Why do SAHMs not want to know working mums?

[78Annie]

I'm a working mum. As a teacher, I like to spend as much time as possible with my little one during the school holidays. It also gives my other half a break as he is a SAHD. But when I suggest to other mums to meet up in the hols, I get negative replies about how busy places are etc etc.

78Annie, I agree that in most cases it won't be anything personal - SAHMs have all week to do toddler outings and stuff and are therefore less likely to want to use weekends or holidays for it. You obviously feel a little bit sidelined though. If its any consolation, I think occasionally a few SAHMs find it hard to cope with the idea of us WOHMs enjoying life with our kids too. I remember when I wnet back to work after dc1, I had one friend who reacted a bit like this. In retrospect I think she was just a bit put out that I worked and still had the energy to want to meet up and do things. Sometimes people like to pigeonhole you and get a bit threatened if you don't fit their view of you. But I emphasise,this was only ONE friend. (run for cover before SAHMS beat me around the head lol)

thanks for the reassurance, inthegutter.
My other half's stepmum has this awful niece with a child who is a few weeks older than my son. This woman, when she found out I had gone back to work, said to me "well, I don't think you should have had a child if you didn't intend to look after it". Bloody cheek! We planned out child and planned that I would go back to work and my other half would look after the tiddler full-time.
I really respect SAHMs but the odd few seem to have a problem with working mothers.
Oh, and I am not sure how I feel about the acronym WOHM mum - I do the housework as well so I work at home and out of the home!

Totally do not agree with most of the anti SAHM threads.
I've been a WOHM, a SAHM and am now combining the to with also being WAHM. I have friends who are both working full, part time, from home or are SAHM. I treat them all the same and do not judge. We all are have differtent reasons for the choices we make and most mums I've met feel the same as me.

I in no way intended this thread to be 'anti SAHM'. I merely wanted to express how I felt. I am non-judgmental but feel that some mums are not - after all, we are all human. I just have been made to feel alienated by some SAHMs.

78annie - don't worry about it. Any thread with SAHM or WOHM or any combination those letters inevitably involves someone getting upset regardless of how innocent the comment was meant.

Personally I can't beleive that any mother who says that they are a "working" mother seriously means that women who look after their children don't work (particularly we too look after our children and know how bloody hard it can be). Its just a generally accepted (in the real work) phrase to mean that you go out to work and get paid for doing it.

I think thats it far less offensive to call a mother who looks after her children full time a SAHM than to call a WOHM a "part-time parent". So we all have our sensitivies.

I still think a mumsnet local meet-up might be the way to go. Start a post in the Meet-ups section for mums local to you and explain your situation.

(in the real world)

I know what you mean about like-minded people. It was a chance meeting in a pub (before children) that led to me getting into a small social circle after moving out of London.

Does your DH have any friends with children, that you might get on with as a couple/family?

What's the point? It's not like they'll be available to sit around all day drinking coffee, gossiping and eating cake

Honestly though, holidays are tricky because places are busy and mothers often have other children to consider. Suggesting things which are suitable for all ages and aren't going to be packed/expensive might be the way to go, eg coming round to play in your garden/paddling pool/whatever, local park for picnic...

or pub with a play area (afterall there are the dads to think of, and the mummies that enjoy a drinkie!)

Some NCT branches have working mum/parent groups. They would get together very month or so , perhpas contact your local benach and see what they have to offer.

Unfortunately places are busy during school holidays , although I have found at times that the places that are for toddlers and are for under 5 only are quiter as parents cannot take older siblings.

You obviously have met some new people in your area but how about suggesting something that doesn;t involve the children initally - like a Mums night out. Then you can get to know the other mums without little ones taking over and go from there.

You may find that these people are like minded but are not in the position to return to work as yet or have taken a career break as their DH is the major wage earner unlike your situation.

I do think it is very unfortunate when threads like this create an artificial divide, an us and them thing that does not exist imo.
the vast majority of mothers are just friends with the people they like tbh.
and lots of women do work outside the home part time or sometimes or flexibly. the divide doesn't even exist in theory.
I would stop concentrating on what you perceive to be other people's prejudices (which I strongly suspect are in your head) and just be friendly and make an effort with other mothers near to you, meeting them in the evenings or at weekends?

Two of my best friends are working mums, at least part time. I only don't feel too awkward with them becase we are very close already. But I am always terrified of socialising with other working mums, because I feel basically very embarrassed and a bit ashamed that I am not working. (I have depression as well as two small kids).
I used to be on a 'buddy group' on an American forum about pregnanct etc. Those ladies were all lovely and kind but they all had husbands (I don't) and jobs (I don't) so in the end I left as their issues and concerns were nothing I could help with and I felt very out of place despite their kindness.
I am of course pretty paranoid anyway

Blimey, if I didn't pal up with WOHMs, I'd have only two mates!

I will go to a soft play area in the holidays if I'm absolutely desperate (i.e. pouring down for more than 3 days and DS bouncing off the walls) but then, my WOHM friends feel the same way. Sometimes we grit our teeth and get on with it, feeling there's safety in numbers, but mostly we try our best to find something else. Garden centres can be good places to suggest a meet up if it's wet. And some toddler groups meet up in the holidays - it's worth looking into that, because the ones that do will often accomodate older siblings too.

FrightAttendant - what do you live on?

I love working mums and adore my WOHm friends, but I do see more of my SAHM< friends simply because w ehave more time to meet up and do stuff together. I think it does naturally change once kids are at school, to be honest. Don't take it personally!

I admit to feeling a little distant from working mums. Jealousy because they get paid for the work they do.

yes but they miss out on seeing a lot of their child's development

allhallows - also I go out excpetionally rarely without DS as I feel I should spend all my non working time with him as I work in the week. My SAHM sister went out without her DC's far more than I do because she wants to break form them (of course doesn;t help that I'm single and therefore don;t have a partner to look after them if I want to go shopping alone anyway!)

My youngest is now at school & I work part-time. Most of my friends either work part-time or are SAHMs. I tend to catch up with them in the week during school hours. We all tend to do stuff with our own families at weekends. They are also the people I rely on to do the odd pick-up and stuff like that. In addition we go away most holidays so are not around much then.

I find it much harder keeping in contact with WOHM friends simply because their lifestyle does not fit in with mine. I would normally meet up with them in the evening for a drink without kids.

I wish you lived near me, dramaqueen, so we could go for a drink! I've suggested that to a couple of SAHMs but they both said their other halves would not want to babysit. Perhaps that says more about their partners than themselves!

I think there's more of a divide between single parents and those with partners as the ones with partners don't want to come out and play at a weekend leaving those singletons of us sad and lonely . Thankfully I have various married friends who either have partners who work saturdays or play rugby or are just happy to have an 'outsider' included.

Rubbish. In my experience it's the working mums that look down on SAHM like myself. I don't think I would be allowed to type on this forum some of the comments directed at myself by working mums. Working mums are absolutely ruthless.

That's working mums as in paid employment mums.

mumofhelen - would you like me to repeat some of the "selfish" comments and comments about how much my child suffers because I work? Just to point out that nasty people are not confined to WOHM . There may be the odd WOHM who is nasty but my experience is that society at large (and particularly the Daily Mail!) is very judgemetanl of mothers who go back to work. Even if they have to. And even more vitriolic if, heaven forbid, you enjoy working [gasp].

let's have some evidence then mumofhelem if you're going to make accusations like that.