I can't go back to that office - I just don't know what to do.

[CakesRus3]

Sorry, its long.
Qualified as a mental health nurse in March 2019. The training was the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm a single parent to juggled childcare. I knew once qualified it was going to be difficult to find a 9-5 and so many times would think this is impossible but kept going. It took 6 months until a post came up. It was part time, 8.30 - 4.30, perfect. I couldn't believe my luck. I was so nervous as a newly qualified, knowing I hadn't had ward experience (as so many advised along the way). On my first day I walked in and obviously nervous. My first week wasn't great, not very welcoming but I perservered. I was more or less thrown into the role but seemed to pick it up quite quickly. I was in a clinic, but after clinic would go back into the office to do paperwork about 2pm. I was a mature student so computers were very new to me too. There was lots to learn on the system and the process of things. When I started to ask a question, the answers were quite vague and everyone seemed to be too busy. I started to worry about asking as I felt I was getting on their nerves. I would try to ask someone different every time. One particular lady would huff and puff and look at me puzzled sometimes because I didn't know something. I started to feel a bit silly as her response was a little intimidating. Even though I was nervous, I perservered, kept thinking, I will learn. It only got worse. My manager dismisses me, speaks to me in such a patronising way in front of the team, when I try to explain something she talks over me. The band 6 (only band 6 in the office) still huffs and puffs, has such a hostile manner towards me. For the first 6 months it was just my manager. I tried to stay away from the band 6. Very unapproachable and always appears quite stressed (swearing at her phone, slamming paperwork, huffing and puffing). She won't look at me, she is very sarcastic and I feel so intimidated by her. Anyway, since covid 19, I have been in the office as the clinics are closed. It's been awful, just awful. Aswell as trying to home school and go to work, its been hard. Lots of people have struggled, its been a difficult time for many. My manager walked in one day and said I want you in at 9 now there is no clinic and walked off. Its fine, my dc's are home anyway but she didn't tell the other part time lady the same. I just did as i was told.
Im still trying to learn, develop but because I can not ask questions with ease, I now have terrible anxiety going to work. About 3 months ago I confided in a colleague who was leaving. She explained that she had noticed how I'm treated by my manager and she explained that's how the manager is, your face has to fit and she is like it to people she feels will not speak up. I mentioned the band 6 and her response was 'that's just [insert name], she's like it with everyone'. This particular colleague advised me to ask for supervision. I have and it was cancelled twice. I haven't asked again because I do believe that this is never ever going to change. I'm unsure if this is related but I suffer with my stomach, I have developed a bit of a tick in my neck and I have no appetite. I don't sleep, wake feeling nauseous.
It's got to the point where I freeze in that office, I'm scared to ask anything at all. I can't learn this way. I feel I am so incompetent in my abilities. My confidence is shattered. Thursday, I left early saying I was unwell. I had gone on a call and they wanted me to do something in the afternoon that I hadn't done before. I plucked up courage to ask for support with it, my manager walked away saying just ask someone. I knew that day it was her and the band 6 in. I sat in my car after my call trying to build courage to go back. I just had a complete melt down. I went home. I can't go back, I really can't. I don't know what to do from here. I have nobody to talk to. Part of me wants to just apply for a shop job. I have worked so hard, I want to at least try to develop my skills.
I'm sorry it's long. Can anyone help/advise?

I feel like, as soon as I mention bullying it's going to be just an even more uncomfortable place to be. I went to the manager (the one above my manager who is on a secondment), explained I was struggling in my role and would like outside supervision. I feel anxious in the office and feel I cant approach anyone for help. He more or less said my manager was under stress and counting down to retirement. He copied me in to an email for outside supervision. Heard nothing back. That was 4 weeks ago. So I physically went to the department myself. After that I felt like I had nowhere to turn. So awaiting outside supervision now. I can't go back.

