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Original poster

Today i want a job, tomorrow I want to be a SAHM - indecision!!!!

30 replies

bojangles · 28/10/2007 20:33

Ok I know I am in a realtively lucky position of having a choice but the freedom to choose whether to work or not is NOT setting me free.

I am professional who left work after DS was born - he is now 18mths and DD is 3 1/2. Mostly I enjoy being at home - I like the freedom to do what I want with the kids each day, I like doing stuff with the kids and I enjoy the whole SAHM thing of cooking etc. However, I go through spells where I panic about my future and what will happen to my career. Now, whilst I was a professional - I didn't particularly enjoy my job and had taken a step back in my career contemplating having children. I keep seeing (and applying) for jobs that I think look interesting and am now in the position where I have a couple of interviews coming up and I am panicking about whether they are right for me or indeed whether I want to work at all.

Do you think this is all quite normal? Or am I just being difficult to please? The pros for working are time away from the kids, money, wearing nice clothes, using my brain etc but the cons are leaving the kids, cost of child care, working for someone else etc.

Any thoughts?........

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 28/10/2007 20:34

no, this is normal.

I think it is made particularly hard by
(a) knowing you are returning to a job that you do not love/have a passion for
(b) knowing you have a choice

WideWebWitch · 28/10/2007 20:40

Why don't you apply and see how you feel if you get offered something? You don't really have to make a decision until then. And even if you went back and didn't like it you can always change your mind, it's not a decision that can't be reversed.

I do think if you are worried about your future career you can't afford to take too long out although it depends what your profession is, some lend themselves more easily than others to going back. It depends on whether your training is still relevant, whether you need to have kept up to date/your skills relevant etc.

I do think it's normal to not be sure. Could you get a job and then contemplate some kind of flexible working? A term time only contract or compressed hours or something like that?

I did 4 years as a sahm with ds, who is now 10 and then went back to work when dd, who is now nearly 4, was 4 months old. Dh was a sahd until she was 1.5 and since then we've both worked ft oth. I had flexible working hours until recently (have moved jobs), so worked 35 hours Mon to Thurs and had Friday off.

Original poster
bojangles · 28/10/2007 20:40

Thank you Foxinsocks - that is what I suspected

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 28/10/2007 20:41

Btw, I really DON'T want to be a sahm now. Most of the time. I have the odd moment where I think about it but actually, looking back, I should have gone back to work a LOT sooner, I was bored. I am wondering aobut taking next summer holidays off though, that sort of compromise would work for me. By the end of them I'd be DESPERATE to be at work again, I know it!

Heated · 28/10/2007 20:43

Would you have the option of being p/t?

I do and I find it the best of both worlds.

Original poster
bojangles · 28/10/2007 20:44

Thanks WWW - none of the jobs I am applying for would be full time - one would be 3-4 days, one would be flexible working at a university and the other is a sessional lecturer so much more flexible. There is also the possibility of loucm work which would be very flexible but would involve a longer commute. I am a solicitor and I suspect that the longer I am out the harder it will be to get back.

it is silly that I feel sad about 'giving up' even 3 days without the kids but perhaps it would give me the balance I need.

OP posts:
woodenchair · 28/10/2007 20:48

Agree with Heated, can you work part time?

I do 3 days a week and love it. It's really nice being the old me for my working days and the new mum me on the other days iyswim .

bunnyhunny · 28/10/2007 20:48

I found that I got panicky about going back to work (only after having 6 months off for maternity mind you!), but now I am working 2 days a week it is PERFECT. I get bored spending too much time at home, and the balance of 2 days at work, 5 days off is perfect for me.

I agree with WWW - why not apply and see what hap[pens? The whole appying for jobs is horrible anyway, so I am not suprised you are panicking a bit. I freak out when I think I might need to change jobs and end up just staying where I am to reduce the hassle..

foxinsocks · 28/10/2007 20:50

yes, that's very true about the stress of applying for jobs (especially after a long break).

I, quite honestly, thought I was losing my mind when I went through that process. I had to keep checking with my friends that I still had my sanity.

Original poster
bojangles · 28/10/2007 20:51

Thank you heated and woodenchair.

I am being silly - 3 days at work would not make me a 'distant' mum to my kids and we might all be better off for it. I wore my suit for an interview the other week and I really enjoyed looking 'glamorous' (well more so than a normal jeans day) - thing is I like getting dressed up, taking lunches and chatting to colleagues but don't know if I can be bothered with the whole work thing!

OP posts:
dontwanttogetoutofbed · 28/10/2007 20:52

make sure you don't feel that way after you decide because you will always feel like you are missing something

WideWebWitch · 28/10/2007 20:53

Bojangles, you could give it a go and if you don't like it, stop again. When I went back when dd was 4 months I LOVED it, the novelty of being able to have a coffee in peace and thinking time was bliss. It's worn off now a bit mind you! Hey and it's not the most important thing so you don't have to take it that seriously, what I mean is, I find work fun some of the time.

Original poster
bojangles · 28/10/2007 20:54

BH and FinS - job applications are stressful - I have applied for quite a few over the last year and put a lot of effort into the applications and interviews to then not get the jobs - I think it has knocked my confidence a bit which added to my time away from work is perhaps why I find the prospect of staying at home so appealing.

