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Original poster

I flipped

37 replies

lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:09

I used to be so meek at work, just accepting any old crap off anyone, doing my work and going home. Rinse and repeat Monday to Friday. Last week someone of the same level as me, tried to give me some of his extra work and I told him ''No, do it yourself" He told me I was disrespectful and he was going to report me. I got up from my desk and slammed my mouse down, and walked away. He reported me. We had a 'big' meeting with our boss who said we had to get along and they will be reviewing it in a week. I basically just want to stay at home under the duvet and never go back but I have to.

How can I be more assertive with this man? I just feel depressed and alone.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 18/10/2021 07:12

What else is going on, what was the build up to this incident? If you had said, "I have enough of my own work and don't have time to help you do yours" that would have been better than what you've posted, but you haven't given us the background.

Snowdropsandbluebells · 18/10/2021 07:15

I have lacked assertiveness in work so I now stand up for myself and call people out. Eg underhand behaviour or passing ideas off as their own.

The fact he reported you over one small thing shows he's devious. Can you talk to the boss privately. You are happy to 'get along' once you are treated with respect. Don't let them win.

BonnieGoWayward · 18/10/2021 07:16

You were rude and unprofessional. You'll only land yourself in trouble if you act like that.

Just say 'oh I just don't have scope to do this as well as my own work. Sorry I can't help, hope you sort it'.

You can be assertive while remaining perfectly polite.

Original poster
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:20

@WeAreTheHeroes sorry, should have said that he regularly tells me what to do and how to do it, and I am happy to comply. But this time he had just overloaded me (I am on the spectrum too which doesn't help) with information and I spiralled. The boss is his friend and religious partner - they pray together so he would naturally take his side maybe??
I feel unsupported

OP posts:
Original poster
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:22

@BonnieGoWayward I know I was. I was truly sorry and apologised. But with Monday morning here, I have to face him again and I feel awful

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 18/10/2021 07:23

You don't need to take his work. You have your own work. He is being rude trying to give you his work and then complaining. He sounds rubbish. Get your side of the story clear and see your line manager on your own to tell them what really happened. I bet they have been told a bull shit story by 'work giving' man! Stand up for yourself politely and you will feel better. For what it's worth I don't even think you were that rude, you didn't even swear.

Luckytattie · 18/10/2021 07:25

If the guy has too much on his plate that's an issue for his manager to deal with, not for him to automatically delegate it to you.

And that's what I'd say

Original poster
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:26

@Ukholidaysaregreat I emailed him. He said I had been talking about colleague with everyone else, I did, only because I was so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:28

How do I handle him? That's all I need to know. Sit there in the meeting with a smile? I can do that!
What if he changes the schedule so it doesn't benefit me? IE moving people around r department? He can do this when boss puts him in charge - and this will happen in a week's time

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 18/10/2021 07:30

You've apologised for snapping, but don't apologise for refusing to do his work. Id say to your boss that if X is too busy, and he feels he has to give you work, then it's his boss that needs to take a look at work loads for you both.

I find that if you're a people pleaser (I am too), it comes as a shock to people if you start to put boundaries in place. It can sometimes come across as you being unhelpful until people 'get used to it'

Well done for putting some boundaries in place, don't get angry next time though, get assertive.

I'm sorry X but I don't have the bandwidth to take in this piece for work, id suggest you speak to boss if you're being overloaded with work - smile and go back to your work

Or

Thank you for your helpful suggestion about how to do X but the way I do it works better for me. Appreciate the help tho

Kill him with kindness but still don't take any shit

Original poster
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:34

Thank you. I don't want to creep up to him, but be professional. I dislike him still. I have to prove to he boss I have made amends

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 18/10/2021 07:36

Yeah I think you just have to get through it, although it'll be painful. You just have to alologise for your reaction, however you want some clarity on wether this man can continue to give you additional work because it's taking you well over capacity.

Geamhradh · 18/10/2021 07:37

Not enough to go on here.
Are you a team, working on the same pile?
Is it company protocol to help each other out if one person has more on their pile?
Did he say "I want you to do this work of mine"
Did he say "I'm a bit behind, could you help me out please?"
How often does this happen?

Only you know if this was a one-off, and if it is part of the workplace protocol to help each other out. Your reaction seems excessive if it was one incident.

You say he tells you what to do. In what sense? When? When you already know what to do and he thinks you don't, or when you don't know what to do? You say this time he "overloaded" you. With work? How has it got to the point where someone the same grade as you passes their work onto you?

Ultimately, going only on what you've said, you behaved inappropriately in a professional context. You now need a sit down with your direct line manager and explain calmly that your job description doesn't include taking work from others of the same level as you, and you would like it not to happen again.

