Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Has anyone regretted giving up work?

39 replies

Crazymummyto4 · 22/09/2021 21:48

Since I returned to work a couple of months ago following my maternity I have dropped my hours to one day a week. I love the job, but it's very busy and so much more than one day a week so I'm finding that emails, phone calls, extra little visits into work etc are creeping in to every day so I'm effectively doing the same job I was before but on half the pay. At the moment it works for us though as I can work it round my husband's hours so we don't have to pay for childcare.

My husband has been offered a new job which is no longer shift work, meaning we would need to put our children into childcare and get a dog Walker for the day we both worked. We would also not have any childcare provision for our eldest who is at high school but had SEN so can't be left in the house on his own. If I left work I would be able to claim Carers Allowance for our son and we would be in the same financial position as we would if I continued working and paid for childcare. I know that the sensible decision would be for me to leave work and be there for the family rather than trying to spread myself too thin across many areas, but it's a big decision. Has anyone else been in the same position and given up work? How has it worked out for you?

OP posts:

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 22/09/2021 21:59

Hang on, your DH gets a job offer and the sensible thing is for you to give up work? Why?

Surely the sensible thing is for him to appreciate that this isn't the right time to accept that job now.

Has he explored flexible working or part time with them? I'm guessing not.

Lasttimeneveragain · 22/09/2021 22:07

MN is full of women who pay to work, based on some delusional idea that your increased sense of self esteem will be able to pay the mortgage.

I wonder if it is generational. My mum and a lot of women I know her age genuinely couldn't fathom that I was financially better off working part time when I had DS2. Plus I wasn't frazzled and chasing my tale everyday.

Timf · 22/09/2021 22:14

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Hang on, your DH gets a job offer and the sensible thing is for you to give up work? Why?

Surely the sensible thing is for him to appreciate that this isn't the right time to accept that job now.

Has he explored flexible working or part time with them? I'm guessing not.

Yes, he has explored many different options and gave up his previous career to relocate from a job that he loved so that we could live near my home area so he's already given up a lot. As he is going to be the person who is working full time I feel that it's more important that he's doing the job that is right for him.

Timf · 22/09/2021 22:17

@Lasttimeneveragain

MN is full of women who pay to work, based on some delusional idea that your increased sense of self esteem will be able to pay the mortgage.

That's exactly the thing, I've worked since being 15 but now we have four children (one has ASD, and we also have a toddler and a baby) and a job with an unrealistic workload so I feel Iike I'm chasing my tail in whatever I'm doing. At the moment I don't feel like I'm doing anything well as I'm trying to do too many things.

HandlebarLadyTash · 22/09/2021 22:31

Pension, pension, pension - giving up work now will really affect your future

Elieza · 22/09/2021 22:47

When you just take a job you have very little security until you’ve been there two years.

So if it went Pete tong and he lost his job you’d be stuffed without your income.

So unless you have significant savings I’d suggest keep the job and start being more strict with yourself as to what you can and can’t get done in a day. Just until you know DHs job is secure.

Do either of the jobs offer wfh or flexible working or anything that could help?

Needanewadventure2021 · 22/09/2021 22:54

Wouldn't you worry about losing part of yourself? One of my best friends has had 7 years out to be a SAHM and has recently got back into work. She feels a different woman. She doesn't regret the time she has taken out to raise her family and run the home however she says working again has made her feel like she is more than a Mom and a homemaker, it's given her her independence again. I personally couldn't imagine not working. I need a separation from being Mom. It's the best job in the world but I'm still me and deserve some separation, which I get from work, as I cant afford a social life.

If giving up work enables you to be efficient and you won't lose income then it could work for you, as long as you have a supportive DH who sees you as his equal despite the income difference

Timf · 22/09/2021 23:06

@Elieza

When you just take a job you have very little security until you’ve been there two years.

So if it went Pete tong and he lost his job you’d be stuffed without your income.

So unless you have significant savings I’d suggest keep the job and start being more strict with yourself as to what you can and can’t get done in a day. Just until you know DHs job is secure.

