How can I enjoy this time as a SAHM more? Feeling career slipping away...

[MabelMay]

Hello. Will try and keep this as brief as possible.
I am 33 years old with a DS of 18 months, and am also 5 months pregnant. Before having children I had a very satisfying career in a creative industry as a freelancer. Since having my DS I decided not to go back to work full-time but have struggled to find good jobs on a part-time basis. I've done a couple very short-term. Now I am 5 months pregnant, not working at the moment, and pretty much unemployable because I am sporting a rather large bump. I am resigned to the fact that I will probably be spending the next 12 months as a SAHM; although I am worried that no-one will want to employ me after this long break away from my work.
First of all, all of you SAHM-ers and similar, how can I make this time at home with my son feel full and rewarding? How do you survive on the days when you crave some adult company or work/activity that doesn't involve your son? How have you coped with seeing your careers plateau or disappear altogether? How do you make your life feel interesting/exciting?
Don't get me wrong - I love my DS to bits and have been a dedicated mum but I really really miss being in the workplace a lot of the time too. I need some SAHM survival tips and reassurance that my working life is not over!

Thanks.

Handy hint #1:
Make sure you have adult company every day.

Are you involved in local Mother and Toddler group, it's not for everyone but can be a lifeline if you need some adult company.

How about volunteering for the NCT, get to use some organisational skills and meet people.

I must say towards the end of my mat leave when DS was around 9 months and it was winter I wasn't enjoying it and felt guilty for not grabbing those last precious days with my son. I think being a SAHM isn't for everyone so I wouldn't feel bad about not enjoying it as much as you feel you ought to if you see what I mean.

Thanks, Mrs Marvel. I do try to do that although it's not always possible. Not many friends around here and so many of my friends are still childless.

Join the NCT (National Childbirth Trust)

MabelMay, I have been through all of this too! I'm a SAHM of ds, 2 yrs 4 mths, and dd, 7 mths. I gave up work completely when ds was born but I do struggle with being a SAHM at times.

My top tips are: plan your week as if it was a working week (which it is, kind of). Put in the practical stuff like trips to the supermarket but also schedule in some fun stuff which you can actually enjoy with the kids, and that should include lots of adult company for you. There is a reason so many "pushy mums" go to a different class every day, and I don't think it's for the children, I think it's so they will be able to talk to other adults and not go mad!

If you don't do the planning, there is a risk that every day will just drift by in a sea of boring domestic jobs, daytime TV and frustration with your children.

I have been very lucky and have 2 regular groups who meet for tea every Monday and Wednesday and that's been a life saver for me. Do you know anyone you could ask to meet up with, or are there any ready-made groups in your area which you could join? Also think about toddler playgroups as they are a good meeting ground for other mums.

Lastly, be aware that you are going through one of the worst bits. It does get better! Very young children are pretty limited in terms of interaction, let alone conversation, but my ds at nearly 2 and a half is so much more fun now than he was a year ago.

MabelMay there are a lot of SAHM's who feel the same as you, but you won't regret your decision the most important thing is to enjoy being at home with your DC and make it rewarding for both of you

I make time to do things i enjoy too its important you don't loose yourself, yes your a mummy but you have other qualities too so don't forget that and don't let other people forget it either!

You say you do something in the creative industry as your career - is this something you could teach people to do? if so maybe you could set up a small group?

I was a SAHM for about 18 months while pg with #2 and till she was 1. I HAD to still have a routine ie somewhere to go everyday. I went to a couple of mums and tots groups, met friends for a coffee and also got involved in the local NCT group.

I decided to return to work (on a very part time basis) as my dh and I did the same job when I left to have dd1 and he was progressing nicely where I was shoved on a scrapheap and wasted 5 years of my career . It made me so sad to lose my career so what I did was have change of job! So maybe this could be one thing you can be thinking about? I have my next change of career planned for when dd3 starts school (she's only 8 months old )

Another thing to do is make sure you do something for yourself - even if it's only an occasional evening. I took up running and have managed two half-marathons and the pride I've felt from that was a real boost!

Thanks for replies so far.

Tuttifrutti - I think the 'planning the week' thing is such a good idea as otherwise, like you say, you can feel like you're just drifting through the days. Unfortunately though - unlike you - I don't have a regular meet-up group. I had 3 mummy friends who have all recently left the neighbourhood. I'm not terribly good at "making friends" - it's not so much that I'm shy; I'm just private and it takes me a while to open up. But I realise I probably need to make a bit more of an effort on this front if I'm to find some new friends who are mums.

Sparklesandwine - thanks for the tip. Sadly, the work I did (do) is not the kind of thing that can be taught in the kind of environment you suggest. But it was a nice idea anyway.

Canmummy - Thanks too. what career change have you made, if you don't mind me asking?

I've contemplated a career change as well - retraining etc. The trouble is, it feels like a real wrench at the moment to say goodbye to my old career because it's the one thing at least I know I can do and have the skills for!

What career did you any of you leave behind? Or decide not to leave behind?

