Thinking about giving up work...what would you do, Oh MN Jury?

[Roseylea]

Could you help me sort my head out? I am veering between thinking that I should give up work, and then changing my mind.

So...I've got 2 dc, aged 3.5 yo and 5 yo. Ds (3.5 yo) is at nursery in the mornings, dd (5 yo) has just started Yr 1. I went back to work when ds was 2. My dh's job is demanding but his hours aren't too long, compared to friends' dhs. I work 3 days a week. I'm also studying and preparing for a career in the future which I really want (something different to what I'm doing atm).

The thing is, I'm just soooo tired and stressed. Dh isn't very tidy / housework-orientated, so I do most / all of the housework / cooking / etc. Dd has got severe eczema and a raft of food allergies, and bless her, needs a lot of physical care. She also gets reading and writing practise to do every evening now and so I spend time with her on that. Ds is just a sweetheart, but I feel guilty that I'm not having enough fun with him because I'm always having to do jobs in the home or I'm at work.

At work, I'm doing a job which is enjoyable, working with teenagers, whom I really like being with. I'm working hours which are really family-friendly, and my job is a 5 min drive from where I live. I don't get paid megabucks, but if I were to give up, we'd feel the financial squeeze.

The crux of it is that I'm too over-streched, and I'm feeling it more and more - getting irritable and tetchy, suffering from insomnia, starting to resent all the stuff I do instead of enjoying it.

So is it worth the financial stress of not earning, in order to buy myself (literally) more time? I also wonder if not "working" outside the home would damage my confidence and make me less likely to fulfil my ambitions.

Sorry to be long and rambling...

You could consider a different way to buy yourself more time - literally. Paying for an ironing service or some cleaning might be less of a financial stress than quitting work and get rid of some of that side of thing.

Just a thought.

I think if I were in your position I would retrain my dh it doesn't sound very fair to me!
Why should you do it all?? You must be blardy well exhausted!

oh, that's a tough one. it's really hard to advise as only you know what will make you happy, but it sounds like you enjoy both your job and being a mum, but it's the housework and chores that are getting you down.

If you could manage on less money, which you seem to be saying, why not keep working but spend some of the dosh on a cleaner? We got one recently, she only comes once a fortnight but it means I don't have to do bathrooms at all, I only hoover once in a while for special occasions, and I have lots more time/energy to spend with DS. Ours does ironing and washing as well, so it makes a big difference.

i found not working made me bored and less fun to be with for DS, so it's better if I have some adult time. And DH said I was more like my old self when i started working.

HTH

I am exhausted, Wisteria, that's the problem! Dh is just inherently messy - he leaves a trail of stuff behind him wherever he goes, and he doesn't even notice, or if he does, he doesn't think to tidy it up!

He has many great qualities though and I love him to bits!
I'm trying to decide if the answer is for me to be better organised (although I'm not too bad at organising myself and the dc) or whether really I should just bite the bullet and give up work.

I could get a cleaner in, but I have to say she'd be earning much more than I do!

That's the thing, isn't it, LittleMy34? I wonder if not "working" would dent my self-confidence. I was so ready to go back to work when I did. OTOH I can think of stuff I'd do if I were not in paid employment; I'd stil be busy, but more in control.

that's the crux iof it really - because I'm so over-busy, I feel I'm not in control of my life, and that's horrible.

Do you have no help in the house at all?

I don't think that that is realistic, given your DH's job and character and your timetable. Something has got to give somewhere - either you stop work (so you have more time but less money) or you buy some help (more time but from the sounds of it quite a lot less money).

You say you are studying, so you would still be getting some adult entertainment at some point during the week. Your self confidence can take a knock if you stop work but it's easily regained again.

If I were you (which I'm not) I would give up. I did it as my spine was deteriorating by working in an office and I've never looked back although do miss a work environment - I just cling to the thought that once I'm requalified I can get back to it.

Meanwhile I save money by making more from scratch and bargain shopping (you have a lot more time to save)!!

I had similar issues with dh and after years of trying he is only marginally more helpful and a lot still falls on me.

