How can I enjoy this time as a SAHM more? Feeling career slipping away...

[MabelMay]

Hello. Will try and keep this as brief as possible.
I am 33 years old with a DS of 18 months, and am also 5 months pregnant. Before having children I had a very satisfying career in a creative industry as a freelancer. Since having my DS I decided not to go back to work full-time but have struggled to find good jobs on a part-time basis. I've done a couple very short-term. Now I am 5 months pregnant, not working at the moment, and pretty much unemployable because I am sporting a rather large bump. I am resigned to the fact that I will probably be spending the next 12 months as a SAHM; although I am worried that no-one will want to employ me after this long break away from my work.
First of all, all of you SAHM-ers and similar, how can I make this time at home with my son feel full and rewarding? How do you survive on the days when you crave some adult company or work/activity that doesn't involve your son? How have you coped with seeing your careers plateau or disappear altogether? How do you make your life feel interesting/exciting?
Don't get me wrong - I love my DS to bits and have been a dedicated mum but I really really miss being in the workplace a lot of the time too. I need some SAHM survival tips and reassurance that my working life is not over!

Thanks.

I was thinking of writing a book / website about how to fill in the time being pregnant ,then having v small and reliant ds, dd to contend with - whilst wanting to retain some elements of former high-flydom and not sacrifice all to SAHMdom. Friends of mine have set up a website called www.theresmoretolifethanshoes.com - designed to help women be insipired to be more - In my dh's words tho, it's about ego, where you get your sense of self from - feeling positive about who you are doesnt just need to come from work - just for most of us working ladies, that's what pre pg world was about and suddenly the rules are redrawn - best to take -bull by the horns, go course crazy and try lots of stuff while you've got the opportunity- other friend is training as a magician's assistant, and another learning burlesque dancing to lose baby belly! I am planning on using my time to retrain, i didn't like my job THAT much, but figure since going to uni, i've not had a good couple of years to learn new stuff and am not likely to again, worst thing to do would be to waste the time doing nothing huh!

vicm, that sounds like a great idea for a book. I would definitely buy it!
Also, my DH says exactly the same kind of thing as yours. The feeling of self-worth comes from how you've defined yourself in the past (for most of us, through work) but it can come from so many other things. It's just having to re-adjust your sense of self. I'm working on it... MM.

Hello again...been reading through this thread again and I can empathise so much with you MM. I find SAHMdom hard and am quite fed up today as I have had a bad day with my two and also had a rejection letter on a job I wanted. I am going to try and follow some of the advice given on this thread and perhaps start looking at getting self worth from other sources - at the moment I am looking to DS, DD and DH to give me postive feedback etc but that isn't really that plausable from a 3 and 1 year old!!and it comes to something if I seriously expect my DH to praise my cooking every night in the attempt at making me feel more self worthy!
I am off to google about various courses I am interested in as further studying and utilising this 'time off' seems to be a common theme.

Love that web site, VICM.

MabelMay, glad to ehar you're feeling so much better. That's great news.

My DD2 is starting playgroup next month two mornings a week - I am so looking forward to it. My MIL distinctly unimpressed - apparently she never had need of a playgroup despite having four children.

Patsy x

Hi PatsyCline - I get the same type of thing from my own mother as you do from your MIL.

There were 5 of us - and she did it all herself and (so she claims) loved every minute and never got bored. I don't think she loved it as much as she makes out though. Rose-tinted spectacles and all that... Having said that, she now has an amazingly full, interesting and active life through paid and voluntary work. When I tell her I'm worried about 'losing' myself entirely to motherhood she points to herself as an example that there's always time and there are always ways and things to do to exercise your intellect, rediscover your identity and make some money again.
However, she never had a 'career' as such before she had us so in that way she didn't have to give it up.

Anyway, PatsyCline - enjoy those mornings whilst your DD2 is at nursery!
X

Bojangles, hope you're having a better day today. I empathise. A tough day at home can bring you right back down again.
And, like you say, it's not as if your DCs or DP/DH (who is away for most of it) is going to say thank you or tell you what a great job you're doing, acknowledge what hard work it is or offer you a pay rise. X

Thanks, Mabel. I am going to allow myself a fortnight of drinking coffee and reading the papers in lovely cafes and then I'll buckle down and get my journalism course finished!

