Being forced to tell team

[DizSquiz]

Hi

I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Still early days imo, first pregnancy, I only told my boss at 16 weeks.

I'm quite a private person and don't feel the need to rush these things. I could have (and now feel like I should have) left it and only told them at 24 weeks which is the legally required time to tell them by.

Anyway I told my boss I didn't really want to share the news yet, as it's still early and things can still go wrong, I'm a very anxious person and also highly introverted and don't want any attention drawn to myself.

Fast forward to today, a whole week later, and I'm being asked when I'm telling the team (in a demanding tone of voice)!

Aside from this I'm 100% that he has actually already told some of my team which I'm not happy about.

AIBU?

It's my life isn't it? What's the rush? I don't understand the need to tell people at work yet when some of my friends don't even know yet and won't know for a while!

I think you’re overthinking about it a bit tbh- I like my colleagues, but if one of them was to announce a pregnancy I would be pleased for them but it wouldn’t take up a lot of headspace.

I never did a big announcement when I was office based with DC1- not for privacy reasons, I just felt a bit awkward. It was obvious to everyone at about 16 weeks anyway!

[quote Sleeplessem]@Lighttunnelahead might seem weird but at the end of the day it’s still her right, some people just don’t like being the centre of attention or just don’t want their pregnancy being the focus of work xx[/quote]
Absolutely but don't get annoyed when people distance themselves from the birth because you wanted your privacy. By being so private over your pregnancy will send people a very clear message - you might not like the impact of that message but it's their right too!

@Lighttunnelahead of course things work both ways, if you never say people don’t know.

Sometimes you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, could be health issues and worrying if baby will make it, things like that can be the driving force behind keeping it quite for so long xx

[quote Sleeplessem]@Lighttunnelahead of course things work both ways, if you never say people don’t know.

Sometimes you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, could be health issues and worrying if baby will make it, things like that can be the driving force behind keeping it quite for so long xx[/quote]
I agree - but people you are close with normally - feel hurt and back off...everyone has their right to emotions.

@Lighttunnelahead true! Obviously with your colleague, don’t know her or her situation.

I think wider colleagues though, ones you have a cordial but are not friends with don’t have a right to feel any kind of way about not announcing a pregnancy. Just my 2 pence lol

[quote Sleeplessem]@Lighttunnelahead true! Obviously with your colleague, don’t know her or her situation.

I think wider colleagues though, ones you have a cordial but are not friends with don’t have a right to feel any kind of way about not announcing a pregnancy. Just my 2 pence lol[/quote]
I agree - I have no idea why she felt the need to delay sharing, we are a small close knit team - no one spoke of the baby after the birth - even when she posted pics, no one responded. Least said the better it felt like, but I did wonder how she felt about the lack of fuss - maybe it suited her?

OP congrats on your pregnancy.

I’d like to offer a different perspective if I may. This isn’t directed at you, it’s more general. People are selfish. To be honest, depending on where you work, a significant majority will simply think about themselves and what your time off means for them in terms of their work. A handful will genuinely care about what the pregnancy means to you.

What does this mean for you? Firstly that you’re right not feeling obliged to tell them because really they’re not going to be that engaged, especially about your well-being . But secondly, perhaps you’re expecting too much from them in terms of their response. For this reason, there really isn’t the need to be so anxious about telling people, it’s not unusual for someone to announce a pregnancy and usually to be honest, it’s not that unexpected either.

I wonder if your anxiety is making “the announcement” feel bigger than it needs to be. In which case it’s really the anxiety you should be focusing on not the announcement. If you’re finding things hard now you’ll really struggle later when people ask you what are essentially a standard run of questions that every new mum gets asked, every one of which involves a bit of over sharing!

In context, I wouldn’t think anything of it if someone announced at 12 weeks or 20 weeks. I would feel uncomfortable if they told me much before 12 weeks, and I would think it was pretty weird not telling me after 20.

Having known people who have had bad news at the 20 week scan, I wouldn't tell work people until after then.

Your boss should not be sharing your confidential medical information with random members of staff

If your boss has told any of your colleagues, then he has breached GDPR. He cannot share your medical information with anyone

I think of pregnancy as ‘life news’, like “I’m getting married” or “My relative died”, rather than medical information. Is this really a GDPR breach?

@HeddaGarbled

Your boss should not be sharing your confidential medical information with random members of staff

If your boss has told any of your colleagues, then he has breached GDPR. He cannot share your medical information with anyone

I think of pregnancy as ‘life news’, like “I’m getting married” or “My relative died”, rather than medical information. Is this really a GDPR breach?

I think we still wouldn't share getting married or relative dying without getting consent to share first.

@HeddaGarbled

Your boss should not be sharing your confidential medical information with random members of staff

If your boss has told any of your colleagues, then he has breached GDPR. He cannot share your medical information with anyone

I think of pregnancy as ‘life news’, like “I’m getting married” or “My relative died”, rather than medical information. Is this really a GDPR breach?

Of course pregnancy is private medical information, nothing like getting married! Especially if it is a high risk pregnancy where having a baby at the end of it is not guaranteed. People aren't required to tell their employers about their pregnancy until week 25 so anything before that is not anyone else's business and is of course medical information.

Just reply that you don't want the team to know yet and will announce when you're ready but not for a few months. You have to tell your boss before 24 weeks, you don't have to tell colleagues ever.

I told my Head Teacher when I was around 6 weeks because it made booking appointments much easier and all were authorised instantly. It’s different in a school though so I couldn’t just take holiday to keep things hidden. She probably would have worked it out pretty quickly anyway. She told the Deputy Head and our Business Manager because my pregnancy needed to be added to the risk assessment but the other two never let on that they knew and only congratulated me when I announced it. Apart from my TA and a couple of my work friends, the rest of the school staff found out when I ‘announced’ it at around 14 weeks.

This was all during covid though so I could have kept it a secret until September when I went back for three weeks before starting maternity. Couldn’t have hidden it then unless I persuaded everyone I had a beach ball up my top.

Your manager shouldn’t be pressuring you to tell anyone. Is there a reason the team need to know?

@CeibaTree exactly! There would never be a scenario when an employee is forced to disclose a medical condition to colleagues so how a manager can think he can force someone to announce their pregnancy is beyond me.

Seriously OP, this is how it started for me in my work place, after I was asked if I was having a termination (of course) and things got progressively worse and at the end of the year I was left with a shitty performance review despite being one of the top performers in the team. I’d document this with HR so you have a record before this escalates.

@Percypigg

Name change may have failed OP.

Why do people post this? Every time!

Things go wrong at any point - there is no 'safe time' in pregnancy or life in general.
If you don't want to say anything, then don't - you have done what you need to legally, although at some point some planning to cover your mat leave will need to be discussed.