Being forced to tell team

[DizSquiz]

Hi

I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Still early days imo, first pregnancy, I only told my boss at 16 weeks.

I'm quite a private person and don't feel the need to rush these things. I could have (and now feel like I should have) left it and only told them at 24 weeks which is the legally required time to tell them by.

Anyway I told my boss I didn't really want to share the news yet, as it's still early and things can still go wrong, I'm a very anxious person and also highly introverted and don't want any attention drawn to myself.

Fast forward to today, a whole week later, and I'm being asked when I'm telling the team (in a demanding tone of voice)!

Aside from this I'm 100% that he has actually already told some of my team which I'm not happy about.

AIBU?

It's my life isn't it? What's the rush? I don't understand the need to tell people at work yet when some of my friends don't even know yet and won't know for a while!

I told my work, including manager, as late as I could. Partly due to the work culture but also because I'm a private person. Do what is right for you.

You don’t have to “tell” them at all. It’ll be obvious soon enough.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

You don’t have to “tell” them at all. It’ll be obvious soon enough.

Sorry I should've said that I'm still remote working

Your manager presumably needs to start planning for your leave: hiring cover; transitioning projects; managing leave, to name a few.

If you didn’t want them to know you shouldn’t have said anything. Now it’s known the business need to start planning.

Torn. Don’t get me wrong, I think you have every right to your privacy. But sorting out my maternity leave took weeks - I told work at 13 weeks and we were still having to iron out details the week before I went off. So slightly YABU when the risk is so low and it would benefit your team to be able to plan.

Ultimately it’s totally up to you but depending on your job I can understand why your senior team would like it to be known ASAP once you’re past the first trimester if it’s operationally important. Things could go wrong up to the day of the birth - when do you think you’ll be comfortable with the risk?

I'm the same as you. Thankfully last pregnancy when I was in the midst of pretty bad pre-natal depression, my manager told all the team and other colleagues I work with, and told them all the keep their mouths shut and not talk to me about it unless I started the conversation. They were all lovely and respected my privacy. This time I've only told the people who will be immediately affected by my leave (bonus of WFH) and I have no intention of making a big announcement because frankly it is my private information.

@PegasusReturns

Your manager presumably needs to start planning for your leave: hiring cover; transitioning projects; managing leave, to name a few.

If you didn’t want them to know you shouldn’t have said anything. Now it’s known the business need to start planning.

Yet he's giving me new projects to work on?

@Dollywilde

Torn. Don’t get me wrong, I think you have every right to your privacy. But sorting out my maternity leave took weeks - I told work at 13 weeks and we were still having to iron out details the week before I went off. So slightly YABU when the risk is so low and it would benefit your team to be able to plan.

Ultimately it’s totally up to you but depending on your job I can understand why your senior team would like it to be known ASAP once you’re past the first trimester if it’s operationally important. Things could go wrong up to the day of the birth - when do you think you’ll be comfortable with the risk?

This is it, it's not a low risk pregnancy. He is aware of that.

@DizzySquirrel90 well in that case it’s completely different. If it’s just for ‘my privacy’ that’s one thing but if it’s a high risk pregnancy that’s totally different. If I’d known that I would have responded v differently... I hope your pregnancy has as few as possible complications and all turns out well

I had this in my last pregnancy (numerous miscarriages, IVF, high risk, had to tell mgr early as I was as sick as a dog).

Mgr kept going on about telling people so I sent an email to HR cc’ing asking at what point I had to tell the team. If I remember correctly HR said legally the team didn’t have to be told at all.

I get where you’re coming from, because I’m also quite private at work about my home life

But I lost my first pregnancy after 20 weeks following weeks of bad news and tests, and honestly one of the worst parts of coming back to work was seeing people who didn’t know
Several ‘oh I haven’t seen you around for a while’ sort of comments which made me want the ground to swallow me up

I asked the colleagues who knew to keep it to themselves and with hindsight, it wasn’t a great idea

Plus, as others said, the practicalities of the company potentially having to advertise for maternity cover, and then your team seeing the job posting?

