Reassure me please - feeling of impending doom

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

I go back to work in under 2 months out of necessity, and DP will become a SAHD. DS is currently 4 months. I have found myself pretty much following attachment parenting principles (at DS's insistence!), with the result (or maybe it would be this way anyway) that DS is very clingy and close to me. He also loves his dad but needs me for bedtimes/naptimes to feed/rock him to sleep. He's funny with anyone else, and is grumpy and whiney when alone with DP.

I'm trying not to worry because he could be totally different in 2 months but DS is a particularly difficult baby, very sensitive, alert, easily overstimulated and really struggles to relax enough for the sleep he really needs to avoid meltdown. I feel that I am the only person at the moment who really understands/reads him well and responds to his needs. Whenever I have left him with DP (at least once a week) he usually ends up having to walk the town with DS in the pram or sling howling.

I'm sure loads of people have been here and survived and I also know I might be worrying about nothing but if anyone has any experiences to share I'd be really grateful, am just having a bit of a wobble

It really won't be as bad as you're expecting. Honest. That's the main thing. Babies are adaptable and once you have a new routine, he will go with the flow.
Your ds is also going to be with his dad, which also keeps things simpler - most people in your situation would be having to get their baby used to a carer from outside the family, which would be likely to take longer. As you describe your ds as a difficult baby, it's probably going to be very good for the two of you that he starts to build up loving and trusting relationships with others. Good luck.

It will be fine.Honestly.
And if it isn't, you can always rethink your arrangements.
Thinking about it is worse than the actual doing it.

I don't have any experiences to share, but I'm going back to work in a month - DD will be looked after my her grandparents one day, me one day and nursery for the remaining 3 days. I've been leaving her with my folks one day a week already so that they can get used to her little ways - and similar to your dp, they tend to take her out in the pram to get her to sleep. My view is that if that is what works for them then that is fine
I am totally terrified about leaving her in nursery - what if they miss that crucial nap time moment and she becomes inconsolable - I have the thought of her being unhappy. But everyone tells me that she will get lots of love and cuddles so I hold onto that.
I think it is great that your wee one will have his dad there to look after him.

Thank you. I think a big part of me is actually sort of enjoying this being a mum thing, now the sleep deprivation is an accepted part of life (4 hours in a row? Twice a week? I feel like a new woman!), and now I can respond to him appropriately and he cries less and siles more ... I quite like him really ... milky breath and round bottom and warm soft cuddles and soft fluffy hair .... [sigh] I love my job but not this much

aw - I love that - milky breath and round bottom and warm soft cuddles and soft fluffy hair - aw!
I want to go and wake up my dd now and give her a cuddle and snuggle her hair!

Well I raked out this thread because I'm considering selling the house so I can afford to stay home at least part-time. DP is OK with this in principle (the house is mine) even though he'd need to work part-time too, and I'm soothing myself with the current market looking wobbly and telling myself that at 26 there's plenty time to get myself back on the housing ladder when DS is older and we're in a better financial situation.

I could rent a bigger house in a rural setting with a bigger garden for 2/3 of what I spend each month on our mortgage and insurances. OK, it wouldn't be mine, but what price time with DS? And this house isn't a dream home - it's a poky little terrace which is already a bit tight around the shoulders.

I'm going to go back to work and see how it goes but I can see me struggling. The longer I know DS the harder it's getting to even consider leaving him behind on weekdays - I was a committed career girl with a job I adored but I don't really care about that any more .

Is this lunacy?

What age is your DS CSB ?

If he is still very young i.e. 6 months or less ? It does get a bit easier when they are slightly older so if I were you I would delay as long as possible before making a decision by using your full year of mat leave and then extended parental leave at the end. Is there no chance that you can cut some of your hours or perhaps do condensed hours i.e work 3 really long days rather than give up completely.

It's just that giving up your job and selling your house are huge steps and to me I would want to look at all the in between options before I did that.

Oh sorry I didn't realize that you started the ghread that will teach me to skim read.
Some of my previous post still applies. Is there anyway at all you can delay going back because I certainly wasn't ready when DS was 6mths but I was gagging to go back when he was 11mths.

