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Original poster

To SAHM or not to SAHM

53 replies

tomme · 23/08/2007 20:32

Since my DC were born I have been self employed and worked part time. I hate the industry I an in and have been accepted to do a degree starting in September to retrain. However I have suddenly realised that my deepest darkest desire is to stay at home and bring up my children DD 3.5 and DS 2. My husband has agreed he would be happy for me to do this until they leave primary school and possibly beyond.

The thing is lam terrified of being totally financially dependent on him and whilst totally happily married now I can't help thinking what if he leaves me years down the line and I have beer doing nothing how would I cope financially? I am not ashamed to say I like my standard of living (not loaded by any means) and do not want not to be able to provide this for me ad my children. My DH thinks I'm mental and think too much and should just do what would make me happy now i.e. SAHM full time

I just can't decide what todo mainly because I'm scared to jump into the unknown.

If you've made it this far thankyou.

OP posts:
Loopymumsy · 23/08/2007 21:22

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handlemecarefully · 23/08/2007 21:23

tomme - are you sure you are ready for the groundhog nature of SAHMdom?

Original poster
tomme · 23/08/2007 21:26

I think so handlemecarefully. Although I do worry about continuous rainy winter days and keeping the DC happy. I do nearly all housework now anyway.

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policywonk · 23/08/2007 21:26

tomme - my problem with the arrangement your DH proposes would be with its symbolism. I just wouldn't like the implication that mortgages, bills, credit cards and so on are things that are 'managed' by the husband (even though this might not be the case in practice). However, my DP would wearily tell you that I am far too concerned with symbolism.

Also, the business of receiving an 'allowance' would make me feel like my DP's employee.

Loopymumsy · 23/08/2007 21:33

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Original poster
tomme · 23/08/2007 21:33

Thanks for the replies so far am going to bed now, will check in again tomorrow and let you know the final decision whenever I make it.

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Hurlyburly · 23/08/2007 21:36

Just to put in a word from another perspective.

The problem with years out of the workplace is that it entirely erodes your value in the workplace. A friend of mine took three years out only to find that when she wanted to go back, she had to go back at half her previous salary.

You've considered the divorce option, which is pragmatic. What about health issues? Or a potential recession? We approached the issue as a mutual insurance policy. If one of us lost our jobs, we'd be able to get by on the other one's salary. That's the theory anyhow.

Financial dependence? Don't know how you will both react to that. It creates pressure for both of you. The pensions point is a good one though.

OTOH I work fulltime and it's a bit too much for me. Have you thought about working parttime? You don't lose your value in the workplace, you keep your skills up, and you get a bit of financial independence.

mummymagic · 23/08/2007 21:38

Hi, I love being a SAHM and hope to do foster care or childminding that will allow me to be a Mum forever! So I say go for it.

I do agree with the 'allowance' thing being a bit odd. All our money is our money and we can both spend it on whatever we like (although obviously need to be sensible - he needs to know this more than me!). Dh earns 'our money' by going to work and I earn it by being at home with dd.

Original poster
tomme · 05/09/2007 15:51

Quick update. Decision is made and money matters sorted. I'm going to be a SAHM!! The only thing left to do is give our wonderful nanny her notice and I'm dreading it, the kids both love her so much and she's become very much a part of the family. I keep chickening out of doing it but must by Monday.

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handlemecarefully · 05/09/2007 15:53

Good luck

lucyellensmum · 05/09/2007 15:58

great choice, enjoy your little ones

lucyellensmum · 05/09/2007 16:01

just a curve ball though, might you do the degree part time? stop your brain from atrophying completely? Well actually i think it is quite a challenge enough being a SAHM, but it might be a nice "break" for you. What was the degree to be in?

TellusMater · 05/09/2007 16:06

Could you do an OU degree? I am a SAHM and doing that. It feels like the best of both worlds to me, although I know others feel differently (Xenia been along yet?),

But until they leave school seems like far too long. I stopped work wen dd was born, and intend to go back to something (if not my previous job then re-training using my new degree) when she finishes reception. I feel I can justify my time out based on the new qualification, but not any longer than that.

Original poster
tomme · 05/09/2007 16:06

I am going to defer the degree, I have struggled to make working part time a success since having my DC and just feel I need to devote all my time to them and not have any other pulls on my time.

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Original poster
tomme · 05/09/2007 16:11

Maybe once I have been a full time SAHM for a while I will change my mind but for now it is all I want to do. To be honest since having my DC I have not been particularly career minded.

I have continued working because of my fear of being financially dependent on my DH and concerns at not being able to command a decent salary after years out of the workplace should I have to go back. I have just decided to make as much provision as I can and stop worrying about something that may never happen.

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pistachio · 05/09/2007 16:21

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florencemum · 05/09/2007 16:25

i am a full fledged wohm. i enjoy my job very much. if i had a choice, i would separate my time and be a sahm now and a whom later but thats not an option.
being a sahm looks great from where i am today. good luck and the wonderful thing is you can always change your mind

bundle · 05/09/2007 16:28

if you really hate your job then it's obviously sensible to leave. but what is the retraining? is it something you've always wanted to do? could you defer the course for a couple of years?

don't worry too much re: finances, but take some sensible steps like life insurance etc just incase.

Judy1234 · 08/09/2007 19:33

Well many husbands do divorce leave you for another woman and then give up work or disappear abroad so you are taking a huge risk which probably is also a risk you're putting your children through. So carry on working.

jbabe · 08/09/2007 19:58

Didn't go back fom maternity leave after DS. Completely surprised myself and every one else (not least DH) by announcing to my boss in meeting to discuss my return that I didn't want to.Think I just spoke from the heart and had felt pressure not to be a SAHM because nobody I knew in my field (law) had ever become one. I was a SAHM for 7 years until DS started school and it (and DH) agrees was a brilliant decision for all the family. A few months after DS went to school went back 21/2 days a week for good money. I think being a SAHM when the kids are at school is a different thing and not for me full time. Your kids are pre school; the time you take off is a short perod in your life but a massive time in theirs. If you can afford it enjoy; you will have time when they go to school to progress your career. It's a big change being at home when you've not been before. When I did it I borrowed a book called( I think) "The Working Woman's Guide to Staying at Home" and I found it really helpful. Good luck!

anniemac · 12/09/2007 15:48

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LilianGish · 12/09/2007 16:16

Just do it - you've made the right decision. Never thought it would be for me but I LOVE it. Especially if you hate your job (which I dodn't at all btw). I truly believe that if you stopped work/were made redundant tommorrow noone would miss you - anyone can do the job you do in the workplace (much as it may pain some people to believe this). Noone else can be a mum to my kids - I'm irreplaceable which is pretty good for my self esteem. As for whether to carry on when the kids are at school (which mine are - just) it should be pointed out that school hours are much shorter than working hours (mine are at a French school so they don't go on Wednesdays), school holidays are long and what happens if one of them is sick? We area bit poorer than if I worked, but so much less stressed than any of the couples we know where both partners work. And as has already been pointed out - you can always go back to work - you can never get this time back with your kids.

Hurlyburly · 12/09/2007 16:18

Don't do it. Sorry if that sounds unsupportive but economic dependency is not good for anyone - either the dependee or the dependor. Can't you do something to keep your skills up? So if push comes to shove ...?

Original poster
tomme · 12/09/2007 16:25

Didn't think this thread would be picked up again!! I am slightly more nervous now others have posted agreeing with my "what if" scenario of not being worth much in the workplace should I need to go back quickly if DH leaves etc. But the decision is made and I am staying at home.

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lailasmum · 12/09/2007 16:28

I am SAHM, I think that you can view the whole time you are at home with your kids as a chance to build up new skills, do a ou course or odd day course if you have the chance and just build skills, you might come across something that you had never even thought of doing when you kids are older.