Am I being picky with new Au pair

[hattiel]

I can't decide if i'm being a bit nit picky about our new Au pair.

within the first two weeks you generally know if its going to work out. However we are now a many weeks down the line, she has settled in,and will only do literally what is required.

She thinks it is reasonable to get paid extra for babysitting at weekends. I have never done this with previous Au Pairs, I clearly stated in our agreement that babysitting possible two nights a week ( although this is rare) inclusive of her duties- could be one evening at weekend.

She eats with the family almost every day including most weekends,thankfully she is not a fussy eater, during the week she will help clear up, but at weekends, when it is her time off, she literally just walks away from the table. After spending hours cooking i would have expected a little help clearing up after with DH and older child. I have not said anything as yet.

I have provided her with a mobile phone, but she seemed really disapointed when she realized it was 50p not £50 of credits left. I just put a one off £3.00 credits and thought this was clear. The phone is so we can contact her if a situation arises, and then she can use as she pleases.

On the whole she seems to fit our requirement ( just extra pair of hands I'm at home all day) she is fantastic with the kids, Ironing is great. Generally pleasent and happy She only does a bit of cleaning and this is hit and miss.

I can't decided if she is testing boundries or just just thoughtless

I know each family has different requirements/expectations but i think its human to have gripe when someone is living your house.

i know Au pairs are always discussing families.

God, sounds like a nightmare.

I have no experience of au pairs but loads of my friends have/have had them.

The situation you describe is exactly why I would never want to have someone living in my house like that. Quite a few of my friends have had similar and it's ended badly.

I;d be pissed off too if I was you, but I imagine all you can do really is correct her on things like the phone and babysitting, where you do actually have some redress, and try to ignore the rest.

Sounds like she is just sticking to exactly what she thinks her jobs entails and no more, I don't think she is testing the boundaries or doing it maliciously. You could speak to her to find out what her expectations are and perhaps come to a compromise or you could change au pairs. I don't have an au pair, as I don't like the idea of sharing my living space with anyone else.

Sounds like she is just sticking to exactly what she thinks her jobs entails and no more, I don't think she is testing the boundaries or doing it maliciously. You could speak to her to find out what her expectations are and perhaps come to a compromise or you could change au pairs. I don't have an au pair, as I don't like the idea of sharing my living space with anyone else apart from family.

I don't think it's right that she doesn't help you clear up/load the dishwasher at the weekends. I would start with that one. If she was your 15 year old daughter, would you expect her to help you?

I think her role as a member of the household obligates her to help clean up. It is her time off, but that doesn't make you her cook.

As for getting paid for weekend babysitting, depends on how the contract is worded really. Shade of grey I think.

My nanny gets paid extra for evening/weekend babysitting. But, her hours, pay, and babysitting rate are clearly spelled out in the contract and relevant e-mail correspondance.

Hattiel, I think this is a really common problem and it drives me up the wall. I had an au-pair who didn't seem to think that she needed to clear up after herself when she'd used the kitchen or whatever, and in the end I just couldn't put up with it. I don't know why it's so annoying, but it is. When a man does it, you resent the implication that you should clean up after them, and for me it's exactly the same with the au-pair.

I think it's because at base, most of the au-pairs are psychologically children rather than adults, and don't really understand the obligation of living as an adult in a household. So unless they're actually on duty, they honestly think it's not their job to clear up after themselves, they think it's yours. (I remember a friend's daughter years ago when told by her mother to carry her own clothes up to her room saying: "I'm not your slave!" - I think many au-pairs, being older teenagers, are just bigger versions of that child!)

I'd be interested to know how you can solve this, because unless an au-pair has been brought up to take some responsibility for household chores, I suspect that this will be a recurring problem with many new au-pairs.

I'd say it was reasonable to pay an au pair for babysitting at weekends - ours gets paid for this, but is expected to do occasional babysitting during the week (though we do pay her overtime if we work late). I wouldn't expect her to help clear up after supper either (tho ours does) - again, I'd see this as her free time.

Think her attitude re the mobile phone was a bit much!

Is it the first time she has been away from home? She may always have had someone running round after her (ours had never made a bed or done any dusting before she came to us - her Mum had done everything for her!).