Message withdrawn

Oooooh I'm all dizzy about this now.

It's a repayment and the (currently very favourable) fixed rate ends in May. To even keep our heads above water I will need to switch to interest only. If I sell then, with a few cheap jobs done to spruce up the house, I should make a little on it which if I was prudent could become a tidy deposit in years to come.

I can't really put off going back because DP hates his job and is really looking forward to leaving. He's also a little worried about being home with DS now it's approaching though, and I suspect a better all round compromise would be both of us working part time if my boss would go for it.

The more I think about it the more tempting it seems. Even if I was to keep working F/T I wouldn't be in such financial shit if we were just renting, and I also wouldn't be living in fear of the boiler breaking or all the other stuff that wouldn't be my responsibility if I was renting.

In a few years' time when kids are at school/older DP and I can both work F/T and then think about buying again. And we'd hopefully have the deposit. And we'd be in a better position to put money aside because rent is cheaper. And the other day I read a prediction that houses might be worth 13% less by 2012!

Most of these predictions are about as accurate as tea leaves but it made me feel much better

TBH i wouldn't sell your house - you are on the housing ladder already and it may be mighty difficult to get back on it in the future

I honestly think you should go back to work and see how it goes - don't make any decisions before you have been back for at least 3 - 6 months

i went back to work FT when DS was 6 months old - the thinking about it was much worse than doing it!

i would just wait and see - you may be pleasantly surprised

I agree with you about trying to work part time. Its the best of all worlds and you can't put a price on that time with your kids. It goes so quickly and before you know it they will be at full time school and then time with them becomes very limited. Having said that I would not recommend selling your house if you can possibly avoid it. Could you consider a lodger/foreign students or even renting it out for a while? Or possibly buying something else in a cheaper area? I know there are all these predictions about property prices falling but I really don't think over the long term this will be the case and you may find you are really struggling to get back onto the property ladder in years to come. I hope this hasn't confused you even more! Good luck with it all!

Or you could work go back to work 3 days on a trial basis - change your mortgage to interest only - and as rubyslippers says see how work goes - you may decide to up your hours. If you really hate it and want to quit - then you could decide to take more drastic action with the house later. Nothing to be lost by delaying things for a while.

Hmmmmmm.

The thing is, I can't really rent a room (2 up 2 down and spare room (ie DS's room if he ever leaves ours!) is teeny and full of cot/computer/futon, and also handily contains all the storage cupboards for the house thereby leaving us with no space if we took in a lodger. Also a lodger in such a small house might be a bit uncomfortable, esp with us having a small and noisy baby.

My income from renting this place out wouldn't cover the mortgage. And we really don't want to move. We could get a better house if we moved nearer to DP's family I suppose but it's not an area we like very much and it's all dependent on me finding work there. And if we wouldn't be happy what's the point?

My income when I go back F/T will be less than pre-ML income because I can't realistically do any on-call at the moment. I'm already worried about how my sleep-deprived self will cope with working days. As it stands we have some savings to make up the shortfall which would keep us going for around 6 months maybe. Thereafter we'd be short each month.

This house isn't a dream home, it was just meant to be a starter property for us ... then DS arrived and all our plans have gone to pot! Had we still been childless we might even have been looking at improving this place and moving to a bigger house in the next year ... timings, eh?! Also, the way house prices are in this area most FTBs now couldn't afford this property, and it's too tiny for a family really. So I'm thinking the sooner I get rid of it the better in some ways - less to worry about, less responsibility, and I'm young enough with good prospects to earn more when I concentrate on my career again that we could realistically buy a house at a later date (and have a deposit which we didn't have to buy this one).

Hmmmmmmmm. Food for thought.

Can your DP get a different job ?

After all it seems that the main reason that he is becoming a SAHP is because he doesn't like his current job rather than necessarily showing any enthusiasm about being a SAHD.