Ok so the general consensus is:

  1. it is normal to panic
  2. it is normal to be in two minds
  3. go for it - can always change mind
  4. part time is the way forward

thanks

OP posts:
MadMazza · 28/10/2007 20:56

I feel that if a woman can find a part time job that
a)they enjoy, and
b)pays well enough to cover child care costs they are happy with, and leaves enough money at the end of the month for them to feel working is worthwhile

then they should go back to work. It gives you time to be yourself, enables you to have your own friends outside your children's lives, and generally allows you to carry on something that in the long run you will need when your children have long left home.

I believe the crux is firstly flexible childcare, which IMO is very hard to come by and secondly ensuring that you are not ending up so stressed out at the end of the week that you do not enjoy your children anyway. It is a very difficult balancing act and a very difficult decision to make.

Original poster
bojangles · 28/10/2007 20:58

another thought - if you had the choice between 3 full days or 4 shorter days allowing time to collect DD from school- which would you chose?

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 28/10/2007 20:58

And not getting jobs is confidence knocking (I failed to get about 4 recently) but think of the positives:

  • you don't HAVE to work so it's not a question of feeding the children (always a nice position to be in)
  • look upon it all as interview practice
  • if you didn't get them it may not have anything to do with you at all, it could be an internal candidate, the job got cut at the last minute, the person hiring left/resigned, all sorts of reasons, many of which could have nothing to do with you

Agree, that's my view anyway, best of luck with it.

Heated · 28/10/2007 20:58

The 3 days I work I love, as I get adult conversation and a chance to recharge my mothering battery!

As a consequence I make the most of the 4 days I do have with the children and I also get the holidays - would you get this too if you took the lecturing post?

My children go to an lovely nursery so I've never anguished about leaving them which makes it all the easier.

WideWebWitch · 28/10/2007 20:59

3 full days, definitely. I loved having my Fridays at home (boo hoo) - dd used to be so excited about us dropping ds at school in her pyjamas (we didn't have to get out of the car). I also think it's easier to just not be in the office than it is to leave early.

Original poster
bojangles · 28/10/2007 21:00

MM - I think I agree with you - it is only now I am not working that I can appreciate that my previous somewhat dull job was in fact a highly coveted position because I worked 21 hrs per week on a pro rata salary and had a pension.

OP posts:
Original poster
bojangles · 28/10/2007 21:04

heated - thanks for your comments - I haven't seen the full t of c's for the lecturing job but the leave was very generous - sessional lecturing would mean holidays off but obviously only get paid for what you do and no job security - but it would be a job and could be a good way back in.

Hopefully I should have a clearer idea once I have been to the interviews etc. I have to get these things slightly resolved in my mind to prepare me for the I/V process.

OP posts:
MadMazza · 28/10/2007 21:06

Because of the long hours in my last job, I had to make the decision that I would take a career break (I have 2 DS's, one 6 and one 2.5) I have decided to retrain.I am studying with the Open University so I can change to a job that fits in better with the children. By the time both children are at school I hope to be able to start a part time job where I am not out of the house from seven in the morning to seven at night.

Heated · 28/10/2007 21:10

Maybe you could also investigate the childcare possibilities before the interviews so that you know there is are good options out there if you need them, rather than you've got the job & oh my god childcare panic!!

foxinsocks · 28/10/2007 22:09

tbh bojangles, I started off doing hours that meant I could pick up from school. It sounds perfect but in reality it was a nightmare. I had a pretty long commute so the hours I actually worked were quite short and it was ALWAYS an enormous rush and a stress to get back in time for pick up.

If you think, any other pick up situation, you have a bit of leeway in terms of time. But school pick up, you have to be there and then you add in a dodgy commute and do it every day, it can become very stressful.

I preferred doing 3 longer days because not only did I get more work done, I also got 2 days where I could get house stuff/chores done (so I then got one day to sort out the house/do any admin and one day to relax). Doing 5 short days meant I rushed to work, worked hard (never really finishing anything I started), rushed back to get kids then did stuff with them. I never felt like I got a break!

But if the job is close by, it may be a little easier doing school hours (but if money isn't a factor and you can afford the childcare, the 3 day option is more relaxing in the long term I think).

mumpip · 29/10/2007 09:36

My son is 1 and I am hoping to become pregnant again. I have a great opportunity to take over the family business. Only problem is the timing is all wrong, it has to be now or never really. I feel that I would have to leave my second child in childcare far too early to get back and run the business. Woud also need to arrange my own maternity cover and accept possible loss of custom due to lack of continuity.
Will I regret missing this career chance or not having the early years with my children as I would have liked it?

Original poster
bojangles · 29/10/2007 10:55

Hi Mumpip - it is a hard one and I suspect you would regret it later but would be sweetened by the arrival of DC2. However, your not pregnant yet - it might take a while for you to get pregnant and it would be worse to miss the opportunity wihtout the sweetner of the baby. I would say go for both and deal with the consequences later. I turned down lots of opportunities when I was trying to get pregnant as I felt the timing was wrong when it could actually have worked out ok.

OP posts: