Too ill for my sickness meeting

[Workinprogress30]

It’s next week. I am desperately unwell today, I feel suicidal (but safe). How can I have a meeting when I can’t even face my family/friends? Or do I go and just be honest about how unwell I am?

I say ‘go’ but it’s a virtual meeting. It feels so intrusive

Speak to your doctor about this or if you have a healthcare team speak to them.

I think you have to be honest with them. It might be hard, but assuming they are paying you then it will be worse not to go in the long run. Do you have any coping techniques for when you’re feeling like this?

Sorry to hear this

What’s the purpose of the meeting?
How long have you been off work?

Have you got someone ‘on your side’ for the meeting, like a union representative? Tell them exactly how you feel.

can you take anyone with you (well sit in the room with you)

It’s a first stage meeting as per policy. I feel like I am just going to breakdown as soon as they ask me how I am. At the moment none of my coping strategies are working. My anxiety has completely taken over me and I am in such a state. I plan to ring the GP first thing tomorrow. Been off 6 weeks and not feeling any better

No it’s just me and my manager

I know you can’t help but to worry, but if you me up breaking down and crying then so what? The meeting is linked to your anxiety so they should understand that you will find it difficult. Things like this are never as bad as you imagine them to be.

I think because I have built up this facade for so many years, I now feel so exposed and vulnerable.
Would it not seem unprofessional to become upset in the meeting?

If you were off sick with a broken leg, I would expect to see you in a cast / on crutches.

If you are off sick with anxiety and mental health issues, I would not be at all surprised to see signs of this ie tears / difficulties communicating etc

However, if the thought of a meeting is making you too ill, can you email to request a delay?

Hi there OP. Contacting your GP sounds like a good plan, and we're pleased to see you've had lots of support here, too. We're sorry that you're in such a difficult spot at the moment though.

We thought we'd just pop in with our usual links to help in case they were of any use.

Hope the meeting goes ok if it goes ahead. Do pop back and let us know.

Thank you @FusionChefGeoff yes that does make sense.
I could delay but I want it out of the way

The broken leg analogy is a good one, OP. I think that you should let them know the reality of how you are. If you cry, so be it.

All the best.

Don't worry if you cry, be honest, don't be brave

Its ok

I manage people, I have had so many outpourings over the years. I hate seeing people distressed but would always want them to tell me what is going on so I can support. It’s not unprofessional.
Please let it all out, it’s the only way to get the help you need.

Hi OP. It deff not unprofessional to become upset at the meeting. Remember this isn't about your job per se, it's not a performance review, it's about your health and well-being.

The more you can be honest then in my experience (as a manager) is that I've been able to offer better support. I have had team members with serious mental health conditions over a long period of time but the focus is always firstly on your immediate wellbeing and safety and secondly that we as employer are doing what we can to support you and an eventual return to work.

I think it's a good idea for you to phone the GP again if your feelings haven't changed, and explaining that you are doing these things to your manager is also useful.

But - if the meeting itself is causing too much anxiety ask for it to be moved, although you might find you feel a little better after having the conversation. It doesn't need to be more than 5 or 10 mins check in.

That sounds like a very level headed approach - so that's really positive news for your recovery.

In that case, just accept that you are doing your best. You are sick and you cannot work. Be honest, be quick and then take pride in the strength you have shown to face it.

Maybe send a short email in advance explaining that you're not in a great place right now and may become upset on the call. I don't know if that would help but I feel it helps me be less anxious if the other person knows the situation

Great advice here. I've been that manager, HR Mgr AND that employee in tears. It's fine, don't worry. Not unprofessional. As you're ringing in, I don't think it's unreasonable to email in advance to say that things are hard right now, you are worried about getting upset, and you may want to end the call early if you do. In some ways, think of calling in as an advantage: you can call from home, in comfort without feeling you have to leave somewhere looking upset.

Good luck. Remember it is an opportunity for your employer to understand what is happening for you, and if possible, offer you support.

Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate it.
However I feel on the morning I will just be honest

I agree you should just be honest and not worry about showing upset. But it’s also worth thinking about why you are so unhappy, is it your job and could you try something you might enjoy more and find less stressful?

I'm supporting a staff member who is off for similar reasons. They have found some of the meetings hard and emotional (as have I!), but its given me a much clearer idea of what they are going through and how I can help get them back to work. Be brave xx

@Notthetoothfairy yes I had a thread asking if people would leave a job for their mental health and it was pretty unanimous! I am looking for other work. I actually got an interview, but I’m too unwell to attend

@Ffsnosexallowed thank you for you sweet message. You sound very supportive x

Totally agree with Ffsnosexallowed.

Not sure how big your organisation is OP, but one thing they might be able to do is offer you a referral to an Employee Assistance Programme or Occupational Health type service. Even if your distress is not linked to work, counselling or advice through an EAP can be really useful. It is usually an entirely confidential service - we simply made the referral, we didn't even know if the employee chose to take it up. Then there was the option of telephone counselling (agreed within corporate deal. We wouldn't know if employee had taken this option). If the employee then wanted to take it further for face to face counselling, we would be asked to authorise a cost for a number of sessions the counsellor suggested (6-8 usually). Sometimes we would tell the business 'they are having suppirt' sometimes we didn't. Depended on what relationship was with manager. If we HR were having all the contact, most times we kept it to ourselves. Either way, we were never told by EAP what the nature and progress of counselling was. Entirely confidential between employee and counsellor, unless there are v limited circumstances of criminal activity (I say that as someone with knowledge of counselling skills outside of HR, nothing in HR ever came up like this)

Hth