I work for the NHS not clinical but I do work with nurses. I agree. Get signed off. Your situation sounds horrendous and is affecting your own mental health. Definitely join a union you can do this online. Just google NHS unions. They won't help with an existing problem but alway good to be in one.

Apply for the other post. Your confidence has been dented by your toxic work environment. I used work beside the addictions team and they were lovely. Not all departments are like yours.

I have been in your situation in an external job. Please sign yourself off for a while and take time to destress. Then get your emotional life jacket on and start applying.

Hope things get better

Right. In the NHS you can be moved to a different department or even hospital if necessary. Don't feel that you have to stay in this environment. Surpass your manager from now on and go to one or two above them. Make an official complaint about them. Ask your occupational health team to assist you in being removed from that environment. Your job will not be at risk if you take progressive steps to fix your problem. But if you just sit there, constantly ask others how to do your job, leave early and don't communicate well, then you are setting yourself up for dismissal under grounds of incompetence.

Solo parenting is hard, believe me, I know how you feel. I solo parent DD5, DD2 and a newborn whilst working a 37.5hr NHS job on a 7 day rotation and I'm only a band 2, so have to be extra organised with money and childcare. Have more belief in yourself.

You got your qualifications and yet still don't feel like you can understand/do the job? Could you transfer to another department and do a top up course for another specialism instead? There's no shame in changing your mind once you are in the role. Lots of professionals do it quite often, which is why the NHS is a great place for personal development.

I agree with the others OP, get signed off by your doctor.

I am a newly qualified worker (not a nurse) however I would had a breakdown if my colleagues and supervisor were not supportive. This is not your fault, remember that. You are working in a toxic work environment.

If you go off on stress will it impact your career later, you are new to the career so if worry about this being in record? Can you dig deep and put a game face on until you find a new position? Although if it’s making you ill is it worth it, sometimes your own mental health is more important.

What do you mean you don’t know what an appraisal is?

I went into youth work. I was so done with the culture. (I was adult nursing, so a bit different). Mental health is so varied and scope for independent working (CPN?), research, working for drugs and alcohol charities. But yeah, get out of there.

Appraisals, like supervision? I haven't had one. I was supposed to but it's been cancelled twice.
The last thing I want to do is be on sick leave but I might have to for a couple of weeks. I need to see if I can be moved but I'm worried I'm going to make things more difficult for myself. I have been trying to grin and manage it for dome time. I don't leave early, and I do my job. I have left early once, last Thursday. It's got to the point where I can't learn, can't progress as I can't ask anything. I am uptight even when these 2 people are close. It's just an awful feeling that has impacted on my physical health. We all have different level of tolerance when it comes to stress (I learned alot on a placement, about psychosis). I thought I had quite a high tolerance until I started to feel unwell physically.

OP it sounds as though you've been away from the world of work for too long. I'm guessing to raise your kids? And then you went back to education to get your qualifications but didn't get any practical experience - again I'm guessing because of your kids?

You don't even know what an appraisal is and that's concerning. It might not be called that in your place of work - its basically a regular review of your performance, how you are getting on etc.

I think your problems may be less if you had the practical experience and not just the theory. Moving to another job internally or externally won't take that problem away.

You need to develop your experience but it seems you went straight into a role that didn't come with any training or at least minimal training. Whether that's their fault for not providing this or yours for misrepresenting your experience, I do not know. Perhaps you should have started at a more entry level position. Perhaps you should have gotten a bit of voluntary experience.

Your manager doesn't sound great but I don't think its entirely their fault either.

@CakesRus3 an appraisal is the annual meeting where you make objectives for the year to come. We do ours 6 monthly but should be at least yearly. I currently work supporting care homes with people with dementia which is lovely because it's autonomous and I enjoy spending time in care homes.

I would look elsewhere for a job. Are you doing a preceptorship or have you already done one?

I don't agree in just getting signed off???? Stupid advice. Who exactly does that help other than putting more work on your colleagues, isolating yourself from the workplace more and fostering more resentment. Having a few weeks off at your employers expense isn't going to change the workplace you'd be going back to

If you don't like your colleagues or the work environment then put your big girl pants on and leave?!

