FT, PT or SAHM; middle age muddle-sorry long

[majorstress]

I have no one in RL, so would like some MN support/advice/own experiences.

I went part time due to terrible problems getting help at home and childcare. This wasn't my choice and I'm someone who finds being at home depressing, so predicatably got VERY depressed. Meanwhile my status at work has been demolished and I feel like a waste of space. DH did less at home, on the grounds that I am there to deal with everything, and he is working even more to get a promotion he wants that would hugely increase our income.

Anticipating youngest's entry to Reception, I asked to come back FT ASAP. Then I got more problems with the summer hols and finding out very late about the school's new very slow settling in policy. I am upset about that and how I and others (dh, boss, family, CM) have dealt with it, but never mind.

My confidence is really low and I doubt I could do my former more demanding FT job. More importantly my enjoyment of it has ebbed away and I can't put up with my boss or colleagues anymore. Also nothing seems to have changed at home-dds are still as much work if not more, even though at school, and I can't even retain an expensive cleaner from an agency for more than 12 weeks. I'm really tired of trying to hire help.

I'm going through a big sea change and wonder where others have pitched up on such stormy shores? Or maybe it's just my impending birthday!!!

curiouscat are you keeping the aupair?

God yes, Major Stress, annoying and endless ...

I recently had one of those blue Ikea bags full of ironing sitting in my laundry room for over two and a half months. (It wasn't "urgent" or "good" stuff because that tends to get filched out and worn and washed again and again.) Anyway, in a fit of pique one night after a glass of red too many, I just threw the whole thing in the bin. So far, nothing has been missed ...

Oh and work/home balance still problematic. I too get depressed if I spend too much time at home but can't live with the guilt and stress if I work too much.

Hence, having had a fantastic job in publishing, I'm now working three 'short' days a week as an administrative assistant ...

Curious Cat - so sorry your request was turned down - their loss I believe

I think you've had some good advice here - something has to give tbh and if DH really isn't in a place where he can pitch in properly atm, then I think it's worth taking 6 months out to sort out some systems in your house that work.

How old are your DDs? Don't underestimate how much you can get them to be responsible for with a reminder note stuck up in a good place. You sound like you've been very unlucky with cleaners - I always leave mine a note saying exactly what I want them to do and so far, it's worked well. Again, with a decent routine in place, most of the time things should rub along OK.

I wish you all the best

majorstress, are you having treatment for your depression? if you will forgive me for saying so, your posts have that terrible lethargic apathetic hopelessness to them that characterises depression. so the first thing i would do is seek help for that if you haven't already done so.

can you actually afford to leave your job? if you can then i think you should simply resign and do as anna suggests and take a six month break to get yourself and the house sorted out. Six months is hardly any time to be out of the workplace - you may find yourself reinivigorated and more inspired in your career having had a break.

ime, you get rubbish cleaners from agencies. it's much better to get a word of mouth recommendation if you can, if not, try gumtree and check references. my lovely cleaner does laundry chores, it's not an unreasonable thing to ask imho.

hth and good luck

majorstress, are you having treatment for your depression? if you will forgive me for saying so, your posts have that terrible lethargic apathetic hopelessness to them that characterises depression. so the first thing i would do is seek help for that if you haven't already done so.

can you actually afford to leave your job? if you can then i think you should simply resign and do as anna suggests and take a six month break to get yourself and the house sorted out. Six months is hardly any time to be out of the workplace - you may find yourself reinivigorated and more inspired in your career having had a break.

ime, you get rubbish cleaners from agencies. it's much better to get a word of mouth recommendation if you can, if not, try gumtree and check references. my lovely cleaner does laundry chores, it's not an unreasonable thing to ask imho.

hth and good luck

Hi Major, yes, I'm keeping the au pair to enable me to find another job. And thank you, Counting for being so positive. 3 day weeks are a holy grail really aren't they, I can't believe employers are so shortsighted about this

I feel guilty now, I myslef have got hold of a 3 day week-the holidays are still a killer. I was just expeceted to do 5 days of work in 3 days, and I couldn't - cue "gasp I am not superwoman" realization, for me and others.

I've had lots of treatment (ADs and CBT) for depression, some of it has helped quite a lot for some time, but it's a lifelong tendency for me (runs in the family). I found I was still doing the same life, which is simply unacceptable, but feeling inanely cheerful so I didn't care as much. I don't think that is the aim of the treatment (or is it?). Nothing changed, except I felt happier for a while until the AD prescription ended and effects gradually wore off.

