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Original poster

Genuine question - how much personal info do you share with your colleagues?

71 replies

LookItsMeAgain · 15/04/2021 11:25

I work in a very small team, there is me (woman), my colleague (woman) and my team leader (man). That's it.
My colleague transferred to the team during the second lockdown and I trained them in over the internet and using WhatsApp or whatever software we could use to have online meetings at the time. I've never worked in an office with this colleague being part of my team, only remotely (in case this is relevant).
This colleague has over the past few months divulged when she is on her period, when she has migraines, when she has a smear test, when she has a urinary tract infection.
I'm uncomfortable with this information being shared with me. I don't want to know any of these things about any of my colleagues, whether they are my team mates or not.

My question is twofold. How much personal information do you share with your colleagues and is what I've described considered 'oversharing'??

OP posts:

CommandoDog · 16/04/2021 14:14

I'm allowed to be uncomfortable about this while at work, right? you can feel anything you like - why do you need permission unless - are you wanting to ban period talk at work?

LolaSmiles · 16/04/2021 14:36

CommandoDog
I don't think the OP wants to ban period talk, more she is canvassing how typical it is to regularly share intimate or medical information with colleagues who you hardly know.

I'm quite comfortable with period chat and people saying that they're sore from cramps etc, but I wouldn't be happy if a colleague took our tea break to inform me about the current state of her sanitary products, and when the next time someone is looking up her vagina. Whilst it wouldn't bother me someone saying they had a water infection, I don't need to know if someone is going to provide a urine sample this afternoon .

Some people need to read the room and not overshare.

CommandoDog · 16/04/2021 21:56

@LolaSmiles

CommandoDog I don't think the OP wants to ban period talk, more she is canvassing how typical it is to regularly share intimate or medical information with colleagues who you hardly know.

Some people need to read the room and not overshare.

Was there some reason why you thought the OP couldn't answer my question themselves - did you think they were intellectually limited? How bloody rude of you to assume you can answer on someone else's behalf!

Itsamess8456 · 17/04/2021 07:10

I work in Healthcare and my professional life is involved with talking about body functions and psychological health.

We are midwives so lots of young women in the workforce. Nothing is off limits in conversation and we can talk about quite horrific and highly embarrassing stuff with ease. Add in the combination of night shifts with the same group of collegues, nothing is off limits.

I try really hard to control my conversation filter when out work. Dinner parties are the worst, I see no difference in regaling the tale of when the whole family caught threadworms to discussing the suez canal.

TheRuralLife89 · 17/04/2021 09:40

Surely it depends on the profession and type of workplace (some are more "formal" and stiff than others) and the dynamics within the team.
I work in a large open plan office, our working environment is fairly friendly and not super formal, but we don't really know each other that well (although there are some people within the office who are friends outside of work). So you might share that kind of info down the pub with the person you're friends with, but not in the office in front of everyone.
Personally I wouldn't share any of that apart from maybe the migraine, and I wouldn't want colleagues that I don't know well to over share either. There's a time and a place for everything.

elizabethdraper · 17/04/2021 09:43

My work colleagues didn't know I had a boyfriend until I can in with an engagement ring and booked wedding leave :-D

QueenPaw · 17/04/2021 09:45

We share quite a bit at work (female only team) but maybe not to that extent
So I asked a colleague if she was ok as she had a hot water bottle, she said she had cystitis and a few people suggested things that might help. Someone might say "ugh got a smear tomorrow" but wouldn't go into detail
That kind of thing
Our male boss goes green if anyone mentions periods

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2021 14:49

QueenPaw That's similar to my experience. Often it's a case of context and knowing your audience.
A colleague asking if I'll cover their revision session because they've got awful period cramps and just want to go home wouldn't stand out as unfortunately oversharing, but a colleague updating us all on her monthly cycle during our tea break or over lunch is oversharing and would stand out. The state of someone's uterus is not casual lunchtime conversation unless everyone is active in sharing at various times.
If everyone was comfortable and used to details then someone's tales probably wouldn't stand out. In my experience oversharers stand out because they ignore the fact that they're ignoring the social norms of the group, whatever the group norms are.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 17/04/2021 15:00

@Time2b33

Oh god my boss used to do this and I found it gross - especially the details she'd go into re her period 🤮

Did we have the same boss?!?

I hated it too. I did not want to know.....

Original poster

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2021 21:47

@CommandoDog

I'm allowed to be uncomfortable about this while at work, right? you can feel anything you like - why do you need permission unless - are you wanting to ban period talk at work?

Only seeing this now, just in case you thought I had left the thread or forgot about it.

We are working remotely so this 'sharing' isn't in conversation in the same office space. She is working from her home and I'm working from mine and they are two separate homes.
These discussions/conversations are by text chat like Skype messenger so they aren't done over the phone or on a video chat (but even on a video chat this would be too much information I think)
She is a new member of the team. I haven't discussed my bodily functions with her nor will I but she seems to be alright with sharing hers with me - surely this is oversharing with someone you're not close with or more than just colleagues???
I don't want to ban period talk at work. I'd rather not partake of the conversations. I'm unlikely to start the discussions but if others want to discuss their periods with others, fire on ahead. I'll put my headset on during work and focus on actually doing my work.