Get a cleaner/ironing 'lady'. It is the best thing I ever did and costs the equivalent of a weekly takeaway & bottle of wine.

We no longer argue about housework stuff....just other things

when I say years of trying, I meant me trying to get him to do more...not him actually trying.

I guess the other thing to consider is if your job is the sort of thing you can go back to easily after a break, or do you sort of get 'out of it' and left behind?

I know it seems ridiculous to pay a cleaner more than you're earning, but you have to factor in the other benefits of working, like your sanity. I feel really guilty sometimes at feeling happy about being at work and not having to wipe any noses or bottoms for a few hours, but it definitely keeps me sane.

Bella - Lol at the thought of DH trying really hard to do housework, but just not managing to find the on switch on the hoover!

Yes, I could go back to it easily if I wanted to, in the future.

Bellamummy, I must be honest and admit that by nature I'm untidy too Before we had dc, our house was 10 times messier than it is now In fact I will never forget a boy whom I taught looking at all the mess on my desk and saying "I'd hate to see your house, Miss"

So in some ways I'm more in my element out of the home than in it - it's just that since we had the dc I've come to realise the value of keeping the house clean and tidy. And it's not my job that is stressful in itself, it's the juggling act and the fact that to get my family through the day I have to be totally task-focused, which is not in my nature at all (I'm v. people-focused)...

Laugh away....he still doesn't seem to know where the loo roll is kept, or where the bin is. Judging by how often I find an empty loo roll sitting forlornly on its holder.

I seem to have hijacked the thread with moaning about dh. sorry!
Roseylea, I seriously think that giving up work is pretty drastic. If you can lighten the load somewhere it would mean you don't have to do that. Getting a cleaner will mean that you can keep working, will have more time with your children, and it will save arguments with dh about how he isn't pulling his weight etc.

It doesn't even have to be that expensive. Ask around to see if anyone has a recommendation, look at notice boards in your high street/local supermarket etc. and negotiate a price that you can afford.
I can honestly say it is the best thing I have done, and it means my Saturdays - once spent cleaning and then claiming matyrdom - are now spent going swimming or walking with dh and dd, or just spending time together at home - minus the hoover in hand!

Oh, dh is more than happy to get a cleaner in. He is improving ; he used to be much messier.

The only thing about my carrying on working nad getting a cleaner in, is that really we wouldn't end up much better off financially than if I weren't working at all. I've worked out that after childcare costs my wages equate to about £5 an hour, which already feels very Saturday-jobbish, so if we take cleaning money out of that as well I'd be still really busy, for very little finanical reward. And yes I think that does matter...

And therein is the rubbish state of our economy, where once you have more than one child it's almost not worth working at all. Why can't we have subsidised childcare like the rest of Europe?

I feel for you Roseylea, it sounds like you're in a real dilemma. It sounds like your only options are to improve your DH's contribution to housework, or stop working. If you put it to him like that, might he do more around the place?

Hi Rosey,

You sound so down at the moment. Just wanted to share how I coped.
Before my DH and I started living together my house was always tidy - but it went down hill from there - we've no kids (apart from 2 dogs).
I always did the washing and ironing, now I do the washing and MY ironing - pile my hubbies up and let him do it himself. When he had nothing to wear one day it made him realise he had to do his share around the house. Of course when he asked why I hadnt done HIS ironing I told him the 'ironing fairy' did not come this week and I'm not a housework slave.
When he changed his clothes - and left them lying on the floor I threatened to throw them out - did it with some socks, put them in the bin in bathroom so he could see them everyday. When the bin was emptied he said - oh you took them out, no they went in the rubbish bin. its amazing how quickly they learn esp when they have nothing to wear.

As for leaving things lying about - I get a big cardboard box, put all his stuff into it and then make him sit down and go through it every once in a while. At least I dont have to look at his mess all around the house.

We now do a blitz on the house once a week, one cleans upstairs while the other downstairs - the secret is doing it at the same time. Maybe you could try that. Or how about getting the kids involved by tiding their room and hubby tiding your room - make it a game to see who finshes first - I do that with my niece and nephew when they come to stay - they never tidy up in their own house but do it here!! When they're staying I ask them tidy their toys up before we go out when DH is in the room so then I ask him to do a quick tidy up - he doesnt refuse infront of the kids!!