Do either of the jobs offer wfh or flexible working or anything that could help?

His job is in the same organisation, just in a different department. My job is flexible at the moment meaning that I can work one of the days in the week when he is off, and my husband is also working flexibly to spread his hours so he gets a day off in the middle of his shifts. The new role would be a lot less stressful for him, which in itself would improve family life

Seeleyboo · 22/09/2021 23:10

Name change fail OP

Sunflowers095 · 23/09/2021 20:50

@Lasttimeneveragain

MN is full of women who pay to work, based on some delusional idea that your increased sense of self esteem will be able to pay the mortgage.

Ah yes let's ignore having a pension, future earning potential, financial independence... What a silly thing to say.

Needanewadventure2021 · 23/09/2021 20:54

@Sunflowers095 exactly this

MrPanks · 23/09/2021 21:13

Hi OP, when my DD was small, I went back to work 3 days a week - I hated it and felt terribly guilty. We had very expensive childcare and I barely broke even. However, I continued to progress up the career ladder and of course had my work based pension. 11 years later, and looking back, it is the best thing I could have done. My DH was made redundant last year, so we really relied on my very stable job. I have steadily increased my hours to 4 days over the past few years and whilst I always work more than my contracted hours, I earn more doing 4 days a week than my DH does in 5 and he works more hours. Keep your job, it's an investment in your future. You never know what's round the corner. Might not seem like it now, but it will pay dividends in the longer term. And is at this as someone who has a very happy marriage, friends that I envied for being SAH mum's have had marriages go belly up, and they are stuffed financially now.

MrPanks · 23/09/2021 21:18

Plus, I have made some very solid friendships at work and it is a life outside of my marriage and motherhood, which I really like. I know that's not important to a lot of people but I really appreciate those relationships.

MrPanks · 23/09/2021 21:18

That said, my job can be really stressful, so isn't a bed a roses my any means!

Embracelife · 23/09/2021 21:22

pension, future earning potential, financial independence..

Exactly

Why why only the mother has to give up earnings?

arrangeyourface · 23/09/2021 21:41

I don’t have children and one of the reasons I chose not to is because I never wanted to give up my independence.

I am married now and we are both high earners, but having been in an abusive first marriage in my teens, I made the decision that I would never be reliant on a man again and I have not been.

Too many women think that their DP is sort of ok, they have a mediocre career or are in a minimum wage job and it might be nicer to just give up work and have kids instead then potter about seeing them through nursery and school. I see it time and time again on MN where a poster has given up her job to have kids then the DP has left and they are fucked.

Needanewadventure2021 · 23/09/2021 22:18

I am a single Mom and have worked since my child was 11 months old. I'm on a sole, low income now and get little financial help from his absent Dad. I've found raising my child alone hard, most of the time I am constantly on the go but I have never wanted to give up work for so many reasons others have said. I've never had a partner to rely on financially and even if I did why is it the Mom's job so sacrifice so much and risk her independence for a man who could one day turn around and say he wants out. Plus I'd never want to be in a position where I am having to explain how I am spending money and/or asking for it/getting an allowance. How insulting is that. I've read many posts before on MN where SAHMs get a very small allowance from their husbands. Imagine giving your other half/your equal a monthly allowance!!!!
I've always been very independent. Being able to pay my way and pay a mortgage does not contribute to my self esteem but even if I was in the happiest of relationship with the most supportive understanding partner, this is my life and I am not willing to sit back and raise children and look after the home whilst my other half is able to better themselves.
I think its pretty hard for any family when children are young. But thats just how it is. Once they are grown you very rarely will be able to regain all that time lost on yourself back

Timf · 23/09/2021 22:39

I'm not sure why so many people are assuming that we're going to split up or that I would have to ask for permission to buy things if I didn't work! I have been with my husband for 21 years and married for 18 years and we are in a very solid relationship! There have been times when I've earned more than him but it's always been seen as 'our' money. At the moment it isn't working as I'm working a job which is paying me for one day a week but eating into several days so I'm spreading myself too thin. We have discussed me going full time and my husband staying at home, and I would potentially earn more money than him, but at this moment in time we both feel it would be more beneficial for me to stay at home as my husband has a good pension in his job so in the long run that would be the correct option. One of us need to be here for our eldest child

BrownCurlsAmberEyes · 24/09/2021 12:33

I'm not sure why so many people are assuming that we're going to split up or that I would have to ask for permission to buy things if I didn't work!