My career change was really, I suppose just a change of route. I'm a nurse and when I left to have dd1 I was a ward sister but struggled to go back part-time and didn't want to leave her to work full-time (would have been impossible for childcare anyway). When I decided I wanted to go back to work a couple of years later, the only job I could get was as a "newly-qualified" nurse in the same area - so frustrating for me! So I got a job as a practice nurse - something I knew nothing about and had very few skills apart from my basic training to take with me. When dd3 starts school I plan to go back to university to get my masters degree as a nurse practitioner.

I've found it really interesting to learn new skills rather than just go to work and get the job done. This probably doesn't help you much as you're not a nurse but maybe you could translate your qualification to an area you hadn't thought of before?

MabelMay, I was a City solicitor and we moved out of London at the same time as I got pregnant, so it has been a BIG life change in lots of ways.

I asked a local mum for advice on how to stay sane when your child is playing up, and she said "Go out". So that's what I do a lot of the time. I try to plan an outing every day, but if we don't have to be anywhere, I make something up, and I have even got in the car with both children and driven around in circles just to get out of the house. Sounds grim, doesn't it, but that is when things are at their lowest ebb.

I also think it's really important to do stuff that you enjoy, not connected with the children. If you like exercise, you could join a gym which has a creche. Or maybe you have a hobby which you have let slip, which you could take up again?

Depending on where you live you may find there are a number of different groups you could join apart from mums and toddler groups eg: singing/music group, tumble tots, swimming group. Check your local authority website or hvs are sometimes a good source of info. Agree with tutti frutti plan the week and try to keep busy. I work part time but try to ensure that my days with dd are fully occupied and that I have adult company on those days too. Don't worry if you go to mum and toddler groups and no one talks to you, persevere, your face will become known and people will start to chat. If you don't like the feel of one, try another until you find one you like. If you meet other mums and get friendly you can then start to arrange meet ups etc which makes things easier. HTH

Thanks for all your helpful messages. I think I do need to do more things that I'M interested in as opposed to doing absolutely everything around my DS. I also think I'm grieving for my (late) career, and once I've got over that I'll be able to embrace my new role a little better.
I got pregnant with this one immediately and I'd been kind of hoping it would take a little while so the whole 'imminently to be a mum of two' thing has slightly freaked me out and made me feel a little trapped by motherhood.
Tuttifrutti, I totally relate to just getting in the car and going somewhere. That has saved me on a number of occasions! Sometimes I take DS to the shops just to do something, pretending that I need to buy x and y where I don't really need to get anything at all. Not good for the wallet but it does do the trick sometimes.

Oh, and by the way I've just enrolled myself on a very affordable language course to give myself something that's totally non kiddie related. Hope it will help. X

I was hired full time at 5 months pregnant with 2 children under 4. I thnk it's best if you get back into full time work. Being home or part time work just doesn't suit many men or women as it can be so boring as you've found.

Hi All

I found it very different being a WAHM. I was a manager working with adults with autism, a career I loved and got great fullfilment from but it was very stressful and time consuming - no limit to my hours and seemed to be constantly 24/7 on call even when I got pg.

After Kieran was born I decided not to go back and be a SAHM. After a while I felt there was something missing although I loved being a SAHM mum and being with Kieran and I soon realised it was me missing! I was Kierans Mum and Roys wife (beither is bad) but didnt do anything for me. I did Avon for a while and had a HUGE round but the sheer amount of hours I put in was ridiculous to get a half decent bit of pin money!

Now I do Usborne books from home so Im working and still can look after Kieran full-time as any sales etc I tend to do are soft play centres/schools/nurseries/toddler groups. I've met a lot of people, Mums and others doing this and locve doing something successful for myself which earns us money and benefits Kieran.

Have you considered working from home? There are loads of different things you can do and they help you meet others and get out!
Have a look on www.mumandworking.co.uk there are loads of genune opportinities on there.

Good luck x

Hi MabelMay, I am a SAHM of two (not entirely out of choice as my DD2 has had serious health problems and nursery is too risky for her as yet). At times, I hate this role because I feel so trapped.

A previous poster was right about this being a very hard stage you're going through. Just say to yourself, "Life will move on", and start planning what to do next. For example, I forced myself to think about where I want my career to go once things have calmed down with DD2 and, as a result of that, I am now taking a part-time course.

You love your work and work is very much part of your identity, so I don't think that you should let go of it unless you absolutely must. I understand that you may not feel that a full-time job is ideal right now, but, for example, might there be a charity which could utilise your specialist skills?

If you get yourself in a happier place then hopefully you will be able to enjoy the time with your DCs more, but if you still feel down once your little one arrives and you have recovered from the birth then remember that there is no shame in going back to work.

Sorry this is such a ramble - this is a subject very close to my heart!

Patsy x

Thanks to the last three posters.

