FT, PT or SAHM; middle age muddle-sorry long

[majorstress]

I have no one in RL, so would like some MN support/advice/own experiences.

I went part time due to terrible problems getting help at home and childcare. This wasn't my choice and I'm someone who finds being at home depressing, so predicatably got VERY depressed. Meanwhile my status at work has been demolished and I feel like a waste of space. DH did less at home, on the grounds that I am there to deal with everything, and he is working even more to get a promotion he wants that would hugely increase our income.

Anticipating youngest's entry to Reception, I asked to come back FT ASAP. Then I got more problems with the summer hols and finding out very late about the school's new very slow settling in policy. I am upset about that and how I and others (dh, boss, family, CM) have dealt with it, but never mind.

My confidence is really low and I doubt I could do my former more demanding FT job. More importantly my enjoyment of it has ebbed away and I can't put up with my boss or colleagues anymore. Also nothing seems to have changed at home-dds are still as much work if not more, even though at school, and I can't even retain an expensive cleaner from an agency for more than 12 weeks. I'm really tired of trying to hire help.

I'm going through a big sea change and wonder where others have pitched up on such stormy shores? Or maybe it's just my impending birthday!!!

It's SOOO blissful with Mum gone!!!! I feel really guilty, I couldn't have got through the Reception settling in nonsense without her, but AT LAST I have my space back! Even worse, dds were so plainly glad to see the back of her, she just isn't as fun or devoted to them as the other Gran/my MIL-painful but true and it's made me realise my own childhood with her wasn't great either, no wonder I have so much trouble enjoying any aspect of my kids-she had the same attitudes.

AND I've got rid of cleaner moaning minnie (who was a friend of the last one), never again will I put up with a moany cleaner in my house on my morning off my paid work! They either come when I choose, be pleasant or keep quiet if I'm here, or I tell the agency to sort me another, on the spot!!! What was I thinking to put up with this.

You'd never believe I did do an assertiveness course but it's taking a long time to really dawn on me.

Operation Knicker, and Emergency DH birthday tomorrow ooops. Must lie down with cold compress then back to battle.

Forward the brave!!

Well done majorstress, you sound very upbeat.

You are so right about your cleaner, you pay through an agency for a service. I'm sure when you go into work you don't expect to sit there and moan about it.

I hope it works out for you.

Well she wasn't through the agency, I just held on to her on the grounds that none stay long (right again, she moved house), and once she started to mess me about, I tried a new agency on onther days. Also she did a good job on the ironing after I invested lots of training, apart from insisting on leaving the iron in the middle of the tv room floor when finished, for dds to trip over on arrival from school-I never could stop her doing that, odd huh?

I gave the agency a really good try out-and I did find some flaws with them too but now I know what they are and what to do, and on balance the agency is better than the DIY arrangements.

I could moan as much as I like at work, but no one would hear me because they are too busy moaning themselves! It's like a competition and you would never believe it but I find myself saying things like look on the bright side, which is ....! They would never guess I have a lifelong struggle with clinical depression.

Mostly I'm alone in my shared office, which is lonely but the alternative of being with my unhappy colleagues is even worse. I know, a new job is needed. I just need some breathing space somewhere in a stable routine fo a bit...

GRRRRR! The girl the agency sent has just told me she doesn't want to work for them after today, and do I want her to clean my house but not through the agency.

I asked why she left the agency and she said, she preferred working in coffee shops.

Well, this ain't no coffee shop last time I looked!!! Not the right answer I'm afraid.

I said I would think about it and call her if we wanted her (not Bl. likely).

oh. My. Sigh.

Going by your OP I think you secretly want to give up your job. And why not? If you can afford it you can stop for a few years - they'll survive without you and you without them. New pastures will open if you let go of the old ones.

Remember your dc's are only young for a tiny part of their lives - enjoy them and let them enjoy you. You'll need to go back to work anyway when they are at school full time because that's when you get really bored and spend all day on mnet to keep sane!!!!

Sorry - New pastures analogy was really really rubbish...

Unfortunately, I have visions of the pastures opening and swallowing me up-the problem is, MrsM, that the dcs ARE finally both FT at school, as of last Monday, but I am so very extremely hassled and unhappy by the last 7 years of clinging on for dear life to some kind of life for MYSELF (which is in fact what my job represents to me).

I'm trying to sort out a new, post-baby routine to my life, but it just isn't happening. I did respond to a few ads before I got the current cleaner I thought, and already sent away those that were interested (not great anyway, a 16 year old boy, and a pair of sisters who must work together). ARRGGHH.

I somehow got the daft idea that my professional salary and (once) interesting job could be used to deal with the stuff I am not much use at, like homemaking, and I would have a bit of energy then to enjoy dds. It DID help for the 4 years they were BOTH at nursery, but once school began everything has gone sour. I've hired so many people to help me in the house, my head is starting to spin. I need a revolving door now.

