Depressed at the prospect of returning to work and leaving my baby

[AnnieGetYourGun78]

I am going back to work - four days a week the first week in january and am dreading it. DS will be nearly 10 months. I could cry whenever i think about it as i am so worried how DS will react to nursery.

i have barely left him in the past 7 months and he is a really poor napper - with me needing to rock him or put him in the stroller to get him to nap....I am worrying how the nursery will cope? i can't stand the thought of him being upset without me there.

Did anyone out there have a similar experience and how did it work out?

Also I am still BF - would switching to formula before or after the move to nursery be best for DS?

Thanks in advance for any postings.

You can keep breastfeeding and send in a couple of bottles of expressed milk, or just do formula at nursery - you absolutely don't need to stop breastfeeding and that end of the day first breastfeed is a great way to reconnect with a baby who's been at nursery. (Your supply will be very well established now and will cope without you feeding during the day - if you do need to express for comfort at first you could either keep that milk to use or even not use it if your ds is having formula.)

You may find he sleeps well at nursery and that's not a problem. However if it is could you reconsider going back to work? If it's really really upsetting you then do consider that. I'd love to be able to write something really reassuring about nursery being 100% uncontroversially fine for small babies, but I'm not now convinced it is (despite having used a nursery for a long time myself). Various bits of research seem to suggest it's not necessarily good for them at all. Now I used to hate reading about that myself - my first dc went to nursery from a very young age for very long days. But in the end I might not have liked reading it but I ended up more convinced that not - I'd use nursery again if I had to but my definition of 'having to' would be different, if that makes sense. It would be a lot lower down my list (also, if I did use nursery again I'd definitely keep breastfeeding going for that reconnecting and attachment in the evenings).

Anyway, I do sympathise, but I didn't want to just say something bland and reassuring about how nursery will be absolutely fine, because people used to say that to me a lot when I had doubts and I felt parts of it weren't going well, but I don't think it ever was particularly fine and with hindsight I wish I'd followed my own instincts more. I heard so many good experiences of nursery, but our own experiences of nursery under two never got above mediocre, I never had that 'oh her carers are fantastic, she loves her nursery' experience that other people seemed to talk about - it was just something that never felt quite right and I wish I'd known more about some of the psychology stuff in particular, and considered dumping it, sooner. So do trust your own instincts and look at your ds, if you think it's not working out well for him, don't be afraid to change your plans.

what you are feeling is normal BTW!

I had to go back when DS was 6 months old

The most important thing is that you are happy with the nursery - have you arranged a settling in session, spoken to other parents about it?

The anticipation of going back is much worse than doing it - and it is much harder on you

you still have over 3 months left on Mat Leave - try to enjoy this lovely time rather than worrying

as for the napping, nurseries are amazing and getting babies to sleep - they will pat, rock etc - that is how they get all the babies napping at DS's nursery at the same time

I am no expert in BF'ing but agree re expressing or by 10 mnths you may be at a morning and evenign feed only?

FWIW, nursery has suited my DS - he has thrived there ...

Thanks Volh - i appreciate your honesty...sadly financially I will have to go back to work but keep hoping i win the lottery or some other miracle.

i have managed to go down to 4 days and my mum is having him 1 day so he will be in the nursery 3 days.but that still seems like a lot.

i have loved the past seven months and i think ds has too - he barely cries because I immediately respond to his needs and now worry that this might have created a rod for my own back as i know the nursery cannot possibly give that level of attention.

Thanks particularly for the BF advice - am defo going to stick with it...make sure DS enjoys at least some of his day :-(

x

You can breastfeed and work. I've done it twice and will help you. What hours will you be working?

Nursery will cope with him just fine. DS2 in particular was a shocking sleeper - for me - but much better for other people.

And you'll be able to read the paper in peace over your lunch break.

Hi Annie, I went back to work four days a week when DS was seven months old. I know how you're feeling, especially when you've spent so much time with just the two of you and got yourself into your little routines, etc. I worried about the sleeping too - my DS had to be rocked to sleep for his naps, but actually since he's been going to nursery he's much better, he goes down for his naps fine there and at home now. He does sleep for less time there though, probably because there are so many things going on, so he's quite tired when he gets home. If he's a bit under the weather and finding it difficult to sleep, they rock him and comfort him, and don't let him get over upset.

After DS's first day at nursery he came home with a bump on his head where he'd fallen over - I remember thinking I'd done the wrong thing and they didn't take care of him well enough at nursery, but since then he's bumped his head enough times at home to know that it was just an accident and they were really good with him, calmed him down, gave him loads of cuddles, etc.

You're bound to be worried, but try and concentrate on enjoying the rest of your maternity leave.

You haven't made a rod for your own back at all - quite the opposite! From everything I've read, the more securely bonded your ds is with you the better he'll cope psychologically with the later (inevitable, regardless of what childcare you use or what you do) separations as he grows up, because the more fundamentally secure and safe he'll feel deep inside. Humans (primates in general even) thrive on secure attachment.

It's not black and white, in any case, even the research about nurseries is only looking at statistical associations not individuals. You sound like a very responsive, sensitive parent and that will really help your ds, even when he's at nursery. Trust that instinct!

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement - I was thinking that everyone must feel like this but am so consumed with my lovely life with my little boy that i just felt like i was in my own bubble of worry!!

The nursery is subsidised by my employer but is not close enough for me to visit at lunchtime (although i considered putting a push bike in my car!!) but I suppose on the upside loads of my colleagues have theur babies there too and I have only heard positive reports.

