shrug their shoulders - they wouldn't see it as valid, they would see it as someone dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

Other stuff may be well out of order and worth raising; that incident is not.

The last person who joined us in a role similar to mine left after 5 days because of reasons similar to those mentioned above.

@ExConstance

I'm a little surprised at some of the replies, I'm very good at my job, have no staffing difficulties at all in my department despite the fact that our sector is on its knees in general with staffing. I have consistently obtained great reports from our regulator and near 100% customer satisfaction in QA. I get a lot of praise from the trustees too because I am very business minded and have introduced some really good IT changes. I'm not inclined to move elsewhere as I will retire before too long. The organisation has lost a number of fairly senior people due to her behaviour over the last year and I want to leave my role ready for someone else to step into without difficulty, all up to date and at peak performance.

Her reminder re confidentiality doesn't contradict what you have said.

It's a bit like a trigger warning or a strobe lighting warning. Your fire them out at intervals in case they are needed. Whenever I discuss anything confidential I always say 'obviously this is confidential' at some point. It in no way indicates I don't trust the people I'm with, if anything it's the opposite- acknowledging I know what I'm saying is sensitive!

@ExConstance

I'm a little surprised at some of the replies, I'm very good at my job, have no staffing difficulties at all in my department despite the fact that our sector is on its knees in general with staffing. I have consistently obtained great reports from our regulator and near 100% customer satisfaction in QA. I get a lot of praise from the trustees too because I am very business minded and have introduced some really good IT changes. I'm not inclined to move elsewhere as I will retire before too long. The organisation has lost a number of fairly senior people due to her behaviour over the last year and I want to leave my role ready for someone else to step into without difficulty, all up to date and at peak performance.

So? What’s that got to do with your petty complaint and you and your husbands horrible belittling behaviour towards her?

Op do you want her job? Or to report into th board? So you would attend these meetings? Do you want her to go so you can apply for her role? Do you see her as the person blocking your next move as you want her job?

I would mention that she is refusing to engage with you and that is impacting on the welfare of your customers and also of her request for a meeting which has gone unanswered by her not you keep it factual and try to resolve it amicably and professionally

You stated yourself it is not a meeting you are usually in so a reminder that it goes without saying all these items about staff shouldn't be repeated elsewhere is no biggie.

I am afraid as annoying as she might be to you she seems she is doing her job OK. You can't possibly know her workload and what she needs to get done whether she has more support staff or not. I suspect if she has a number of support staff some of her work hours are spent assisting them with queries or supervising hence she uses her own time to perhaps catch up on admin. As a former solicitor surely you would recognise that type of scenario. I certainly do.

I am afraid you lost me when you said she should retire. That is ageist and her choice to work or not is her alone and the organisation would no doubt be managing her out were they to feel there was an issue with her competence whether age related or otherwise.