On balance I'd say she was just thoughtless. It might be an idea to spell out (write down if need be) what you want her to do during the week, and if she doesn't like what you ask, have a chat and ask her what she thinks she is obligated to do. After all, you're not paying her for the privilege of her company!

thanks i think your right, Yes i do find it extemely annoying and confusing, in a lot of ways she appears more mature that other 20year old English girls because of her experienced/abilities with children, but yet she is from a large family, but because she was one of the youngest, maybe less be expected of her.
Our other Au pairs were generally good, helped clear up appreciated things we did for them, helped me unload shopping, lots of consideration on both sides.

Its interesting to hear other peoples experiences. Au pairs have been the best solution for us. DH works long hour, sometimes away from home, and i'm out number by children -so need help with school run and bedtime and no one else willing to do those sort of hours.

Hattie, please set out what you expect her to do (she said pleadingly!). This is the voice of bitter experience - we used to have a nanny who (apparently - according to house guest) used to spend all day lying on sofa reading "Hello!" magazine, watching Daytime TV. I'd come home from work and find toys everywhere, lunch and tea stuff still on kitchen table, plus paints and glitter, and would start clearing up when I got in, while she disappeared off out. With hindsight, I think if we had been firmer from the outset, she would not have taken the piss so much.

for what its worth - just a brief message on behalf of nannies and au pairs: much as she may like/ love yoour children, she isnt working for you for fun! of course it is reasonable to expect her to contribute as any other household member would do with, say , clearing up after supper - but if the other members of your household dont help, then why should she? (clearly i dont know wheyher they do or not, and the ideal is that all help out - but you can see how situation could arise)

of course you dont have to pay for her mobile use, but maybe you guys could just lay out more specifically what you expect from each other - a contract for example - two nights babysitting per week of which one is a wekkend night organised two days in advance for example - extra babysitting at an hourly rate for example.

remember - au pairs are usually employed instead of nannies because they are cheaper and you get what you pay for!

good luck - sure she will repond positively if you are clear and fair.

Hattie, out of curiosity, where is she from? I have had generally positive experiences with Easter European cleaners/au pairs, but I spent a large chunk of my life there so I am probably just used to them.

I have always state in our agreement one day over the weekend end babysitting is part of the duties. ( but this is usually one saturday in four and very rarely during the week).

She from poland. In the past I have had good experiences. But I'm begining to think she has not really read her contract but going off what her friend Au pairs have told her.

The standard au pair contract says that babysitting should not be on a day that would otherwise be a day off, so if Saturday is a day off, I don't think it is reasonable for that to be one of her babysitting nights. I pay my au pair extra for Saturday nights and I let her have her friend over to stay (which works out really well on several levels). I know families who give the au pair Sunday/Monday off, just so that they will be available for babysitting on Saturdays. If you want a different arrangement to a standard contract, you have to communicate it before they accept the position.

As for all the niggly things, we have a similar experience with our au pair. I think we made the mistake of being too nice in the beginning, rather than clearly communicating what we expect. My au pair's English is very poor, so it's hard to tell her to change what she is doing at any one time.

We had a run-in with her after about 2 months and took that as an opportunity to sit down and put everything on paper - making her look up words she did not understand so that there was no misunderstanding. With any au pair, it is good to have a sit-down review after a few weeks to find out what she likes about being an au pair and what she doesn't like etc., and this would be a good time to tell her about your expectations for her to clear up after any meals she has, not just when she's "on duty".

I often wonder if my au pair is 1) dozy, 2) testing me, 3) taking the piss. If it's 2) or 3), she has to be re-told expectations. I've found that she doesn't do anything different to her ways unless I tell her specifically, even if it abundantly clear by my own actions of how I like things done. I don't think my au pair was ever trying to do a great job - it's just a means to an end for her, and she will do as little as she can get away with. It's not exactly a career for her so there's no prospect of promotion or job growth.

I still think it is great having an au pair, even if they are a few disappointments along the way. There are lots of horror stories, so getting someone who is generally nice and does an 80% job is good in itself.

Yes maybe I will re think the saturday night babysitting as extra pay even though I did state in our agreement was inclusive of her 'duties.( in reality babysitting is usually 2 nights a month).

I had brief 'how do you find the work and living here' chat, her English is poor and according to her things are great. I did tell her it would be helpful if she ate with us a weekend to clear up after herself ( afterall the children are expected to)seemed to respond postively.

However i just got home and half the jobs I asked her to do are not done - so I'm a bit peed off about that. I don't know what she has been doing with her time. As usual i wrote everthing down and she was clear about what she had to do.