To be fair, OP, mn is full of women talking about being in a very difficult financial position because they gave up work and then their marriage has fallen apart and/or their DH still views his wage and his own wage, rather than the family wage. They are unhappy where they are but don't feel they can financially leave. It's such a tough spot for them to be in.

If that never becomes your fate then that's genuinely good news - but by asking on here, the answers you get will be skewed based on what people have read, observed or lived.

Needanewadventure2021 · 24/09/2021 12:40

OP the comments you are going to be getting are from real life experiences. No one is assuming your marriage is going to end, but I bet hundreds of women didn't think there's was going to end either when they decided to give up financial independence to raise their family and allow their partner to be the breadwinner. But it still did and they've been left in the shit! Raising a family and running a home is a very important job in itself but it's also a massive risk to give up a career and something for yourself.

I personally wouldn't do it

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 24/09/2021 12:47

I'm not sure why so many people are assuming that we're going to split up or that I would have to ask for permission to buy things if I didn't work!

Nobody thinks they're going to split up. But many, many, many couples do. Often one partner has no idea and thinks the relationship is very solid until the other side chucks a hand grenade in it. You should always have a plan for what you'll do if you split up if you leave a job.

Only one partner working also changes the power dynamic in a couple and it's far from rare for the non-working partner to end up without free access to the family funds.

BootsScootsAndToots · 24/09/2021 13:19

Interesting thread OP. I also have wondered this as I'm currently flitting back and forward to thinking I just want to step off the career ladder to, I'd be really bored without that stimulation I get from work.

You're really lucky to have a very part time role! That alone would make me think hang onto this if you can.

I'm finally doing 4 days (although my preference would be 3) but apparently my role can only be done full time 🤨

I've just moved into a new area so for now I'll stay working but I really don't have a strong motivation like I did in my 20s or 30s. I'm early 40s now and just want to take this decade off 🤐

TastyToastie · 25/09/2021 10:25

I think having a child with SEN can change your options beyond recognition. Giving up work gave me back the mental health I needed to keep the family together and keep my autistic child functioning in mainstream school.

I get that there's more of a safety net if you're both working, I'm really not stupid, and I worry about pensions. However I think anyone who says they'd never give up work, under any circumstances, can't see past the end of their nose.

Of course I don't know if I'll regret it in 20 years, but no one ever does. So far it's been a positive choice that has brought us back from the brink.

Timf · 25/09/2021 16:19

@TastyToastie

Of course I don't know if I'll regret it in 20 years, but no one ever does. So far it's been a positive choice that has brought us back from the brink.

Exactly this! Our son has autism, has just started secondary school and isn't coping well, there are no wraparound options available for him and he is unable to catch the school bus or be home on his own so he needs one of us at home. Unless you've lived through looking after someone with SEN it's hard to fully understand. I'm trying to look at it as a pause in my career for our family needs rather than the end of my career.

Runaround50 · 27/09/2021 20:29

You have to do what so right for you and your family,
Personally I would not jack in any employment totally ( and i speak from experience ) I quit teaching, had kids, was about to return to the profession and got struck with breast cancer. Took years to get well and by that time, I was so tired, I didn’t return.

Spent years doing poorly paid jobs and still am , now aged 50, earning 1/3 of my teacher wage.

You never know what life is going to chuck at you. Stay in employment if you can.

I do appreciate that having a child with sen can be tough and demanding.

Take time to think through your options and pause for thought.
Nothing is for ever and if you did give up work, you could always return doing something else.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread