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I can't go back to that office - I just don't know what to do.

44 replies

CakesRus3 · 29/08/2020 09:08

Sorry, its long.
Qualified as a mental health nurse in March 2019. The training was the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm a single parent to juggled childcare. I knew once qualified it was going to be difficult to find a 9-5 and so many times would think this is impossible but kept going. It took 6 months until a post came up. It was part time, 8.30 - 4.30, perfect. I couldn't believe my luck. I was so nervous as a newly qualified, knowing I hadn't had ward experience (as so many advised along the way). On my first day I walked in and obviously nervous. My first week wasn't great, not very welcoming but I perservered. I was more or less thrown into the role but seemed to pick it up quite quickly. I was in a clinic, but after clinic would go back into the office to do paperwork about 2pm. I was a mature student so computers were very new to me too. There was lots to learn on the system and the process of things. When I started to ask a question, the answers were quite vague and everyone seemed to be too busy. I started to worry about asking as I felt I was getting on their nerves. I would try to ask someone different every time. One particular lady would huff and puff and look at me puzzled sometimes because I didn't know something. I started to feel a bit silly as her response was a little intimidating. Even though I was nervous, I perservered, kept thinking, I will learn. It only got worse. My manager dismisses me, speaks to me in such a patronising way in front of the team, when I try to explain something she talks over me. The band 6 (only band 6 in the office) still huffs and puffs, has such a hostile manner towards me. For the first 6 months it was just my manager. I tried to stay away from the band 6. Very unapproachable and always appears quite stressed (swearing at her phone, slamming paperwork, huffing and puffing). She won't look at me, she is very sarcastic and I feel so intimidated by her. Anyway, since covid 19, I have been in the office as the clinics are closed. It's been awful, just awful. Aswell as trying to home school and go to work, its been hard. Lots of people have struggled, its been a difficult time for many. My manager walked in one day and said I want you in at 9 now there is no clinic and walked off. Its fine, my dc's are home anyway but she didn't tell the other part time lady the same. I just did as i was told.
Im still trying to learn, develop but because I can not ask questions with ease, I now have terrible anxiety going to work. About 3 months ago I confided in a colleague who was leaving. She explained that she had noticed how I'm treated by my manager and she explained that's how the manager is, your face has to fit and she is like it to people she feels will not speak up. I mentioned the band 6 and her response was 'that's just [insert name], she's like it with everyone'. This particular colleague advised me to ask for supervision. I have and it was cancelled twice. I haven't asked again because I do believe that this is never ever going to change. I'm unsure if this is related but I suffer with my stomach, I have developed a bit of a tick in my neck and I have no appetite. I don't sleep, wake feeling nauseous.
It's got to the point where I freeze in that office, I'm scared to ask anything at all. I can't learn this way. I feel I am so incompetent in my abilities. My confidence is shattered. Thursday, I left early saying I was unwell. I had gone on a call and they wanted me to do something in the afternoon that I hadn't done before. I plucked up courage to ask for support with it, my manager walked away saying just ask someone. I knew that day it was her and the band 6 in. I sat in my car after my call trying to build courage to go back. I just had a complete melt down. I went home. I can't go back, I really can't. I don't know what to do from here. I have nobody to talk to. Part of me wants to just apply for a shop job. I have worked so hard, I want to at least try to develop my skills.
I'm sorry it's long. Can anyone help/advise?

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 29/08/2020 09:13

Get signed off with work related stress. Idiots like thst should not be managers. Whilst you are off write everything down that has happened. Bullying can be subtle. Do you have any witnesses?

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/08/2020 09:16

Absolutely get signed off with work related stress. It sounds a vile place to work. Use the time off to look around for other jobs and when you leave, be quite clear why.

Burnthurst187 · 29/08/2020 09:17

This sounds like an awful work environment to be in and I think you've been there long enough now to see that it's not going to change

I think from what you've said it sounds as if you're working alongside people who are very unhappy and stressed and they're taking it out on you

I think it's time to look for a new job. I had a job that I hated once and I was looking for a new job within 3-4 weeks. I ended up doing around 6-8 months. Trust your senses

lookingforamindatwork · 29/08/2020 09:17

get signed off by your doctor. If you have HR write a letter of complaint about how you have been treated. Also speak to your union. If you aren't in one, join one. Look for another job.

CakesRus3 · 29/08/2020 09:18

13Thierryhenryneedisaymore thankyou for your message. Yes, that's why I have persevered as it's been subtle little remarks and approaches. Even down to the impression on her face (and the band 6) impression on her face when she looks at me. Along with other things I have mentioned. I will try to remember everything. The one colleague I confided in has left. I haven't spoken with anyone else.

OP posts:
CakesRus3 · 29/08/2020 09:21

Thankyou everyone for your messages, really appreciate it. Yes, I'm planning on taking time off. Just really don't want to go back. I hope I find something to fit with my home life. I have looked into a union and they said I can join and get telephone advice but they can't support with any incidents that have occurred before I joined. I have also looked into outside supervision.

OP posts:
TDGH1245ANON · 29/08/2020 09:21

You're not alone. I work in a school with a manager like this. It is bullying and incompetency on their part. I went on ADs because of her. I'm not in a position too move jobs. I'm dreading seeing her next week.

TDGH1245ANON · 29/08/2020 09:22

Oh and when I tried to informally talk to others I got the stock phrase "oh that's just X."

kazzer2867 · 29/08/2020 09:50

I agree with the other posters. Get signed off with stress and inform HR what has been happening to you. The union are correct, they would only offer telephone advise on pre-existing issues, but it's a good idea to join for the help and anything that may occur in the future. Acas have some advise online about workplace bullying. Also, give them a call (0300 123 1190). www.acas.org.uk/if-youre-treated-unfairly-at-work/being-bullied

malificent7 · 29/08/2020 12:18

Ditch the job...life is too short.

growinggreyer · 29/08/2020 12:22

You say that you don't have ward experience. Can you sign up to do bank shifts and say that you realise that you need to get onto the ward to get that experience? It might be a 'better' reason for leaving for your CV. Hugs to you, I know how horrible it is to go to work and be treated like that. Please don't let them take away what you have worked so hard for.

MobLife · 29/08/2020 12:35

OP I would seek HR and union advice; I work in the NHS and your manager cannot just change your contracted working hours without going through a proper process. So I would challenge them in that regard
It sounds like a really toxic team but please know that it's them not you! There's lots of scope in the NHS to do different roles, and it's not a bad idea to consider doing some bank work to get a feel of other teams and service areas
You could still pay into the pension and accrue AL too

CakesRus3 · 29/08/2020 13:29

Thankyou all so so much, I feel better for posting here. Thankyou for the kind words, the link and advice. I really do appreciate it. Definitely going to seek all of that advice. I wish I had dome something before now. I kept ignoring it, thinking it would pass/get better. I was very avoident so I could just keep going to work. All of a sudden something has just clicked and especially reading here. I'm not stuck there, there has to be something else. Banking is a great idea. I worry they will think I'm experienced as I have been qualified a year. My confidence has been knocked so much. I'm so scared to go anywhere. I know I have to. It's a good idea. I wouldn't have a clue how a shift is run on a ward now. I have seen a job come up in drug and alcohol addiction services. It's not something I would choose but it's part time and 9-5. I wonder if it's worth trying there to build my confidence again. I would like to bank but would they be supportive do you think? I had such good feed back as a student. I have great feed back from our consultants too. So I know I can do this! Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Hello1290 · 29/08/2020 19:43

Of course you can do it - if the consultants are giving you good feedback that's a massive positive. Maybe go for the job in drug and alcohol addiction as you have nothing to lose. If you get it and decide it's not for you, you can always turn it down. Good luck.

LAlexander7 · 29/08/2020 21:48

Whistleblowing could offer you some protection, do you have a policy/process at work?

eenymeenymineymo · 29/08/2020 22:16

I used to be an accountant & had a line manager like yours. She would offer support in my performance reviews, in team meetings etc - but when I requested specific advice or support (even with emailed booked meetings/timeslots) she would roll her eyes, or continue with her own work (data entry, calculator, papers etc) & sigh & huff.

Her manager (our team leader) was in the adjacent office & heard many of her comments to me but wouldnt offer any further support.
The last straw came when my LM threw something at me across my desk, yelling how I made so many mistakes & she was fed up.

I hated going into work, my confidence in working with real time software programs was shattered - & our office managers knew how this LM behaved. She was/is part of their succession plan for senior managers so I guess I was expendable.

Nobody should be made to feel rubbish like you are OP because they are stressed or not coping with their own workloads. Senior management comes with some responsibilities & if you cannot mentor a newbie or learner then they should be able to delegate to someone who can help.