I obviously don't know what its like for a bloke but I would imagine it's hard being at home all the time with a baby if you don't have a network of other parents which is a lot harder for a man to build up.

Therefore as you obviously don't want to go back to work F/T it seems to me that if he got a different job then you may not need to.

DP has always wanted to be a SAHD and as I have greater earning potential (and don't like kids!) we always said that's how we'd do it.

Now it's crunch time I think he's a bit scared and I actually love my kid ... [naive emoticon]

We couldn't survive on his income alone, we'd have to sell up then

Ok just thought it was worth asking about your DP.

Any chance at all of doing compressed hours or even reducing your hours a bit? It doesn't sound like it but honestly working 4 days a week makes a big difference, or failing that if you could finish a bit earlier then your DS won't be at that unattractive grumpy tired stage when you get home.

I'm just asking all this because I nearly gave up my job as they wouldn't agree to my original p/t request. We compromised, I went back and it is absolutely fine and DS has a riot at the child minders.

Anway rookietoddler has woken up, must go and feed him something.

It is so diificult to decide what to do, you have so many options! I went back to work when ds was 6months but only for 2 days a week, he was with his dad one day and grandparents the other, even then I found it hard but once you do it a few times it gets easier and although I love spending time with my son I like being able to work as well.

It is so nice that your husband wants to be a SAHD and that he has the opotunity to bond with his child, so many men don't get that chance.

Sorry I can't help with your decision, I hope you manage to resolve it.
xx

Just a quick question - do you like/ enjoy your job? If you're happy at work most things will then fall into place. I'm probably a better mum for working. I really look forward to being with the children when I'm at home.

Don't get me wrong - I would prefer to work p/t if I could, but it isn't possible.

I went back to work full time with no.1 at 4 months, then back to work with no.2 at 6 months. No.1 is 4years old & No.2 is now 10 months old.

Dad looks after them on Mondays, in-laws on Tuesdays, then Nursery Wed-Fri. It's a juggle but they enjoy it all.

All you can do is try it for yourself ... you'll have your own answers in 6 months.

I love my job - it's more of a vocation.

A colleague has been round today for a chat - well, I count her as a friend. She's a fair bit older than me, has worked longer in the business and has no kids and no desire for kids.

I explained that I thought we might sell up and rent and she started talking in 'investment' terms ... I don't care about investments! And then when I dipped my toe in the water about part-time she said she didn't think the boss would go for it at all and if there was a part time job going she'd want it anyway

Obviously I need to talk to the boss about it if I decide that's what I want but I'm going to see how full time goes first. And obviously she's going to get first dibs on part time if that's what she wants ... but I guess I'm just because she has so little understanding of where I'm at now and I'm sure she has her own reasons for wanting me back full time (we're the two most experienced/widely-useful people there so she's had to work hard while I've been off).

I can see us having to move unless F/T is much much easier than I am expecting. And I am committed to going back now because I said 6 months - don't like to mess people around just because I can't get my head straight.

{CSB btw!}

Well you can change your mind about the 6 months - its your right to do that. It isn't messing them around, almost everyone I know who has taken maternity leave has ended up taking a bit more than they originally planned - its deliberately set up that you don't have to give a return date until I think 28 days before you plan to go back.

With regard to wanting part time - in the eyes of the law - you have more of a right to that than your colleague as you have a child under 6. Your employer has to consider flexible working and has to give a good reason why not if they cannot accommodate you. If you want help with making a flexible application - please ask - both myself and flowery have had loads of experience of this and would be happy to help (I think I can speak for flowery! ). HTH

Thank you very much.

I work for a tiny business and the boss is more of a friend than a boss and he's been really good to me but any other mothers we employ work in the office side of things whereas I'm required to be on call and work out of hours etc. So he's never really been faced with these issues before. And I don't want bad feeling.

I'm going to have a go and see how I get on.

OK -glad you are feeling a bit better about things. As part of your request for flexible working, consider how the work could be rearranged. Don't forget if you reduce your hours they will be paying you less money and so will have some flexibility to pay someone else to do part of your work if necessary. Very good website here