It sounds a little like your boss has already let your news slip to one or more people so it would be much more convenient for them if you start sharing your news more widely ASAP.
If I were you I’d consider whether it means that much to me to keep my private life private. If not, and if it helps your team prepare for your leave, then perhaps just let them know (they’ll find out at some point anyway). If you are certain that you want to keep this to yourself (for any reason at all) then just tell your boss that you will let them know when you wish to tell other colleagues.
Good luck

Sorry, reading that back, it is far too negative and I absolutely hope you don’t have any bad news at all to share with anyone

Wishing you a very uneventful rest of your pregnancy

I had a high risk pregnancy with 2nd tri complications that could have led to a loss. I told my managers at 11 weeks because covid had just kicked off and I needed to be withdrawn from face to face work. I didn't tell the wider team until I was 25 weeks, but did experience a little bit of pressure from managers to let them announce it sooner. I just told them I appreciated they wanted to make plans but that I wasn't comfortable telling people I wasn't close to, or who didn't desperately need to know, before I got over the viability gestation. I'm not sure if YABU or not really- I agree with you that you should be entitled to privacy but also can see that your work probably want to make plans for your absence that might involve other team members.

My old manager tried to do the same to me, I was high risk and my pregnancy was complicated in no small part due to his bullying, but it is not legal.

However from a legal point of view, you don’t even have to tell your employer until 25 weeks, you are under no compulsion to tell your colleagues unless you want to and if the conversation persists I would inform your manager that this makes you uncomfortable and I’d document with HR.

Even if it is ‘obvious’ you don’t have to disclose anything to colleagues, you wouldn’t have to tell them if you were poorly, you wouldn’t have to tell them if you were getting a divorce. Your manager may have to tell his manager and HR etc but it’s not your team mates right to know this info about you. Regardless if it is for privacy reasons, anxiety or being high risk from a legal stand point there is no compulsion on you to tell your colleagues.

Name change may have failed OP.

@Sleeplessem

My old manager tried to do the same to me, I was high risk and my pregnancy was complicated in no small part due to his bullying, but it is not legal.

However from a legal point of view, you don’t even have to tell your employer until 25 weeks, you are under no compulsion to tell your colleagues unless you want to and if the conversation persists I would inform your manager that this makes you uncomfortable and I’d document with HR.

Even if it is ‘obvious’ you don’t have to disclose anything to colleagues, you wouldn’t have to tell them if you were poorly, you wouldn’t have to tell them if you were getting a divorce. Your manager may have to tell his manager and HR etc but it’s not your team mates right to know this info about you. Regardless if it is for privacy reasons, anxiety or being high risk from a legal stand point there is no compulsion on you to tell your colleagues.

This is what I thought. I originally was going to tell them at about 24 weeks but thought if I tell manager earlier he would appreciate it/gives him and HR some background time to plan. I just wish I had waited till 24 weeks now.

@Percypigg

Name change may have failed OP.

Haha oops

@DizzySquirrel90 just remember it is your right to put your foot down here. Do you work for a big company? Can you go to a confidential HR source and document that this is putting pressure on you when you aren’t ready. I would also say to the manager that you aren’t ready to tell your colleagues and the pressure is making you uncomfortable and putting stress on you.

I’m about 15 weeks too and I just find telling my colleagues over zoom weird, so I don’t want to, but I guess at some point I’ll have to, so at some point if I were you, I would, but it’s your choice as to when.

Your boss should not be sharing your confidential medical information with random members of staff.

Boss should not have told anyone.

I didn't tell my colleagues until 20 weeks, after the second scan. As you are, I was anxious and didn't want attention from colleagues about it.

I think that worked well, it was just before I took 2 weeks annual leave and people had almost forgotten by the time I got back. Mention of the pregnancy was staggered anyway, no big 'congratulations' type conversations thankfully.
But it gave enough time to get mat leave sorted, any duties no longer reasonable for to do were reassigned and there was some understanding when I was off for health reasons at one point.

If your boss has told any of your colleagues, then he has breached GDPR. He cannot share your medical information with anyone.

Arranging maternity cover does not involve telling your colleagues.

Ask him outright if anyone knows you're pregnant. If they do, escalate a complaint.

One of our team didn't tell anyone till she was 34 weeks - tbh it felt weird - we had to keep pretending including her in the rota etc while planning elsewhere, it was clear to us that people felt she had played the private life card too much. No one mentioned anything to her about the baby with it arrived, no gifts no gushing...just silence - she definitely got the privacy she wanted.

@Lighttunnelahead might seem weird but at the end of the day it’s still her right, some people just don’t like being the centre of attention or just don’t want their pregnancy being the focus of work xx

I told my boss at 24 weeks because I couldn’t hide it any longer. I had lost my first child the previous year so was very anxious about the pregnancy. She told the rest of the team before a team lunch.
Sorry your boss is pressurising you to tell people.