Patsy x

I don't know where you live but if you are close to the Herts area. Try ten2two.org. I seem to remember they placed a TV producer.

MableMay - have you thought about what you might do long-term? I worked in radio production / journalism at a fairly senior level before I had my son , and like you found the hours completely incompatible with caring for my baby. I also realised that it was never going to work out, at least for me and my family. I just couldn't bear the idea of working long, sometimes unsociable hours away from my son (and other future children, hopefully!), and although it has been almost like a grieving process saying goodbye to my glamorous, go-getting career, I am now starting to come to terms with it and feel more positive about the future. Part-time / freelance work worked extremely well for me for a while, but I have decided I need to completely change my 'career' and am researching setting up my own business in a completely different field. I wouldnt advise you do that now, with a baby and another on the way, BUT, perhaps it might help if you do a bit of forward-planning, say 2-3 yrs ahead? Perhaps by then you'll be ready to make a concerted effort to get back into TV work? Perhaps you'll set up your own business? Or do your Masters degree or some other sort of retraining? maybe it is time for a complete career change?
In the meantime, mybe you'll be able to allow yourself this time for baby-making and nurturing more readily and happily if you take some small, achievable steps towards future goals. Are there short professional training courses you could take to sharpen up your CV? Could you study with the OU, for pleasure or for professional development? Could you take some taster classes towards completely changing your career?).

The mother/toddler group thing can be a Godsend, too, for those of us with brainrot (as others have sugested). Not every 'SAHM' is a natural earth Mother weaving baskets and baking fairy cakes, as you know yourself! You may meet other high fliers who you can talk to in RL the way you've talked to us here. Wish you luck xxx

MabelMay - I was a SAHM for a relatively short time after dc3, but I completely sympathise with how you feel. I think for any person who has had an interesting and stimulating work life pre-children, work is n important part of your identity. The only mums I know who have been genuinely happy to totally give up work, are a small minority who had very boring, unstimulating jobs and who earned a lot less than their partners. So, not surprisingly, there was very little incentive to want more than SAHM. I think for a lot of women, there are phases in their life when it's really tough to make work do-able - for me it was when I had 3 pre-schoolers and i literally could not afford nursery for them all - I'd have been out of pocket through working. But this time passes fairly quickly, and once the eldest was in school, I got back to teaching, even though while the two younger were at nursery, I only broke even for a while. So try to look at this as a temporary phase, it doesn't need to define who you are or everything that you will do with your life. Much as I adore my kids, a lot of the early years IS repetitive and not that exciting - washing, cleaning, playing that game for the umpteenth time. IMO children get far more interesting as they get older and lead more independent lives and can have a conversation with you!!Anna888's Monday routine sounds blisful - someone in to do the ironing etc and then a long soak in the bath, but not very realitic for most women who are dependent on their partners salary! We struggled to get by, and the idea of 'buying in' help when I was at home full time, or having beauty treatments was not an option. I would guess that's the same for most SAHMs apart from the privileged few.

if you can get any childcare, voluntary work is a great way of using your 'other' skills, meeting new people and having some focus outside fo the children. I was at home for 5 years, during which time I volunteered for a group for mums with PND, worked in Oxfam as a window dresser (great fun and very creative), and helped out at a local preschool. All these things offered training oppurtunities, social interaction, some novelty value (they were all unrelated to my 'before children' roles) and I knew would show on my CV I had not just stagnated during those 5 years at home.

Most towns have a vol,unteer centre now (try your local Council for Voluntary Services) where they match up your skills/interests with volunteering vcancies and opportunities.

fullmoonfiend, inthegutter, and loveangel thank you all for your thoughtful posts. Fantastic advice and reassurance.
Loveangel, your position sounds very similar to mine. What business are you thinking of starting? Everything you say about making a long-term plan makes sense. And that's what I'm (sort of) doing. The only thing is that I am not 100% sure what exactly I want to do come the time that I'll be able to get back into working. i.e. TV or not TV (as Hamlet famously never said). But that's something I'm trying to figure out at the moment. In the meantime, the courses I'm doing are a great way of taking my brain to a non-mum place every now and then, and a good way of showing me there is life beyond my current/previous career/lifestyle. Thanks for giving me more food for thought.
MMx