I will defo continue to bfeed hunkermunker - as my baby is not really a hugger it will continue to give me toms nice contact with him and I suppose if it is not going to well at work it will be like a nice little therapy session for me!!

Thanks too for the advice about enjoying what time I have left - i met set myself a time where i cannot think about it till...although that will be easier said than done!!

Thanks everyone!

Thanks for the reassurance Volh x

I gave up expressing at 10 mo (went back after 6 mo) and DS adjusted fine to a morning and evening (and middle of the night, sigh) feed. Expressing can be a faff and an extra pressure when you first go back, so see how you go .

I think DS has benefited from being with my partner/cm while I'm at work. He gets to socialise with other children and I have realised that my way of doing things isn't the only way. And I get to shop/drink coffee/got to the loo in peace. Honestly, it might be MUCH better than you think.

thanks Ruby slippers - just called nursery and they wil do 3 settle in sessions - the first for 1 hour then 2 for two hours!!

hopefully they will make me feel a bit better - unless they go badly then I will feel worse....oh I need to get a grip!!

the settling in sessions are brilliant

i didn't know whether to laugh or cry when DS had his and didn't even notice i had gone

please try not to worry and enjoy the next few weeks at home with your LO

Hi Annie

I went back full time (five days a week) when DD was 6 months and I was dreading it like you. We also had no chocie because of finances.

So I know how you feel believe me. And I won't lie (I'd rather be part-time or win the lottery as well!). But, you know, it's actually fine (she's now one).

We had initial problems because she wouldn't take a bottle or even cup of expressed milk at nursery. But eventually we got on track. And although I worried about the milk intake, I never had any doubts about the nursery - it's lovely and she has such fun. She kicks her legs with delight when I drop her off and gets straight down to playing, pausing only to wave me off with a smile and to blow me a kiss. When I pick her up, she's happily playing or being snuggled by one of the carers - and she's so happy to see me too! It's lovely.

Like Ruby Slippers says, please don't let it affect your next few weeks with your son.

Oh and I'm still BF - so it can be done.

Good luck.

Thank Effie - the idea of expressing at work does not sound fun - so might just do the morning and evening and (sigh also) - night feeds (feeds plural sadly!!)

x

Oldestcat - I want what you have - it sounds perfect - i might actually be able to enjoy work again if i know he likes nursery!!

thanks x

Fingers crossed he does like it. Just don't worry if it takes a little while. I remember dark days where we agonised over what we were doing - DD was losing weight and it was awful. But it got better and now it's fine. She really enjoys herself at nursery and is a contented little girl.

Enjoy the rest of your maternity leave. And keep posting if you feel worried about stuff. It seems a lot of us have gone through the same thing.

I found the same - ds went to nursery at 6mo - in 'settling in' visit where he was left for 1.5hrs he spent 40mins asleep on a cushion at the side of the room - even though at home he would only sleep in my arms. He always has done well at nursery and now he can talk he can tell me which nursery nurses he likes etc and what he has been doing / who he has been playing with etc.

I bf until he was 22mo - ended up with just morning and night from about 18mo ish - didn't have any problem bf on non-work days during the day. I expressed once per day on work days and this helped to provide sufficient ebm for nursery days until about 12mo.

Hope it goes well for you

thanks mistlethrush - it is reall really encouraging to hear it can work out well !

Annie I am also going back to work the first week in January and have also been getting into a state about it for the last few weeks. It doesn't help that I was supposed to go back full time and when I called my boss to say I wanted to be part time for the first few months she was quite dismissive and hasn't got back to me like she said she would.

I can't even make a decision about which days to work and how many days to put DD in nursery for, so you are doing better than me

My DD will be almost 10 months, and is with me 24/7, plus is BF many times a day and not really eating solids since being ill 2 weeks ago. One more thing to worry about

Really sorry to hear you are in the same - if not a worse boat than me! It is so hard - especially when your boss is not helping either. legally they need to get back to you with a certain period - so maybe write to them again and request a swift response in writing explaining that you need to arrange childcare...my boss was not exactly helpful but we got there in the end.

I requested a wednesday off - depending on whether you are a glass half full or half empty sort of person - you can see a wednesday off as giving you two fridays in the week or two mondays!!

My sympathies are with you - let's keep in touch x x

PS - how depressing is new years eve going to be?! x x

Annie: I have weds off as well and it works really well for us. I'm not away for more than 2 days at a time, I can get stuff done at work and I have a nice break in the middle

Oh Annie, I remember oh so well how this felt! I went back to work 4 days a week when DD was 6/7 months old and I just spent the last few weeks before going back in such a state. DD is at nursery and although it was the hardest thing I've ever done leaving her there, she is so happy there now, her keyworker is just lovely and I feel totally confident about the care she gets. And believe it or not there are loads and loads of things I love about being back at work. Oh, of course there's THE GUILT, the constant rushing everywhere, all the time off for bugs she's caught at nursery but then there's lunchhours, time for email and generally time to exist as myself. I WISH I could go down to 3 days a week but I'm holding that in reserve for No. 2. The anticipation is MUCH MUCH worse than the reality. Just make sure you're completely happy with your choice of childcare. You'll go round and round in circles listening to all the advice/info on here about nurseries v childminders etc. Just trust your instinct. And good luck!

Sydney B - thanks so much for your posting - I have worked myself up into a right state about it but it is good to know that the reality is not as bad hopefully!

Glad to have helped. EVERYONE I know who's gone back to work would agree that the reality is not nearly as bad as the anticipation. It won't be easy at first but you'll just get used to it. Keep me posted!