I'm still functional so I'm trying to get myself into a better quality of life somehow in case that helps, before I go back to the GP yet again, or try to find a private therapist - which will take up all my nonexistent time. CBT takes a lot of dedication and I didn't really stick to it.

My cleaners do what I tell them, after a few weeks of instructions-then I get a new one! They aren't complaining about me, they just don't like London life. I have one by recommendation who isn't an agency, she is cheerfully leaving for a proper fulltime job (unclear doing what, her English is too poor to explain!).

Majorstress, on the job front you've absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Cramming 5 days into 3 days is not a real 3 day week imo, just another example of employers taking the piss if this is what's happening. Good luck in managing your health issues anyway.

curious if you are around more you can train the AP a bit more-how to cook for example. then you wd have more time for dcs in theory.

Majorstree if the 'we' i.e your marriage isn't that stable then the LAST thing you should do, imo, is sacrifice your career for his, especially as it might not be 'yours' jointly. Because take his income out of the equation, add poxy maintenance and you might well decide your job is where you need to concentrate your efforts, not the housework.

Hope you're not offended by this suggestion but in your position that would be my focus.

Hi majorstress, that's a sensible idea to train up my AP but tbh after a string of neglectful incidents I don't think I'll keep her on much longer anyway. Would certainly like a different one though.

Wickedw, I think you've got a good point. But working away from home for long hours if the house isn't running smoothly and everyone's arguing is in itself a cause of marital disharmony and strain. I'd rather be happy and unstressed out, poor and dependent on dh if that's what it takes than wreck my marriage for an ego trip 'my work is more important than the family' attitude. But I appreciate not everyone can choose this freely.

I am totally in favour of women working and being independent obviously

Majorstress have you looked at other jobs. How difficult realistically do you think it would be for you to find one ?

Your present employers sounds crap. I can't imagine working for someone too lazy to agree a fair way to work out a holiday rota for their staff. However from what you have said I don't know if giving up your job without having something else to go to is the right way for you either.

I know its a right bore putting a CV together and you don't have much time, but maybe if you were to work somewhere with a better environment it might make a difference to how you feel.

I'd keep going with the cleaners, try another agency if you can. I always think ours doesn't do much until she is unable to come and then I realise how much I hate cleaning as well as working.

hi again, majorstress, some days I think we're better off being skint, other days I wonder if I did the right thing!

TBH there is no easy answer for us, I think we just go with our instinct and see how things go

sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, other days I know I did IYSWIM!!

good luck again, its all a struggle sometimes isn't it!

curiouscat, really admireyou for such an honest and open post earlier on!

good luck with the job front

hi toomuch, thanks for the appreciation.

How was your w/e majorstress?

Gosh I went a bit AWOL thinking about mother's helps, resigning, and being very busy over weekend doing activities of questionable value-

I joined a group of volunteers cleaning up a local community centre which was filthy as well as cluttered--you may WELL ask WHY I did this instead of resting, dealing with my own house, or going for a lovely day with my family to the zoo (at least I didn't leave dds sitting dejectedly in the hall while I cleaned windows for 4 hours, like another parent did with his ds's). Well, I said I would do it a month ago, so felt I MUST!!!! Never, ever volunteer.

On the plus side, with my own family gone and a simple job to get on with, I had time to think.

Until one of the management committee managed to fall off a ladder (I must state for the record at this point , sorry, but I TOLD THEM SO!) luckily he was not hurt too much. So maybe I can argue they shouldn't have volunteers again, (they do have rental income, and could use it to pay for an insured cleaner from now on). Duh.

I didn't resign my crap job yesterday because I was too busy! I decided to try with more home help again; I'm tougher, understand the job I need done better, my needs have changed a lot as kids get older, and there are more people needing work, I detect, so maybe I'll get someone I can manage who won't take the p*ss. Let's face it, I get paid well for doing what now comes so easy, I'd rather hand a fair cut over to someone who needs some cash, to do the daily dreary. I intend to be present in the house most of the time, this isn't work childcare cover AT ALL, which never worked right for us with individuals in my home. I will do the things I WANT to get done: pay attention to dds, declutter, organise fun outings for us, and work on my allotment. And we will still eat fresh food, have clean dishes and clothes put away, courtesy of my new Mega Mother's Help, whoever they are.