Your boss's (and this colleague's) religious beliefs are nothing to do with you, and inferring that you got into trouble because they share the same beliefs will only get you into further disciplinary processes if you voice them in the workplace. You've been "caught" talking about the incident if I've understood correctly?

beastlyslumber · 18/10/2021 07:56

I would apologise for snapping. "I'm so sorry for snapping at you. It was unprofessional of me. I should have addressed the issue by explaining that you often give me your work to complete on top of my own, and it is not acceptable since we are paid the same amount and are on the same level and have the same amount of time to complete jobs. I would like to resolve this by agreeing that we will each take responsibility for our own workload in future, and not expect the other to pick up any of our slack."

Say it all with a smile, and whatever comes back at you, just keep repeating the same thing. Don't get drawn into a debate, just stick to your same few sentences. Do you have a HR department/person or a union? I'd consider enlisting them.

Original poster
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:58

Yes I spoke about the incident. But why shouldn't I? He tells me what to do all tr time, it has been a build up to the incident. We work on the same team, and he will give directions as to when I have my lunch break for example. I wouldn't mind this as it can work for me most days, but yes it has been going on for months and months

OP posts:
Original poster
lmpeachment · 18/10/2021 07:59

@beastlyslumber
This sounds like a plan I coul follow. It's just knowing what to say. Other people are rude to him also, it's me he takes it out on

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 18/10/2021 08:04

Maybe the others are assertive rather than rude and because assertiveness is something you struggle with you don't fully see or understand the difference?

You were wrong to criticise him to others behind his back: it's something you should never do, it's highly unprofessional. It's completely different to tell a colleague you're upset you've been given a load of extra work on top of your own workload v. slagging off the colleague who gave you the extra work.

AlexaShutUp · 18/10/2021 08:04

OP, you're not doing yourself any favours here. It's fine to be politely assertive, and to say that you're unable to take any of someone else's work on because you have too much of your own, but from your own account, you "flipped". You were rude and unprofessional, and then you proceeded to bitch about your colleague to anyone else in the office who would listen. I think most managers would take a dim view of this kind of behaviour tbh.

beastlyslumber · 18/10/2021 08:06

Good luck OP. The strategy I outlined there is an assertiveness technique. You state your wishes and simply repeat your message without getting drawn in to debate or discussion about other issues.

Assertiveness training can be very helpful - I had a little bit many years ago and I still use the techniques to this day. I also recommend a book called 'The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-defence' by Suzette Elgin (possibly got the name wrong?) although if you can find an abridged version, might be good. I found the original book a bit wordy, lol.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 18/10/2021 08:09

@lmpeachment

I used to be so meek at work, just accepting any old crap off anyone, doing my work and going home. Rinse and repeat Monday to Friday. Last week someone of the same level as me, tried to give me some of his extra work and I told him ''No, do it yourself" He told me I was disrespectful and he was going to report me. I got up from my desk and slammed my mouse down, and walked away. He reported me. We had a 'big' meeting with our boss who said we had to get along and they will be reviewing it in a week. I basically just want to stay at home under the duvet and never go back but I have to. How can I be more assertive with this man? I just feel depressed and alone.
You have mixed up being assertive with being downright rude.

And now you will have to accept the consequences of that childish and unprofessional tizzy fit

You should be embarrassed. That was not being assertive

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 18/10/2021 08:11

[quote lmpeachment]@Ukholidaysaregreat I emailed him. He said I had been talking about colleague with everyone else, I did, only because I was so upset.[/quote]
And a further display of complete lack of professionalism

romdowa · 18/10/2021 08:13

Have you declared your autism to your work? I'm autistic and I understand that sometimes when we mean to be assertive and calm that we can appear rude. Social interaction is a major area where autistics struggle and you should be supported with this in the work place and it sounds like you aren't

BishopBrennansArse · 18/10/2021 08:15

Really - did you miss where the OP said they were autistic or are you just finding any reason at all to stick the boot in?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 18/10/2021 08:17

@BishopBrennansArse

Really - did you miss where the OP said they were autistic or are you just finding any reason at all to stick the boot in?
I did not miss that bit.

But are you saying autism is an excuse for slamming down a mouse, rudeness and gossiping with colleagues about another colleague?

Because I have much more respect that that for those with autism.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 18/10/2021 08:18

Go in with your head high op.
Fair enough you can apologise for being rude but why should you take his work when you have your own? I mean yes you are a team etc and l would always help out but not if it is all ehe time.
I would suggest he needs some training in time management!

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