Nothing has changed here except I am paying MORE. WHAT IS GOING ON???

Also I'm about to turn 45-I wouldn't hire me if I could get someone younger.

OK then, dcs are at school, if you stop work for a while you'll have loads of me-time and be able to give yourself some breathing space. Perhaps you've done it the wrong way round - stopping work when they were little would have given you enough me-time to see you through as you learn to juggle all the complexities of domesticity and bringing work back into the picture.

But it's too late for that now. Perhaps sack all the staff, hire a "onceover" cleaning service / de-cluttering help. Give yourself a year of doing something different that will fit into your new routine???

Is your career that limiting? Is it worth changing it?

I have to give 3 months notice. So I've got to sort something out for the 3 months anyway, it can't be helped.

I'm afraid that having given notice, I will still HAVE to sort things out, and will find by then everything is ticking along and I don't need to quit..but my job is gone.

I'm giving the agency one more chance.

have you heard of a specific decluttering help or service?

I just went to google "professional organizers" and the first site I picked directed me to a bunch of online betting and other spam.

Great.

Ha! the agency phoned and said they would send me someone GOOD, 4 evenings a week, starting Monday. So wish us luck....

Fingers and toes crossed for you MajorStress - hope it works out tomorrow

Ok, I've made yet another list of jobs to be done-this new lady won't know it, but she is going to be the make-or-beak of our family's income and the rest of my "brilliant career".

On the plus side she wants to work on her English, and this is now a 12 hour a week job working WITH our family so plenty of chance for conversation. On the minus side she hasn't worked for theis agency very long-like the last two-why don't they retain their staff? do any manage it these days?

I'm really annoyed looking around the house after the last cleaner left on Friday, bins weren't emptied, beds not made, and floors not cleaned-what was she doing? Must have just stood upstairs pushing hoover back and forth. She said she was finished 10 minutes early; I wondered why she got such a puss on her when I asked her to finish some jobs she had forgotten to do in the kitchen, and showed her how to do them (again). She must have thought I would instead say "great, go home early", and THEN she was going to announce she was leaving the agency and going freelance! I was supposed to say "oh how wonderful, I'll hire you on the spot."

Now I feel lucky I was at home unexpectedly, I should have done a tour of inspection before she went.

I it really worth it when you have to do that? NO.

I'm having a little chat here to myself, this is the third week of new mother's help lady. I decided to really train someone up and give them lots of hours to see if it helped me out better.

She's sort of ok, but I am still putting out feelers for someone more-what's the word-proactive- or experienced-who doesn't have to be shown exactly what to do on each occasion, repeatedly. things like hanging shirts you've just ironed so they don't fall straight off the hanger (and leaving them on floor!) AIBU? Probably.

She's smart but demotivated by her work. I know the feeling! Also I don't expect her to stay long, the agency is not finding enough work for her and London's streets aren't paved with gold, it turns out.

Pluses
Good with kids.
DDs like her.
Pleasant.
Punctual as possible.
Flexible about hours-since little other work!

Ok stealing from another thread these are the sort of jobs that one poster did as a part time nanny/housekeeper/mother's help for £10/h

changing all bedding once a week
All washing & ironing
Changing all bathroom towels
Daily dog walk
Preparing evening meals
Running Errands
Weekly shop
Hoover and mop floor twice a week
Afternoon school run
Organising Cupboards
Organising appointments

But I get the old AIBU feeling when I ask for THIS level of competence. I would like to put a price on it somehow.

this may be no help but I didn't want to leave you talking to yourself. Your list of pluses looks pretty good to me - if I had that to work with for help I would not think of getting rid. Can you work on the negatives in some way? eg is her job to iron or to iron and put away - if the latter then she would have to sort out the hangers and, provided the end result is OK you wouldn't know whether they had spent a brief spell on the floor between iron and cupboard.

Thanks MrsWobble . Talking to myself isn't the best really.

True I don't care what happened to the shirts as long as they are still looking wearable on the hanger. But they aren't, tbh most are still ON the hangers but only just and so both precarious and getting re-wrinkled in the process. It's yet another thing I will have to show her how to do-I have had lots of ironers but this is one of the worst. BAsically she used to be and AP, the agency proudly told me; my heart sank thinking of inability to do housework, and I was right about that.

Part of the problem is clutter- she can't put things away very easily because there is too much stuff-and that's MY job of course. But I was planning to get to that once she was running the everyday tasks-that's part of the point of her job. But so far she is needing too much input- I haven't been freed up enough.

I don't plan to get rid of her at all at this point, but thinking of getting more sophisticated help temporarily, to get the place decluttered so it is easier for her or me to deal with.