First of all, Xenia - I don't want to work full-time whilst my DCs are still so young (and definitely not within the first 6 months of my next DCs life). A few months ago I worked on a project full-time for 5/6 weeks and it just wasn't worth the stress. I barely saw my DS and weekends went by in a rush of chores, exhaustion, trying to spend time with DS and DP, see friends, etc. I felt I was missing out on DS completely at an age when he was changing all the time. Hence me deciding to just take work that was part-time. I work in Television production which is tough to fit in around kids and very hard to find part-time work in, but I'd rather risk not finding the work and staying at home than go back to doing it full-time (which can often mean weekend work too). Now that I'm pregnant and showing, no-one is keen to take me on part-time. That part is tough.

Anyway, NickySue and PatsyCline - thanks both. Your posts both rang true for me and were full of good suggestions too. I am thinking ahead to when my DCs are a little older and wondering about the possibilities of retraining for a new career that might be more kid-friendly, rather than struggle to get back into my current/old career a few steps behind where I left off; NickySue, thanks for your Usborne Books suggestion and the web link.

I'm certainly not totally suited to full-time SAHMdom; but full-time work in my industry felt even worse. It's just trying to get the balance right isn't it? And trying to keep a sense of who you are outside of your partner and kids... A dilemma for almost every mother out there I'm sure.

Any other posters who have had similarly ambivalent feelings about leaving their careers temporarily or forever I'd love to hear from... X

PatsyCline, are you planning on getting back into the workplace after your DD2 is a little older, or will she still require fairly full-time care?

MabelMay, I can relate to your post so much. Before my 2 children, 3 and 1, I was very career focused and had reached middle management. I decided to be a SAHM while the children were small, however, I do find it extremely difficult as I miss working so much. I too feel my career disappearing infront of me. When I do return to work it will be part-time and I know that, because of this, I will have to take a step down the ladder and start at the bottom again. It is quite depressing, however, I do remind myself that these early days spent with the children are precious and will be gone all too quickly plus when I do eventually get back to work full-time I may even look back with envy over those days where meetings, deadlines, office politics etc etc were not part of my life.

I think you are at a tough part of SAHMdom. Your children are going to be very close together and having two babies simultaneously does impose severe constraints on mobility/time/availability. I have a daughter of 2.10 (and two stepsons of 12 and 10) and my life as a SAHM is full of freedoms that my friends with children of the same age as my daughter plus a baby do not enjoy. I truly love my life and wouldn't go back to my previous full-time working life for anything but dire financial necessity (thankfully that isn't on the horizon).

So - having said what I have said - how much help can you lay your hands on? Do you have a mother or MIL nearby that you can leave your son with (and in due course your baby)? If not, can you afford to buy in some help (cleaning and/or babysitting) that will give you a breather? It really is a lifesaver to be able to walk out of the house and do your own thing (whatever you enjoy) from time to time, to recharge your batteries and get the ideas flowing.

It's not easy. For me I could usually be home at a reasonable time after work so didn't feel I missed out and I didn't work weekends (my oldest if 23 so it's a long time ago now but the impact on our lives, lifestyles and all kinds of things has been hugely affected by the money I made mostly for the good and the example to my daughters in terms of the position of women as our parents are our best example and one mostly likely followed). Also I was just thinking about this the other day when I read an article about a very high need baby, our first daughter was like that. It was very very difficult having her around, she cried virtually all the time at first and I don't think either of us could have stood to be with her all day. Going back to full time work helped enormously and meant when we were around her we could enjoy it.

Reassurance your working life is not over... loads of women resurrect a career or start a new one later on in all kinds of sectors. I think being at home is boring domestic sevice most of the time and most women with money now, 100 and 200 years ago whether they work or not have always outsourced the dull bits.

Hi MabelMay,

I worked in TV too, but left the industry when DD1 was one. I do regret it, I have to say, although at the time it seemed like the only solution.

In answer to your question, I have been advised to give DD2 another year or so before I consider putting her into nursery.

However, I have just started doing a few hours of home-based work in the evening, so I am now a WAHM rather than a SAHM I guess!
Taking this small step has made me feel more optimistic about the future.

Patsy x

I truly sympathise. Before I had my DCS I had never spent a weekday at home and felt like a fish out of water. I was a SAHM for 7 1/2 years until DS started school. I found a book called "The Working Woman's Guide to Staying At Home" invaluable. I also did voluntary work in my field which gave me some adult space.

Mabelmay I sympathize sincerely with you. It is really hard. The way I have managed it is to become a CM because I now get to go on group outings where the children play and I get adult company. I was a nurse before and have struggled to come to terms with not going to work. This at least brings in some funds and gives me employment without interfering with my dd and I am also pg again. I go out every morning to various activities for dd and co. They sleep in the afternoon so I have 'me time' for an hour or so. I console myself that I have taught my daughter everything she knows and that it hasn't been anyone else who has seen her first things. I also don't feel that anyone can raise them entirely as you would like, no matter how good they are, but I also take pride in the achievements my mindees have made since I began looking after them.

{smile] It only lasts a short time and when they start school and pre-school you can start afresh. Who knows, by then you might decide you want to do something completely different. You will still have another 20yr career ahead of you!! Enjoy the time off!!