CakesRus3 · 30/08/2020 07:39

Yes, I'm going to apply. Just nervous moving forward really. My confidence is non existent. I'm not sure about tgat policy. It's knowing who to ask. I hope I hear back from supervision soon. The lady I spoke to Thursday morning doesn't know I left Thursday afternoon. I'm going to call her Tues to see if I can hurry the supervision along. I am also going into the unions office to join. I'm sorry others are/have been through this. I know how you feel/felt. It's just so awful. I kept going in and hoping it would get better. I have left it so long I'm a nervous wreck in there. I hate the thought of having to interview and start again somewhere. Not knowing what a new place will be like. Despite the environment, I enjoyed my role. So that disappoints me. I'm probably going to have to take something/anything to enable me to work and hopefully get the support I need.

OP posts:
Horrible76 · 30/08/2020 07:57

NC for this. I have a very similar experience to this. The culture within nursing has been almost toxic in almost everywhere I worked. I was also a mature student and found I and my mature classmates struggled with this the most (I'm not sure if behaviours are different toward or if younger students/nurses have less expectation of being treated with professionalism). I was scared shitless, convinced I was going to be hung out to dry. There was all sorts of underhand play, illegal working environments, eyerolls when asking questions. Everything in my gut told me to get out, so I did. I gave up a lot to be a nurse, and it wasn't an easy decision. But I couldn't live like that. I had no life outside work because I was so anxious. I couldn't sleep.

I feel anxious even writing this. I have zero regrets about leaving, but I wish I had made the leap to research or other non clinical before I completely lost the love for the job.

Rupertpenrysmistress · 30/08/2020 08:07

This is so sad I am a band 6 in the NHS and I would hate to think one of my employees were being treated like this. Op this is not you, it's the workplace, do apply for the other job, do lots of research into this service so you feel confident. Don't let this define your career, bullying is such an awful and draining thing I am surprised you have stuck it this long. Not all work places are like this. Good luck op let us know how you get on.
I second writing everything down even if you don't act on it, it will help you on a personal level.

CakesRus3 · 30/08/2020 08:45

57Horrible76 that's awful. I have been thinking about leaving for a while and only a year in. Like you, it took alot to train. It must have taken so much to leave. I'm not brave enough. Where do you work now? I'm scared I couldn't find something that pays. I'm a single parent. I need to be financially secure.
07Rupertpenrysmistress ohhh I wish you were my band 6. I am so eager to learn, progress, put in the work. I guess that's what's so frustrating, I have frozen to those abilities. Which makes me question myself.
I'm going to make notes, try to remember what has happened. It's sometimes difficult as like I said previously it is sometimes subtle things (facial expressions, snarls, buffs, not looking at me, walking away when I'm talking, not allowing me to talk, sarcasm). Thankyou, I will research. It all feels a little bit scary out there at the moment. I do question if I should be a nurse.

OP posts:
TDGH1245ANON · 30/08/2020 08:48

Yes definitely keep a diary. I'm in my situation for the long haul and I will be jotting even every frown down. Keeping my chin up and coming out on top.

TDGH1245ANON · 30/08/2020 08:49

She's almost ruined me, and if she continues this year I'll ruin her.

NerrSnerr · 30/08/2020 08:55

I would keep an eye out for band 5 ward work. I wouldn't necessarily go on the bank right now, I am an RMN and spent about 2 years as a full time bank nurse and it is very challenging and you'll often be in expected to be the nurse in charge of the ward. I personally wouldn't have felt comfortable with doing it without ward experience as you'll be expected to do drug rounds which can be challenging when you don't know the ward and their procedures (and you need confidence to say that you'll do it your way and not the way others want you to do it).

Do you have an appraisal coming up? Could you ask if you can do some days shadowing others in similar areas- say in the appraisal it's to build up knowledge and experience but I'd use it to see where seems friendly.

Is it adult mental health you're in? I struggled to find my place in adults but have always found older adult services very friendly. Small teams (like liaison psychiatry, drugs and alcohol etc) have always been friendly too.

I love my job but think you do need to find your niche.

CakesRus3 · 30/08/2020 09:00

I'm a mental health nurse. I'm not sure what an appraisal is? I have asked to shadow. I did Thursday and was dismissed. I knew then I just couldn't continue there. I'm in older adults services now. Yes, I worry about banking for those reasons.
I do need to fond my niche, hoping to. Just so scared this has knocked my confidence.
I'm glad you like your job. What services do you work in?

OP posts:
ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 30/08/2020 09:03

They're both bullying you so does your department have any procedure to deal with bullying?

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