Have you given up a career?

[iwanttobeonleave]

I'm tired of my 27 year long professional career. It's exhausting and draining and I've given my everything.

I've had three kids along the way so there's been huge sacrifices.

I'd love to stop, to give it up, but Stepping off the ladder feels extremely scary, not only financially (I need to work) but also because of the fact it's so much of my identity, if I'm not that workaholic professional lady who am I?

I'd love to chat to others who may have already done this, or considering it?

Following as completely burnt out. Have you the option to take a career break to get some time and space without burning any bridges?

I didn't give up my career but after 1st DC I took a long break during which I had 2nd DC, which then turned into maternity leave.

I then went back to my old job for a bit (I was lucky they had me back), but it was exhausting with 2 little ones, so I completely changed and went self-employed. Things are much much better now.

There's nothing wrong with taking a break or slowing down a bit.

A question for you:

If salary or income wasn’t such an issue, what kind of work or what kind of field would hold your interest? Or would you simply enjoy a complete break from responsibility?

I left my career as a solicitor although I hadn’t worked nearly as long as you. My DDs were small so I had that ‘mum’ identity and they kept me busy. I then actually got another job (wasn’t intending to), better paid for fewer hours which was amazing and showed me there was another world out there to the one I was used to!

From my experience, it’s the thought of it and uncertainty that’s scary, once you do it, it can actually be great!

I wonder if it'll get easier as the children get older? The youngest is 6 so still a way to go until their more independent.
It's that age old problem of not being able to do anything 'well' and feeling constantly compromised. It's really tough.
Needless to say I've always worked FT, with negligible mat leave and statutory holidays.

So Goddamn tired!!!

Currently applying for jobs which pay literally 50% of my current doctors salary.
I need out and I need happiness

I have. I handed in my notice for what was going to be a temporary 2 year period to allow my DH to focus on growing his own business whilst youngest DD was still pre-school. That was 8 yrs ago!

I'm going to leave aside the finance question as that is such an individual thing and depends on so many different factors. But I can totally relate to your comment re: identify and 'place' in society. I was always quite proud of my work title & qualifications. Suddenly not having that obvious status made me really question myself for ages. I know it shouldn't matter... but it did to me! An innocent 'so what do you do' question from a new acquaintance became a minefield, and I'd find myself stuttering & muttering, talking about what I 'used' to do etc...

I'd say it took me a good couple of years to get past that and find my worth in other things. I do a lot of charitable/voluntary work now which is very rewarding and gives me something to talk about.

But more importantly, I'd say my eyes have been well and truly opened to the ludicrousness of the way we value work and being at the grindstone all the time. When did we decide that life was just be born/slave to work/die? As long as you have enough financially to do what you personally want/need to do, then spending life constantly slaving away for more, just so you have an identity, seems like a bit of a lie we've all been sold?

I may yet return to paid work at some point (I realise I am EXTREMELY lucky that our gamble paid off and the business succeeded). No (work) decision needs to be forever; but if you are really feeling like you want the break, what you don't want to do is wait until it's too late.

I did - I had a highly paid London career for which I'd done 5 years of exams, did it for about 17 years. Got fed up with the grind, and wanted to move out of London, but as what I did was pretty specialist I knew I'd have to give up that particular career as there simply aren't any jobs in it where I wanted to move to. Took a massive pay cut (if you factor in bonuses etc I now earn about 1/3 of what I used to) and moved into a more 'general' office job with no real career path as such - whilst it still has its days and can be stressful, being 'off the wheel' of promotions, career development, travel, client meetings and schmoozing and the like was definitely the right move for me. The one big and obvious downside is money - not so much the money itself but how I saw myself via the lens of it if that makes sense? I'd always been the one who could to treat friends and family, buy expensive shoes, have exotic holidays at the drop of a hat etc, and all of a sudden I was someone who had to save up for a week in Majorca and was looking for Pizza Express discount codes!

I am happier though, and I don't regret it at all.

Do you have to work full time?
My job is very intense, but I love doing it a few days a week. It would be completely different if I had to do it full time. Then once you've recovered, you can make the decision about whether it's your actual job that you dislike, or just that you've got too much on.

I'm basically in the middle of treading the line of this sort of shift.
I had my first child 8 years ago, and have since really struggled with the balance between my professional identity and being the kind of mother I want to be. Work was always a big part of my identity, like you say. I struggled with feminism, with how going part time put a cap on my career. I initially really "leant in".
But over the last 3 years I had a difficult pregnancy, then Dad had terminal cancer, then I was diagnosed with cancer when my youngest was 1 (last year). My kids were amazing through the challenges of the last year and really had my back. Work were excellent too and I have gone back to my part time role. But I am off the career treadmill. I will stay part time until the kids are in secondary, and I intend to retire at 60 to spend time with my husband (who will be state retirement then) so we can do some retirement together, in reasonable health I hope. That only gives me 10 years in between, so my career won't amount to much. I won't be the top of anything. Which is entirely fine by me, at last. I will have enough of a pension. Life is too bloody short to spend it working. I've been offered promotion going back, but I turned it down because its too many hours. I just don't want it. I do have the occasional pull when I hear of the career achievements of others, but in the context of my life it just doesn't seem worth it considering what I'd have to do to achieve anything like that. Its been a battle against my personality, but it's the right position to take. For me.

Some great advice and replies. Thank you. Making me feel slightly less alone!!

It's such a complex area, lots of factors at play, Feminism, achievement, self esteem, feeling useful (or not!), the alternatives, etc etc

I think perhaps part of the trouble is is that I know very few women in a similar position, my friends and sisters either don't work, or work part time in fairly stress free environments so I have no one that really understands.