After having our 'chat' that was positive outcome, Its annoying having to tell her about the stuff she's not done!! it looks like what ever she can get away with she's just left.

i think she either thinks I don't notice or care or i'm a soft touch. or she just could'nt be bothered.

I these are all silly little things in the big scheme of things but equally annoying.

I made a spreadsheet, all colour-coded with different colours for housework, childcare and free-time, and this helped my au pair realise that the work was a serious business. That was a few weeks ago now, and she has slipped again (especially after the lack of routine during half-term).

I think if you want to keep her, you just have to keep telling her - writing it down if the spoken word isn't very reliable.

Your au pair sounds a lot like mine (although less grumpy). There are some things that she does that really get to me (putting clothes away just anywhere - doesn't matter about who they belong to or which drawer they are supposed to be in; loading the dishwasher (it's full with 3 things in it); general food hygiene. But, the daily cleaning, school runs and babysitting make up for it.

I pay my au pair £2 an hour for extra babysitting (in practice, it's either £5 or £10 a session), so it's still a lot cheaper than getting someone in - plus there's the great advantage of not having to come home early.

£2? And I thought I was the slave driver on MN.

Hattiel, is it possible she is pretending to understand more than she really does? She could be nodding and smiling, but in reality hasn't got the full understanding of the conversation.

Ameriscot - Yes I think our Au pairs sound like two of a kind( could be related) Just out of interest how old is she and what nationality?

I have just found out she 'put down her tools' and cleared off after I left the house this morning when she was on duty, a friend saw her at the bus stop. At least I know whats going on.

On the whole its generally worth it for school run and babysitting, but I think she is taking advantage and seeing what she can get away with.

I will have to be a bit firmer wite it down again and or maybe color code jobs.

Recently i have been letting her have extra time off, buying her phone cards for ringing home ect,hoping she will get the message about 'flexibility'

"£2? And I thought I was the slave driver on MN"

But she gets her room & board too (her "pocket money" works out at £2 when she works her full hours). She really isn't doing anything for the money when babysitting. It's my 12-year old I should be paying!

Hattiel - my au pair is 26 and Polish.

Oh, I feel for you. This sounds like my first nanny, who lasted about a month and a half. I made a dail review sheet that I asked her to fill in (food eaten activities, etc. as appropriate for 17 month old toddler). And review it daily/weekly. Not sure how old your kids are. But, perhaps some kind of check list that you review at the end of the week would be good. It would also gove you some documentation if ever you do need to let her go (hope that doesn't happen of course).

I only let her have sole charge of the 5 year old just for the odd hour.

Yes I think sometimes she does pretend to understand.
I might review every few weeks and give her til xmas when she goes home for hoidays and see if there is any improvement. If not I might start looking areound for a replacement as there are other things that get on my nerves.

She does have a good network of friends and likes the social life here and seems happy so i might be in her interest to make some improvements.

Sounds like I have been lucky in the past with pervious Au pairs

I can empathise with her because I was an au pair many years ago (very briefly), and several friends had that sort of experience before university. I've also met a lot of Polish people who are very hardworking but shrewd about money (OK, generalisation I know). I can understand you expecting her to help with washing up, but it's also fair to give her a regular night off (Fridays or Saturdays) so she can plan her social life with her friends, or pay extra if you need to book her on that night. Sounds like a good idea to give her a few more weeks. If she's fantastic with the children that's the main thing. I was in a toddler group the other day and saw a nanny or au pair ignore a poor little boy for an hour while she read a book. When they went home she strapped him up without a word or any eye contact - at least she's not like that.

yes - I can see that it is only fair to pay extra for babysitting on Saturday so we have agreed on that issue. I think she has got the message about clearing up.

Yes I too like Polish people especially the food, culture and like many Central/Eastern European countries the families and extended families seem very close and a great attitude to towards children.

I have been trying to show our Au pair that we are 'fair and flexible' and let her have the odd hour off if she needs to or change her day off. I think this is why I was disapointed when she was skipped off early without doing her jobs.

Hopeful it can be resolved and I think she understands what we expect fainess in return. I will give her til christams and

that's a bit of a cliffhanger! I'm sure you provide a nice environment for her. I don't think I was a very good au pair - I didn't know how to use any of the appliances, didn't have a clue about cooking and as the youngest of my family had never spent time with young children! But they had a lot of patience and I grew very fond of them all.