Sorry, its long.
Qualified as a mental health nurse in March 2019. The training was the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm a single parent to juggled childcare. I knew once qualified it was going to be difficult to find a 9-5 and so many times would think this is impossible but kept going. It took 6 months until a post came up. It was part time, 8.30 - 4.30, perfect. I couldn't believe my luck. I was so nervous as a newly qualified, knowing I hadn't had ward experience (as so many advised along the way). On my first day I walked in and obviously nervous. My first week wasn't great, not very welcoming but I perservered. I was more or less thrown into the role but seemed to pick it up quite quickly. I was in a clinic, but after clinic would go back into the office to do paperwork about 2pm. I was a mature student so computers were very new to me too. There was lots to learn on the system and the process of things. When I started to ask a question, the answers were quite vague and everyone seemed to be too busy. I started to worry about asking as I felt I was getting on their nerves. I would try to ask someone different every time. One particular lady would huff and puff and look at me puzzled sometimes because I didn't know something. I started to feel a bit silly as her response was a little intimidating. Even though I was nervous, I perservered, kept thinking, I will learn. It only got worse. My manager dismisses me, speaks to me in such a patronising way in front of the team, when I try to explain something she talks over me. The band 6 (only band 6 in the office) still huffs and puffs, has such a hostile manner towards me. For the first 6 months it was just my manager. I tried to stay away from the band 6. Very unapproachable and always appears quite stressed (swearing at her phone, slamming paperwork, huffing and puffing). She won't look at me, she is very sarcastic and I feel so intimidated by her. Anyway, since covid 19, I have been in the office as the clinics are closed. It's been awful, just awful. Aswell as trying to home school and go to work, its been hard. Lots of people have struggled, its been a difficult time for many. My manager walked in one day and said I want you in at 9 now there is no clinic and walked off. Its fine, my dc's are home anyway but she didn't tell the other part time lady the same. I just did as i was told.
Im still trying to learn, develop but because I can not ask questions with ease, I now have terrible anxiety going to work. About 3 months ago I confided in a colleague who was leaving. She explained that she had noticed how I'm treated by my manager and she explained that's how the manager is, your face has to fit and she is like it to people she feels will not speak up. I mentioned the band 6 and her response was 'that's just [insert name], she's like it with everyone'. This particular colleague advised me to ask for supervision. I have and it was cancelled twice. I haven't asked again because I do believe that this is never ever going to change. I'm unsure if this is related but I suffer with my stomach, I have developed a bit of a tick in my neck and I have no appetite. I don't sleep, wake feeling nauseous.
It's got to the point where I freeze in that office, I'm scared to ask anything at all. I can't learn this way. I feel I am so incompetent in my abilities. My confidence is shattered. Thursday, I left early saying I was unwell. I had gone on a call and they wanted me to do something in the afternoon that I hadn't done before. I plucked up courage to ask for support with it, my manager walked away saying just ask someone. I knew that day it was her and the band 6 in. I sat in my car after my call trying to build courage to go back. I just had a complete melt down. I went home. I can't go back, I really can't. I don't know what to do from here. I have nobody to talk to. Part of me wants to just apply for a shop job. I have worked so hard, I want to at least try to develop my skills.
I'm sorry it's long. Can anyone help/advise?