I'm not NHS so apologies if my advice doesn't feel like the right fit. But I would say that you have to be pretty tough to be a MH nurse, it's a difficult job. I'm not sure its the right thing for you - and that's ok. You can feel your way around the different environments until you find something that fits but if you're effectively temping then you will be parachuted into environments where colleagues are stressed and don't have time to train you perhaps?

Anyway first things first time to get out ASAP. If I were you I would really avoid going sick, complaining, whistleblowing or any of that stuff. Because like it or not not many people want to hire someone they might see as a risk. They want someone they know is going to be there. Of course not everyone but this early in your career it might not be wise to look like you can't hack the job - even if it's not the job it's this person. Of course it's not legal or allowed to discriminate like that but people do.

I worked with a bully once and left, and because I didn't have another great job to go to it kind of fucked my career and working with her nearly killed me. So find a way out fast. To a new job you can stick with. And say nothing. You also don't know where she will turn up or what connections she has. She could be a very nasty enemy and it's not a risk to take.

The NHS is full to the brim of incompetent managers. Try to remember that next time she is being foul to you.

Go off sick, grievance procedure/constructive dismissal claim against her

Thinking about this I have a friend in the NHS in MH. She works with some lovely people but the bosses are the biggest bunch of fucked up psychopaths ever. Sadly they are drawn to this field and their ruthlessness sees them rise quickly.

The stuff she puts up with would not be tolerated outside the nhs or MH.

Never make an enemy of these people. They can and will fuck your career out of nothing but spite. Reporting them makes them beyond angry.

I had someone sue for constructive dismissal (it was malicious and not dismissal at all) and I can tell you now proving it is very hard. Unless you have people prepared to go to tribunal to speak up for you (they won't) and a paper trail a mile long you will lose. Rolling eyes and huffing doesn't count and the case will be incredibly stressful. The work I had to do prepping was insane.

I should think many have tried to take this woman down. And have failed. If you think you are tough enough and savvy enough then fine. But I'm not getting that feeling. She will decimate you.

Your best path is to find a supportive possibly more junior role in a place you like. With a kind boss who will develop you and not undermine you.

Know this is an oversimplification, but I'd say you have to get out of there if you can. You're new to a tough profession and deserve mentoring and support, or at least help in the day to day. Working with bullies is draining, upsetting and unrewarding, however 'tough' you may be. There are plenty of decent workplaces, teams and colleagues out there, and hopefully you'll find one of them.

Thankyou all for advice here. Taking sick leave is the last thing I wanted to do. It's my mental health and my dc's only have me so it's important I'm well. I have pushed through and continuously looking for other jobs. It's not easy finding something that fits well with childcare. I'm not going to give up looking. I do need this time off.

I wouldn't leave the NHS as it has good pension t's and C's. I would start looking for something internally. Not all bosses are idiots you are sadly having a terrible experience and I feel for you .

How long have you been in that job

I will stay within the NHS. Im hoping so. Just need to find something that fits. I have been there 11 months part time.

Just slip away from her before she notices. You want her to barely know you exist. These people are dangerous. It will also improve as you get more experience but even if it does getting another job is crucial.

You'll need a good story and 'because I work for a nasty bully' is not one. Maybe if you can think of an area within yours that is growing/you are interested in you could spend a little time popping by and just generally networking if you are in the same building or on courses together? It's bloody hard getting jobs by applying. Usually people hire people they know. And it gives you a little more control as you have a rough idea of what they are like.

This is EXACTLY what sick leave is for. I had a mental breakdown and i realised i was too ill to do my job. If i was that physically ill, i would have taken time off way before that point and probably wouldn't have needed 6 weeks off if i had listened to my body. Your brain is giving you emergency signs, lights, sirens, the lot. Take a break and recover. Don't give yourself a nervous breakdown for fear of what people might say.