My insurance policy for the shaky future too, to keep in a job. who knows what the future will bring? Work is in a turmoil so I will just keep my head down and bank some more cash while planning my exit strategy!!! I will think about moving jobs in a few months once things have bedded down at home, if they are going to. If I really cannot find a sensible mother's help in a city of 10 million people, I will quit work and become self sufficient in slugs cabbages.

Wow - good for you Majorstress - not much time to post right now but you sound as though you have your strategy licked!!

(Have you tried looking for childcare at a local church btw? My elderly mother found a lovely Polish girl to help through the local Catholic parish. Just a thought ...)

Good luck with it all! Give 'em hell ...

P.S. I left my own heap of a house to volunteer to do 7 hrs of gardening and bulb planting at dd's school on Sunday so know where you are coming from... and the head of our management committee lost his wallet whilst straddling a hedge ... perhaps we are leading parallel lives ...

that's so wierd!!! counting. Thanks for your words of encouragement, surprisingly dh was also quite supportive of my "charity" work.

OK I'm going to start a thread in the childcare topic to ask for help wording my gumtree Mother's help advert. I've sorted out my "spare" email account and about to get my spare mobile back from mum, who goes home to USA tomorrwo (sob!).

Hmm feeling like it's not going to work out, especially after reading some other threads-Deja vu times 1000 is setting in...arrrgg

I just can't think of a way to go about this, where I won't just end up with another negative person-power, crashing and burning after a big launch to my "new" life.

Helpers so often turn into a drain on your resources rather than a help, don't they? Especially when you take into account the recruitment.

Maybe I should just look out for those who've had the initiative to advertise themselves, rather than calling out all the loonies again.

Oh I'm sorry it's looking a bit grim.

I'm in a very fortunate position because I live abroad where good help is fairly easily available. I have two lovely Polish girls I count on, one for cleaning and one for occasional baby-sitting. They are both really, really lovely and very professional/effective workers.

Having said that, I've always found mine through personal recommendations. I'm not convinced that advertising is the best route tbh. When I was looking initially, I sent out e-mails to every friend, acquaintance and colleague I could think of saying that I needed help, if they could recommend anyone, or if not, to please let me know if their cleaner/mother's help needed extra hours or might do so in future. And that's how I landed my first lovely cleaner who was fantastic, she recommended a replacement when she returned to Poland and they recommended someone else, so it's gone on from there.

Also, it sounds from your previous post that you are like me in that you hate asking people to do things/issuing instructions which does complicate matters!!!

Good luck with it all though. I'm sure you'll get there.

well I decided after looking at what people were expecting to GET, compared to what they were prepared to DO, that I could increase the hours of the new girl the agency sent-she is only 18 but seems quite capable and if she comes 4 days a week, including 2 sessions when I am home and most in need of help in the evening.

I think I can now expect her to stay for a while with any luck, since she just got here, learn how things work, where things belong etc. so she can be more help getting things put away (a bottleneck), and help with the meal clear up, which currently gets left while I struggle to get dds in bed, and emerge 45 minutes later, shattered.

I found out they charge a bit less per hour because I am having her 10 hours a week. Also I can ask her NOT to come when we are off school (annoying, cost me a fortune trying to retain people over the summer cleaning an empty house, and they both quit anyway!), and they will just send her off to another job, if she goes on hol they replace her if I like, and I don't have to find cash all the time because they bill me, and they sort out the tax torture and and and...and. This makes more sense than having a second person mainly to iron, who just resigned today after dicking me around for 6 months. Yipppee! I'm glad she's gone, all in all.

Now I just have to label all dds clothes so she can put them in the right drawers, needed it anyway for school and knicker orientation....

I know what you mean about paying over the summer. As my cleaner only comes once a week and she's away for eight weeks in the summer and two weeks at Christmas, I only pay her half. But I give a generous bonus at Christmas and before summer holidays (and hourly rate good too). Plus presents at Christmas and for her daughter's birthday. It adds up. And she's been ill for the past too weeks (always pay when they are ill as well). However, she IS worth it. And cleaning is a tough job.

Good luck with 'Operation Knicker' ...

Hope it all works out for you.