I work in a pretty stressful professional job and after 22 years I think I’d happily stop if money were no object but the whole “who am I” question is there.

Two things which keep me sane:

1. I work 70% across the year (4 days term time but with an early finish one day so two days pick ups, 3 days school holidays). Work being not 5/7 of my week makes it easier to not think about it on my non-working days.
2. My husband does his share of the drop offs/pick ups/we have a part time after school nanny. I probably carry 80% of the mental load but he does all the cooking. Without that balance it would be undoable for me.

My job could do with me working 80% or more really but I keep thinking I can maybe hang on and do that when the kids are older. Although I’m also planning when I can move to a less well paid less stressful job and think that might be feasible in 8 years when I am 50…

I quit

I was a partner at a big 4 accountancy firm. I tried various options but I had just had enough.

In the end I just decided that if my self worth was all coming from what is in the end a job then something was wrong with my life and outlook.

@Glwysen

I quit

I was a partner at a big 4 accountancy firm. I tried various options but I had just had enough.

In the end I just decided that if my self worth was all coming from what is in the end a job then something was wrong with my life and outlook.

What age were you when you made the move? If you don't mind me asking?

43

I haven’t regretted it yet. I have a lot less money but a lot more fun

There was a bit of withdrawal. Going from really stressed and “important” to just not being that person was a process in itself. I’d sort of had it before with maternity leave but this was different. I still have “flash backs” where I’ll wake up in a panic about something work related from before.

I have felt this too. Since having kids it’s been impossible for me personally to meet the ‘always on’ expectations that work expects and not even for great pay. I’m actively exploring lower responsibility jobs and I’m well last caring what anyone else thinks so long as I can feel happier and less stressed out all the time. A break from responsibility isn’t really possible when you have kids but I really hope that a break from work stress must be possible somehow (and with sacrificing a lot financially which is the limiting factor) but I agree with others that it’s better to try it. You can always go back into a high stress profession, if you’ve not been out of it too long doing your low stress thing.

@Glwysen

43

I haven’t regretted it yet. I have a lot less money but a lot more fun

Fun? What's that?!!

@atajs

Currently applying for jobs which pay literally 50% of my current doctors salary. I need out and I need happiness

Gosh that's brave. Good luck

I am also more available now, to my kids, my parents, my friends.

It does get easier as your kids get older (mine were at secondary when I quit), but for me it just got easier to work more - which in the end wasn’t what I wanted

I nearly did. I spent about three years in my mid forties dreaming of any other job - something with no responsibility, working in a cafe, right through to retaining in a different but related role, I even did a lot of self study towards that. In reality I think I was really exhausted by the primary school years - working flexibly and parenting - but the worst of that was over, I'd done the most time intensive bit. I realised I have the skills and qualifications to earn a great salary (for me) and I didn't want to throw that away. I started to take my career in the direction I wanted again and I was surprised to find I was starting to find it really rewarding. More so than I ever have. I have changed team now and I absolutely love my full time role. I look forward to work and the time passes quickly. The dc are both sixth formers now and we are staring empty nest in the face, financially very secure and planning for our retirement too!

I left a much-loved but v stressful job with v family-unfriendly hours when I was in my early 30s with two babies. I went freelance and worked flexibly for about 10 years, including a few years overseas while the DCs were little with DH's job.

DCs now teenagers and I'm mid-40s, back working f/t in a different but related career, and so happy/lucky to have had that break when I and the family needed it.

I'm working at a relatively senior level, I think I'm well paid and whilst there are stressful days, especially during the pandemic (health sector related but not front line), I have huge job satisfaction and I'm doing something I really believe in.

I think whatever decision you make, it needn't be forever, and there is always a route back, or forward. Trust your gut, it knows you better than you know yourself.

I did this.
I was 40. 18 years, three kids, a six figure salary and absolutely wiped out to the point that I felt I couldn't function either in work or home.
That was five years ago. I don't regret it one bit as I didn't feel I had a choice at the time, something was going to break otherwise. We didn't need the money and as a household we don't miss it. I missed my financial independence - being able to book a weekend away with my friends without thinking about it or being able to spend on clothes. Changing my car and realising it was the first car I hadn't paid for myself. First world problem but it was how I'd become used to things.
I did not miss work. It had become a total source of stress to me. When I was ready, I started to do odd projects either voluntarily or for pay. Only good quality work that I enjoyed and that helped me keep a good network up.
Last year I got an opportunity from someone I worked with and I now do ongoing part-time work with them. I am no longer the main person in charge but again the work is good quality and stimulating. I can take time off as I need.
Sorry, this is long but I guess what I'm saying is that you have to make the decision that seems right for you now. If you are senior and have a good network, keep that intact and use it for different opportunities that are still at your level.
Good luck.

I've been feeling so isolated about this, thanks for sharing your experiences.

Thanks for showing me that I'm not necessarily failing by feeling like this!

Hi! Yes, I was in a profession, which I stopped working in for a few years when I felt DSs needed me at home (DH's work takes him abroad a lot & Au Pairs & teenagers wasn't working). I went back for a couple of years, but things had moved on in a direction I struggled to keep abreast of. I started working in a field that was similar, but didn't require the same level of professional qualifications. My skills were definitely transferable to the new job. I love it, I don't care that I earn less (about 2/3 my previous salary). Not only do I prefer the work, I also love that, once home, I don't have to do any work-related tasks, my free time is exactly that.