The point I was rather clumsily trying to make about feeling uncomfortable about these conversations while at work is that I'm at work. I'm trying to do my job and these discussions and the level of details that I am being given is making me uncomfortable. I don't want the mental image of any of my co-workers peeing into a cup to bring to their GP. I know what is necessary and I don't need to be told what she has to do.

The difference between "Hi LookItsMeAgain, I've been feeling a bit off the past few days and have an appointment at the GP this afternoon to see if there is anything wrong" and
"Hi LookItsMeAgain, I've had a high temperature, there is blood in my urine and I'm feeling sick and hot and sweaty all the time. I have to bring a sample in to my doctor when I see them later on." is like chalk and cheese.
I've no problem with the former (or the latter if it's a very close friend or family) but as it is a colleague, I would think the latter is oversharing.
I was asking if others would think it was over sharing and if they would share to the same level as my colleague

OP posts:

Original poster

LookItsMeAgain · 27/04/2021 09:48

This is no word of a lie but she has just told me that she needs to go to the toilet.
I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS.
So, you just go. Put yourself as unavailable so that you don't get any calls in but just go.
I have actually told her that I don't need to know this.
This is too much information, at least for me.

OP posts:

LolaNova · 27/04/2021 09:53

Not very many secret amongst our team. We’re all midwives so bodily functions and relationships just seem like part of the working day to us.

Original poster

LookItsMeAgain · 27/04/2021 09:58

She has embellished this now to inform me that she has diarrhoea and she doesn't want to have an accident in a taxi today.
This is oversharing, right???

I am not in the same physical location as she is.
I have never worked side by side with her in the same office building but she doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to know about the inner workings of her body.
Just tell me you are not feeling well and let's leave it at that. Or say you have an upset stomach or something but the level of detail that she goes into is too much for me.

OP posts:

LBOCS2 · 27/04/2021 10:13

I think the fact that people are working from home it has somewhat blurred the lines for them - in two ways; firstly I think you don't get the mental 'shift' from going into work, and secondly because it can be quite isolating so you don't have the chit chat you'd have in the office.

My team do share quite a lot but by the nature of the job we're quite outgoing, quite thick skinned, and we're quite a close team. I think it's horses for courses really; you should just share as much as you want.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 27/04/2021 10:18

Some people are just chronic oversharers. I have usually worked in teams where people are quite close , the job requires a tendency to being garrulous so of course personal things are discussed. I do believe that it should be normalised discussing periods etc but I do also think there is a time and place. I don't particularly want to hear about my male colleagues bodily functions in the workplace either so I don't really agree we as women should insist on talking about periods either. Whilst there is of course no shame why does it need to be discussed at work?
That said my filter is off because I spent a long time working in violent and challenging situations so I understand dark humour better than most. I am now in a much lighter scenario and have to remind myself my colleagues have a different calibration.

I would just change the subject , as I learned with an old colleague who did cross several lines explaining to me exactly the depth of her flow and that she was probably leaking onto the office chair as she spoke (thank you...no bugger would sit there after that) letting it carry on unchecked can lead to a moment that you wondered what you did wrong in life to be listening to this.

Unsubtle subject changes usually get the point across.

Love51 · 27/04/2021 10:23

Yes she's oversharing.
Tell her. Just say "tmi there, colleague, I didn't need to know that". Else she won't know she's said too much for you.
Except the migraine. But mine impair my vision so I can't work, I'd want you to know I'm not just slacking.

LolaSmiles · 27/04/2021 14:26

You've definitely got a chronic oversharer on your hands.
I've been thinking about this since this thread and have now decided that frequently oversharing is actually quite selfish because it involves one person deciding that their need to share or have attention comes above everyone else in the conversation.
Some workplaces everyone shares personal information so they wouldn't be 'over' sharing, just sharing in line with group norms. In groups where that isn't the norm oversharing is like conversational manspreading as everyone else is subjected to basic boundaries being crossed because one person thinks the world needs to know about the goings on of their back passage and details of their menstrual flow.

SelkieIntegrated · 02/05/2021 00:44

Yes it's a known way of controlling the level of intimacy. It's like, the level of intimacy is going to be HIGH! (if there's a relationship at all).

I think the people who do this fear that they won't be believed if they don't give you the full truth, in all its horror. In fact, to hold anything back feels similar to lying.

I work with a woman like this and once she told us she was late because she couldn't find clean knickers. The team was all female but we all had so much second hand embarrassment! She was fine.

Susannahmoody · 02/05/2021 00:48

Another perk on working with men. They don't discuss this nonsense

Tumbleweed101 · 03/05/2021 11:19

Plenty of people in my team share this kind of thing. As I'm a senior staff member I try to be a bit more discreet with my own issues though. Doesn't bother me and due to my position it is helpful at times to know someone may be feeling unwell as I can ensure they have appropriate support.

Smartiepants79 · 03/05/2021 12:29

Being on my period is not newsworthy but I’d probably tell them most of the other things.
We’re a smallish group of all women and we get on well. We’ve been together some years and have seen each other through all sorts of crap.
We’d especially say if we thought the thing was likely to affect our ability to do our jobs.
We worry about each other and celebrate the triumphs. I don’t think we nose in where we’re not wanted but we do share a lot with each other.

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