Sorry dont know if this is any help but it's worked for me - it has taken a couple of months to sink in. If it was me I'd try and give it a go rather than giving up work. I just think anyone needs adult company and time-out from the house. really dont know how some mums stay at home as I think this would be a harder job than having a 'paid' job IYKWIM (well for me that would be true).

Hope all goes well, keep working and keep working on your DH.
let us know how you get on. XX

Roseylea I know what you are saying about your earning after child care, but I still think it would be worthwhile trying a
cleaner for a while.

Giving up your job is a big decision and having a cleaner even for 2-3 hours per week can make a big difference to your standard of living.

Why not try it for say 2 months and then if you aren't feeling any better then review it again.

Roseylea, I'd go for it and give up work for a while. Since you can go back easily in the future you could give it six months/a year (by which time your DS will but just about school age) and see how you go.

I went back full time after having DS1 (now 5) and DH was a SAHD and then went back two days a week after having DS2 (just 4). AFter a few months I began to hate the sheer amount of running round on those two days (although my situation was different to yours because I went back to another position that I didn't enjoy as much) and started to think "why the heck am I getting my kids up at the crack of dawn and driving them half way across the county to grandparents for a job I don't actually want anymore?" I quit at that point and stayed home full time for just over a year. It was great, we saved money because I cooked from scratch more and we ate less takeaways and the kids just really enjoyed us all kicking back each day.

I went back full time 6 months ago (a great job just came up and DH was so miserable at work that it seemed like a natural time for a swap again) and Dh is at home with the boys again and works shifts round mine. He loves it and it's working out really nicely and everyone's happy now.

Good luck!

Give it up.

You can always go back.

But they'll never be that age again.

Ooh, this is hard, isn't it? I've done just about everything - left my job, gone back, gone freelance, been a student. Had lots of money, no money. Lots of debt...er, still lots of debt!

The thing is to realise that nothing is forever. If you decide to be at home for a bit, you can always work at a later date. Sounds like your work is flexible for that.

Whatever you choose to do, it will not be perfect. If you're at home all the time, you can feel bored with the monotony of all the chores but less stressed. If you're at work, you feel tired and can't fit everything in.

I think the key is to work out what makes you happier at that point in time.

You say you're studying for a different career. Well, if you have to give up work to help you have time to study (which after all, is probably the one thing you can do that will change your life in a big way at the moment). It may mean you're worse off financially in the short term. But hopefully a change of career in the future will help pay this off, long term. We just put more debt on our mortgage, accepting that being at home for a year or so cost us money.

But it's true - you don't have this time again. Enjoy the last few months of your child before they go to nursery. And if you're happy, everyone else at home is happier.

Totally agree about husband training though. They have to pull their weight.

Oh what a dilemma

i work 3-4 days, have some childcare and some (but not loads) help with costs thru tax credits. When i was pg with DC3 I 'borrowed' my mum's cleaning lady, and 2 years on we still have her, just one morning a fortnight, and i'm trying to train the DH and kids to move their own mess. I do the work-or-not-to-work debate regularly but the fact is i earn a lot more than DH so part-time is my best chance.

good luck. make a big pro's / con's list, have u tried that?

If you feel that yours is a job you will be able to go back to with no problem in the future, then why not give up?

As Expat said your children will never be this age again. i totally agree. In a surprisingly short amount of years they will be much more independent and life won't feel so reliant on you to be the engine for everything; they'll be getting themselves to school and back and you SHOULD be able to rely on them to tidy a bit and feed themselves if necessary.

So for now, if you can do it financially then why the hell not. I would!

What slightly concerns me about you is that you say you're not task-focused. So it's possible that your housey jobs won't get done as a result of you giving up work. However, the exhaustion you say you feel is not worth going through as the dcs will be picking up on it.

How about giving up the poorly paid teenager work and taking up a less demanding part-time job.

Your childcare should be being subsidised - check on your tax form.

Also, your ds has bad eczema and allergies. If this really affects your day to day life you may be entitled to some kind of care allowance.